Forgetting To SEE MYSELF in my Passions – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 819

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I thought I would take a moment and sit down here to do some writing and share what I have been up to lately. I have recently started putting more time towards developing some acrylic paintings. Most or much of my focus these days goes towards developing my art business. So a big point for me that I have been walking for some time is the relationship between Art and Money. But this could also be understood as the relationship between ones passions and making money with ones passions. I am not sure how rare my situation is but I decided that I would pursue creating and selling art, essentially my passion, as how I would make my primary income and it has been an interesting journey. For the first 10 years after I graduated art school and begun pursuing my passion of creating art and turning that into my career, I never really sold much art and just found other ways to make money. My approach back then was simply to create art and frankly I never made art to sell. In fact I believed that if I was making art to sell then I would be a Sell Out and so I steered clear of that and went for a kind of purity (or so I believed) of just expressing myself and not bothering to worry about if it sold or not, though, I actually did want it to sell and I did want to make money off of it. Although during that time, even though I wasn’t really creating art with the mindset of making it to sell, I did still have external influences from the perspective of I did want other people to like what I was doing, they didn’t have to buy it, they just had to like it. But that is whole other point for a different blog.

After a time away from doing art as my primary focus I got back into it about 4 or 5 years ago and this time I ended up in a situation where I was making it and selling it and surviving off of it. Though the art I was making you could say was more geared towards a particular market or aesthetic preference that wasn’t necessarily my personal preference. And this has been quite a challenge for me to essentially take a subject or style that is not necessarily ‘my preference’ and then to find myself in it, to, Make it My Own so to speak.

I will also add here that “My Preference” is definitely something I am still getting to know and so am willing to do things that I believe are not my preference to actually investigate them deeply and see if I can connect to it on some level because honestly “my preference” I realize has been greatly influenced, directed, impulsed by my culture, parents, peers, society, ect, so I have am definitely willing to challenge “my preference” and to make actually walk that process of really understanding what it means to get to know Myself on a deep level and understand what I do really personally like and enjoy and make sure this  is not just something that someone told me I like or I thought I was supposed to like it because everyone else did. Okay back to my point…

Over time and more so lately I have begun putting more time into painting and developing this more marketable line of work. And the question I have been walking and attempting to find the balance within is, that line between creating art to sell, that is marketable, and creating art for me where I can add my personal touch and take the art in directions that is more about my personal self expression and making sure that in the end the artwork contains depth and substance, than just making something to sell.

Okay going to add some Self Forgiveness Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what other people will think about me if I create art that is marketable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider that one can make marketable art that still has depth, substance, and quality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted or dissuaded by my fears in a way where I don’t give myself the opportunity to test the theory of creating art that is marketable but also still has ME and My personal touch on it where I can create the depth, quality, and substance that I would like to.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to develop a style that is both marketable as well as having substance, quality, and depth to it so I can be proud and happy with the work I create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a sell-out if I create art that is marketable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my fears to get the best of me where I will stop before even giving myself the chance to explore various ways of creating the Depth that I would like into my art while at the same time having it be something marketable and sellable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into EGO within thinking “I am too good” to make art that sells, meaning where I essentially believe and have also judged others as “Just making art to sell” and believing that this compromises the artistic integrity within the art.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my art to be good and fear diluting it through its relationship with money, but then not take this point BACK TO SELF and consider how HOW I LIVE and WHO I AM in my daily life within and without is for instance compromised by money or ultimately where I am actually compromising Myself and my own Quality and Substance by allowing myself to live in ways that is not best for me, but then divert my attention off of myself and just obsess about my art when the Real point here Should be about WHO I AM for real in real life because Who I am is what really matters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other people knowing that I am making art that is marketable because I fear they will lose respect for me and they will stop respecting the art I make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people think I am selling out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what other people think about me when what other people think about me is Not who I actually am, and who I actually am is what really matters and that is something that I Live and Walk and Express day by day and I am essentially the Gatekeeper of Who I am and am Responsible for who I am and must answer to myself with regards to what I accept and allow of and as myself and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that Who I am and How I live moment to moment is really What Matters in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in the surface dimension of worrying what other people think about my art and if they think I am selling out when this is like an irrational fear that is actually removed from who I am and what I live in real physical substance day to day and moment to moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to influenced and directed by fear energy and anxiety energy in relation to what I thought or think people think about my art.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus too much on what my art looks like where it becomes a form of obsession where in I forget about ME and Taking Care of Myself and Working on points within myself to assist and support me to become and live to my utmost potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess over my art and if other people will like it, and end up neglecting Myself and Working with myself in a process of Self Creation to become a Self that I am Satisfied and Happy with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore working on my inner reality through regular Self Writing and Self Forgiveness as a point of actually supporting myself to Correct, Change, and Transform those parts of myself that I see are not what they could be or are supporting me within my utmost potential. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to work on these aspects of self, and just focus all of my attention outside of myself into my art, and art business.

