RUNNING In the Human RACE – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 774

Cycles of Collapse, 9.5x11inch graphite on paper, Andrew Gable

For the last few days I have been directing myself to Breathe, and slow myself down throughout my day. So what I have been doing is paying more attention to the tendency I have to allow myself and my mind to just kind of spiral or get worked into a frenzy through just constantly thinking as well as in my behavior just constantly jumping around from one task to the next, and in this just getting swept away in my mind, in thinking and in the experiences that are generated through thinking and acting impulsively and hastily.

I have come to accept the pace at which I move through life.

Even though I do see that this pace is actually not the pace I would like to Live at.

So during the last few days I have been supporting myself more deliberately to Breathe and Slow myself down, both within and without of myself, and so that experience inside me of feeling the need to rush or to be doing something has been more pronounced because I have been deliberately slowing myself down despite the internal dialogue such as the backchat statements

‘Its going to be too late’

‘Things are going to fall apart’

‘You have to be productive’

‘You are lazy’

‘This is terrible, you really have to get going’

As well as the urges and surges of energy all compelling me to move myself to just do something.

Now this doesn’t mean I have been nothing. It just means that I have been more selective about what I am doing making sure I am not acting impulsively or basing my actions and movements on the anxiety experience that drives me for a good portion of my week and that has been driving me for some time now in my life that I just haven’t been able to release and change about myself.

For me I have noticed that throughout my life that I have only ever managed to “slow down” for short periods of time where before long I am back to my normal pace of things which I see is more connected to and driven by anxiety, fear, restlessness and other experiences like this.

The main approach of this application that I have been walking of “slowing myself down” is consisting of firstly “Breathing”. Breathing is that reference point of where I want to be, which is ‘in the physical’ where part of my approach to slowing down, has been to focus ‘HERE’, on my physical body and to spend less time in my mind which is the location where I see I end up perpetuating and playing out my ‘rushed experience’.

An early memory that comes up where I experienced a rush of anxiety that I can relate to my experience now in my life of feeling anxious and restless and essentially rushed, is when I was around 12 years old. I remember seeing these drawings that this kid who was in a grade lower than me had done. I remember immediately thinking “those are better than mine” and in the same breath experiencing a FEAR and Anxiety pierce through me thinking that “I was a year behind” that I had to now somehow make up a year to catch up with this kid.

What I see now is that I had already defined myself a lot in relation to my art at that age, and so I felt that without having art as being something that “I was the best at” that I had nothing. So in a sense I experienced myself as not good enough because my art was not as good as his and I was struck with Anxiety and Fear which Drove me to be better instead of realizing the Equality of Life and that each Individual has something unique to them to offer and its not about being better than others, because everyone is Equally Worthy of Life. In my eyes, I felt I had nothing. I felt I had to stand out from the crowd, that just being like everyone else was a bad thing, was not good enough. Interesting that all this was already happening within me by age 12 or 13.

Its interesting how our world is set up in a way to enforce competition and everywhere you look there is divisions and categories of humans which starts even in school as every child is given a number according to how good they are doing in school where then each child is defined by this number instead of there being a focus and development on bringing through each individual Childs unique potential, done so from a foundation and understanding of Equality.

So when I look at the sort of anxiety I experience within my life today, that experience I had in that early memory has a similar signature. Of course today I am much older and I can see how along the way I may have attached and connected all sorts of other drives and motivations that fuels that experience within me throughout my day where I am just constantly feeling the need to Go Go Go. I can also understand how this may have developed initially from an experience of feeling like I am nothing, and unworthy, and not recognizing my own equally unique Value as Life.

Another dimension of this ‘Anxiety-Drive’ is Fear of Running Out of Money. So part of this process I see I must walk with Slowing myself down within myself and Living and Becoming the word ‘Calm’ and ‘Relaxed’ and ‘Stable’, is sorting out the delusions within myself with regards to this Fear of Running out of Money. What’s funny about this fear is that the word RUNNING is actually in the fear statement, which is really how I experience myself through the week where its like I feel like I am Running and Running and then I get home and crash or get to the weekend and crash. So I personally would like to change this entire playout because I realize it is not supporting me and I realize that it probably isn’t the best way for me to Direct myself, where a part of me wonders if I would be more effective if I just slowed down, instead of conjuring up all sorts of movements and actions from the starting point of worry, fear, and concern.

