A More Engaging REST – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 812

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In my last blog, I began looking into the words ‘Rest’ and ‘Relaxation’ and seeing how for me I had accepted a definition of these words that isn’t as supportive as it could be where I often find myself trying to rest by doing as little as possible, which I actually find more just ends up with me going into experiences of laziness, apathy, idleness and even depression, So in seeing this, I realized for myself that I can Re-define the word ‘Rest’ for myself so that it is more supportive and in this I see how ‘Resting’ doesn’t have to mean ‘doing as little as possible’ at all.

So essentially I see here that within my new definition and application of the word ‘Rest’ that I would like this application to be more engaging and active.

So today as I was out and about on my Sunday, I allowed myself to ‘be out’ and simply saw this as part of my process of ‘resting’ which I saw more as an opportunity to simply change my focus away from work for instance which I focus on all week, and turn my attention to something else.

So today I actually went on a small hike and so approached this whole event as a point of ‘Rest’, essentially taking my mind and myself out of my normal routine and doing something different.

So this is essentially in line how I am going to explore re-defining and living the word Rest for myself when I am off of work, and see how my overall physical and mental experience is. Where ‘Rest’ is no more ‘doing as little as possible’ which then becomes a kind of polar opposite to work, but rather I would like to explore living the word ‘Rest’ more within an engaging context where I am more active, participatory and engaged. I can see that already just in letting go of the pre-conceived idea I had accepted within myself about what the word ‘Rest’ meant, that I was able to enjoy my experience more today instead constantly thinking to myself that “I have to get home and rest” or that “this is not restful” because to me I had accepted ‘rest’ to be where ‘I did very little’. So yes, overall going to begin testing out this New Way of Resting where its doesn’t mean ‘doing as little as possible’ but where it is rather something more engaging, active, and supportive for me physically and mentally.

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Determining My Outcomes Through Daily Living – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 806

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Today is the beginning of the work week for me. I felt a bit depressed this morning when I woke up. The experience seemed to be ‘out of  nowhere’ though last night I was discussing a few points with my partner about some stress that I was experiencing in relation some aspects of the responsibilities associated with work. So this morning as I got ready to go to work, I related this seemingly out-of-nowhere experience of depression to these work related points I was discussing the night before.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed with stress in relation to directing and walking the obligations and responsibilities in relation to my career.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still feel the need and desire to control my reality and force it to move the way that I want it to when working with other people, expecting other people to move how I want them to because its convenient for me where I am not considering that people are entire universes unto themselves where their lives are vast and comprised of various relationships and so I cannot expect them to move according to my wishes and desires just because it would suit me best, and so here I commit myself to remember to consider that People are complex and have much going on within themselves and within their lives and to within this, be more patient and understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my life not working or my business failing where this fear drives me to try to control people and push things to move how I desire to have them move, where I become much less flexible and flowing, And so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try an achieve success from a starting point of Fear of Failure. And so here I commit myself to walk and live the word Patience where within living the word Patience I stop accepting and allowing myself to exist within my default setting of “expecting to fail” and so thus I commit myself to stop expecting to fail and then having a fear emerge of fearing to fail which then drives me into control and desire, as well as being more rigid and inflexible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider that I could potentially still achieve success or desired outcomes through being more easy going, patient, and flexible. Wouldn’t that be awesome considering this is often how I find things move in physical reality where things move slowly as there is multiple points coming  together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider that perhaps success can be achieved through living  and walking the word Patience where I allow things to take time and not go into that point of trying to control or force them, and while I wait, I can give my time and attention to projects and tasks that are HERE and that I can DIRECT , Here and Now in the moment instead of feeling stuck like I am waiting for things to move so I can move.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing the word success, and so thus fear the word success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear even mentioning the word success, because to me I have accepted that this will only mean failure. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear Failure where I see it as a bad thing, and so creating ‘failure’ to be this ‘big thing’ and something to fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to function within my life based on a pre-programmed setting of an expectations of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that failure is permanent and so fear failing because I perceive this as the end, instead of considering that I can simply continue on and continue testing new ways and solutions, and that failure is not this big thing that I have to fear constantly day in an day out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that failure is forever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that failure means the end of the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in constant fear of a massive failure taking place, where its like I am constantly in fear of everything just collapsing in a major way. (What a tiring way to live, phew)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing opportunities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others and different opportunities as the determinants of my success or failure instead of realizing  that I am responsible for the outcome of myself and my life meaning, that if the success or failure of my business is based on luck or what other people do or don’t do, then its bound to fail anyways. Rather I commit myself to remember and to stand within the starting point that I determine the different OUTCOMES of my business,  meaning where I commit myself to become the SOURCE of my ability to grow, expand, develop myself and my business where this is based on MY actions and what I do or do not do, and so within this GROUND my approach to walking my current path with life and business where I LIVE SUCCESS, not through ‘where I end up’ but through Who I am and How I am LIVING and DIRECTING MYSELF Daily, and to simply walk day by day, pushing and directing myself to Live to my utmost potential where this becomes the foundation of my Living and my Self and Business Development.

I commit myself to take the attention that I have placed ‘out there’ onto what others are doing and how that affects my me, my life and business, and bring this attention back to ME, and to focus on what I am doing and what I can do and live daily to assist and support myself to LIVE MY UTMOST POTENTIAL every day, and so support myself to Give myself back my Self Directive Principle and Responsibility through by focusing on Who I am and What I can do daily to live to my utmost potential and expand, develop, refine, push, express, support myself and what I am doing within my life.

 

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Reaching a Boiling Point and Lashing Out – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 804

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Today my partner and I had a ‘cleaning  day’ where we spent about 6 hours doing a deep clean of our apartment. It was something that was definitely ready to be done and now after its done I am quite grateful for the clean space, however I  have noticed today  throughout the day that I was easily becoming irritated with my partner, who for the most part seemed her normal self.

I could tell that within myself that there was something going on, meaning where I already felt a bit ‘low’ and kind of already in an experience of frustration that was taking place within me since I got up and so I saw how this presence that I was already in started coming up during the cleaning process with my partner where I began reacting in irritation towards her.

I also noticed this irritation experience coming up yesterday also, and so see this point as entirely Self Created where this experience was already coming out in relation to just the basic tasks and activities I was participating in within my day where I would just get so frustrated and impatient and angry at what ever it was I was doing. So this ‘high-strung’ experience was definitely obvious and prominent within myself.

Despite knowing that I was already experiencing this point within me, I still tended to allow myself to blame my irritation on things my partner would do or say today, even though I had already noticed this experience within me the day before where I was reacting to the smallest of things.

So I see the point for me to practice here is to in fact Stop accepting and allowing myself to take experiences that I have clearly identified and understood as originating within myself and stop allowing myself to blame my partner for this, because this is what I essentially did.

It was like, I saw the experience within me, and already noticed my tendency to react quickly in irritation to whatever it was I was doing, so I knew my partner had nothing to do with it and so also here within me was an awareness to not allow myself to react to my partner and yet, what did I do? I reacted to my partner and  allowed this point of blame to step forth within me and to let out my experience as a reaction unto my partner when what I should have really been allowing to step forth is my point of Self Responsibility, taking Responsibility for myself and supporting myself to release this experience through directive means, instead of allowing those moments where I just went ahead and blamed my partner.

It was  interesting because I felt a bit powerless, and hopeless, and helpless in relation to this experience, like it was so prominent that “I couldn’t help myself” and at times I just allowed the irritation to boil over and come out in my words and tonality instead of finding ways to release it on my own through breathing, and stabilizing myself and NOT allowing myself to VENT my reactions but rather to pause in those moments, Breathe, and release that irritation energy on my own, or even to have addressed it more directly when I noticed it the day before, instead of just allowing it to percolate.

So this is something I can work on moving forwards where I can practice Directing Myself to release my experience without VENTING or Reacting in how I act or speak towards others where the energy experience I experience within me comes out as reactive words or behaviors. So this is something here for me to work on and to Rather than live the word VENTING and Reacting and  essentially giving up on my ability to direct myself, and can practice living such words as Self Direction, Self Responsibility, Stabilizing, and Persistence in where I stand persistent in my application of not allowing myself to vent my experience every time it comes up instead of stopping once or twice and then allowing myself to vent after that, so here I can practice Stepping Up and releasing the experiences that I have created within myself without allowing them to end up in reactions that have consequences not only on my own life but others lives as well. So yes, a Key here I see I can apply for myself is PERSISTENCE as being  Persistent  and Consistent in DIRECTING myself and my experience each and every time it comes up, remembering to in that moment of where I want to react, to stop, and just breath and stabilize myself and not allow a reaction or energy to DIRECT me.

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Living PATIENCE on a Personal Level – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 800

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In my previous two blogs I have noticed the word/point of ‘Patience’ being an underlying theme, and so I am going to take a moment here to redefine and specify this word for myself so as to support myself to become more effective, stable, and consistent within Living this word until it becomes a natural expression and part of myself that is naturally who I am because at the moment I am still more existing in impatience when facing certain points/situations in my life.

I spoke in my previous blog about a new opportunity that opened up and how I was just at the beginning stages of this point and still have a long road ahead to cultivate and shape this point into the potentials possible within it. And I have noticed that I experience this drive to just get things moving and I feel like I am ‘trying to make up for lost time’ or ‘am behind’ or ‘Cannot Move Fast Enough’. That is a key point there of feeling like “I can’t move fast enough” and that things just move so slow, yet, I do have the awareness within me that there is no way around it and I see this point of “what would it be like if I was just more Patient?” like, is it possible to be Content with myself, and my life during this ‘building up’ process.

With anything you build or create, it takes TIME.

Now as I am writing about this, I am seeing this point that actually came up a few days ago as well when I was opening this stuff up. It is a Fear of things not working out, where I have this program of expecting the worst or expecting things to not work out and so I just want to have everything finished already so ‘I know what happens’. Its like I can’t stand Not Knowing. And I see that this not being able to stand not knowing is connected with an expectation of things not working out and an expectation or idea of things just turning out as they normally do where there is really nothing new and surely nothing BIG will happen. And so here within fearing or expecting things to not work out, I become anxious, and I become impatient because I just want to get everything done and in place and then have things work out so I can show myself that things DO work out. But overall, this idea/expectation of ‘things never working out’ I can see is influencing me where I become anxious and impatient and just desperate to know how things will work out.

Its kind of like that whole point of Job Security where people like having job security so that they know they will have money flowing in and that they can pay their bills and plan their lives within the system because there is a expectation of how things will go.

And to a certain degree I can see how this impatience and anxiousness I experience in relation to not knowing if or how this new opportunity will work out is in fact here also connected to MONEY and so Life in the World/Money System where essentially ones very survival is connected to money.

We live in a system of uncertainty. So how does one create certainty in such an environment?

For me in opening up this point for myself.

I can see what I can work with is that expectation I have that “things never or won’t work out”

And then secondly also looking at the whole relationship to money and how that is actually influencing here where I become more ‘desperate’ so to speak to want and desire things to work out where there is an underlying unbearableness in ‘not knowing’ and additionally thinking that there is a good chance things won’t work out.

Okay so I can see a few more points here to open up for myself and explore in relation to this point of assisting and supporting myself in Living the word ‘Patience’ as opposed to living in Impatience and Anxiousness in relation to the flow of my life.

Because obviously there is a link here to my childhood, teenage, and even in my 20’s where I imprinted many ideas around money based on how my life went.

And then importantly also, Id like to open up more the point of how ‘Money isn’t everything’ and how I have accepted and allowed myself to get side tacked by thinking/believing that if I succeed in a monetary way then ‘everything will be okay’ and in this forgetting about the most important relationship point which is the relationship I have with and as MYSELF and WHO I AM within myself. So here I see that at times I tend to focus to much on the monetary/external successes and failures and actually forget to pay attention, and develop ME on a personal internal level so that my INNER Self is being developed and is growing and strengthening and actually Developing my INNER SELF into someone of Substance. I mean this SELF DEVELOPMENT Point I see as absolutely crucial and actually the Main Point where I always START WITH SELF and so here I wonder… if am developing my SELF Relationship effectively, would I worry so much about these business opportunities working out or not where there is like a kind of fixation on these points where perhaps if I was more HERE and more Substantiated in my Self Relationship, perhaps there wouldn’t be such a  point of desperation and anxiety in relation to my external world points, like business and monetary ventures.

So then what does Patience mean on a very personal self level and living this word on a personal self level?

How does one Live and Exist in such a way that they are Stable within themselves on a personal level to the degree where it actually doesn’t matter if these external goals turn out or not but either way and throughout the process of their endeavors they are simply Calm, and have the utmost personal Stability.

Okay will end here for tonight.

