Using Self Forgiveness to See and Understand Me – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 820

September 13, 2017 / Author / Leave a comment

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Today when I woke up I experienced a resistance to getting out of bed mixed with a depression energy. I decided that I would speak some Self Forgiveness on my drive to work and see if I could open up within me what this experience was all about as it has become something of a familiar experience recently in the mornings, particularly when I work.

Initially when I started speaking Self Forgiveness I wasn’t really seeing anything specific and the Self Forgiveness seemed routine and the same ol’ points. However I decided to continue speaking the self forgiveness and after a few minutes I started hitting on points that were more specific and I began seeing and understanding my experience, or at least understanding the point that I was seeing in that moment about my relationship to my own inner experiences and my relationship to my work.

One of the main dimensions that I was seeing within me in relation to my work was that I was stuck in a kind of perpetual blame cycle towards my job where I had at some point decided that “it was my jobs fault” that “its my job that is causing and creating my experience”, “it was my jobs fault that my life is the way it is”

So within the Self Forgiveness I came to understand that I was making my job “more than” me, blaming my job for my current experience and so me not Standing as THEE point within myself as the Source of who I am and my experiences, rather I was in a point of allowing myself to say that it was my job that was the main thing, that “I” was doing everything right and nothing wrong and that it was my job that was causing and creating my experience, and if my job would just change or be different, then I could go back to an experience that I would prefer, in other words, I was effectively disempowering myself.

So yes, totally giving my power and my responsibility away to this external point within my reality. So the speaking of Self Forgiveness really supported me to see what I have been accepting and allowing of myself in relation to this aspect of my job and I also saw that, how could I reap the fruits that I desire or want from my job if I am constantly blaming and judging and angry towards my job?

That is like having a child and wanting to have a deep, fun, and enjoyable relationship with the child but then raising that child through blaming it, judging it, criticizing it, being angry at it, ect… eventually you are going to create a resentment within the child towards you so in essence,

How can I create the success I am wanting with my job if I am in direct conflict with the very thing I am wanting to support this end. It’s a contradiction. So this was an interesting dynamic to see in the my relationship with my job and realizing here that It’s up to ME to establish a more effective supportive relationship with this particular part of my job that I was in conflict with, beginning with stopping that relationship where I was giving all my power away through blame, by saying “its your fault” so rather, now accepting, and realizing, I am the ONE, I am the SOURCE of my experience and I am the SOURCE of the relationship I create towards, with, as my job and so I must start working with my experience, like that experience I have of resistance and depression in the mornings that I seem to wake up with where for instance if I see this experience coming up again, I know that its connected to and based on the points of blame and abdication of my Self Responsibility in relation to my job and so can support myself to change this through for example, speaking some self forgiveness and correct myself in those moments and Direct Myself to Stand as the SOLE Creator of experience and so 100% responsible for them and my relationships that exist as me within my life.

So now going forwards after seeing this today, I am now going to practice identifying that ‘blame signature’ of this particular experience that has been coming through lately so that I can make sure to ALIGN myself according to Supporting myself and Standing as SELF RESPONSIBLE for Myself and my Experience and my Relationship to my Job so that I can stop and change this experience and see how I can support myself to change my relationship to/within my job so that it is Supportive!

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Forgetting To SEE MYSELF in my Passions – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 819

September 8, 2017 / Author / Leave a comment

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I thought I would take a moment and sit down here to do some writing and share what I have been up to lately. I have recently started putting more time towards developing some acrylic paintings. Most or much of my focus these days goes towards developing my art business. So a big point for me that I have been walking for some time is the relationship between Art and Money. But this could also be understood as the relationship between ones passions and making money with ones passions. I am not sure how rare my situation is but I decided that I would pursue creating and selling art, essentially my passion, as how I would make my primary income and it has been an interesting journey. For the first 10 years after I graduated art school and begun pursuing my passion of creating art and turning that into my career, I never really sold much art and just found other ways to make money. My approach back then was simply to create art and frankly I never made art to sell. In fact I believed that if I was making art to sell then I would be a Sell Out and so I steered clear of that and went for a kind of purity (or so I believed) of just expressing myself and not bothering to worry about if it sold or not, though, I actually did want it to sell and I did want to make money off of it. Although during that time, even though I wasn’t really creating art with the mindset of making it to sell, I did still have external influences from the perspective of I did want other people to like what I was doing, they didn’t have to buy it, they just had to like it. But that is whole other point for a different blog.