I commit myself to LIVE HERE, and to when and as I see myself going into that dimension of obsessing about what others might think about my art, to stop and take and in breath, and within the exhale, I slow myself down and bring myself back to the moment and back to here and realize that what Really Matters is WHO I AM and that when I start worrying about what other people think about my art and how that reflects on me, I realize that here I am actually OFF POINT and so I bring myself back to THEE POINT which is ME and Self and Who I am within myself and How I am LIVING moment to moment and I commit myself to assist and support myself to place my attention HERE onto me and to assist and support myself to work on Myself and What Really Matters which is Who I am in each and every moment, So that I can stand and face myself and look myself in the Eye, and know that I am Living my Best Self and be actually truly Satisfied and Content with myself, and Love Myself.

Okay so the point that is actually coming through here, which I was thinking that this blog would be about anyways, is not so much about the relationship between ones passions and making money with ones passions, but rather when ones Passions become more important than SELF. Because I have been noticing this with myself lately where although I have been investing more time into my art which is cool, though, I have in a slight way have been neglecting the most important point which is ME and just working with myself on that Inner Deep level in a way where I am supporting ME within my Process of Personal Self Creation and Transformation and basically just working on WHO I AM in each and every breath.

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The PIT of Self PITy (Part 1) – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 642

Heaviness Experience in the Body

Problem

I was having a conversation with someone and then as I was having the conversation I had this reaction come up where I went into this point of Self Defeat / Self Pity / Sadness within myself. This is a problem because I see that it is a point where I am accepting and allowing myself to be directed by, and overcome by an emotional energy.

Insights and Understanding

I have recently been listening to the Eqafe interviews that were done on Self Pity where that point was opened up, and so today when this reaction came up within me, I could more see the different dimensions of this reaction/energy and so that is what I am going to further open up for myself here.

Some points that I noticed about my reaction is the following.

  • It was a clear shift inside myself where I could experience this energy washing over me where within a matter of seconds my entire demeanor and experience of myself changed into this self pity / sadness point.
  • I noticed the specific Judgement come up towards/within myself that preceded the emotional energy experience. The judgement was in the form of the statement – “I am such a fuck up”
  • I noticed that the energy experience was actually a comforting point, like a womb of sorts, where I sunk into myself and into this emotional energy experience as a way to just block out everything that was going on, and the reactions and points that were here. So I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize this particular energy experience of self pity and sadness as a valid excuse to ‘not face my problems’ or ‘not have to deal with anything’ but instead just sink into this energy and be comforted by this energy.
  • I noticed that because I did this, I didn’t actually look at or investigate the Judgements and reactions that came up before hand that preceded the emotional reaction of self pity

In the interviews I listened to today, one of the interesting points discussed was in relation to how “Self Pity” was often used by for instance ones parents during childhood to console the child, normally in relation to some initial point of trauma or reaction. And so it was suggested to see if one is able to when noticing the point of Self Pity coming up within oneself to identify the initial points that triggered it which would come in the form of a Self Judgement that is done in a very attacking nature. And so when I looked within my own example here, I could see in this instance that ‘attacking judgement’ of “I am such a fuck up”