The main point here is that I would like to make a change in this regard with myself, and essentially shift myself out of the behaviors and mind patterns that’s all about rushing, and excitement and in a way either feeding or trying to supress this anxiety experience within me. And to rather than just supress that, to actually work with it through this process of Breathing in awareness and focusing my attention onto my physical body and physical presence throughout the day and find ways to support myself to GROUND Myself in my Self Presence instead of accepting and allowing this to be hijacked by Anxiety, restlessness, boredom, Fear, and other experiences like this which I see are contributing to my overall experience of feeling like I am constantly in a rush, jumping from one thing to the next, to the next, to the next without ever stopping and Being Here, and just Breathing and being Stable and Content within myself.

 

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The Fear of Going From Heaven to Hell – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 441

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Currently in my life I have been working with a point related to stabilizing myself within my place of work.

What I have found is that I have been going into extensive reactions/emotional experience in relation to where I am currently working to the point of where I will go to extreme doubts and particularly believing that what I am doing is never going to work where this “this is never going to work” experience has been completely taking me over where I experience this ‘dropping’ within me like ‘my heart sinking’ only its not my heart, its more like my entire self where its like I collapse within myself in relation to this point I am currently walking where I think “this is not going to work”.

At the moment my primary job is working at an art gallery where I am employed to create the art as well as working 1 day a week on the sales floor doing sales.

About 2 weeks ago there was some changes to the structure of the job and it was about this time that the emotional/feeling experiences (despair/ distraught) started to intensify and really start influencing my day to day actions.

One dimension of this experience is that “I actually like my job”. I can see how the fact that I actually like my job and would like to have this job be something stable and effective is a point that is fueling my emotional/feeling experiences where there is a “fear of loss” not wanting to lose the job I now have.

The last time I was in a situation similar to this was when I graduated from college and started painting art work where I ended up getting a grant which financed me to be able to “make paintings for a job”. Though the only problem was I did not learn how to sell them so eventually my time doing this ended and I moved into doing other jobs.

So here I am now again working in the art field and I have this experience of “not wanting to lose this job” consequentially, I find the more I fear and worry about this, the less effective I am at work which defeats the purpose because Ideally within enjoying ones job, one would then be HERE, and allow oneself to get the full enjoyment out of it by applying oneself fully within the work. But for me I have really struggled with this due to my emotional experience within and at work. I am in no way stable. I am in constant fear of losing this job, of this job not working out.

So this is one point that is contributing to my emotional/feeling experience that has been coming up at work so this is the point I will open up here within Self Forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job because I actually like my job and want to have the job I do have at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that I will lose my job, and that it will not work out and so within myself through this expectation create quite an emotional experience within myself around the point of my job ending which in turn has created an experience of emotional instability in relation to my job which has thus made the job actually difficult to really enjoy and apply myself within fully.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job because I believe that I will end up in a same or similar job that I have had before in my life which I in a way fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a fear of this world/ the system and particular the jobs available in this world that I see myself qualified for, to direct me and so thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this world, the system, and in particular the jobs available in this world that I see myself qualified for where here I have defined such jobs as dull, boring, not fun, where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “I will be miserable and depressed” within such jobs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea that it is inevitable that “I will be back” in one of my old jobs eventually in terms of ending up working the same type of job I did in the past, where within me I have in a way attempted to run and hide or escape from this “past reality” which seems like its just a matter of time before this “past reality” become my here reality again, which I dread.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be miserable and limited if I take a job similar to one I worked in the past, where I have accepted and allowed myself to define doing such a point as a “limitation” here not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize I am able to utilize such a point as jobs similar to that which I did in my past as a support point within my life and that it is not just automatically “spelling the end” which is what I have currently accepted and allowed myself to hold within myself as what such jobs represent/symbolize.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined jobs, or taking a job similar to one I had in my past as a ‘set back’ or a ‘limitation’ or a ‘step backwards’ instead of stopping all Judgement towards such a point and rather realizing that defining it as such is the actual point of limitation where it in fact does not have to be defined as a ‘set back’ or ‘ limitation’ or ‘step backwards’ but can simply be a point that is here to assist and support myself within my process to stand up as Life within the principle of what is best for all, and so here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away completely to “my job” where I have accepted and allowed “my job” to completely determine the experience of me to the point where even thinking about being in such jobs as I was in in the my past that I am not even in at the moment create an intense overwhelming emotional/feelings experience where I go into a kind of possessed state of fear within myself towards “returning to such work” where I in essence believe and have thus defined doing this as something that will make me miserable and so thus have defined such a point within a negative energetic charge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “doing jobs like I had in my past” within a “negative charge” and to have defined my job that I am in currently within a “positive charge” where in this I then strive to ‘hold onto’ and actually ‘fearing losing’ this current job which I have defined and charged within a positive feeling where I fear losing that “positive experience” and then going into the opposite of that as the negative experience by ‘ending up’ in a job similar to ones that I did in my past, and so within this my experience become quite highly charged due to the nature of how I have quite intensely charged each of these 2 points within a polarity framework where I have my current job which I have defined in a high positive energy and my past jobs which I have defined within the context of quite a low negative energy and so its like when one fall from heaven and go straight to hell, and for instance don’t even have the luxury of landing somewhere in the middle like on earth but really fall from the highest of high to the lowest of low which is kind of how I have emotionally set myself up at the moment with working my current job, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by energy and to within myself/my life, define and experience everything within an either positive and/or negative charge in and as a polarity equation.