After a time away from doing art as my primary focus I got back into it about 4 or 5 years ago and this time I ended up in a situation where I was making it and selling it and surviving off of it. Though the art I was making you could say was more geared towards a particular market or aesthetic preference that wasn’t necessarily my personal preference. And this has been quite a challenge for me to essentially take a subject or style that is not necessarily ‘my preference’ and then to find myself in it, to, Make it My Own so to speak.

I will also add here that “My Preference” is definitely something I am still getting to know and so am willing to do things that I believe are not my preference to actually investigate them deeply and see if I can connect to it on some level because honestly “my preference” I realize has been greatly influenced, directed, impulsed by my culture, parents, peers, society, ect, so I have am definitely willing to challenge “my preference” and to make actually walk that process of really understanding what it means to get to know Myself on a deep level and understand what I do really personally like and enjoy and make sure this is not just something that someone told me I like or I thought I was supposed to like it because everyone else did. Okay back to my point…

Over time and more so lately I have begun putting more time into painting and developing this more marketable line of work. And the question I have been walking and attempting to find the balance within is, that line between creating art to sell, that is marketable, and creating art for me where I can add my personal touch and take the art in directions that is more about my personal self expression and making sure that in the end the artwork contains depth and substance, than just making something to sell.

Okay going to add some Self Forgiveness Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what other people will think about me if I create art that is marketable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider that one can make marketable art that still has depth, substance, and quality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted or dissuaded by my fears in a way where I don’t give myself the opportunity to test the theory of creating art that is marketable but also still has ME and My personal touch on it where I can create the depth, quality, and substance that I would like to.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to develop a style that is both marketable as well as having substance, quality, and depth to it so I can be proud and happy with the work I create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a sell-out if I create art that is marketable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my fears to get the best of me where I will stop before even giving myself the chance to explore various ways of creating the Depth that I would like into my art while at the same time having it be something marketable and sellable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into EGO within thinking “I am too good” to make art that sells, meaning where I essentially believe and have also judged others as “Just making art to sell” and believing that this compromises the artistic integrity within the art.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my art to be good and fear diluting it through its relationship with money, but then not take this point BACK TO SELF and consider how HOW I LIVE and WHO I AM in my daily life within and without is for instance compromised by money or ultimately where I am actually compromising Myself and my own Quality and Substance by allowing myself to live in ways that is not best for me, but then divert my attention off of myself and just obsess about my art when the Real point here Should be about WHO I AM for real in real life because Who I am is what really matters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other people knowing that I am making art that is marketable because I fear they will lose respect for me and they will stop respecting the art I make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people think I am selling out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what other people think about me when what other people think about me is Not who I actually am, and who I actually am is what really matters and that is something that I Live and Walk and Express day by day and I am essentially the Gatekeeper of Who I am and am Responsible for who I am and must answer to myself with regards to what I accept and allow of and as myself and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that Who I am and How I live moment to moment is really What Matters in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in the surface dimension of worrying what other people think about my art and if they think I am selling out when this is like an irrational fear that is actually removed from who I am and what I live in real physical substance day to day and moment to moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to influenced and directed by fear energy and anxiety energy in relation to what I thought or think people think about my art.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus too much on what my art looks like where it becomes a form of obsession where in I forget about ME and Taking Care of Myself and Working on points within myself to assist and support me to become and live to my utmost potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess over my art and if other people will like it, and end up neglecting Myself and Working with myself in a process of Self Creation to become a Self that I am Satisfied and Happy with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore working on my inner reality through regular Self Writing and Self Forgiveness as a point of actually supporting myself to Correct, Change, and Transform those parts of myself that I see are not what they could be or are supporting me within my utmost potential. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to work on these aspects of self, and just focus all of my attention outside of myself into my art, and art business.