And so I see that this particular judgement is a primary source point here that I require to clear up within myself and to apply Self Forgiveness on.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, or understand the consequences of participating with Self Pity / the energy of Self Pity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within Self Pity and not actually assist and support myself to Change this point within and as myself from the perspective of seeing, realizing, and understanding that when I am participating within and as Self Pity, that I am accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my mind and directed by an emotional energy experience, and so thus, I am not being Self Directive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify participating within and as the emotional experience of Self Pity within and through speaking the statement within myself “ah, its not that bad, its not doing any harm” and thus within this, missing the crucial fact that the nature of me participating within the point of Self Pity is an accepted and allowed relationship within myself where I am placing myself as subject to my mind as thoughts, and energy experiences, and thus abdicating my directive principle to my mind where then, this is just another place and space within myself where I am not standing as the directive principle of me and so thus not standing and living to my fullest potential which implies I am Self Directive in each and every breath/moment. Something that cannot be done while participating within and as Self Pity.

To be Continued…

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The Decision – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 172

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone Living “What is Best For ALL” and instead Live Self Interest, where within this The path I walked as my daily life was a path of self interest and not a path of what is best for all.

I see that I have not made a dedicated decision to Live what is best for all and to thus actually Live this Decision Daily which would be able to be measured in and as my living actions daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back “just a little longer” from actually making the dedicated decision to live what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to give up my life of self interest for a life of what is best for all, because this means then that the “way I live” would change, and be different and I want/wanted to hold onto the patterns that I was living that in essence added up to a life of self interest.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take a good look inside myself and in this make a Clear Dedicated Decision of what I am going to live as who I am going to be, and thus make that decision to Live What is Best for ALL and do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off making the decision to live what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that to Commit myself to Life does not require some “external point” but all it requires is me making a decision to do this and in this giving up Self Interest and my Life of Self Interest and Aligning myself to Living What is Best for ALL with the resources that I have and thus Simply Doing/Walking/Living It.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to Live the motivation that is required to Live what is best for all. Motivation that come with the Dedicated Decision to Live what is best for ALL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with “Self Doubt” where I starting thinking/worrying about “what if I can’t do it” and “what if I go back to my self interested ways”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to allocate my time accordingly in relation to actually preparing /developing myself to Live what is Best For ALL.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to make Living What is Best For ALL a SERIOUS and REAL Consideration/Decision I make and actually LIVE As.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to move/direct myself according to what is best for all where I put my time to good use and am utilizing my time here to Prepare/Direct myself in relation to What is Best For ALL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of what I believe will be “Hard Work” in Living What is Best For ALL in and as Absolute Dedication, and so postpone and hold back actually LIVING A LIFE THAT IS BEST FOR ALL. Because I fear giving up my easy life for a life Where I Dedicate Myself Daily to What is Best For ALL.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that all it requires of me to do is Live Each Moment as what is best for ALL, it is not that I do not understand what to do, it is that I am reluctant to do so and thus postponing actually doing this because I see that it will take Daily Dedicated Effort and Preparation on my part where I am working with myself Daily in an Effective Manner to Prepare/Develop myself within the Context of What is Best for ALL.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to make the decision within myself as WHO I AM to Live What is Best for ALL as a FINAL Decision as WHO I AM within this LIFE to Support the Bringing Forth of What is Best For ALL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as Beneath that which is required to Live/Stand as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not Deciding who I am /want to be and Aligning my Daily Living according to produce the result of that which I Decide to be to Support What is Best For ALL. But instead accepted and allowed Self Interest as the Lack of A Dedicated Decision to LIVE what is Best For ALL, to remain who I am as who I have always been and lived as.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to shape, mould, form, create myself according to that which is best for all so that I am able to SUPPORT/ Facilitate this Process to the Utmost.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I do not actually know what my skills are because I have never in fact Willed myself within the context of what is best for all which imply utilizing my current skill set to its utmost potential and thus within this actually seeing what I am capable of and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through by defining me as limited or not good or skilled enough, without in fact moving myself to in fact apply myself within my utmost potential, thus never actually utilizing effectively Me and the Skills that I do have.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that Skill is a secondary point where initially one must first make a decision to Apply Oneself and accordingly the skills develop as an outflow of ones decision to apply oneself. Thus The Principle of “Where there is a WILL there is WAY.

Self Corrections to Follow.

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