When My Passion Becomes My Burden – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 827

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How do I not do art?

This seems like a strange question but here me out.

I have struggled with this point over the years.

Today I decided that I would NOT go into my studio and paint even though my logical mind tells me this is the best way to ensure productivity with my art.

My art expression is shared mostly between sculpture, painting and drawing, each one allowing for a unique part of myself to come to the fore, yet ultimately I classify them all as ‘doing art’

 

How is it possible that you can like and dislike doing something at the same time?

Enjoy it while being bored with it.

Want to do it, while resisting it.

 

Such a strange relationship I have created in relation to art and creating art.

Art is a long time passion of mine and often through the years right up until now I struggle with creating it.

 

For instance lately I have been working on some new paintings which I am quite enjoying however I still struggle to get myself into the studio. Its like there is a kind of wall of resistance there that I must pass through and once through it still have to conjure up some Self-Will to stay focused on the task at hand, all the while encountering completely fulfilled moments of creative expression. But then 5 minutes later “I have had enough” and have to deliberately will myself to stand there and keep going.

 

The same can be said for my sculpture process. I spend the most time each week doing this yet, there is a degree where “it feels like a job” and that’s when the resistance come in and the relief when I make it through the week.

 

Yet I still do enjoy it, and experience a passion within me to continue to expand and deepen my expression. But this passion is more something that I know is there but have to continue often without. When its time to get up at 7am to go to work, my passion seems to be missing in action, then I have to just go through the motions, get up, get moving, and eventually my passion will join me for an hour or two at some point during the day, then mysteriously disappearing again.

 

I am being a bit jokey about the whole thing but honestly it has gotten to a point where I question if I even want to do or like doing art for instance due to how much resistance I have towards doing it and how it seems like a car that just won’t start and here I am, pushing this car around when I wonder “why won’t the engine just turn over” it seems like that would make it so much easier to move if I could just drive this car instead of pushing it around, and so I question WTF is going with my apparent passion.

 

So today I took some advice that I received last year and I decided that I wouldn’t just blindly follow the thoughts in my head that not only insist that I do some art but that also persist in insisting that I do it all day long or whenever I am not in my studio.

 

In standing back and observing the nature of my mind and my thoughts and my experience in relation to doing art lately, I have begun to question whether following my inner demands to “Just do it” is actually supporting me or supporting in creating art to my utmost potential.

 

I see its important to push oneself to walk through resistances. I don’t expect things to happen easily, although sometimes things do or seem to flow naturally and ultimately that’s more the affect I am going for, I would like my paintings to flow naturally, and I have been busy with this directive for quite some time with some success but also some stuckcess ( I know that’s not a word but I mean, its kinda cool)

 

I have been working with my Starting Point especially when it comes to my paintings because my paintings aren’t yet something I depend, rely on, or expect to sell as readily as I do my sculptures and so in a way I have a cool opportunity to explore painting without a lot of financial influences. of course I am always considering the financial element to my work, though, not having it as of yet being part of my primary income I have an opportunity to be more creative with it, and even personal, which are some aspects I have been exploring of late as a way to have my painting expression actually be enjoyable and not something I am forcing to happen which I feel like I have been doing, and so have needed to make some changes. Despite these changes, my experience the past few days has got me wondering if there is something else I can do to just free myself and my painting expression so that it flows more naturally and not something I have to force which I still experience here as a part of my painting practice and so today, I decided I wouldn’t paint.

 

Instead of I decided to bake some cookies and slow cook a stew and just focus on doing that and chilling the F out.

 

The problem I have been observing about my experience and behavior around my experience in relation to painting is that when I am not painting, I am DOING NOTHING, I am just distracting myself and thinking about how I should be painting and should get back into the studio. I want to be productive but its like the creative flow just isn’t flowing. So I am wondering here if my recipe needs some adjustments, tweaking, and aligning. I am enjoying the painting I am busy with right now which is Awesome and I credit that to some adjustments I made a few weeks back after a discussion I had with my Wife, where I began taking off the constraints a bit and just allowing myself to paint without worrying so much about if it was going to be good or if it was seen as good or if I was following the rules, or if it was marketable, essentially all the Shit that as an artist you know in your heart you are actually supposed to not care about. So I took off some constraints as a way to help me get some natural flow in my creative expression and it worked to a degree but holy mother of pearl if I don’t find myself back in a sticky, stucky, unflowy experience again where I am enjoying myself yes, and the art I am creating, but I have to fucking beg the fucker to flow. So back to the drawing board with some adjustments and this adjustment ( which is the reason I had time to write this blog) is about BALANCE.

 

Yes, Balance!

