Infinite Moments of Patience – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 801

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In my recent blogs I have been opening up the mysteries of “Patience” and looking at what stories I have missed and how I can create myself to be more patient within myself and my life. I ended off my last blog looking at the dimension of “Personal Patience” which I see as where patience is lived within self on a fundamental level of self and isn’t so much related to external points, such as for example being patient when starting new projects or when walking towards ones external life goals.

For myself I have noticed a tendency for me to always be looking at or thinking about “how my life could be better” and also how I could make more money or achieve more external successes where this kind of preoccupation has become a kind of obsession in a way.

Why?

Why am I so driven to achieve these external successes to the degree where I experience a desperation, essentially feeling like I am missing something without them?

So this is why I have here been looking at this word Patience on a more personal level or would like to explore this a bit more. Like how do I walk/live patience each day?

When I am at home, when I am communicating with my partner, or someone else, when I am doing the dishes, reading a book, walking to my car, driving, listening to music. Am I impatient within these tasks as well? How about when I am writing a blog? Am I patient with myself.

Last night I did get a bit flustered at the end of my blog where I felt a bit hasty at the end.

So perhaps this is where I could focus my application of Living and Integrating this word Patience into myself and life more. I can focus my application on my day to day, moment to moment of who I am as this word Patience. And here I can practice walking Patience in ALL moments in my life, not just in the big projects or opportunities that open up. But here I can investigate how to Live Patience from moment to moment, breath by breath, because I can see there is multitudes upon multitudes of moments where ‘Patience’ can be lived. Ultimately the moments seem infinite.

 

Patience:

To Live and Express this word as myself is to ‘take a moment’ and settle down, and breathe, when I see myself becoming anxious. And this is definitely a key indicator of Impatience, when I notice that flare of anxiety flowering up within me. Here I can take a breath and settle Myself back into my Physical Body so that I am settled and calm and GROUNDED in relation to what ever point is causing/creating the anxiousness. And What ever point I am facing/walking in the moment.

So here I do see these 2 experiences, where when Patience is where I am STILL, and Settled and GROUNDED within myself, and centered. And Impatience is where I go into anxiousness or restlessness.

So here I can practice creating and directing myself into and as this Grounded, Settled, Centered, and STILL experience/stance within myself as I walk/live moment to moment.

So I have some DIRECTION with this point and with this experience that initially started off these investigations into patience where I found myself Rushing at work a few days ago wanting to just get everything done already where this rushing and FORCING things actually caused a strain on my Physical body, and so here I am after walking through some dimensions of this point to here where I am moving forwards and remembering in a way to implement and practice Living the word Patience more in my moment to moment life.

Now another WORD that is coming through here that I can explore in blogs to come is related to this word patience and I can see more specifically in relation to just wanting to have all my projects complete and done already and just wanting to know if everything is going to work out or not is the word COMPLETION. Or even the word CONTENT because yes, I am often busy pursing my external and even my internal life goals and within that I can practice living this word PATIENCE, but also to consider how at times I am driven by an experience of lack, of feeling like I need to arrive somewhere or that when I have gained this or that, then I will be satisfied and complete and then I can rest and take my time. So here the points I see is Living Completion and being CONTENT in each moment. So this is something I will explore in blogs to come or perhaps within my own writings I do in my notebook.

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Moving An Inch into a New Pattern – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 796

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Today I was sitting at my desk writing about a point from my day. As I wrote out the details of this point, I noticed that my experience in relation to the point was actually intensifying. A moment then happened where I thought about stopping the writing and just jumping over to entertainment or checking my facebook as a point to just settle down a bit. Here however I observed that if I were to do that, that I wouldn’t actually be resolving anything but rather just distracting myself from my inner experience which I realize and understand is not a Solution and would rather just keep the point cycling around within myself.

So I thought this was a cool moment to write about because it revealed this aspect of myself how I keep myself actually trapped within my mind, within my emotional reactions by distracting and essentially supressing my experience by diverting my attention into media entertainment.

So in this moment I saw this distraction design and so instead I just remained within what I was doing which was writing, and opening up the point and overall, just remaining HERE with and as my experience instead of wanting to and trying to run from it, hide from it, distract myself from it.

Within  listening to the many interviews on the Eqafe website I have encountered this explanation about how energy functions where when you focus on energy it will actually for a moment intensify as one intensifies ones focus upon which was what I was doing tonight as I decided to sit down and write about this point/event that happened during the day and in this exploring and investigating the emotions and energies that was coming up within me in relation to this event.

And so when that energy started intensifying and I started feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, this awareness came up within me of this point of how “energy intensifies if you focus on it” that I have herd explained in different Eqafe Interviews and so I rather decided to remain HERE and continue writing and rather move myself to direct myself and the energy instead of immediately trying to distract myself from it.

Now, things didn’t come to a nice and tidy resolution but I do see how I can continue to support myself this way within my life and process where I essentially learn and develop the ability to face what is going on within me instead of wanting to distract myself from it. And so instead of distracting myself from it, I can Face it and learn more about it  and how it moves within me. Which is the process of me learning about me.

So I thought I would share this small moment from today where I a simply decided to change my usual pattern of distraction and rather allow an experience to be here within me as a point of learning more about it and learning  to direct it and myself into a point of Resolution…or at least give myself the option to do this which I immediately close off when I channel my attention into entertainment when ever I am overwhelmed with a reaction or inner experience.

So it was a small moment, just an inch forward into a New, more supportive pattern/action, but that is better than nothing.

 

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PROGRESSION: Feedback on Living a Word – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 791

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In this blog I thought I would do an update on my progress of Living the word ‘Progression’. So updating my Progress on Progress.

So when I first started opening up this word ‘Progression’ I started with looking at it more externally from the perspective of completing more tasks and projects and just overall being more consistent with moving the projects I have going on.

Then after a day of practicing this, I ended up experiencing some late night anxiety in relation to “not getting everything done” that I wanted to. Although what I see about this is that this experience was also in part to the consequence I created within my own life where I didn’t effectively LIVE this word “Progression” in the past and so all the tasks and projects just started building up. However I did have this late night anxiety experience come up in relation to “not having enough time to do everything, and so I thought “okay I maybe re-defined this word incorrectly” And so from there I more started looking at some internal aspects of how I could go about Living the word ‘Progression’ where I can also include this process of being able to “Let Go” when the evening is over, knowing I did what I could and now time is simply up until the next day.

I have now realized also that my initial Re-Definition of this word “Progression” was valid and still something I can work on which I have been doing.

So I have been practicing Living this word in simply by cutting back on “time wasted” and pushing myself to be more Directive with my Time in actually moving myself to work on the projects and tasks I have to do at the moment instead of allowing myself to linger on the computer in between tasks where that lingering actually turns into an entire event that ends up wasting time.

Another word which came up as I have been walking ‘Progression’ is the word ‘Consistency’ where these 2 make a nice marriage of sorts.

So I have just been focusing on moving myself throughout my day and cutting back on down/linger time. So this initial approach to each day has been a newerish placement for myself where before I began Living this word progression, I didn’t have as much purpose within my day where at the end of the evening I would be more likely to just trail off into the abyss of distraction. So that is one dimension I can note within walking this process of re-defining and living this word progression, that within myself there is a slight-bit-more Purpose within me throughout my day!

I have also been reading and enjoying this book called 10x by entrepreneur Grant Cardone. I came across Grant Cardone a few years back and initially I resisted his approach to things, because he was quite aggressive and ‘over the top’ and I though to myself “this guy is running off of energy and is going to crash” but through the years I would keep checking in on this guy and he is seemingly still functioning on the ‘Level’ of intensity that initially was abrasive to me. And so now as I have followed him through the years, his INTENSITY is actually something that I find intriguing. So I have been enjoying his book and I find reading it makes me want to get off my ass and push myself.

So with reading his book, my aim is to develop my own intensity from the perspective of “Living with Passion” you could say. So yes, reading this book and seeing how another approaches “getting projects done” is another way that I have been assisting myself in developing and Living my own Expression of the word ‘Progression’. Essentially here using the book to ‘learn from others’

Okay so I see that there is still a lot I can explore with this word so that it becomes something that is more A PART OF ME and A Part of WHO I AM.

Going to end tonights blog with a bit of word deconstruction

 

Pro Gression

pRAWgression

program

prog

ression

recession

Russian

Rest

Aggression

Progression

Gress

ProGRASS

Progreshshshshshshshen

Rogue

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REGAIN My Presence – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 787

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So this last week I have been opening up this process of moving out of Consciousness/The Mind, and into and as Self Presence/The Physical Body/My utmost potential.

And my experience within this has been tumultuous. Though this tumultuous experience is not actually new but is in fact a more common or usual experience for me within this process of “Standing Up” and moving myself out of my mind and into myself, into my presence, where I am Here, Directing Myself and My Reality to its/my utmost potential.

Recently there was an emphasis put on this process as something to be more aware of and so I was more than usual focusing on this and focusing on changing my usual pattern of when I am faced with moments where I can either BE HERE and Face the Moment in Self Awareness, Presence and Direct Myself, or to rather just go into the mind, go into feelings, go into distraction, where for me I do tend to still allow myself to stay in the mind or chose the mind rather than stepping up and standing up and taking initiative and Directing and Creating myself and my reality in a way that is more aligned with my utmost potential and more Substantial.

So even with an emphasis and a more deliberate movement to practice my Stand, I found still that my usual pattern remained persistent so to speak. Where I would still sew-saw back and forth in the usual manner instead of Establishing a more Steadfast Stand within learning to Stand, Face, and Direct My Reality and Myself in every moment.

This has to do with all the things that come up in normal day to day living such as household duties, relationship duties, work, business, and career related duties ect.

I have noticed a pattern within me where I will Stand and Face this Reality…..for a while, but then I will “run and hide”.

So for me what I have been practicing is being more Steadfast in my Stand with the intention and ultimate fulfilment of being able to Stand and Direct myself in each moment without the need or desire to distract myself or return back into my mind, into thoughts, into fantasies, into emotions, into experiences, into pictures,  but rather Stand and Face this Real Reality that I live in.

At this point the last couple days I have been utilizing writing to pull myself out of my mind/consciousness and back into reality, back to my Presence, back to Myself. Where the writing becomes a tool to understand why I am allowing the same pattern of “hiding from myself/my reality” to persist, where I will make attempts to change but not fully pulling that change through and so I have for the last couple days specifically been utilizing writing as a tool to strengthen and enhance my Stand so to speak, as well as to GROUND and Stabilize myself and prevent myself from slipping further into the mind/mind experiences where for me I have often allowed myself to just sink into the mind where here what I am practicing is stopping this allowance of instead of just allowing myself to “sink deeper” into the mind once I have already allowed myself to participate in it, to rather support myself through my Writings and Self Movement to REGAIN My Presence and thus again Decide to Stand and Direct myself in Self Awareness. Because I find that when I “FALL” in my stand that I tend to beat myself up and feel shitty and then just feel a form of hopelessness where my Question to myself is that “Can I Pull Myself Out of this experience quicker” rather than just waiting and waiting until the experience kind of just runs its course and then after that I decide to Get back up and start directing myself again.

Its not ideal – meaning, If I would just be standing and HERE and Present at all times then I would not have to bother with the whole process of pulling myself out of experiences, and out of distractions and out of the mind and finding my Stability and Presence again but for me, because there is still a see-saw happening within this process, I am here testing ways to essentially Stabilize that See-Saw, and pull myself out of “mind experiences” quicker than  usual to get myself back to a point of Stability and Self Direction, and so also support myself to spend more Time being Stable then being in the mind, and so integrating more Consistency in my Stand

Okay so that is just some dimensions of the process of learning to change and create myself  I have been walking the past little while.

 

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RUNNING In the Human RACE – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 774

Cycles of Collapse, 9.5x11inch graphite on paper, Andrew Gable

For the last few days I have been directing myself to Breathe, and slow myself down throughout my day. So what I have been doing is paying more attention to the tendency I have to allow myself and my mind to just kind of spiral or get worked into a frenzy through just constantly thinking as well as in my behavior just constantly jumping around from one task to the next, and in this just getting swept away in my mind, in thinking and in the experiences that are generated through thinking and acting impulsively and hastily.

I have come to accept the pace at which I move through life.

Even though I do see that this pace is actually not the pace I would like to Live at.

So during the last few days I have been supporting myself more deliberately to Breathe and Slow myself down, both within and without of myself, and so that experience inside me of feeling the need to rush or to be doing something has been more pronounced because I have been deliberately slowing myself down despite the internal dialogue such as the backchat statements

‘Its going to be too late’

‘Things are going to fall apart’

‘You have to be productive’

‘You are lazy’

‘This is terrible, you really have to get going’

As well as the urges and surges of energy all compelling me to move myself to just do something.

Now this doesn’t mean I have been nothing. It just means that I have been more selective about what I am doing making sure I am not acting impulsively or basing my actions and movements on the anxiety experience that drives me for a good portion of my week and that has been driving me for some time now in my life that I just haven’t been able to release and change about myself.

For me I have noticed that throughout my life that I have only ever managed to “slow down” for short periods of time where before long I am back to my normal pace of things which I see is more connected to and driven by anxiety, fear, restlessness and other experiences like this.

The main approach of this application that I have been walking of “slowing myself down” is consisting of firstly “Breathing”. Breathing is that reference point of where I want to be, which is ‘in the physical’ where part of my approach to slowing down, has been to focus ‘HERE’, on my physical body and to spend less time in my mind which is the location where I see I end up perpetuating and playing out my ‘rushed experience’.

An early memory that comes up where I experienced a rush of anxiety that I can relate to my experience now in my life of feeling anxious and restless and essentially rushed, is when I was around 12 years old. I remember seeing these drawings that this kid who was in a grade lower than me had done. I remember immediately thinking “those are better than mine” and in the same breath experiencing a FEAR and Anxiety pierce through me thinking that “I was a year behind” that I had to now somehow make up a year to catch up with this kid.

What I see now is that I had already defined myself a lot in relation to my art at that age, and so I felt that without having art as being something that “I was the best at” that I had nothing. So in a sense I experienced myself as not good enough because my art was not as good as his and I was struck with Anxiety and Fear which Drove me to be better instead of realizing the Equality of Life and that each Individual has something unique to them to offer and its not about being better than others, because everyone is Equally Worthy of Life. In my eyes, I felt I had nothing. I felt I had to stand out from the crowd, that just being like everyone else was a bad thing, was not good enough. Interesting that all this was already happening within me by age 12 or 13.

Its interesting how our world is set up in a way to enforce competition and everywhere you look there is divisions and categories of humans which starts even in school as every child is given a number according to how good they are doing in school where then each child is defined by this number instead of there being a focus and development on bringing through each individual Childs unique potential, done so from a foundation and understanding of Equality.

So when I look at the sort of anxiety I experience within my life today, that experience I had in that early memory has a similar signature. Of course today I am much older and I can see how along the way I may have attached and connected all sorts of other drives and motivations that fuels that experience within me throughout my day where I am just constantly feeling the need to Go Go Go. I can also understand how this may have developed initially from an experience of feeling like I am nothing, and unworthy, and not recognizing my own equally unique Value as Life.

Another dimension of this ‘Anxiety-Drive’ is Fear of Running Out of Money. So part of this process I see I must walk with Slowing myself down within myself and Living and Becoming the word ‘Calm’ and ‘Relaxed’ and ‘Stable’, is sorting out the delusions within myself with regards to this Fear of Running out of Money. What’s funny about this fear is that the word RUNNING is actually in the fear statement, which is really how I experience myself through the week where its like I feel like I am Running and Running and then I get home and crash or get to the weekend and crash. So I personally would like to change this entire playout because I realize it is not supporting me and I realize that it probably isn’t the best way for me to Direct myself, where a part of me wonders if I would be more effective if I just slowed down, instead of conjuring up all sorts of movements and actions from the starting point of worry, fear, and concern.