I commit myself to LIVE HERE, and to when and as I see myself going into that dimension of obsessing about what others might think about my art, to stop and take and in breath, and within the exhale, I slow myself down and bring myself back to the moment and back to here and realize that what Really Matters is WHO I AM and that when I start worrying about what other people think about my art and how that reflects on me, I realize that here I am actually OFF POINT and so I bring myself back to THEE POINT which is ME and Self and Who I am within myself and How I am LIVING moment to moment and I commit myself to assist and support myself to place my attention HERE onto me and to assist and support myself to work on Myself and What Really Matters which is Who I am in each and every moment, So that I can stand and face myself and look myself in the Eye, and know that I am Living my Best Self and be actually truly Satisfied and Content with myself, and Love Myself.

Okay so the point that is actually coming through here, which I was thinking that this blog would be about anyways, is not so much about the relationship between ones passions and making money with ones passions, but rather when ones Passions become more important than SELF. Because I have been noticing this with myself lately where although I have been investing more time into my art which is cool, though, I have in a slight way have been neglecting the most important point which is ME and just working with myself on that Inner Deep level in a way where I am supporting ME within my Process of Personal Self Creation and Transformation and basically just working on WHO I AM in each and every breath.

A New Dimension of SUCCESS – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 818

August 30, 2017August 30, 2017 / Author / Leave a comment

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I recently started reading a book written about Jack Ma and the creation of Alibaba which is one of the worlds largest online marketplaces. In reading about Jack and his enterprise I came across a couple examples of Ma’s definition of Success that I found to be very grounded, practical, and livable by anyone where he really took that point of success and boiled it down into something tangible, and accessible to everyone.

What I find interesting is that I have been deliberately working with the process of Re-defining and Living Words, and here this man actually did exactly this by coming up with his personal definition of Success that he could live and apply in his world in a way that supported him.

In the book, Ma defined it as follows,

“Success lies not in how much you have accomplished, but in the fact that you have done something, experienced the process, and begun to learn something”

What I like about this definition is it emphasizes not an outcome of good or bad, success or failure, but of THE ACT, the point of taking action and actually doing something – That is the success, the fact that you got off your but and applied yourself.

For me, I have been slowly starting to develop a new body of artwork and so I really relate to this definition of success because for me the most difficult part often is just getting up and DOING SOMETHING, or motivating myself to sit down in front of my canvas and start painting. Where that very action IS the success, not the outcome, but the ACT.

So here I see for myself that to be more successful requires me to take more action. On paper it looks easy, though I do understand that applying and living this definition of success may bring up other dimensions for me to consider and work out.

Okay that’s the point I wanted to Share!

Living the Word ‘NURTURE’ – An Artists Journey To Life – Day 817

July 25, 2017 / Author / Leave a comment

Today marks one week since I began re-defining and living the word ‘Nurture’. What I have found with doing this deliberately for the past 7 days is that it has been a process in where various different dimensions of this word and application opened up during the week.

My starting point directive with living this word Nurture was for me, to simply stop abusing myself through participating with behaviors and making decisions that I know are not best for me. So initially I kept it very simple because I could see that even through I wasn’t ‘doing anything’ per se, but rather stopping myself from engaging with destructive habits/patterns/addictions, that in itself was for me a point of living this word Nurture, where I was simply giving myself the opportunity to Nurture the Best of Me, to Nurture my potential which I was not allowing of myself through accepting me to engage and participate with addiction behavior patterns that was creating quite a toxic inner experience within myself. So part of my decision to live this word ‘Nurture’ was to support myself to stop creating and living within a toxic inner environment and instead support myself in creating and living within a supportive, Nurturing inner environment.

From that initial starting point I then began later in the week looking at and practicing a more ‘active’ application where I began asking myself how I can actually physically, practically Nurture myself and the different points in my environment which is also ME as an extension of me. I also had a new art project that I had started and so I was looking at what it would mean to “Nurture” this new art project which I began doing by simply spending some time actually working on it.

I also began focusing on giving more direction to my environment in terms of maintaining my laundry, doing the dishes, making the bed, and just general household tasks where in moments where I wasn’t doing anything I would direct myself to move, even if it was just a little, some of these household tasks. This to me was Living the word Nurture, because I was taking action to creating a supportively functional environment for myself, like having fresh clean clothes, or a cleaner space and meanwhile sticking to my initial starting point of this word Nurture through by not engaging in that which I know actually ends up creating inner frustration, resentments, and hatred within and towards myself which ultimately does not INSPIRE me to make the most of me and my life, and so I do see the importance here of essentially giving myself this base platform of support by stopping my participation in those decisions and activities that really create a lot of inner turmoil within me.

Also just to mention here that around 4 or 5 of the 7 days, I would actually sit down with my notebook and go over my process with living the word Nurture in writing, where Id just kind of write out any new points I was seeing and realizations and hang-ups and things like that where writing regularly is definitely a part of me working with opening this word up for myself and developing some direction with it.

Last night at the end of the week my partner mentioned a New dimension that I could add to my practicing and applying Living this word ‘Nurture’. She mentioned this dimension of Honoring what I had already created, so meaning where now that I have walked this point for a week. To Living this word Nurture, would also mean to Nurture that which I had already begun birthing into existence as the dimensions of this word which I had begun living and applying the first week.

I think of a little chick in an egg where it starts out as just an embryo. Now, the mother doesn’t just get up and walk away after a little while but rather does the due diligence to ensure the embryo can grow into its full potential and eventually hatch from the egg and become a full grown chicken. So this dimension of the word Nurture that was mentioned last night by my partner is that point of not walking away or disregarding what I have started but rather to follow through, to support and nurture the development of the point until it is Solid and full grown.

This was a cool point brought up by my partner because I had in the past had the tendency to abandon points that I had begun nurturing and before they grow into something substantial within and as me and my life I just let them go and return back to ‘my old self’ or the old patterns and this case the old destructive habits that end up cultivating self hatred, resentment, and frustration. And so I am seeing here “Follow Through” can be a key here to Living and applying this word Nurture for and as myself.

So that is where I am currently with this word Nurture, and will continue to practicing implementing this word as a Living Application into my life so that it just doesn’t disappear like so many things I do or decide to do. I mean, I still have to do it so ultimately I will see how it goes.

I mean right now this word after living it for a week, feels like just an embryo just in the very beginning stages of taking shape and becoming something of substance, yet at the same time I recognize that I have actually brought forth this little creation through deliberately making the decision to live this word for this week, and so I see, that there is much I can still do to solidify and strengthen this word/point within myself and my living to support me to really form a new habit or application or way of living so to speak instead of just letting it/myself go and going back to my already pre-established patterns. So I will continue and see what unfolds.

PROSPERITY – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 816

June 27, 2017 / Author / Leave a comment

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Recently I have been looking at my career/job and finding words that I would like to have be embodied and expressed within my career/job that I see are not yet existing in ways that I would like. In doing this I came up with a list of 5 words with one of them being ‘Prosperity’. These words more emerged organically out of the writing I was doing.

Now my approach with looking at and learning how to bring these words through as expressions and outcomes into my career is to first look at how I can Live, embody, and express each word for and as Myself where I first look at each word on a more personal level.

So in essence these words don’t necessarily have to do only with my job and for me it makes sense that anything to do with my job/career is actually simply a reflection of ME and so if I would like certain words to be a part of my career/job, then I must actually make them a part of ME on a fundamental level of who I am and how I live moment to moment.

So one of the words I was looking at was the word ‘Prosperity’ and so what does it mean for me to LIVE this word for myself in my moment to moment living.

In writing about this word Prosperity I began to pull through some context for myself about what this word really means, what I would like it to mean, and also how I can LIVE this word for myself in relation to creating my utmost potential for myself and others and one of the dimensions I am working with is that ‘Prosperity’ does not exist in isolation, so meaning, prosperity does not mean I take from someone else to get more. And I think this method of prosperity Is actually more common in this world than it really should be where some are prosperous at the expense of others, but then to me this isn’t really ‘Prosperity’ because connected to it is actually suffering. So then how does one live prosperity where ALL are benefited from the outcome.

So I have been taking this point of prosperity down to an individual level and looking at how I can live and express this word from moment to moment and what that would look like.

How would I live this word while doing the dishes, or communicating with someone, or interacting with my cats, or writing this blog.

Prosperity within the context of this blog is where the BENEFITS would be achieved not just for me but for others as well. So this ‘mutual receiving of benefits’ was just one dimension of this word ‘Prosperity’ that I have been looking at and taking into my living actions and asking myself how each moment or activity can be a prosperous one.

I wonder if my overall presence in terms of how I am existing on a mental/presence/mind state is a prosperous one? Or do I supress myself and judge myself and allow behaviors and patterns that really just cycle over and over in the same point and not really creating anything new, different, fresh. So here I can see looking at prosperity on this level could be a cool way to re-define this word for myself.

I am now reminded of the word ‘Fallow” where in agriculture this is where fields are allowed to rest for a season and are not planted so that they can regenerate. And I see how with how my mind works, I tend to often only focus on the same or similar things and similar thoughts throughout my day which I see would then always just lead to the same outcome and essentially exhausting the ‘fruit’ if you will that comes from ones ideas and expressions. So here in terms of Living the word ‘Prosperity’ I understand here a necessity to not just live out the same patterns and thoughts daily, but to direct oneself to include NEW ways of thinking/being/expressing so to open up new fruits to be born and give the old exhausted trees of thought and action a rest for a while.

Do I Have an Impact in the Lives of Others? – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 815

June 6, 2017 / Author / Leave a comment

I have recently been listening to the New Eqafe series on the statement “I Matter” and will share here what I gained from the interviews as well as how I am applying in my own living what I have been listening too.

One of the questions posed in the series that stood out the most to me was the question of Who you are in relation to other people in your life and DO YOU MATTER in their lives at all or the questions I was reflecting while listening to the interviews was “Do I matter to these people or am I just kind of there in their lives and having no impact on them or their lives what so ever?” Is that who I want to be for others and myself?”

Now this question of “Do I matter” has nothing to do with wanting or needing others to recognize me. It more has to do with Looking at Myself and how I live and considering how I want to live and who I could potentially be in this world and the kind of impact I could have on peoples lives and the people around me instead of just kind of existing as a fly on the wall where its like I am actually having very little impact on peoples lives.

This question raised in this series I thought was a really cool point for me because I have noticed that I do have quite a small circle of individuals in my life and my relationship with them can at times be very inconsequential.

I can see for myself that actually I would rather contribute some real value to peoples lives instead of just kind of ‘being there’.

A couple days before this interview I had received an e-mail from a colleague of mine asking me for some information. My immediate reaction was going into resistance towards providing the info, in particular providing the info in a level of detail that would actually be supportive for him. I had thoughts like “its not my responsibility to provide you this stuff” and “your getting me to do your legwork” and other thoughts in this nature where I didn’t want to at all put in ANY Effort whatsoever to give this info to this individual aside from the bare minimum. I could see that I was in fact having a little emotional tantrum and so I decided to just let the point go for now and re-visit it later after I’d sorted out my reaction.

So as I was listening to the I Matter Series on Eqafe and I started seeing this consideration to actually move myself to actually start Mattering in the relationships I have in my life, I saw how, if I were to actually put in the time to really give my colleague a thorough detailed response to his inquiry that I really could be an actual support to his project and his life.

So this is exactly what I did.

Obviously this is something that I have to push more with myself where I stop just doing the bare minimum when it comes to who I am in relation to others and the kinds of contributions I give to others unconditionally. You know, I see that I can also do with any kind of project I am doing also, where I really give it my all. So it just doesn’t go for peer to peer relationships, but ALL relationships that one is existing in within ones life.

I remember 10 years ago, an individual literally changed the course of my life by actually putting in the effort to answer some questions I had where this individual provided me with support that could have easily just not been given. From my perspective, I was a complete stranger and I was not really giving anything in return, and yet the answers I received for my questions went above and beyond the scope of common human curtesy. To me it revealed a genuine and real interest in MAKING A DIFFERENCE in this world and in the lives of others.

So this is definitely something I would like to contribute and continue to develop and become within myself where I push myself to have a real impact on the lives of others, where I do this not only for them but for me and for the world as a whole.

Id highly recommend this series which began with the following interview. – https://eqafe.com/p/purpose-has-left-the-building-reptilians-part-560

The Force of Fear – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 814

May 18, 2017 / Author / Leave a comment

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Last week I ended up leaving work early after noticing some pain and discomfort in my shoulder. I decided I would take the rest of the week off, and the weekend as I usually do and be ready for work again on Monday. By Sunday it was clear that the injury I sustained would require more time for healing. I set a new goal to be back to work mid-week and now today marks the mid-week and once again I am met with the reality of the situation, that more time is required.

So this has been an interesting experience/process because suddenly and unexpectedly I am unable to do the job and purpose I have given myself and have been focusing on for the past 4 years.

The first couple days I resisted facing myself, meaning I resisted facing myself in those moments where I would have to direct myself where normally I would be at work giving all my attention and energy to that where suddenly I have been forced into a different reality where what I have been focusing on day in and day out for the past few years is not an option, and so I now I have to figure out something else to do with myself and my time.

In a way this is actually quite cool because I haven’t really had a moment to do this in quite some time because I kind of created a routine that I have been living out and so not really needing to create my day in any other way than the usual routine.

I had been trying to work through the pain for a while until finally I pushed it too far and ended up hurting myself.

This brought up some considerations for me regarding how I wasn’t really directing myself supportively and so I have been looking at what experiences lead up to the injury and how I can adjust and realign my approach to my job so that I am doing it in a more supportive and sustainable way instead of just soldiering through with my head down, insisting that, I have no other choice, then suddenly my body physically gives out.

One driving force in this reality that I see I have definitely allowed to influence me in my life which contributed to this injury is the force of FEAR. And specifically Fear in relation to survival which is connected with Money and so one drives oneself to make money getting so caught up in that FEAR of Survival that in my case I pushed my physical body in such a way where it gave out.

So definitely some introspection necessary here to sort this accepted Fear of Survival taking such a hold on my expression and drive and direction in life to the point where I needed a physical reminder as a body injury to SNAP ME OUT OF IT or at least put in a position where I stop for a moment and look at how I have been living.

Actually in all honesty, I am also relieved. Relieved to be able to have a moment to not think about that which I have been thinking about soooooo much for the past 4 years, and so I have an opportunity to kind of just step back for a moment and assess everything and step out of those thought patterns that I have been engaged in for so long. So yes, some relief to now just have a moment to step out of that routine.

So in assessing my physical body day to day, I would say I am at LEAST a week away from returning to work. And during this time I can began practicing LISTENING to my Body and actually Honoring the feedback its giving me and stop accepting and allowing myself to come up with reasons to continue pushing myself until I get hurt. I told myself “I had no choice” where now that things have slowed down a bit, I do see that I actually during that time I was busy pushing to complete the projects I wanted too, that I did have a choice during that time and I could have slowed down, and been more patient. So its been an interesting few days and I will continue to walk both the inner and outer of supporting myself through this injury process.