 

You’d think the best way to create a lot of work is to just work all the time. That may be, but HOW does one work all the time so to speak where that work time is natural and comfortable and engaging.

 

I am finding I can’t just simply tell myself to work all the time. Its like I must find a way for this to be more of a natural expression where I want to work. Or at least more natural, of course I understand that I will always have to challenge myself and move through resistances but I can also explore this point of not creating unnecessary resistances that are more self induced and could be let go of.

 

The Principle of BALANCE is that I allow myself to do Other things with my time and life. Things that I actually enjoying doing outside of art. Or something that might come up spontaneously in a moment or for a day where I think, Hummmm, I’d like to do this or that. Instead of shutting myself down, I actually allow myself to do that.

 

Like reading a book, or baking cookies, or slow cooking a stew, or going to the beach or watching a movie, or going out for coffee, or going for a drive or, going shopping, or visiting with friends. It could be anything.

 

What I have been doing is more limiting my routine to kind of just have times where I can paint and that is what I do with my extra time, but then what happens is I often don’t want to but force myself to anyways. Then I spend 3 days forcing myself to work where I am kind of into it and kind of not where I am working intermittently and trying to get a flow going and just cutting everything out of my life so I can have the time to paint instead of allowing myself to do other things that I enjoy where for instance then Id have one solid day of painting that I actually WANT to do instead of three days where I am kind of not into it but forcing myself to be there. In a way I wonder if having the one day might be more productive in the end then spending three days trying to force myself to work.

 

So that’s the theory anyways, and today I decided to put it into practice and am still making peace with my Art Demon that is writhing away in the corner of my mind insisting I should paint.

 

One thing I found today is that I was actually less stressed and enjoyed myself. I enjoyed not having to think about when I was going to get into the studio. But it took a deliberate decision to say that I was going to focus on this other task that I had been thinking about doing and just allow myself to do that and not worry if I would get in the studio or not.

 

As I sat down this morning with my espresso to write in my notebook, after about 30 minutes I began to notice an anxiety rising up within me and this anxiety I observed is often here as part of my daily experience. This anxiety is related to “how productive I will be with my painting” and “not wasting time” by not painting. This anxiety experience was showing me that my current relationship towards painting was resulting in this anxiety experience and so I required an adjustment.

 

I did notice once making the decision to allow myself to Do something else today, that I relaxed a lot more and the anxiety subsided.

 

I will continue to explore this word BALANCE in relation to my Living and my relationship to art.

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Simply MY Best – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 826

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For a long time I wanted to be ‘The Best’, and this programming was formed quite young. I wanted to be the best at hockey, I wanted to be the best at art, I wanted to be the best.

When I look at this idea now of ‘being the best’ it does make sense in that this kind of programming was all around me, the programing of competition, of getting the top marks, of being seen as a winner, of being someone talented and special, of comparing yourself to others a way to determine your standing in life.

 

I find this programming still follows me around, as I walk the process of changing these parts of myself that I see do not serve me or others or are really contributing to creating the best self I can be or contributing in fact to Life on Earth for everyone and everything.

 

The other day I was scrolling through Instagram and saw some artwork by someone who I had gone to art school with and I immediately reacted and became uncomfortable within myself. In looking at the reaction closer I could identify an anxiety as well various points of fear and competition and comparison, and I identified this ‘Wanting to be The Best’ programming basically in full application.

 

Even though I am aware that this programming doesn’t serve me, I still have moments where I am in fact living/existing as this programming which is why I reacted in that moment, and the reaction was enough to realize that this experience is NOT something that was a benefit or support me at all.

 

So I did some writing and self introspection and I realized that I was wanting to be ‘THE’ Best instead of being ‘MY’ Best.

 

When I am My Best and striving to be My Best, the point of comparison is removed because being MY Best isn’t dependent on others. Just as them being Their Best is does not take away from or devalue what I am doing.

 

When I want to be THE Best, I compare myself to others and am constantly worried about what others are doing or how good they are at what they are doing, I get side tracked and end up often following what others are doing and even chasing them trying to catch up to those I perceive are ahead of me and I end up in a constant experience of anxiety while I am engaging in this competition to be THE Best. Within this the most important point of all gets lost in all the anxiety and fear of being left behind or not being good enough. The point that is lost or missing is ME.

 

It’s like my total focus is out there, looking at what everyone else is doing.

 

How are they doing it

That looks cool, I wish I was doing that

They are so far ahead of me

I could do better

Their not very good

I am way ahead

I suck

They make it look so easy

Maybe I should try that or this or that or that or that… = Anxiety.

