Captain of My Ship – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 767

Today’s blog post was prompted by a few reactions I was having today in relation to different events in my life. My life is going through a few changes at the moment and so as part of these changes there is some New points opening up as well as some new phases and processes to be walked as I begin this next chapter of my life.

So as this next phase has been opening up, I have noticed that I haven’t been taking it as smoothly as I could be. I noticed today that there was one point in particular that I was almost trying to force to ‘move faster’ when realistically there is certain points which simply must come together first in reality and for these points to move in reality, it takes TIME.

One dimension I noticed with regards to why I was going into this application of ‘forcing’ was actually a dimension of ‘Fear’ where Its like there is this urgency within me where I become frantic and feel like I just have to get everything moving right away as fast as possible or else things aren’t going to work out and I then I end up becoming possessed by this urgency experience which is like a mix of anxiety, excitement and fear all swirling around inside me.

This also goes back to a point of being Impatient and instead of trusting that things will work out, (with my participation of course) rather I go into fear and anticipation of things not working out at all.

Overall, I can see that there is still a lot I can learn about how to effectively walk new points, and stages, and phases of my life and process so that it’s more of a gentle ride rather than me trying to fight and force things to go how I think, and want them to go where this force is coming from a starting point of fear and of REACTIONS.

Another dimension that I can see at play within my experience of walking this new phase of my life is a real lack of Trust. I see that there is a lot of doubt within me with regards to how things are going. Its like I have pushed the boat off from the shore and now I fear the direction that I have taken and I fear the journey that I have set myself on.

“Can I really do this”

“is this the right way”

“is this a mistake”

“What if things don’t work out”

“I am going to crash and burn”

So yes, a lot of programs firing here within my mind. As I write this I am also seeing that I have an opportunity to Support Myself through this next phase of my life or I can just not support myself and “see what happens” and perhaps just end up letting the thought/reaction patterns and behaviors flair up and direct me and my life.

The overall points I am seeing at the moment is that YES, there is a new phase underway. And that I am the guide so to speak. I can guide myself through this phase with awareness, Direction, and Self Support and use this as an opportunity to actually make some Self-Corrections so that I become a more effective Navigator or ‘Captain of my Ship’, or I don’t and just make things more challenging for myself. Obviously time will tell and the Decisions I Live will determine who I really am within this new process unfolding.

So this writing has supported in clearing some of the fog so I can see a bit more clearly with what I am working with.  Here are a few points for me to work with as I move forward

• Patience
• Self-Trust
• Fearing the Worst (because I have programmed myself to do this)
• Doubt
• Redefining Words to support me to be more Patient, tolerant, embracing and accepting of things and not going so quickly into judgement and reactions towards how things are playing out no matter how I think they should go.

Aphixing My Attention – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 766

Anchor

So tonight I have been noticing myself going into a thought/reaction pattern in my mind so I am going to do some writing here as a point of grounding myself and stopping myself from just going into the reaction pattern.

At the moment right now in my life there is a bit of transition happening. And so within this transition there is some future points that are at this stage ‘unknowns’. I tendency I have noticed with myself is where I will start going into my mind, and thinking and worrying about these ‘unknowns’ and often going straight to ‘worst case scenarios’. So as I was sitting around this evening I began going into this particular vein of thinking and wondering and worrying and fearing about the future where I ended up getting carried away into the thoughts, into the imagination play-outs of what may or may not happen, and into the energetic experiences attached to these, such as fear, worry, depression, anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness, dread, anxiety ect.

Know as I am writing this, one thing I can see is that what I am doing is I am allowing myself to take the “unknowns” and basically running wild in my mind, playing out all the worst case scenarios, and getting sucked into these black hole unknowns.

So Here I am going to look at a word or some words that I can practice living to assist and support myself from allowing myself and my mind to take these future unknowns and basically using them as points to “run wild” and conjure up all sorts of fears and worries ect.

Firstly, I am aware that doing this does not support me, and I am aware when “the mind kicks in” and I take myself for a ride, instead of remaining grounded and Here.

Also whats interesting is the mind really wants to jump ahead into the future and try and ‘fill in’ or simulate what might happen in those future unknown spaces.

So here I realize myself that one way I can support myself to walk through this phase of my life is through by sticking to the moment. And really living the word Patience.

I do not want to jump ahead.

I want to remain here.

So, no jumping or skipping ahead.

I need a heavy weight to weigh me down so that I cannot jump or skip ahead, but that keep my eyes and myself firmly on the ground right where I stand.

So then this application of doing this, of anchoring myself in the moment and not allowing myself to go into a frenzy of imaginations, emotions, and thoughts in my mind, is related to living the words Patience, Groundedness, And Slowness, and embodying the SNAIL, to move sllloooooowwww like a snail. One moment at a time standing and walking in real space and time.

Space and Time moves Slow and this is where I want to be.

I want to be Equal with the moment as I walk this transition phase of my life.

I am going to look at the word ‘Affixed’ as a new word I can integrate into my life to support me in remaining stable as I walk this transitional period in my life.

In living the word affixed in relation to this point that developed tonight, means to be affixed to the moment. To be affixed and tethered and anchored to this physical reality and the moment before me instead of being disconnected from my moment and my reality and in my mind jumping ahead into the future into some alternate reality that does not exist. So I am going to practice living this word affixed.

Alright cool, this writing has also supported me to ground myself and affix myself back to my Real Physical Reality where I want to be. So perhaps I should change the spelling also to Aphix. The ‘ph’ representing the PHYISICAL Reality which is where I want to be.

Now one other point of awareness I am seeing here with this process of “not jumping ahead in my reality” is that I realize that I am already here. And so from this perspective I do not have to ‘affix’ myself to the physical reality, because I am already Here in and as this reality as my human physical body that is here breathing and blood flowing and heart beating in and as the physical reality. So for me, what I am seeing is that it is my attention that needs affixing. Where I align my attention to HERE and to and as my physical Self. So in terms of Living this word affix/aphix I see it more in relation to ‘my attention’ that I find still has a tendency to wander off, and so this affixing is also an aligning where I practicing aphixing my attention to the physical part of myself that is standing here and connected to already and existing as the physical reality.

 

 

The CORE of my Process – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 765

 

After walking a process of Self Development, Self Change and now getting into Self Creation with myself, over the last 8 years or so, an interesting aspect came through last night after receiving some good news.

Throughout the past year, there have been times when things were really challenging and I have had to just find a way to keep going and keep pushing, and then there were also times where things were a bit easy and things were more working out.

But one thing that I have found coming through for myself in this process of Self Change, is that the CORE of my process does not actually change according to if things are going easy or if they are more challenging. The Core stays the same, and that Core is the process of “working on self”.

Last night I received some “good news” after quite a while where things were challenging and then finally there was a bit of a breakthrough of sorts in my outside reality for a moment.

I was relieved, and excited, but at the same time there was an awareness and stance within me around the understanding that “nothing really changes” in terms of what is actually important to me.

What I have come to realize for myself is that my attention, and my focus must always be on that real part of me that is really determining the outflow in my life. Its almost like the external reality fluctuates quite a bit and goes into highs and lows. But what I have found about Self Change, is that that process is very slow moving and it doesn’t really fluctuate. It moves like a snail moves. When I look at a snail moving, it doesn’t really seem to fluctuate. It is more just slow and steady, and that is what I am finding happens with Self Change. For me it hasn’t happened quickly and it doesn’t happen in an instant. Although it does happen in a moment, where you decide to change, where you decide to act and direct yourself in a different and new way when faced with particular moments and people ect. But in order to really change, you have to keep re-enforcing that new behavior over and over over a period of time and I have found that takes a while.

It can sometimes be easy to get swept away by good news or overwhelmed by tough times. But for me what I am realizing about this process and “where I want to be” is that I want to be Here, and want to be here making sure that I am still focusing on changing those reaction patterns of emotions, thoughts, and behaviors no matter what is going on in my life. This core application is where I want to continue to focus on daily to really create myself into who I want to be.

I can take responsibility for myself. Its kind of like I am the steering wheel of life. I have to continue to focus on working on that core part of myself and make sure I am aligned and going in the right way in my life. Its so easy to just get lost in your mind, and swept away by your thoughts, or emotions, and so it is important to continue working on understanding how the mind works, and how one has created and programmed oneself throughout their life and then so how to correct those parts of yourself that do not actually support you to live to your utmost potential.

 

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Is “Goal Setting” a Bad Word? – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 764

This past week I decided to set myself a goal of creating art each day after I got home from work.

So the commitment I made was a 7 day commitment.

I have been doing this on and off for the past 4 years where I will go through periods where I make more art and then periods where I don’t make any.

Recently…well, actually for a while now, I have been desiring to develop my art into “something more” but I can never seem to get the ball rolling in a substantial way, but have found myself starting and stopping again, then starting again, and then stopping, and so on and so on.

 

Another aspect that has been coming up recently is the whole idea of goal setting or making commitments and then utilizing that as a point of support.

 

Now I have worked with this whole point of “goal setting” a decent amount in my life, though over the past 2 years, I had noticed that I really started avoiding this because I was finding it was having the reverse affect on what I was wanting it to have. Or at least that is what I told myself.

 

I can see actually that I have/had developed a bit of frustration towards goal setting because it has seemed like I more often bail on my goals before the end, before I meet them, or achieve that which I set out to do, then end up feeling shit.

 

So recently I have started working again more specifically with Goal Setting instead of allowing myself to see this as a “bad word” like I had defined it as. So in a way I am in a process of restoring my relationship  that I had created to goals or goal setting because if I look closely at this point, “goal setting” isn’t good or bad, it is just a tool, and that my “frustration” experience around it was simply due to how I interacted with this point and so I am approaching this point again, and seeing if I can create a different experience around it and see if I can find some practical ways to use goal setting or commitments to support me to become more effective in my life and grow, and achieve things that I would like to, and thus not accepting my previously accepted definition that “goal setting” is a bad word, because obviously that is a self creation and so from a certain perspective here I am correcting my relationship and definition to “goal setting”.

 

Of course the actual challenge is the ACTUAL CORRECTION PROCESS which must be lived and restored over a period of time by setting goals and honoring those goals instead of what always seemed to happen before where I would set a goal and then I would dishonor it.

 

Okay that’s it for tonight.

Where Did My FLOW Go – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 763

 

A few days ago I wrote a blog post about the word “Flow”

A primary experience or point that has been coming up a lot in my life at the moment is feeling like things are just stuck and not moving or flowing. This point has been showing in different ways, but perhaps the most prominent area of my life where I was seeing/noticing it is in relation to money.

I can see that within my life I have formed an interesting relationship with money where in many ways it became a facilitator of my experience in a way where I was actually placing it as God of my experience because I had given it power and authority to determine my experience and well-being where I haven’t really been the Source of my own experience and expression but had rather made myself here very conditional to money.

I have been aware of this for some time, but what’s interesting is that I haven’t yet actually changed the relationship. I have only insisted that I change it, but what my Reality is showing me recently is that I haven’t in fact changed this relationship and re-created it…recreated myself in a way that is more aligned with being SELF Directive, SELF Empowered and SELF Creating. Where SELF is the starting point.

Over the last 3 years I have observed myself and my experience and how it existed as a buoy rising and sinking on the tide of money flowing in and out. So as the tide of money swells, so would my experience and I would have a very specific experience, feeling good with everything, empowered, strong, confident, I would feel like I have flexibility, and things are good, and I could breathe, and relax, and enjoy myself. Though if that tide was out, and money was low, I would feel, restricted, stressed, angry, grumpy, depressed, lost, trapped, desperate, inferior, weak.

And I have been telling myself that I must change this relationship. That I must take back my power in relation to who I am and how I experience and express myself in my life and that this should not be dependent on how much money I have. But I justified why I remained chained to this relationship. I justified why It would affect me. One reason being that “money is just one of this things” “Money is a ‘BIG’ point” so its not like you can just change that relationship overnight. This may be true, but I am noticing that it has been many nights, many weeks, months and even years, and I am still existing in this relationship of dependency with money where I have given it permission to affect and influence not only my experience but also my behavior.

Now bringing the point back to FLOW.

Like I said, I have been experiencing a lack of FLOW in my life. And I have been experiencing this in many ways in relation to money. And then recently I had another unexpected expense come up and man its like I was hit with a tonne of bricks, thus indicating just how much I am still joined at the hip to money, giving it total authority and power to control, direct, and influence me.

So I am here writing this blog as a Step in taking back my power here, and so thus no more continuing to accept and allow this toxic relationship that I have formed with money, where I have basically given it the keys to me, to direct and control me at every level where I am just a slave, and have no directive principle over my experience and behavior but that this is always ultimately determined by how much money I have.

So lets look at FLOW.

I have been noticing that as my money goes out, my self movement starts to slow down. I am less expressive, and also at times get to points where I start closing up, feeling restricted, and depressed, heavy, stressed, and waiting for money to flow back in so that I can feel empowered again and start expressing and moving myself.

So essentially as the money flows out, I stop moving myself. I stop moving and flowing in my own life.

The SOLUTION Here is to, as I have mentioned, to disconnect this relationship I have formed with money and so thus Take Back my SELF RESPONSIBILITY for myself and my experience and Behavior where this does not change according how little or how much money I have and this is definitely an important aspect as well; That its not just about changing your experience when money is low. It’s also about making sure that if for example you have a lot of money coming in, that again here, nothing changes about your experience and behavior.

So the Solution will consist of a few different points.

-Writing about the point to develop more awareness around it and the dimensions within it

-Writing and or Speaking Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment Statements.

-Self Change in a moment, where I move myself into the new behavior and out of the old

-Re-Defining and so then Exploring and Practicing the Living of the word FLOW in a context of where I can Live this daily where it is NOT dependent on Money but rather an expression of Myself.

Okay so what is Practical FLOW.

I was looking at this point again today as I was stuck in this experience of…..well, being stuck. And I was seeing this aspect of the word FLOW how I can LIVE this word FLOW practically, and that it isn’t determined by for instance how much money I have, which I have accepted and allowed to determine the flow of my life and my experience and behavior.

I see that Flow can be lived practically like for instance making sure the normal tasks of your life are flowing nicely. For me I noticed that in having connected my experience to money, and so also my expression of ‘flow’ to money,  that I wasn’t LIVING Flow naturally breath by breath, directing myself and my reality as a Self Expression, consistent and the same no matter what. I see It can be as simple as doing the dishes. That is a point of Practical FLOW in my reality, instead of allowing a build-up to take place because for instance being too depressed to want to do the dishes.

Or even with my artwork. I can see here I can support myself Practically to FLOW here simply by continuing to direct and move this point as well. So today I was seeing this dimension of PRACTICAL FLOW as the flow and movement of my physical reality where I can assist and support myself to focus on this practical flow as I support myself to correct my relationship to money, no more accepting and allowing this to influence my expression, my experience, my behavior, my FLOW.

In my next blog, I will focus more on this point and open it up further through the process of Self Forgiveness and Self Corrections.

It’s Easier to Judge Others Than Take Action Yourself – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 762

Today as I was standing in line at the local coffee shop to get myself a cappuccino, I saw a friend of mine; a fellow artist sitting at a table working on his computer. He has had some success as an artist in his career so when ever I see him, I like to chat a bit and just share what’s going on with my own art and see whats up with him. As it turns out we both had actually been facing a similar point recently and also both came to a similar solution on what to do.

 

For me when I moved here where I live and started creating and selling sculptures at a local gallery, I had basically branched out into the ‘wildlife genre’ of art, something I had never really done before.

 

I had for the past couple years and considered taking this subject matter into my paintings as well but have held off thus far.

 

I live in a ‘Resort Town’ and so a lot of the town, including its art scene very much caters to that clientele, and as a result there is a tendency to have artwork that is very commercialized and focused on selling to tourists.

 

I noticed this right a way and noticed very specific themes and styles of art in the city that I saw as quite commercial and in fact I had all sorts of various judgements and opinions about it. Though I had never ventured to create any of my own variation on these themes which I was essentially using as a benchmark from which to form my own opinions around what they are doing.

 

So this is really the point I was referring to earlier in this blog about what my artist friend and I had realized about points we both were facing.

 

We were both looking at beginning a new series of work and there was a common realization that both him and myself shared about why were doing this.

 

That…

 

Its easy to judge something, especially if you have never done it yourself.

 

Yes we perhaps could see ways to improve on what we were seeing, but ultimately, we hadn’t actually physically moved to do it and explore for ourselves these improvements in real physical creations

 

For me I had so many opinions about what everyone else was doing and one reason I did is because I saw from my own vantage point how “you could do so much more” with it, yet, ‘the problem’ if you want to call it that, was that I was not directing or moving myself to LIVE BY EXAMPLE through by creating and expressing that example for myself as a self expression but had rather just remained more in judgement, and opinion to the point where it was really getting to me that I was spending so much time on these judgements and opinions every time I was seeing this art around me, and yet, had still not moved myself to create my own and to ultimately SHOW MYSELF first and foremost this “so much more” that I saw was possible when looking at these other examples of art I was seeing all around me.

 

I mean, I could even be deluding myself, and that I may find that once I begin this new series of work, that what I was seeing as different potentials is actually more difficult than I think. But I will never know for sure unless I try it out for myself.

Creating Flow – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 761

As I was writing yesterday an interesting word kept coming up that was a newer word I hadn’t noticed as one normally coming through in my writing. The word was “Stalled”. Part of my regular writing practice consists of describing myself, my experience, and my life and then within this description I will identify key words that jump out and then take those words and open them up further.

So the word that came through yesterday was the word “Stalled”

From here, I looked at a word that I could Live that would be the correction of the word “Stalled” or that will simply support me in creating myself in a way that I see is more satisfying and fulfilling than how things currently are within existing within and as the word “Stalled”

So the new word I came up with as something to begin exploring, expressing, and Living in my life as a point of Self Correction to the word “Stalled” is the word “FLOW”

 

Flow

One aspect I can see where I can support myself to live this word Flow is through by not allowing myself to become stalled in by where I allow myself to give in to resistance and then my movements become hampered by this resistance instead of me simply moving and directing myself in my life in what needs to be done. I can see that one way I do not live the word flow is basically through by now flowing from one activity to the next within my day but rather that I “Stall” instead of taking on things more continuously. I wonder where else in my life I am stalling.

So basically here its important to look at all dimensions of my life and see where and how I am existing within this word “stalled” and to thus introduce the word Flow as a corrective behavior in these areas.

Work/career

Relationship

Health

Money

Personal Process

Self Development

Diet

Sex

Friends

Communication

Sleep

Responsibilities and obligations

Facing fears

Cleaning

Animal care

Cooking

Reading

Self forgiveness

Leisure

Savings

Art

Painting

Networking

Self Creation

My Passion

Family

Time

 

Alright from here I am going to take this point into some Self Forgiveness and so also continue exploring how to introduce this word into myself and life so that I can support myself to become un-stalled which is not the greatest experience and so become and Live the word FLOW.