The Resistance of “I just don’t really feel like doing it” – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 782



Today after getting home from work I settled in on the couch to just relax a bit before I got into directing some other points I had planned to get to in the evening.

As I sat there on the couch I started feeling a bit more heavy and lethargic and tired and had the usual “well now I don’t really feel like doing much” experience come up within me.

This has been a specific ‘Experience’ I have been accepting and allowing to get the best of me lately and actually for quite a while really. I can actually trace this point back over a year in terms of the nature in how it is existing within me and my life at the moment.

I have started a couple new paintings at home as something that I can do later on the evenings a point of Self Development instead of just essentially wasting my time on the computer. But within this, I am still faced with Resistance as that initial experience of “not really feeling like it” which I see is or has been one of the main points in which I’d allow myself to give into the mind and the reasons and excuses to not Direct, Move, and Express Myself, and LIVE in a more supportive, substantial way.

So it is this specific resistance experience that I am “calling out” in this blog and putting a name to as a specific point for me to be aware of and support myself to walk through in moments when it comes up so I can support myself to Get More Out of Myself and Expand Myself and Live to a Greater Potential.

I noticed that once I got up off the couch and did the dishes and got things ready to paint, that I kind of shook myself out of that lethargic, tiredness experience, and I also noticed that after I had finished with my painting session that I experienced myself as much more alert within myself which if I were to go off my “mind logic”, the same mind that earlier was telling myself that “I don’t really feel like it” then you’d assume that I would be more tired after working more. But I did notice I experienced myself as more alert actually which to me was cool feedback that my Expression was more Supportive for Myself, than just sinking into the couch and vegging out.

Another dimension I am noticing when it comes to moving into processes or expressions of creativity or action is that sometimes it might take a bit of pushing. Like a car that you have to turn over a few times before it starts, and then you can drive away. I noticed this even with this blog tonight, that I had to push myself to “get over” the Blank Page that was staring me in the face where at first I actually didn’t have anything to write about, so it took a bit of pushing and prodding myself to start opening something up and then getting into a flow.

I have also noticed with my paintings that It is very easy to allow myself to accept different judgements about the painting as a justification to not work on it, like thinking “I don’t have a good enough idea” and then so I do nothing.

So this is another dimension I am seeing as a point to be aware of as I walk this process of moving from Simulation to Stimulation meaning where I move from how I would just sit on the couch and entertain myself and basically Simulate all kinds of activity in my mind through watching tv series ect, but that I wouldn’t really STIMULATE myself through actual Physical Self Movement within my Reality.

Okay so just opening up a few dimensions I am seeing within this point of me Walking the Process of Moving From Self Simulation to Self Creation and Self Expression where I am Living/Moving/Stimulating myself in a more Physical, Self Supportive Developmental way.

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From SIMULATION To STIMULATION – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 781


So recently I have been looking at and investigating into the word ‘STIMULATION’. I noticed that how I was Living out this word Stimulation was not supporting me and not aligned within myself and my living in a way that was reflecting my utmost potential. What I noticed is that I in fact had accepted and allowed this word ‘Stimulation’ to be aligned more with Consumer Culture instead of a Culture that Cultivates ones Utmost Potential because obviously Consumer Culture does not in fact do this but is oriented towards quick fixes and Surface images where you more end up fixated on some external point to generate a sense of happiness, enjoyment or stimulation within you.

I noticed for myself that I have essentially lost that ability for myself to Stimulate Myself, to MOVE Myself in my reality in a Creative way when I am faced with a moment where “I don’t know what to do” for instance.

So I have been recently practicing re-defining and re-creating myself as this word STIMULATION where I use this word as a place holder, holding and signifying a part of Myself to Change and Transform into an Expression and way of living and being that reflects my utmost potential.

So what I have been doing is “keeping an eye on” those moments I face where I had noticed how previously this word Stimulation had become ultimately ‘an abuse of self’ where for instance when I faced a moment where “I did not know what to do” or there was a Free Moment Here where I could essentially decided for myself what I wanted to do and how I wanted to express myself, and it was here in these moments that I would take the CONSUMER CULTURE Definition of this word STIMULATION where Id just go for the Consumer Culture QUICK FIX where for example Id indulge in just wasting my time, scrolling through facebook, watching TV Series, movies, youtube, and consuming all kinds of media where id end up zombifying myself in front of the computer ‘Stimulating’ myself however, this kind of stimulation is actually a SIMULATION because nothing really happens in Real Life. All the activity is just taking place in my own Head/Mind as I watch and experience surges of thoughts, pictures, energies, emotions and feelings all associated with what I am watching but I myself am just literally sitting there doing absolutely nothing.

Now, I do see that its cool to enjoy watching your favorite series or what have you, but my problem was that I was using it as an escape and as an EASY OUT, and so my LIVING of the Word Stimulation became abusive because it was based on taking the easy way out and just wanting a quick fix stimulation where essentially I am using the hard work, creativity and resources of others who come together to for instance create a TV Series, where here I am, just getting stimulated by it but not ever Expressing my own Self where watching the creativity of others just became easier than being Creative Myself.

So now I see I have to begin again Developing my ability to Stimulation Myself and be Creative myself.

So I realized that this is exactly where I can Re-Create myself and Transform this word STIMULATION so that instead of it meaning where I just sit there and be stimulated by something, where all the stimulation is actually only taking place in my own mind, it means that I stimulate me through by my own Self Directive Movement where I am actually Physically moving myself through my initial resistances and directing myself in my environment and stimulating my environment and myself physically. A cool metaphor for this is like how you can Stimulate a Plant to Grow by watering it , and aerating the soil or feeding it nutrients or weeding around the plants, or where the wind blows and rustles through the leaves, or where insects and animals are interacting with plant and creating this whole entire culture of physical stimulation in and around the plant that supports in the overall growth of the plant and its ecosystem, its all based on physical movements and interactive relationships.

So basically I am now looking at a Correction here where when ever I am faced with those moments where I am wanting to go into the old definition of Stimulation where I just get on my computer and wander through the internet, I in those moments, can support myself to change this to REAL Stimulation, Physical Stimulation where I move and direct me in a way that Supports the Growth and Development of Myself, My Environment, and Others to Live and Express to our Utmost Potentials.

My INNER Standing Rock – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 780



My Standing Rock

The protests in Standing Rock have been making the news a lot lately. I thought it would be interesting to do some Self Reflection on this point and bring the events of Standing Rock “Back to Self”

That is why I called this blog “My Standing Rock” because here I will investigate the nature of what is going on in Standing Rock and then look within myself to see where and how I am existing within myself within the same nature as the events happening in Standing Rock.

What I have noticed about this world is that there is a lot of protests happening all over the place for various things, though I also noticed that one point that is being missed often is that the very thing that is being protested is actually something that the protesters themselves participate within and exist as, yet they go out marching in protest of such things and forget that they also participate in the very same things.

So lets look at Standing Rock.

It’s a Native Reserve and they are protesting because there is a pipeline being built underground very close the river and they are wanting to stop the pipeline to ensure the protection of the water source that could be affected if there were ever to be a leak in the pipeline. I mean that is very basics of what is going on.

So the question for me is, is there a part of myself that I segregate inside myself and essentially trample over in the process of feeding another part of myself.

I see I do this with certain parts of my life, where I cater more to my strengths and sometimes neglect my weaknesses instead of making sure that I develop all essential parts of my self equally to become a well rounded individual.

Interestingly the first thing though that came up for me was “my body”. My Body is the part of me that I actually neglect and ignore while in the process of striving to feed another part of myself – My Mind feeding the indulgences, desires, and interests of what is going on in my mind.

I am certain I have laid many pipelines within myself to streamline the experience of my mind  while in the meantime forgetting about the affects this has on my physical body. For more information about how this works, I suggest to investigate The School of Ultimate Living (SOUL) to understand this mind-body-relationship.