 

Being MY Best is where I look at ME, and I look at Who I am and what suits me and what my strengths and weaknesses are and where I can position myself or express myself in a way that is supporting and getting the most out of the unique attributes of ME, and this cannot be determined by comparing or trying to copy or doing a better job of what others are doing or how they live.

Being MY Best is a truly original expression so to speak, that ultimately only I can do/live.

 

Being MY Best requires me to be Self Honest, and honor myself and where I am in my life and look at how I can be My Best.

 

What I also noticed is that when I am looking at how to be MY Best, I am suddenly looking at and considering way more parts and aspects of myself where to be THE Best I become isolated and driven more by the singular dimension of Fear, and so miss the many multitudes of Self.

 

Using simple math, I can understand how being MY Best would lead to a more enriching experience as I am now considering and looking at various dimensions of myself instead of being driven prominently by just one dimension (Fear) while attempting to be The Best.

 

So at the moment I am busy exploring what it means to be and Live MY Best and what this means to me and what this would look like. I may not be ‘The’ best at anything, but it is irrelevant if I am Living to my utmost potential and getting the most out of myself while Living MY Best.

 

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The Weekend Crash – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 811

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So today is one of the more difficult days in my week because it’s ‘the weekend’. In recent blogs I have been writing about the point of motivation and some of the principles I have utilized over the years to support myself within my application with my Job and the process of developing an art business. Now one aspect of this whole process has been realizing that my ‘success’ within my work should not be at the expense of my success in other things.

So for example I have found often that I can become quite effective at my application at work, but then when I am at home, its like “I don’t know what to do with myself” and actually one of my struggles is getting through my days off without completely sinking into laziness, depression, idleness, where at times I end up in this experience of putting ALL my effort into my work week and then when I get to the weekend, I collapse. And am pretty much useless.

So a process I am still working on for myself is to develop more of a consistency within my LIFE EXPRESSION where there isn’t a polarity or division between who I am at work and who I am at home or who I am during the work week versus on the weekends.

I find I have the tendency to be single minded and because of this I do not expand myself into other expressions and so there is no balance to my life in terms of where I am allocating my efforts. Rather it’s like Work and Art is KING and then there is everything else. And often I want to rush through doing other things like cooking for myself or doing some other activity or spending time socializing because I have compartmentalized my life into “me at work” and “me resting” and then maybe a few other points but then this becomes a kind of polarity where on the weekends I only rest and do nothing else, and then during the week I work and I do nothing else and then they become likes extremes. Or at least this is an assessment of my situation in looking at what could be contributing to my Weekend Crashes or even my lack of enthusiasm towards doing anything other than what I have defined my life to be as Work and Rest.

So this is a point I am still finding a balance with and still in the process of creating for myself where I am more consistent within my experience of myself instead of jumping back and forth between the “work experience” and “rest experience”

I can see here that I could actually benefit from Redefining the word REST or RELAX because my current definition of this is simply me laying around doing nothing. So here I see I can include activities and expressions that are more supportive both physically and mentally because actually ‘laying around’ is not supportive when its all your doing and then you end up, as I do, sinking into boredom or depression or idleness, So yes, Here seeing a New approach to ‘Resting’ and ‘Relaxing’ where this just doesn’t have to be meaning that I must do as little as possible. Okay cool, so pulled through some Direction with this point. I will continue with this either here in blogs to come or in my own personal writings which I utilize also in opening up and understanding points.

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Pillars of Motivation – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 808

 

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Its interesting that as I sit here looking for what topic or point I can write about tonight from this past day, I am drawing a blank. Its interesting because a single day is actually long with hundreds of moments. So the fact that I would be drawing a blank is kind of telling me that perhaps I am dismissing a lot of what happened in my day today, thinking its not worthy to write about.

One of my co-workers today expressed his gratitude and appreciation towards me in relation to my art and the motivation I have lived in relation to my process I have walked the last 4 years as a stone artist. He wondered outloud why the others don’t do the same as me?

There is a few factors that go into my motivation within my art process though one of the main ones is the process I have been walking with desteni the past 10 years which have indispensably supported my process with my art as well.

So these comments from my co-worker did cause me to reflect on my process I have walked with art as well as just my overall process I have been walking with Desteni the past 10 years and the support and guidance I have received through this process which have supported me to Live in a way where I am supporting myself to Live to my Utmost Potential.

So when he expressed is gratitude towards me I immediately thought of how what I am doing now with my art has been created upon the foundation I have developed and established with my personal process with desteni. I also wondered about how exactly this personal process I am walking is translating into my real-time physical living ‘out-there’ in the world.

Essentially SELF is always the foundation and then the other points emerge from this.

So yes, the guidance I have received as well as the tools and applications I have developed through walking the desteni process have been absolutely paramount to what I am doing with my art now.

There are so many nuances to process and so many things I can see that have become some of my ‘pillars’ so to speak that support me within my life.

Some of these ‘pillars’ as principles that I have utilized to support me to Live this word ‘Motivation’ when it comes to my art expression and what specifically I have been walking the past 4 years are

  • Accumulation Affect 1+1+1+1
  • The principle of Whats Best For ALL
  • Self Direction
  • Self Forgiveness
  • Self Honesty
  • Bringing ALL points back to self
  • Self Responsibility (never blame anyone or anything)
  • Breath (one breath at a time)
  • Live In the Physical
  • Don’t Compare
  • Do what you must and within that create what you would like it to be
  • Lead by Example
  • Live to your utmost potential
  • Personal Process First
  • Do unto others what you would like done unto you
  • Be Solution Oriented
  • Consistency

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eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
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Determining My Outcomes Through Daily Living – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 806

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Today is the beginning of the work week for me. I felt a bit depressed this morning when I woke up. The experience seemed to be ‘out of  nowhere’ though last night I was discussing a few points with my partner about some stress that I was experiencing in relation some aspects of the responsibilities associated with work. So this morning as I got ready to go to work, I related this seemingly out-of-nowhere experience of depression to these work related points I was discussing the night before.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed with stress in relation to directing and walking the obligations and responsibilities in relation to my career.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still feel the need and desire to control my reality and force it to move the way that I want it to when working with other people, expecting other people to move how I want them to because its convenient for me where I am not considering that people are entire universes unto themselves where their lives are vast and comprised of various relationships and so I cannot expect them to move according to my wishes and desires just because it would suit me best, and so here I commit myself to remember to consider that People are complex and have much going on within themselves and within their lives and to within this, be more patient and understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my life not working or my business failing where this fear drives me to try to control people and push things to move how I desire to have them move, where I become much less flexible and flowing, And so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try an achieve success from a starting point of Fear of Failure. And so here I commit myself to walk and live the word Patience where within living the word Patience I stop accepting and allowing myself to exist within my default setting of “expecting to fail” and so thus I commit myself to stop expecting to fail and then having a fear emerge of fearing to fail which then drives me into control and desire, as well as being more rigid and inflexible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider that I could potentially still achieve success or desired outcomes through being more easy going, patient, and flexible. Wouldn’t that be awesome considering this is often how I find things move in physical reality where things move slowly as there is multiple points coming  together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider that perhaps success can be achieved through living  and walking the word Patience where I allow things to take time and not go into that point of trying to control or force them, and while I wait, I can give my time and attention to projects and tasks that are HERE and that I can DIRECT , Here and Now in the moment instead of feeling stuck like I am waiting for things to move so I can move.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing the word success, and so thus fear the word success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear even mentioning the word success, because to me I have accepted that this will only mean failure. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear Failure where I see it as a bad thing, and so creating ‘failure’ to be this ‘big thing’ and something to fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to function within my life based on a pre-programmed setting of an expectations of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that failure is permanent and so fear failing because I perceive this as the end, instead of considering that I can simply continue on and continue testing new ways and solutions, and that failure is not this big thing that I have to fear constantly day in an day out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that failure is forever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that failure means the end of the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in constant fear of a massive failure taking place, where its like I am constantly in fear of everything just collapsing in a major way. (What a tiring way to live, phew)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing opportunities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others and different opportunities as the determinants of my success or failure instead of realizing  that I am responsible for the outcome of myself and my life meaning, that if the success or failure of my business is based on luck or what other people do or don’t do, then its bound to fail anyways. Rather I commit myself to remember and to stand within the starting point that I determine the different OUTCOMES of my business,  meaning where I commit myself to become the SOURCE of my ability to grow, expand, develop myself and my business where this is based on MY actions and what I do or do not do, and so within this GROUND my approach to walking my current path with life and business where I LIVE SUCCESS, not through ‘where I end up’ but through Who I am and How I am LIVING and DIRECTING MYSELF Daily, and to simply walk day by day, pushing and directing myself to Live to my utmost potential where this becomes the foundation of my Living and my Self and Business Development.

I commit myself to take the attention that I have placed ‘out there’ onto what others are doing and how that affects my me, my life and business, and bring this attention back to ME, and to focus on what I am doing and what I can do and live daily to assist and support myself to LIVE MY UTMOST POTENTIAL every day, and so support myself to Give myself back my Self Directive Principle and Responsibility through by focusing on Who I am and What I can do daily to live to my utmost potential and expand, develop, refine, push, express, support myself and what I am doing within my life.

 

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Expanding Your Supply of Solutions – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 805

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So lately I have been walking this point of ordering more supplies for my business which allows everything to continue to flow normally. But there is a delay on the supplies arriving which isn’t the first time this has happened with some of the suppliers I work with. So when and as this is happening I have been firstly practicing not allowing myself to go into a reaction towards the particular suppliers and essentially start demanding that my supplies arrive in a reasonable time-frame. There are moments where I see these reactions coming up within me, but I continue to support myself to not act out of these reactions.

So one dimension of this that is coming up now as I write, is the questions of “Where do I do the same thing” Where do I procrastinate with certain projects, tasks, and points that not only affect me but affect others as well, because I can see that I still do allow procrastination in my own life, and so this is a cool Starting Point for me to create a Solution for these outflows that I am walking now where my supplies seems to be arriving late which has been a pattern now for about a year.

For instance, I could actually just order my supplies doubly early. If I have identified a pattern of the movement of certain supplies, then I could make sure that I am keenly on top of it, and essentially doing what is within my power to Ensure that I am always stocked on supplies.

I also noticed that I can also branch out and reach out to other suppliers who could provide a supplemental support for when I need certain supplies within a specific time-frame. This is something that I haven’t yet done.

Because if a few months down the road I am in the same boat, it is obvious that it has nothing to do with the suppliers but rather my lack of action to find solutions to the point.

So here is a good example of how its so easy to blame others for our experiences and problems where we do this without getting to the point of doing everything in our power to Take Responsibility for Our Own lives to the best of our ability.

So this is has definitely been a Key for me in the Process that I have walked with Desteni over the years where I have been supported to and have since began to bring points back to myself and look at where and how I can support me to find Solutions and Take Responsibility for my life instead of just going into blaming someone else. This has actually had quite a massive impact on my life because here even in this situation with my suppliers, this could have easily in the past ended up with me just going into blame and so not bringing the point back to myself which is a missed opportunity for self expansion because in bringing the points back to myself I am actually EXPANDING myself through looking at WHAT I CAN DO for myself and for others in terms of Living Solutions and trying out new things or changing my own tendencies and patterns to be overall more supportive.

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Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
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Grounding Excitement In Daily Application – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 798

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I recently had a meeting about a new business venture with my art that has been opening up the last couple weeks. So in this blog I am going to look at this dimension that I saw coming up within me in relation to this new point opening up. The dimension I noticed is that I saw this point within me of wanting this new venture, this new opportunity to be a kind of SAVIOR where I noticed lots of excitement coming up within me and so when I started looking at this experience of excitement more closely I noticed how it was connected to this idea and projection of “things changing” and within me where Id go into fantasies and hope of “everything changing for the better”

Now on the one hand, this opportunity could provide a platform for new changes in my life, however, I have also realized here that it is important to stay grounded and to support myself through bringing things back to Self.

So essentially, with all this excitement coming up, I looked at how I could stabilize myself and settle things down, and this is when I began to see this ‘Saviour’ point within me where I’d hope that this new point changes everything and changes my life. So in bringing this point back to myself, what I see, and realize is that no one is ever going to save me, and that ultimately I am the one who is always responsible for myself and my life, and so, I don’t actually require a Saviour, because I have ME and how I walk day by day.

So this was a cool point of Self Grounding to just re-focus my attention back HERE and back to Myself. This is important I see because this is where I am. I am HERE, in my life and so the BASICS still apply day to day, moment to moment.

I realize that I must embrace who I am right now and what my life is like right now and work with this ME and this Life PRACTICALLY and Support myself from HERE into a point of creating it into what I would like it to be through the daily support and application I walk for myself and my life and so thus to stop participating in the Desire for “The Game Changer” as in some external point that is going to come along and “Change Everything” which Is a form of hope I then would be participating with instead of just continuing to focus on what I am realizing more and more is the crux of my process which is WHO I AM IN EVERY MOMENT and how I am Walking Self Support and Self Creation in my moment to moment Life.

Okay so just sharing a bit here about this Savior Point that I noticed still existing within me as a hope, want, and expectation of some big event or person to enter into my life that changes everything instead of me just focusing on Me and walking the steps of daily support and creating myself and my life moment by moment, step by step and being willing to WALK THE PROCESS in real time and let go of that idea where I actually SKIP moments or ‘Jump Ahead’ through some magical game changing event that takes place.

I realize my best approach is to Walk Here, step by step, focusing on Who I AM now and what my life is like now, and walking the step by step actions of self change and self creation moment by moment, brick by brick.

 

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
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SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential