Today when I got out of my car at the grocery store. I noticed someone walking towards the store also that when I saw them thought that it looked like and might be someone I know/knew from when I was in highschool. I immediately reacted and hoped that they would not turn around if it was in fact who I thought it was. I walked slower so that I wouldn’t end up engaging with them because they would surely remember who I was/am. I was already quite close to them so I just hoped within myself that would not turn around.
“Oh crap! Is that “X” I think it is, I don’t want to talk to them, please don’t turn around, please don’t turn around”
This how the back-chat went on inside me when I saw them.
One of the first things that came up inside me is that “they must have money” because they were walking away from a motorcycle and dressed up in black leather motorcycle gear. I also see how I then attempted to “talk down” the image that I had established of them in my mind so that I feel better about myself because I noticed that I experienced allot of unworthiness in relation to the picture that I created within myself of who I perceived them to be as I walked behind them for the 45 seconds or so that I did as I followed them into the store.
I reacted to the point of them having money (if it was them) because I did not want them to turn around and see me because then I would feel/experience myself so unworthy. They were also quite tall/large and this also made me feel inferior because I am not tall/large and so physically also there was this comparison point where I was comparing my physical to theirs thinking within me “boy they are really big and strong looking”
I though of how when we were in school this person was more bullied, like not considered one of the “cool kids” and in terms of the social hierarchy in school I would have been considered to be “higher up” and this is another reason why I experienced myself as inferior to this person, because I felt so shabby and weak because of me not being some gleaming ‘success’ in the eyes of the system, but actually feeling like I was/have diminished in my expression/direction/development as a human being, where they seemed to be well-on and stable and successful and so now I feel/look like the “feeble” one which is how I felt, and also feared this entire point due to how in school I presented myself as some cool or worthy talented being but now just fell like “my true colors” have become me where I have “amounted to not much” and that I have not applied myself which made me feel unworthy compared to how I perceived “X” to have turned out as the idea/perception that created about him as actually despite how everyone presented themselves in school that he more managed to apply himself effectively and become a more well rounded effective human being within this world, this perception that I formulated as I watched him walk into the store. I feared that moment he would look at me and make eye contact and recognition that it is me and then that moment where he within himself come to the conclusion/judgement/assessment that “I am inferior” that I am washed-up, like him thinking to himself “what happened to him” in where he would look at me and think this about me “what happened to him” man he has really failed in his life, he does not look like he has accomplished much, I feared that moment when all this would take place. In watching him walk into the store right in front of me, he seemed so tall and large and sturdy and like a point of strength, and Stable, he was dressed all in black and moved very slowly, I noticed myself moving more speedily in relation to how he moved/walked, and then started to think about my own movement of me and how I walked quickly and why I was walking quickly and if this walking quickly is really me or more a “Mind Point” as a kind of presentation of myself in me presenting myself in a specific way as I walk to not seem “diminished” or “washed-up” which is how I experience myself and so when I am around town or in front of people I experience me putting on this entire character presentation and this also comes through in the way that I walk. I see this is a point of how I am defining myself and who I am and basically feeling like a kind of failure and then so go into a Character as a Presentation of myself so that I do not appear like who I am as who I have defined myself to be if I were actually to just “be me” because “Me” is a failure. This is what I feel about myself, that I am inferior and less than and so I end up manipulating my movements and presentation of me so that I appear to “ok” and “alright” So here I see that I still have quite a concern about what other people think of me, so not yet stable within myself with regards to facing the judgements and perceptions others have of me because I am not yet stable within me and accepting myself in understanding myself to the degree where I realize that reacting is pointless and worrying about this kind of things about me is really trivial in the grand scheme of things.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to “X” today when I thought I saw him in where my first immediate assessment was comparison within the polarity of superiority and inferiority instead of assessing/seeing the point/myself in relation to him from a starting point of equality and oneness.
I see, realize, and understand that my reaction that I had today towards “X” was less about “X” and more about me from the perspective of “who I was existing as” as the judgements that I was holding onto towards myself where I had already created and formed judgements about myself in relation to who I am, and how I have lived my life which then were “brought out” within me when I saw “X” and perceived him to be what I was not – Successful, Stable, Strong, Respectable, Responsible, Calm, having Self Trust, Honest, Reliable. And so thus this reflecting how I have defined me/ see myself as being Failure, Inconsistent, Weak, Disgusting, Irresponsible/Hiding, anxious and uncomfortable, Uncertain, Deceiving, Unreliable.
I commit myself to work with the points above and utilize these points and finding a practical solutions for how I can assist myself to become and live the aspects that I perceived in “X” and had in essence, seen the opposite in myself and thus seen me as lacking such points for which I have formulated a “negative” view of myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to immediately judge myself as inferior when I saw the motorcycle that I perceived him to own because I saw/defined that as an achievement and success point that I experienced myself to be unworthy in relation to because I felt like I had not been to achieve anything like in my life.
I see, realize, and understand that I am still accepting and allowing myself to place value and importance on material possessions from the perspective of me still going into Character Possession in relation to this point of “what objects and things one owns” where I will quickly step into this character in particular moments and become possessed/influenced/and directed by this Character that is concerned with and defines oneself by ones material possessions, even though I realize that ones worth is not in fact determined by what one ones but that all life is equal and one, and so here I see, realize and understand that I am still accepting and allowing myself to “give power to” the idea that what one own defines the worth and value of a being, and have not yet Aligned myself with what really matters in this world from the perspective of ensuring I am in fact making a contribution to Life through effectively assisting and supporting myself in my process of self change to bring about a world that is best for all, and to thus within this, stop any points of self judgement towards me based on matters of the mind which I see, realize, understand only ever calculate value and worth from the starting point of Self Interest, never making calculations in relation to and how to do What is Best For ALL, where ALL have equal value and worth, where the purpose is never winning but giving unconditionally without trying to secretly gain either Egoically or Materially from what one give, But that what one give support ALL equally, including self as an equal part of ALL.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into scanning my own life looking through my own entire life to try and see and find something that I could compare to his achievement so that I could protect the idea/perception of myself that I have accepted and allowed to define myself according to and believe me to be.
I see, realize, and understand that when/in going into this point of scanning my life to see if I could find some achievement within myself that I could compare to his achievements is actually me existing as the mind/a Character/The Ego. I see that I was attempting to within myself “react” in where I was re-formulating my inner picture of myself so that this inner picture is still the best picture and the ultimate picture and where I am still God in Mind in relation to everyone I see in my world where I am constantly adjusting my inner picture / reality of who I have created and constructed within and as me to make sure that this “Idea” of myself that I formulate is something I can live with in where I will do everything in my ability to tweak this picture so that I still maintain a Degree of Superiority over others that I can live with as long as in my picture I am still believing myself to “worthy” , but that this entire reality I have constructed and have accepted and allowed myself to participate with is not really me but only an “idea of myself” that I create, calculate, tweak, manipulate only as a fictional reality of “who I am” where I create myself to be god, when in fact this is not really me and that there is no gods actually living which can be seen in the ACTUAL REALITY where Millions of Human beings Starve to death and exist in poverty and suffering meanwhile we have still managed to created delusional ideas about ourselves as having some kind of superiority yet will will ignore the millions dying daily as if we are expempt from doing something about it or have not yet even become aware that we are in fact in positions to do something about it or that also we may have become aware that many of us are in positions to do something about it but then deliberately ignore this so that we can continue to live our lives in bliss with money and consumerism while millions die weekly and live in suffering to support those with money who walk around comparing themselves to others in their minds and have constructed elaborate ideas about themselves which they believe themselves to be them where this self is based on comparing and competing against others, where not a shred of equality exist.
I forgive myself for not realizing that in by me scanning through my life and looking for things that I have done that would be considered accomplishments that I was only simply attempting to and trying to protect my own self image that I experienced / felt being threatened when seeing “X” today walking in front of me, where I experienced him as being superior and having authority where I felt myself as having accomplished so little and being washed-up.
I commit myself to, instead of getting caught up in participating in my mind about these judgements and comparisons I have about myself towards others and others towards me, focus my attention on my practical daily living from the perspective of that I realize that it is more effective to rather than focus on and worry about all the judgements about myself, place my attention on breathing and being here in the physical and practically physically applying myself in self discipline for starters so that I can in fact Align myself to walking my practical correction of me effectively instead of “inhibiting this process” by “going into my mind” and giving my attention to this/my Mind Reality. I also see that I do have a tendency to “focus on this Mind Reality” and “Give this Mind Reality, as judgements, and fear and anxiety” and worries, Attention instead of Practicing Living Here in the Physical where it is not necessary to Give my attention to worrying and fears etc, and so thus assist and support myself to stop my pre-occupation with suffering, so to speak as the state of mental suffering within which I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with as a pattern of how I exist within and as my life and so thus Re-Align myself to Stop myself from participating in/ and my Urge to participate within mental suffering and instead focus on Breathing and Being Here in the Physical and Asserting Myself Here in and as the Physical in a Practical Way to facilitate my Correction Process of “Stopping The Mind”.
Eqafe Support Interviews
Audrey Hepburn – Friends and Family
Other Desteni Links
An Artists Journey To Life 