Now the whole point of protesting is interesting. I find for me I go into Protesting instead of taking action. Like Protesting happens only after its already too late. So its like a façade and actually behind the Protesting there is actually Procrastination as the multiple actions in the past NOT taken to change the situation where now when the consequence starts manifesting, one goes into protesting.

I noticed I do this with my art sometimes where I end up in experiences of frustration where it feels like “I don’t have any time to do any art” and I get frustrated because of being busy and not having enough extra time to develop my art which I have been wanting to do, and then I will Protest, like going into emotions and frustrations and blame, though, if I am Self Honest, I see that I could have actually done something earlier,  and directed myself to create art in moments where I did have the time, and that my protests are only covering up the fact that I didn’t direct myself earlier.

That is one aspect at least. So here I see that one Solution for my situation to avoid protesting is to take action now, within the realization that if I do nothing, then I risk ending up in a situation where I did nothing but wish I had done something. Another dimension of this Solution is that when I see myself going into an Inner Protest to realize that this is a Red-Flag and indicating that I must now look back at my life and look at where I didn’t move myself when I could have and then the move myself to correct myself so that I do not allow it happen again.

Protests are in a way a point of Disempowerment actually, and so the point is to move from Disempowerment into Self Responsibility through where instead of going into protesting, one rather take the opportunity to Stand in Self Responsibility, realizing that I am Responsible and look back and see where Self Could Have Done Something Different or acted differently to not have participated in creating the consequences in ones life and then Directing Self to Change so as to not do it again.

So here I am speaking directly about how I experience and see PROTESTING taking place within ME.

I am not really here to say if the Standing Rock Protests are right or wrong, I am more investigating how I can support myself to live more effectively within the context of creating a world that is Best for ALL, and so part of this process is Bringing All points back to SELF and Seeing this world as a Reflection of who we are on the inside and then working to change how we personally function within ourselves like in the case above where I talked about my inner experience of protesting and how to change this to Self Responsibility.

So those are some Self Reflections on the Standing Rock Situation.

Realizing What it Means Live With Purpose and Passion – An Artist Journey To Life: Day 779


For all of my life I have had a Purpose. But what I am starting to realize about myself is that although I have had ‘A’ Purpose, I have not had Purpose, meaning my purpose was always something outside of myself that I could dedicate myself too. When I was young I dedicated myself to athletics, when I got older and still now today I dedicated myself to my art, but what I am realizing is that having ‘a point’ to dedicate oneself too does not mean one has Purpose. Let me explain.

I have been living with my partner now for over and year and we have been together in our relationship/agreement for around 3 years. One topic often comes up between us is the difference between ourselves, particularly related to the point of “Purpose” or “Having a Purpose” or more specifically, how in my life, I have always had “a point” with my art, where she never really had that “one thing” that she did where instead she just kind of did many different things.

From a really young age I began doing art and found I really liked doing art, and so I continued doing this throughout my life. I went to art school, and I decided I wanted to do art as a living. It wasn’t like I ended up in my 30’s or even 20’s not knowing what I wanted to do or not yet having found something I enjoyed doing and was satisfied to make my Purpose in Life so to speak, with me I always had Art for this.

But with my Partner, and also so many others in this world, they are the opposite side of the coin, with my partner she never had that, I always wondered what that would be like if I didn’t have my art to focus on and dedicate myself to, as something to develop and refine. I always thought my life would be boring with out it, I thought that my partner must get bored “not having a point”

But over the past couple months an interesting realization has emerged within me in observing myself in my life and observing my partner in her life.

With myself, what I have noticed is that yes, even though I had or have A Purpose as that point of Art to dedicate myself to, I found that I was really struggling to find Passion within it. It more just became something I did, and within myself there was no real passion or drive or Purpose within me in relation to how I was walking this point of Art in my life.

I would come home from work and just go sit on the couch. I didn’t want to get off the couch, it was comfortable. I became more enthralled in watching hockey and analyzing hockey statistics, than I could be enthralled with my own Purpose in doing art. I was more excited about the lives of people I watched on tv series and didn’t really have excitement about my own life. Doing art became such a labor, and man I tried, I tried to get myself enthused to do it. Enthused to get up each morning and live this purpose that I have been dedicated to as a child, and A part of me really wanted to be enthralled, excited, motivated, inspired, but I just couldn’t develop it within myself. I ended up in an experience of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning and this was going on for a while, where I noticed I dreaded getting up in the mornings, and I couldn’t wait for weekends when I could just sleep and not have to worry about getting up. And then when it was time to get up, I would do it and then just lounge around and kind of just entertain and distract myself through the day until it was time for bed again, and I would never really do much art or really do anything outside of the basic expression I have developed to sustain me financially. I was quite conflicted because here I am, and having this point of Art as a Purpose  and apparent Passion of mine to explore and develop within myself and my life where some people don’t even have a point at all, but I just couldn’t get motived to do it! What I am seeing is that I mis-interpreted the point of purpose, thinking that it had something to do with having this one singular long-time point of art that I have had and done throughout my life, but that I am now seeing is not really what it means to have a purpose or passion for life.

Now for the last few months I couldn’t help but notice my partners expression and I noticed that she started developing this pattern of getting up in the mornings quite early. Even on days off she would be up early. I thought this was quite cool. At the same time she had also started moving herself to develop some discipline and consistency in other areas and parts of her life that she saw she wanted to do to support herself and develop herself. Again I thought this was cool.

After a while of observing her moving herself in these applications, this point came up within me something along the lines like: “ Boy for someone like me who is suppose to “have a point” or “Have a Purpose” compared to someone like my partner who “doesn’t really have a point” She actually seems more like the one who is living her life with Passion and Purpose”

Now this really struck me. Because in observing her I saw a Dimension that I did not really grasp before about what it means to Live with Purpose.

My Realization is that Purpose has nothing to do with ‘What You Do’ and everything to do with YOU and How you LIVE PURPOSE AS YOURSELF where Purpose and Passion is something you Embody and Develop from Within, not matter what you do or where you are in your Life, it simply begins with a decision within yourself to Live and Develop Passion and Purpose as yourself in your Living.

For some time now I have equated finding purpose and passion to my art and how I develop and move myself in that point. But then I also see here how in doing that I am leaving out a large portion of my life when I am not doing art.

So in observing my partner recently I really starting seeing this dimension of what It means to Live Purpose and Passion. Essentially I am realizing that Purpose is NOT conditional. And that it must come from YOU. Meaning for instance if I want to be Motivated to Wake up each morning with Passion and Purpose, than I am going to have to do that for myself by Waking Up each morning and getting my ass out of bed. Why?  Because og Deliberately developing that point FOR MYSELF of Waking up with Purpose and Passion in the morning like I have been wanting.

Also in looking at Purpose and Passion in this way of it being IN and AS Self, I started to then see that if I actually Lived with Purpose and Passion and Direction than this would translate into ALL things and ALL parts of my life. So I have to start Living Purpose and Passion within Myself First in relation to Who I am and how I live in each moment, then naturally it would translate into my art expression also.

So now I am in the process and will walk this process for myself of realizing that Having Purpose and Passion begins within ME and is to be Developed within and as myself in each moment And in a way It has nothing to do with my art, though I see I can extend it into my art application but fundamentally the essence of it must start with and exist within ME and how I am Living in Each Moment and Each Breath.

Driven by a Fear of Failure – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 778


Recently I have started to investigate within myself who I have been throughout my life and what has been driving me all these years to have lived my life the way I have and become who I have become.

In my investigations I was looking at this aspect of myself where I always wanted to become the best that I could be, and really tap into the potential that exists within me as a Life Expression.

I am still very much driven to do this however one thing that I am seeing is that this ‘Drive’ to be and become my utmost potential is actually connected with FEAR.

If I look at who I am now in my life, I see that I often feel like I am not living to my full potential, and so within me there exists both a DESIRE to be this Ultimate Self, while at the same time Absolute FEAR that I will NOT do it, and that something, or more specifically I will get in my own way and prevent myself from realizing my Full Potential in this Life-Time.

When I was younger I also noticed this inner drive within me to realize my utmost potential. But even then there was a dimension of this that was connected with competition and being the best in relation to others, instead of being MY BEST, meaning where I Live in such a way that is Unique to me where I support my individual strengths and abilities specific to ME and who I am and where I am in my life where this could in no way be the exact same as someone else and so there is really no way to compare one selves ultimate potential with another’s but rather where Each ones Ultimate Potential is Specific to them.

So what does it mean to Live MY Ultimate Potential?

So in seeing this connection I have had to FEAR in terms of Driving Myself to be the Best I can be in my life, I am now seeing that I will have to revisit this question of what it means to really live and fulfil myself into my fullest Potential and to revisit this question from a point of Stability and Stillness. I am going to now place here a definition of the word “Freedom” that I see as a cool starting point for re-looking at this question for myself

“Freedom – moments that you have with yourself by taking a breath, slowing down and becoming still. In so doing you give yourself the gift of being able to look, reflect, direct and move with self awareness; ensuring that you have the freedom to make a decision without fear and accept the consequences of your thoughts, words and deeds. Trusting that whatever comes, whatever will be: I am here.” – School of Ultimate Living

So moving forward I am going to assist and support myself to remove FEAR out of the equation of what is motivating and driving me in attempting to become my utmost potential as I see that it doesn’t support in me being able to See Clearly and Direct myself in Awareness of Myself within this endeavor which is probably why after all these years, this Fear and Desire in relation to this point is still existing within me.

Till next time.

Trusting Others Before Trusting Yourself – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 777



Do you put more weight on what other people say, or are you stable enough and clear within yourself and your understanding of yourself and the world to Trust your own insights and observations?

I wanted to write about this point today both as a reminder, as well as just opening it up a bit more to clarify, and substantiate for myself.

It has to do with me trusting my own observations and insights as opposed to trusting what other people have to say.

I realize it is important to listen to others and consider their feedback and unique perspective on things, but I also see the importance in making sure that one remains grounded and clear within self where one is using another’s feedback as a cross-reference not as an authority.

I was listening to an interview from EQAFE yesterday and the interview mentioned this point with regards to trusting yourself and knowing yourself enough to not be so influenced and swayed by what other people say and do in this world. Like for instance just following trends just because others do it and say “its cool” instead of CREATING your own style based on your own Unique Self Expression. A fascinating reference point given in the interview with regards to how to support yourself in establishing this clarity and trust within yourself is to make sure that you are doing this with yourself firstly in relation to who you are in and as the mind, meaning, to practice taking DIRECTION with and for yourself in relation to your mind as a starting point for developing ones stability of self instead of just being directed and bossed around by the backchat in your head or emotional reactions that flare up within oneself.

Today I was speaking to a friend of mine and I noticed how much I was moved into emotional/fear/anxiety reactions through the conversation we were having. Some of these reactions were subtle, but escalated throughout the day where by an hour or two after the conversation I could tell what he had said affected me and I was reacting to what he was speaking about because it was contrary to the ideas that I had about certain things.

My realization was that yes its always cool to consider feedback from others, but also what I noticed was how I had completely abandon my own ideas and directions I was moving in based on the feedback I have been getting the last few years from my own reality and so I took this persons words as authority and completely devalued the feedback I had been getting from my reality that was directly related to my day to day living. So this kind of just revealed how I still haven’t established that TRUST within myself in relation to the Directions I am taking in my world and how one persons opinion can sway me or throw me off track instead of being something I can use practically to refine my own personal direction in myself and my life.

So this event today emphasized to me that I still have work to do with practicing my own SELF DIRECTION And Establishing that DEEP STABLE TRUST within and as Myself in relation to my own mind as the first place starting point where I Practice using Common Sense and Practical Insight to Direct Myself and Live in a way that is best for me rather than just following and obeying the impulses and inner talk of the mind that I have programmed into and as me throughout my life as well as through the sins of the fathers in absorbing family and cultural programming ect, where this has become me and “I” am not where to be found because “I” have not yet effectively learned to be HERE and Direct and Express ME as a Directive Principle.

So the process I am walking is learning how to DIRECT MYSELF which I see, realize, and understand Starts with Self as How I Direct me starting with Directing Myself in relation to my mind through not giving into the what the mind tells me to do or tells me who I am. Or giving in to the various emotional programmings of the mind such as depression, apathy, fear, submissiveness, that have kept me “on track” and in the TRAP of my life as routine and preference and comfort that I have patterned myself to be that is not a reflection of my best self and utmost potential.

So one word that I can redefine for myself in relation to this point is the word “Authority” So to support myself to practice living my own Authority for myself.

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

Being Creative in a Marketable World – An Artist Journey To Life: Day 776


I have spent the last 3 and half years working Full-Time as an Artist! That’s pretty cool. I have really enjoyed it and throughout that time have encountered some interesting challenges. Although I have been “making a living” doing art for the last 3.5 years, before that I spent a great deal of time creating art and have actually been developing this art career point since I decided to go to art school when I was 19 years old.

One of the greatest challenges I have faced in particular since I have been earning a living with my art is the balance between creating art that is marketable versus creating art that is truly a unique expression of myself.

Our world and money system is an interesting thing in that there is very specific rules that one must follow to ensure the success of a business. (Or at least this is what I am lead to believe) And you know, what I have found is that these rules also seem to exist in the individual as well. I have encountered this with creating art where it seems individuals are more comfortable purchasing art that is ‘safe’ I will say.

That these ‘safe’ items sell more frequently and readily where the more experimental pieces don’t seem to sell as quickly. And this also goes for apparently controversial contemporary art as well where if it doesn’t have that very recognizable essence of being or looking like contemporary art, than people are afraid to buy it who have contemporary collections.

This has been quite a dilemma for me because obviously when you spend a lot of time creating art you start noticing things about this process. I have for instance noticed that “Art” follows a lot of rule and follows the trends of today. Art today has a very specific look and feel unique to its time just as it did 100 years ago. But its strange because I also notice that this kind of limits REAL CREATIVITY which from my perspective doesn’t follow a trend or preconceived pattern which can be replicated.

But to get to the bottom of this question could be quite a story so I am not going to go into all the dimensions in this blog.

For now I am going to stick to my approach.

Basically, I start with making sure my business side of my Art Making is stable, which means that I am creating art that is creative, but also marketable. Then from there I am essentially funding my own creativity from the perspective of where and when I have enough art for sale that is more proven to sell, or money from sold art, then I can experiment a bit, and be a bit more creative with some pieces.

There is also grants and things like that you can get from the government but even with that you are catering to a specific idea of what art should look like. Essentially you are selling your art the government or at least for them to give you a grant to create art that they think is valid.

But I really question that also because our world is really in quite a state of chaos and suffering which to me does suggest that the major systems in this world and the ideas and directions they are supporting are kind of in question looking at how everything is existing right now.

So this is quite a challenge for artists today and for artists that have lived throughout time, to create truly unique individual expressions.

For me I see this as being a work in progress for myself. And sometimes I wonder if I will ever do this in my lifetime.

It takes courage to try something new, to create something that may not look like ‘art’ but that is a real expression of yourself. This especially being so with the pressures of existing in our current money system where if you don’t have money, you don’t eat.

Sometimes I wonder if people yearn for that real honest individual expression in art and would be willing to pay for that. But then, its like the pressure of money and that FEAR of not having enough money to eat or make more art enters the picture and influences what I do.

So I just do my best to find that balance, ultimately with the end goal being to create a world that allows for that Real Unique Individual Expression to come through and flourish throughout our world not just in Art but in all things and all different expressions.


SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime