Using Self Forgiveness to See and Understand Me – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 820

1483131536419071

Today when I woke up I experienced a resistance to getting out of bed mixed with a depression energy. I decided that I would speak some Self Forgiveness on my drive to work and see if I could open up within me what this experience was all about as it has become something of a familiar experience recently in the mornings, particularly when I work.

Initially when I started speaking Self Forgiveness I wasn’t really seeing anything specific and the Self Forgiveness seemed routine and the same ol’ points. However I decided to continue speaking the self forgiveness and after a few minutes I started hitting on points that were more specific and I began seeing and understanding my experience, or at least understanding the point that I was seeing in that moment about my relationship to my own inner experiences and my relationship to my work.

One of the main dimensions that I was seeing within me in relation to my work was that I was stuck in a kind of perpetual blame cycle towards my job where I had at some point decided that “it was my jobs fault” that “its my job that is causing and creating my experience”, “it was my jobs fault that my life is the way it is”

So within the Self Forgiveness I came to understand that I was making my job “more than” me, blaming my job for my current experience and so me not Standing as THEE point within myself as the Source of who I am and my experiences, rather I was in a point of allowing myself to say that it was my job that was the main thing, that “I” was doing everything right and nothing wrong and  that it was my job that was causing and creating my experience, and if my job would just change or be different, then I could go back to an experience that I would prefer, in other words, I was effectively disempowering myself.

So yes, totally giving my power and my responsibility away to this external point within my reality. So the speaking of Self Forgiveness really supported me to see what I have been accepting and allowing of myself in relation to this aspect of my job and I also saw that, how could I reap the fruits that I desire or want from my job if I am constantly blaming and judging and angry towards my job?

That is like having a child and wanting to have a deep, fun, and enjoyable relationship with the child but then raising that child through blaming it, judging it, criticizing it, being angry at it, ect… eventually you are going to create a resentment within the child towards you so in essence,

How can I create the success I am wanting with my job if I am in direct conflict with the very thing I am wanting to support this end. It’s a contradiction. So this was an interesting dynamic to see in the my relationship with my job and realizing here that It’s up to ME to establish a more effective supportive relationship with this particular part of my job that I was in conflict with, beginning with stopping that relationship where I was giving all my power away through blame, by saying “its your fault” so rather, now accepting, and realizing, I am the ONE, I am the SOURCE of my experience and I am the SOURCE of the relationship I create towards, with, as my job and so I must start working with my experience, like that experience I have of resistance and depression in the mornings that I seem to wake up with where for instance if I see this experience coming up again, I know that its connected to and based on the points of blame and abdication of my Self Responsibility in relation to my job and so can support myself to change this through for example, speaking some self forgiveness  and correct myself in those moments and Direct Myself to Stand as the  SOLE Creator of experience and so 100% responsible for them and my relationships that exist as me within my life.

So now going forwards after seeing this today, I am now going to practice identifying that ‘blame signature’ of this particular experience that has been coming through lately so that I can make sure to ALIGN myself according to Supporting myself and Standing as SELF RESPONSIBLE for Myself and my Experience and my Relationship to my Job so that  I can stop and change this experience and see how I can support myself to change my relationship to/within my job so that it is Supportive!

 

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential

Advertisements

The Force of Fear – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 814

anatomical-studies-of-the-shoulder

Last week I ended up leaving work early after noticing some pain and discomfort in my shoulder. I decided I would take the rest of the week off, and the weekend as I usually do and be ready for work again on Monday. By Sunday it was clear that the injury I sustained would require more time for healing. I set a new goal to be back to work mid-week and now today marks the mid-week and once again I am met with the reality of the situation, that more time is required.

So this has been an interesting experience/process because suddenly and unexpectedly I am unable to do the job and purpose I have given myself and have been focusing on for the past 4 years.

The first couple days I resisted facing myself, meaning I resisted facing myself in those moments where I would have to direct myself where normally I would be at work giving all my attention and energy to that where suddenly I have been forced into a different reality where what I have been focusing on day in and day out for the past few years is not an option, and so I now I have to figure out something else to do with myself and my time.

In a way this is actually quite cool because I haven’t really had a moment to do this in quite some time because I kind of created a routine that I have been living out and so not really needing to create my day in any other way than the usual routine.

I had been trying to work through the pain for a while until finally I pushed it too far and ended up hurting myself.

This brought up some considerations for me regarding how I wasn’t really directing myself supportively and so I have been looking at what experiences lead up to the injury and how I can adjust and realign my approach to my job so that I am doing it in a more supportive and sustainable way instead of just soldiering through with my head down, insisting that, I have no other choice, then suddenly my body physically gives out.

One driving force in this reality that I see I have definitely allowed to influence me in my life which contributed to this injury is the force of FEAR. And specifically Fear in relation to survival which is connected with Money and so one drives oneself to make money getting so caught up in that FEAR of Survival that in my case I pushed my physical body in such a way where it gave out.

So definitely some introspection necessary here to sort this accepted Fear of Survival taking such a hold on my expression and drive and direction in life to the point where I needed a physical reminder as a body injury to SNAP ME OUT OF IT or at least put in a position where I stop for a moment and look at how I have been living.

Actually in all honesty, I am also relieved. Relieved to be able to have a moment to not think about that  which I have been thinking about soooooo much for the past 4 years, and so I have an opportunity to kind of just step back for a moment and assess everything and step out of those thought patterns that I have been engaged in for so long. So yes, some relief to now just have a moment to step out of that routine.

So in assessing my physical body day to day, I would say I am at LEAST a week away from returning to work. And during this time I can began practicing LISTENING to my Body and actually Honoring the feedback its giving me and stop accepting and allowing myself to come up with reasons to continue pushing myself until I get hurt. I told myself  “I had no choice” where now that things have slowed down a bit, I do see that I actually during that time I was busy pushing to complete the projects I wanted too, that I did have a choice during that time and I could have slowed down, and been more patient. So its been an interesting few days and I will continue to walk both the inner and outer of supporting myself through this injury process.

 

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential

 

The Weekend Crash – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 811

comical sense - weekend

So today is one of the more difficult days in my week because it’s ‘the weekend’. In recent blogs I have been writing about the point of motivation and some of the principles I have utilized over the years to support myself within my application with my Job and the process of developing an art business. Now one aspect of this whole process has been realizing that my ‘success’ within my work should not be at the expense of my success in other things.

So for example I have found often that I can become quite effective at my application at work, but then when I am at home, its like “I don’t know what to do with myself” and actually one of my struggles is getting through my days off without completely sinking into laziness, depression, idleness, where at times I end up in this experience of putting ALL my effort into my work week and then when I get to the weekend, I collapse. And am pretty much useless.

So a process I am still working on for myself is to develop more of a consistency within my LIFE EXPRESSION where there isn’t a polarity or division between who I am at work and who I am at home or who I am during the work week versus on the weekends.

I find I have the tendency to be single minded and because of this I do not expand myself into other expressions and so there is no balance to my life in terms of where I am allocating my efforts. Rather it’s like Work and Art is KING and then there is everything else. And often I want to rush through doing other things like cooking for myself or doing some other activity or spending time socializing because I have compartmentalized my life into “me at work” and “me resting” and then maybe a few other points but then this becomes a kind of polarity where on the weekends I only rest and do nothing else, and then during the week I work and I do nothing else and then they become likes extremes. Or at least this is an assessment of my situation in looking at what could be contributing to my Weekend Crashes or even my lack of enthusiasm towards doing anything other than what I have defined my life to be as Work and Rest.

So this is a point I am still finding a balance with and still in the process of creating for myself where I am more consistent within my experience of myself instead of jumping back and forth between the “work experience” and “rest experience”

I can see here that I could actually benefit from Redefining the word REST or RELAX because my current definition of this is simply me laying around doing nothing. So here I see I can include activities and expressions that are more supportive both physically and mentally because actually ‘laying around’ is not supportive when its all your doing and then you end up, as I do, sinking into boredom or depression or idleness, So yes, Here seeing a New approach to ‘Resting’ and ‘Relaxing’ where this just doesn’t have to be meaning that I must do as little as possible. Okay cool, so pulled through some Direction with this point. I will continue with this either here in blogs to come or in my own personal writings which I utilize also in opening up and understanding points.

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential

Trying to Preserve my Energy For my Job Only – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 807

13568635-The-green-iguana-on-the-tree-sleeping-in-zoo-Stock-Photo

I have been noticing lately that I seem to be more ‘checked-out’ than usual. For instance in the mornings when I get up for work, I have noticed that I kind of just zombie out of bed and into the kitchen to make my coffee and go. And I noticed within me this morning that I wasn’t very engaged. Its like, I have no spark, no pep.

Then today at lunch I noticed it also. I was sitting there with my some people and where I normally would make conversation, I just kind of ‘didn’t bother’. It was like I just didn’t care to. And I kind of just wanted to go, because I wasn’t interested in motivating or even carrying on any kind of dialogue with the people at my table. I didn’t want to make the Effort to strike up conversation.

One reason that could be contributing to this experience of myself is just my focus at work these days. I have been pushing to get some projects done, and I find that it kind of takes up my full attention and then I don’t really feel like doing anything else.

Also I can see this other aspect of how I have become focused on and invested into this particular pattern of just concentrating exclusively on this work project where even when I go home, the pattern is still more about just preparing for the next day at work and I can see how lately there has been a bit of a disruption in that pattern where I have had to step outside of it and that I just really don’t want to, and so its like I have a hard time Changing the Pattern of going to work and then coming home and resting and then going to work and then coming home and resting and then going to work and coming home and resting, ect…

I haven’t wanted to put any effort into anything but the project I am creating at work.

So I see that I actually have to put effort into other parts of my life also, and I cannot just put all my energy into my work project and then give myself to nothing else in my life.

So now having identified this, I am going to support myself to actually engaging with other aspects of my life instead of just trying to save all my energy for the project I am busy with with work.

Okay going to make this a short blog for tonight. But cool to even write these points out to see this dimension of single-mindedness that I has come up recently and how it has been challenging for me to ‘find the energy’ to give to other parts/areas of my life outside of work.

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential

Expanding Your Supply of Solutions – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 805

truck

So lately I have been walking this point of ordering more supplies for my business which allows everything to continue to flow normally. But there is a delay on the supplies arriving which isn’t the first time this has happened with some of the suppliers I work with. So when and as this is happening I have been firstly practicing not allowing myself to go into a reaction towards the particular suppliers and essentially start demanding that my supplies arrive in a reasonable time-frame. There are moments where I see these reactions coming up within me, but I continue to support myself to not act out of these reactions.

So one dimension of this that is coming up now as I write, is the questions of “Where do I do the same thing” Where do I procrastinate with certain projects, tasks, and points that not only affect me but affect others as well, because I can see that I still do allow procrastination in my own life, and so this is a cool Starting Point for me to create a Solution for these outflows that I am walking now where my supplies seems to be arriving late which has been a pattern now for about a year.

For instance, I could actually just order my supplies doubly early. If I have identified a pattern of the movement of certain supplies, then I could make sure that I am keenly on top of it, and essentially doing what is within my power to Ensure that I am always stocked on supplies.

I also noticed that I can also branch out and reach out to other suppliers who could provide a supplemental support for when I need certain supplies within a specific time-frame. This is something that I haven’t yet done.

Because if a few months down the road I am in the same boat, it is obvious that it has nothing to do with the suppliers but rather my lack of action to find solutions to the point.

So here is a good example of how its so easy to blame others for our experiences and problems where we do this without getting to the point of doing everything in our power to Take Responsibility for Our Own lives to the best of our ability.

So this is has definitely been a Key for me in the Process that I have walked with Desteni over the years where I have been supported to and have since began to bring points back to myself and look at where and how I can support me to find Solutions and Take Responsibility for my life instead of just going into blaming someone else. This has actually had quite a massive impact on my life because here even in this situation with my suppliers, this could have easily in the past ended up with me just going into blame and so not bringing the point back to myself which is a missed opportunity for self expansion because in bringing the points back to myself I am actually EXPANDING myself through looking at WHAT I CAN DO for myself and for others in terms of Living Solutions and trying out new things or changing my own tendencies and patterns to be overall more supportive.

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential

Reacting Emotionally to Work Decisions – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 775

crying-emoji

Today was my first day back at work after taking some time off. I was somewhat tentative my first day back, moving into the day slowly and just taking my time moving into things again. So, I am not yet in the ‘full-swing’ of things. My observations about today was that I did or am wondering why I was apprehensive in terms of getting things going again after my time off and why I didn’t just dive in and get things moving with more force, certainty and directivness, but instead was more feeling things out.

I can see that there is some slight reactions within me in relation how I approached today. Before my break, I was pushing myself to work longer hours and was more just overall at a point of wanting to push things.

Overall I would prefer to have a more relaxed application with work, where I didn’t feel so strained or rushed which is how things came to eventually materialize before I took a break. So as I move back into my work application again one thing I would like to investigate, and explore is my relationship with time and money as well as feeling rushed or strained at work and basically investigating what I can do support myself to have a more balanced and stable experience when it comes to work. I am satisfied with how things are at the moment in terms of what I have to work with to support myself to continue to explore, refine, specify, correct, and create my “working-Life” relationship. Though ultimately it is simply my LIFE overall and ‘working’ is just an aspect of that.

Physically my back was quite sore after work today. Daaaaannng. Like quite sore indeed. My Job is very much a physical job and my physical well-being is important to the application and sustenance of my job so any time I have physical ailments It does have the potential to bring up some reactions such as fears and such.

So today, going to work after some time off and then having some nice back pain after work is definitely some FeedBACK in terms of now what to focus on tomorrow and consistently as I am taking on such physical work

I also had some Emotional Reactions coming up today in relation to some decisions I had to make regarding some direction with my job. That is one thing that, when it came up today, I noticed had been missing from my life since taking some time off. So this is definitely a KEY for me as a point to Support myself to Correct with my Job. Here I can practice making Decisions without getting emotional. It was interesting to have these specific emotional points come up again today. As I noticed them coming up, it was alike alarm bells going off where I was like “Heeeyyyyyy I haven’t had these types of thoughts in a while” and so realizing that these specific natured emotional reactions I have in relation to making particular decisions at work are quite specific to my job and indicating clearly an aspect of myself to Correct.

So this is actually quite cool because I am seeing this now as perhaps one of the more ‘important’ things that came from today where moving forward now I will support myself to Stabilize myself in relation to these specific emotional points that come up when facing particular decision points and projects related to my work.

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

New Project Challenging My Limitations – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 757

Beaver+building+dam+thisworldexists+this+world+exists+jackson+hole+yellowstone

I began a new project this week at work. The requirements of this particular project are a bit different than usual in that the timeline for completion is shorter. Over the past 6 months and really over this last year I have created this routine at work which consists of working only so many hours each day and each week, and I have stuck to that schedule quite insistently during this time-frame.

But now with this new project, I could see that in order to complete it that I will have to work a lot more hours, and potentially not take any days off until its complete which is very out of the norm.

I had some resistance moving within me when this project came up but I was clear within myself that I was going to do it and that I plan to complete it on schedule.

One thing I have been doing to support myself with taking on the extra workload is to focus as much as possible on the moment and day at hand, and taking it one day a time. I can see that if I start to think a lot about the future and the coming days that this creates an opening potentially for projections and resistances to build/ to be created.

Though, also, the idea that the project will only last so long is also something I have considered as a point of support. Meaning, I see, its not the norm, and so I can just do what needs to be done, and what I find is that the days, and weeks and months actually really go by quickly, so eventually the project will be over so I will just take it one day at a time, and that will add up soon enough.

Today was the 3rd day of the project and my new work schedule.

What I have observed about myself is that I am actually capable of handling the new workload. Yes, I am a bit more physically sore/tired after work, though, I can see how that previously I had been accepting and allowing myself to talk myself out of ‘working more’ when I am actually capable to doing it.

So if anything, I will use this project to test my limits so to speak, and see if I can actually do it and to really test if my apparently “Sound Logic” that “I can only work so many hours”, is valid or was in fact just a line of BS I was using to justify my own Limitation, which essentially reveals the question of why in the first place had I limited myself in the way that I was essentially refusing to work more hours at my job/career, but had kind of just been coasting for a while.

What I found was that I was actually quite stuck in my routine and I was in a way, aware that I was. So thus far, the new workload and new project has actually supported me to break out of those self defined limitations I was stuck within.

Its interesting how WORDS can contain someone.

Its interesting how we give words power over us.

Like for instance

“I can only work so many hours”

“Its better for my health if I work less hours”

“I don’t need to work more hours”

“I can’t push anymore, I am too tired”

All of these words was existing within me and I was participating and implementing these words many times each week and so also living out the same schedule every day and every week, that in reality was more aligned with a kind of passionless effort. Now that is not to say that I didn’t want to be passionate, or that I wasn’t attempting and trying to break out of my routine. But I just couldn’t, or that I just didn’t

So I will see how the coming days are with the new workload and take this opportunity to push myself which interestingly is refreshing. So I work more, and am more sore at the end of the day, yet experience myself more refreshed and even stronger, than when I was working less hours to apparently keep myself refreshed which in truth ended up cultivating a lack of inspiration and submission.

So, as I said, I will utilize this new work process as a welcomed opportunity to see what I am capable of and to push myself more and to support me in getting out of my old routine.