The main point here is that I would like to make a change in this regard with myself, and essentially shift myself out of the behaviors and mind patterns that’s all about rushing, and excitement and in a way either feeding or trying to supress this anxiety experience within me. And to rather than just supress that, to actually work with it through this process of Breathing in awareness and focusing my attention onto my physical body and physical presence throughout the day and find ways to support myself to GROUND Myself in my Self Presence instead of accepting and allowing this to be hijacked by Anxiety, restlessness, boredom, Fear, and other experiences like this which I see are contributing to my overall experience of feeling like I am constantly in a rush, jumping from one thing to the next, to the next, to the next without ever stopping and Being Here, and just Breathing and being Stable and Content within myself.

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
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Change of Plans – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 770

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Today I was heading home and my car started to break down and I had to turn around and change my plans. Initially I was set on going home as I have been away for the week and I had scheduled myself to get back home and get back to my normal routine.

At first there was some denial within me, telling myself that “I will make it” and just wanting to power through and just hope for the best which is somewhat characteristic of how I do things sometimes where I will rather just do it and hope I make it, instead of making sure I make it, and then removing that hope point out of the equation.

Eventually I decided that the best thing is to postpone my departure and get my car fixed. It was really the obvious thing to do, though at first I resisted it and didn’t want to change my plans.

Yesterday I was writing about the point of “Stillness” and how that was a word I wanted to bring back with me when I went home. Interestingly, today that word was no where to be found. I had pretty much just let the word slip out of my awareness completely until this evening.

Although another point that I was writing about yesterday came through a bit stronger today and that was the point of how I can use writing to stabilized myself. Essentially, being ‘Still” is also a kind of stability, and practically speaking, writing is a way I can root myself into the ground to support that stability and stillness of Self.

I was looking at this yesterday because I have noticed that I have become more uprooted recently and this has coincided with overall less Consistent Self-Writing in my life. Particularly here in my blog.

So getting back to earlier today…

After I made the decision to change my plans and stay a few more days, I felt quite relaxed, relieved and actually satisfied. It also does give me a window of time where I can relax some more which is definitely something I am embracing. Its funny, because if I even look at how I structured my vacation, it really was for a small period of time, which wasn’t actually enough to really step out of my routine where with the few added days now, It does give me a window where I can just support myself to regroup and calm down a bit and potentially just slow myself down. I say potentially, because its not a given. I find it is directly related to me and the decisions I make not just in my outside reality, but also particularly in my inside reality, where my inner stability is based on what I accept and allow myself to participate in within myself, what thoughts, emotions, patterns, ect. So I have a small window now here where I am presented with an opportunity to support myself but that I will still in fact have to do this for myself.

In terms of the car. I am getting my clutch replaced….lol…..The problem was I really had to step on the gas and the engine would get really loud but the car would hardly move. Sometimes it feels like that in reality where I feel like I am busy busy all day long but things just seem to move soooo slowly. So what is the Key to Self Change or actually Creating Change in ones World for Real? The word that is jumping out at me as I ask that question is the word CONSISTENCY. That is the second time this word has come up in this blog so perhaps I will dedicate some more writing time to this word specifically in my next blogs.

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
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Where Did My FLOW Go – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 763

dry-delta

 

A few days ago I wrote a blog post about the word “Flow”

A primary experience or point that has been coming up a lot in my life at the moment is feeling like things are just stuck and not moving or flowing. This point has been showing in different ways, but perhaps the most prominent area of my life where I was seeing/noticing it is in relation to money.

I can see that within my life I have formed an interesting relationship with money where in many ways it became a facilitator of my experience in a way where I was actually placing it as God of my experience because I had given it power and authority to determine my experience and well-being where I haven’t really been the Source of my own experience and expression but had rather made myself here very conditional to money.

I have been aware of this for some time, but what’s interesting is that I haven’t yet actually changed the relationship. I have only insisted that I change it, but what my Reality is showing me recently is that I haven’t in fact changed this relationship and re-created it…recreated myself in a way that is more aligned with being SELF Directive, SELF Empowered and SELF Creating. Where SELF is the starting point.

Over the last 3 years I have observed myself and my experience and how it existed as a buoy rising and sinking on the tide of money flowing in and out. So as the tide of money swells, so would my experience and I would have a very specific experience, feeling good with everything, empowered, strong, confident, I would feel like I have flexibility, and things are good, and I could breathe, and relax, and enjoy myself. Though if that tide was out, and money was low, I would feel, restricted, stressed, angry, grumpy, depressed, lost, trapped, desperate, inferior, weak.

And I have been telling myself that I must change this relationship. That I must take back my power in relation to who I am and how I experience and express myself in my life and that this should not be dependent on how much money I have. But I justified why I remained chained to this relationship. I justified why It would affect me. One reason being that “money is just one of this things” “Money is a ‘BIG’ point” so its not like you can just change that relationship overnight. This may be true, but I am noticing that it has been many nights, many weeks, months and even years, and I am still existing in this relationship of dependency with money where I have given it permission to affect and influence not only my experience but also my behavior.

Now bringing the point back to FLOW.

Like I said, I have been experiencing a lack of FLOW in my life. And I have been experiencing this in many ways in relation to money. And then recently I had another unexpected expense come up and man its like I was hit with a tonne of bricks, thus indicating just how much I am still joined at the hip to money, giving it total authority and power to control, direct, and influence me.

So I am here writing this blog as a Step in taking back my power here, and so thus no more continuing to accept and allow this toxic relationship that I have formed with money, where I have basically given it the keys to me, to direct and control me at every level where I am just a slave, and have no directive principle over my experience and behavior but that this is always ultimately determined by how much money I have.

So lets look at FLOW.

I have been noticing that as my money goes out, my self movement starts to slow down. I am less expressive, and also at times get to points where I start closing up, feeling restricted, and depressed, heavy, stressed, and waiting for money to flow back in so that I can feel empowered again and start expressing and moving myself.

So essentially as the money flows out, I stop moving myself. I stop moving and flowing in my own life.

The SOLUTION Here is to, as I have mentioned, to disconnect this relationship I have formed with money and so thus Take Back my SELF RESPONSIBILITY for myself and my experience and Behavior where this does not change according how little or how much money I have and this is definitely an important aspect as well; That its not just about changing your experience when money is low. It’s also about making sure that if for example you have a lot of money coming in, that again here, nothing changes about your experience and behavior.

So the Solution will consist of a few different points.

-Writing about the point to develop more awareness around it and the dimensions within it

-Writing and or Speaking Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment Statements.

-Self Change in a moment, where I move myself into the new behavior and out of the old

-Re-Defining and so then Exploring and Practicing the Living of the word FLOW in a context of where I can Live this daily where it is NOT dependent on Money but rather an expression of Myself.

Okay so what is Practical FLOW.

I was looking at this point again today as I was stuck in this experience of…..well, being stuck. And I was seeing this aspect of the word FLOW how I can LIVE this word FLOW practically, and that it isn’t determined by for instance how much money I have, which I have accepted and allowed to determine the flow of my life and my experience and behavior.

I see that Flow can be lived practically like for instance making sure the normal tasks of your life are flowing nicely. For me I noticed that in having connected my experience to money, and so also my expression of ‘flow’ to money,  that I wasn’t LIVING Flow naturally breath by breath, directing myself and my reality as a Self Expression, consistent and the same no matter what. I see It can be as simple as doing the dishes. That is a point of Practical FLOW in my reality, instead of allowing a build-up to take place because for instance being too depressed to want to do the dishes.

Or even with my artwork. I can see here I can support myself Practically to FLOW here simply by continuing to direct and move this point as well. So today I was seeing this dimension of PRACTICAL FLOW as the flow and movement of my physical reality where I can assist and support myself to focus on this practical flow as I support myself to correct my relationship to money, no more accepting and allowing this to influence my expression, my experience, my behavior, my FLOW.

In my next blog, I will focus more on this point and open it up further through the process of Self Forgiveness and Self Corrections.