I will continue in my next blog looking more specifically the “positive charge” I have associated with my current job.

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Sudden Surges of Anxiety/Fear – An Artists Journey To Life – Day 193

This is a continuation of the following blog posts

Sinking into Heaviness – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 192
Aligning My Expression with the Physical – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 191
Stepping Out of Track – An Artists Journey To Life Day 190
Sorting out my Past Perceptions about Myself – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 189
Finding Excuses to Hold Back – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 188
Disrupting My Attention – Self Corrections – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 187
Subtly Blaming My Genetics – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 186


In my last blog I looked at/explored the reactions of heaviness within myself that I ‘sink into’ as the reaction that comes up in relation to the “fear of failing in my Art Endeavours” I notice that what comes up very quickly before the heaviness is a sudden anxiety within my solar plexus. I would also describe this “sudden anxiety” as the actual initial fear experience. It is like a fluttering of anxiety that comes up really fast within my solar plexus.

So this is where I will start today as I continue exploring/laying out my “Reaction Dimension” that occur in relation to the initial fear that I have of failing at this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the reaction of anxiety which I see as also fear that suddenly comes up within my solar plexus like a sudden fluttering/shuttering energy surge experience that vibrate within my solar plexus when ever I start going into my mind and thinking about and looking at the point of possibly failing at this art point or /and also when I go into my imagination dimension and looking at playing out all the potential / possible various ways that I could fail or will fail, where in doing this this shuttering anxiety experience emerge suddenly and quickly within my solar plexus.

I commit myself to flag point this “sudden anxiety/fear experience in my solar plexus” that comes up in relation to this point of walking this art point so that I am able to more specifically identify exactly how and when this “sudden reaction” comes up within me, so that I can within this assist and support myself to stabilize myself within my application / walking of this point where in I pinpoint and lay out in exact detail in my “writing out of my myself” this point/reaction point so to identify how specifically I am creating it and have created/constructed it within myself, where I am able to look at specifically the different memories/past experiences/beliefs I have attached to this “sudden reaction/anxiety/fear experience” within me.

Also here I commit myself to as I open up and develop understanding and clarity on this point to thus stop my auto-participation in this point where In I automatically accept energetic reactions without in fact understanding them in exact detail in terms of what I am in fact participating with and or accepting and allowing myself to tacitly participate with/agree with/ perpetuate by participating with reactions automatically without understanding the exact context of what that “reaction” is or how it was/is created and all the various relationships I have connected to that particular reaction, and so within this assist and support myself to start develop Real Self Understanding and Awareness that I can TRUST, so to while doing this assist and support me to become more stable and also SELF Directed within myself/ my life / my application no more being guided here and there by energetic impulses that come up/ suddenly come up quickly within my body / my self that often I do not even noticed due to having become so accustom and conditioned to participating with that particular energetic reactions/feeling/emotion/experience within myself.

 

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