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Consequence of Forcing My Pace – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 799

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So for the past week I have been noticing my shoulder being sore and tense and doing a bit of grinding when I move it in a particular way. My job can be quite physically demanding at time and no doubt puts stress on that shoulder on account of the ‘grinding’ I do each day where I am literally grinding away stone in creating stone sculptures. Its interesting how Art is often seen as a finished product and what is not seen is the actual process of creating it where in this case in creating stone sculptures, it is quite a physically demanding task and if one is not careful, they could end up causing damage to their physical body. Art easily becomes romanticized and the reality of it sometimes is not considered.

So this shoulder point can also serve as a reminder for me to not FORCE myself while I am at work, but rather to focus on carving/moving in a natural way.

I sometimes will end up forcing myself to try and move faster at work, and also in my life overall. And then what ends up happening is you end up injuring yourself. Well, not necessarily every time but in my case, I can see how my “pace” this last month with creating stone carvings was a bit more ‘driven’ then usual, which I see may have contributed to the soreness/injury. Where there was a kind of anxiety within me of feeling like I needed to get everything done quickly.

I find one reason I go into this Forcing Pace is because of FEAR. Where I am trying to make up for lost time or often where I am driven by a Fear of Running out of money, which I see is a point that I have faced on many occasions these past 4 years since the point of creating an art business began to take shape and become a reality.

Recently a new opportunity opened up where I suddenly experience more of a pressure to ‘create more art faster’. So this is also another dimension of this point where I go to quickly and start forcing myself within my expression and application. This dimension is the dimension of impatience, where, its like I have a few projects on my plate and I just want to get them all done asap where there is a kind of anxiety around the process of completing the work. And so in this case with the new opportunity I can see an eagerness to get the art done that is requested, yet here also I do see FEAR, a fear of the opportunity not working out and so I just want to get everything done as quick as I can as a point of Trying to make sure everything works out but doing this out of impatience and fear that “things just won’t turn out”

So my Shoulder is now forcing me to slow down and to be patient – Lol which is funny because now I am my own Patient, supporting myself in the healing process of this shoulder injury.

Here’s an interesting question. What happens if I just Slow Down, and stop rushing and just sloooow myself right down in my Self Creation and Business Creation Process? Would things fall apart? Would I run out of money? Or would things remain Stable?

So here this blog is a point of bringing into my awareness this tendency I have to allow myself to be driven by anxiety, and the consequences that this can have on my life and my physical body also.

And so to assist and support myself to breathe and let that anxiety go if I see it coming up, and to practice moving and directing myself at a Natural Supportive Pace, knowing and understanding that eventually things will get done through consistent application. And establishing this point of moving at a natural pace within my Business and Life and Self Creation Process.

 

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Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
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Moving An Inch into a New Pattern – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 796

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Today I was sitting at my desk writing about a point from my day. As I wrote out the details of this point, I noticed that my experience in relation to the point was actually intensifying. A moment then happened where I thought about stopping the writing and just jumping over to entertainment or checking my facebook as a point to just settle down a bit. Here however I observed that if I were to do that, that I wouldn’t actually be resolving anything but rather just distracting myself from my inner experience which I realize and understand is not a Solution and would rather just keep the point cycling around within myself.

So I thought this was a cool moment to write about because it revealed this aspect of myself how I keep myself actually trapped within my mind, within my emotional reactions by distracting and essentially supressing my experience by diverting my attention into media entertainment.

So in this moment I saw this distraction design and so instead I just remained within what I was doing which was writing, and opening up the point and overall, just remaining HERE with and as my experience instead of wanting to and trying to run from it, hide from it, distract myself from it.

Within  listening to the many interviews on the Eqafe website I have encountered this explanation about how energy functions where when you focus on energy it will actually for a moment intensify as one intensifies ones focus upon which was what I was doing tonight as I decided to sit down and write about this point/event that happened during the day and in this exploring and investigating the emotions and energies that was coming up within me in relation to this event.

And so when that energy started intensifying and I started feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, this awareness came up within me of this point of how “energy intensifies if you focus on it” that I have herd explained in different Eqafe Interviews and so I rather decided to remain HERE and continue writing and rather move myself to direct myself and the energy instead of immediately trying to distract myself from it.

Now, things didn’t come to a nice and tidy resolution but I do see how I can continue to support myself this way within my life and process where I essentially learn and develop the ability to face what is going on within me instead of wanting to distract myself from it. And so instead of distracting myself from it, I can Face it and learn more about it  and how it moves within me. Which is the process of me learning about me.

So I thought I would share this small moment from today where I a simply decided to change my usual pattern of distraction and rather allow an experience to be here within me as a point of learning more about it and learning  to direct it and myself into a point of Resolution…or at least give myself the option to do this which I immediately close off when I channel my attention into entertainment when ever I am overwhelmed with a reaction or inner experience.

So it was a small moment, just an inch forward into a New, more supportive pattern/action, but that is better than nothing.

 

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Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential

How To Stop Throwing My Stuff in a Pile – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 795

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Orderly : Neatly and Methodically Arranged

Tonight I asked my partner to in a moment come up with a word that she sees as something that I would benefit from if I were to live and integrate such a word into my life. After some negotiating for her participation she arrived at the word ‘ORDERLY’.

I actually wish I was more orderly. More “neatly and methodically arranged” which I have been working on somewhat lately but it is something that is definitely not at the top of my awareness.

In fact I would more describe myself as

Messy

Hectic

Sporadic

Inconsistent

Disorganized

Fly by the seat of my pants

So I am going to continue in this blog with some Self Forgiveness to further open up this relationship I have to the word Orderly/Disorderly

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘orderly’ as ‘just not my style’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go through bouts of orderliness but then always fall back into disorderliness where I just can’t seem to “stay on top of things” and process my tasks and my life to keep things orderly and maintained and methodically arranged.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at my desk and think “what a mess” and within speaking this statement experience a form of helplessness within myself where I “wonder how things got this way” where I can no longer keep my desk and working spaces orderly and methodically arranged and in this feel disempowered to be able to do anything about it.

I forgive myself  for accepting and allowing myself to focus my orderliness onto only a few points in my life like in my artwork but not extend that orderliness to anything outside of that artwork.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I simply cannot be orderly that “its just not me” despite a point within me where I would like to be this way and understand how this would benefit me in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to often feel so “behind the eight ball” that I just can’t catch up to my life and so just feel rushed and within this never take the time to establish systems as expressions of myself to support myself to be more organized and orderly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to often experience anxiousness in relation to my life where I feel like things are moving to fast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to put the time in to order myself and my life where I see that this for instance doesn’t even mean I have to put in a lot of time but where I rather take that extra moment or moments through my day to properly direct points into orderliness instead of for instance just getting home throwing everything in a pile and then “doing what I want to do”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to often experience an annoyance towards Directing myself to be more orderly and organized.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the decision to exist within anxiousness where I will just arrive home and throw my things in a heap because I just want to get to relaxing instead of directing myself and my life into orderliness which I see would have a more beneficial consequence on myself and my life. So here I see I would actually have to Create a NEW Habit in my Life and so to do this Let go of an old habit which means transferring time out of an old habit into the new habit of Living the Word Orderly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not LIVE Orderliness within myself. Something that I have actually wanted to create and express in my life but have accepted and allowed myself to live by emotions and desires to “just relax” instead of Directing Myself in Principle to Create my life into its utmost potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Live in Anxiousness and allow this anxiousness to direct me to just rush through my day to day living instead of directing myself to create more orderliness in myself and life through slowing myself down and doing what I know is actually best for me which is to spend that extra time creating more orderliness in my life which I see I can do by taking points in my life “A little further” where its not even a matter of doing a lot more but just taking that extra bit of time which I refuse to give to myself, to do something that would be beneficial for me and within this actually creating a new behavior and pattern of Support to replace my pattern of hoarding any ounce of time I have for “What I want to do” or to just indulge in mind/old patterns that are of no benefit of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist creating orderliness within my life because that means I will have to give up “spare time” and basically instead of just wasting that time, actually utilize myself as that time and put it/myself to good use.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to see, realize, and understand that those “spare moments” that I am trying to save by just dumping all my stuff in a pile instead of organizing and directing it, is time that I am actually just wanting to use to support me to remain in limitations and preprogramming as my preprogrammed comfort zones that I have created for myself which take absolutely Zero Effort to exist within and so instead of me Moving and Creating myself and my life in each moment and in this case Create Myself as and LIVE something that I actually see would be cool to live such as ORDERLY,  I rather forgo self creation for self indulgence where id rather use that time for ‘relaxing’, and so here I commit myself to assist and support myself to introduce a new life pattern and expression within and as Living the word ORDERLY which I can begin doing in these moments that I have identified here in this blog where I see that all I would have to do is take a bit of extra time or time out of self indulgence or old habits which do not support me where I am really not being productive anyways and shift this time into Living and Developing this new habit Skill and Expression of Orderliness.

 

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
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SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential