Forgetting To SEE MYSELF in my Passions – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 819

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I thought I would take a moment and sit down here to do some writing and share what I have been up to lately. I have recently started putting more time towards developing some acrylic paintings. Most or much of my focus these days goes towards developing my art business. So a big point for me that I have been walking for some time is the relationship between Art and Money. But this could also be understood as the relationship between ones passions and making money with ones passions. I am not sure how rare my situation is but I decided that I would pursue creating and selling art, essentially my passion, as how I would make my primary income and it has been an interesting journey. For the first 10 years after I graduated art school and begun pursuing my passion of creating art and turning that into my career, I never really sold much art and just found other ways to make money. My approach back then was simply to create art and frankly I never made art to sell. In fact I believed that if I was making art to sell then I would be a Sell Out and so I steered clear of that and went for a kind of purity (or so I believed) of just expressing myself and not bothering to worry about if it sold or not, though, I actually did want it to sell and I did want to make money off of it. Although during that time, even though I wasn’t really creating art with the mindset of making it to sell, I did still have external influences from the perspective of I did want other people to like what I was doing, they didn’t have to buy it, they just had to like it. But that is whole other point for a different blog.

After a time away from doing art as my primary focus I got back into it about 4 or 5 years ago and this time I ended up in a situation where I was making it and selling it and surviving off of it. Though the art I was making you could say was more geared towards a particular market or aesthetic preference that wasn’t necessarily my personal preference. And this has been quite a challenge for me to essentially take a subject or style that is not necessarily ‘my preference’ and then to find myself in it, to, Make it My Own so to speak.

I will also add here that “My Preference” is definitely something I am still getting to know and so am willing to do things that I believe are not my preference to actually investigate them deeply and see if I can connect to it on some level because honestly “my preference” I realize has been greatly influenced, directed, impulsed by my culture, parents, peers, society, ect, so I have am definitely willing to challenge “my preference” and to make actually walk that process of really understanding what it means to get to know Myself on a deep level and understand what I do really personally like and enjoy and make sure this  is not just something that someone told me I like or I thought I was supposed to like it because everyone else did. Okay back to my point…

Over time and more so lately I have begun putting more time into painting and developing this more marketable line of work. And the question I have been walking and attempting to find the balance within is, that line between creating art to sell, that is marketable, and creating art for me where I can add my personal touch and take the art in directions that is more about my personal self expression and making sure that in the end the artwork contains depth and substance, than just making something to sell.

Okay going to add some Self Forgiveness Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what other people will think about me if I create art that is marketable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider that one can make marketable art that still has depth, substance, and quality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted or dissuaded by my fears in a way where I don’t give myself the opportunity to test the theory of creating art that is marketable but also still has ME and My personal touch on it where I can create the depth, quality, and substance that I would like to.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to develop a style that is both marketable as well as having substance, quality, and depth to it so I can be proud and happy with the work I create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a sell-out if I create art that is marketable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my fears to get the best of me where I will stop before even giving myself the chance to explore various ways of creating the Depth that I would like into my art while at the same time having it be something marketable and sellable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into EGO within thinking “I am too good” to make art that sells, meaning where I essentially believe and have also judged others as “Just making art to sell” and believing that this compromises the artistic integrity within the art.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my art to be good and fear diluting it through its relationship with money, but then not take this point BACK TO SELF and consider how HOW I LIVE and WHO I AM in my daily life within and without is for instance compromised by money or ultimately where I am actually compromising Myself and my own Quality and Substance by allowing myself to live in ways that is not best for me, but then divert my attention off of myself and just obsess about my art when the Real point here Should be about WHO I AM for real in real life because Who I am is what really matters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other people knowing that I am making art that is marketable because I fear they will lose respect for me and they will stop respecting the art I make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people think I am selling out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what other people think about me when what other people think about me is Not who I actually am, and who I actually am is what really matters and that is something that I Live and Walk and Express day by day and I am essentially the Gatekeeper of Who I am and am Responsible for who I am and must answer to myself with regards to what I accept and allow of and as myself and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that Who I am and How I live moment to moment is really What Matters in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in the surface dimension of worrying what other people think about my art and if they think I am selling out when this is like an irrational fear that is actually removed from who I am and what I live in real physical substance day to day and moment to moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to influenced and directed by fear energy and anxiety energy in relation to what I thought or think people think about my art.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus too much on what my art looks like where it becomes a form of obsession where in I forget about ME and Taking Care of Myself and Working on points within myself to assist and support me to become and live to my utmost potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess over my art and if other people will like it, and end up neglecting Myself and Working with myself in a process of Self Creation to become a Self that I am Satisfied and Happy with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore working on my inner reality through regular Self Writing and Self Forgiveness as a point of actually supporting myself to Correct, Change, and Transform those parts of myself that I see are not what they could be or are supporting me within my utmost potential. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to work on these aspects of self, and just focus all of my attention outside of myself into my art, and art business.

I commit myself to LIVE HERE, and to when and as I see myself going into that dimension of obsessing about what others might think about my art, to stop and take and in breath, and within the exhale, I slow myself down and bring myself back to the moment and back to here and realize that what Really Matters is WHO I AM and that when I start worrying about what other people think about my art and how that reflects on me, I realize that here I am actually OFF POINT and so I bring myself back to THEE POINT which is ME and Self and Who I am within myself and How I am LIVING moment to moment and I commit myself to assist and support myself to place my attention HERE onto me and to assist and support myself to work on Myself and What Really Matters which is Who I am in each and every moment, So that I can stand and face myself and look myself in the Eye, and know that I am Living my Best Self and be actually truly Satisfied and Content with myself, and Love Myself.

Okay so the point that is actually coming through here, which I was thinking that this blog would be about anyways, is not so much about the relationship between ones passions and making money with ones passions, but rather when ones Passions become more important than SELF. Because I have been noticing this with myself lately where although I have been investing more time into my art which is cool, though, I have in a slight way have been neglecting the most important point which is ME and just working with myself on that Inner Deep level in a way where I am supporting ME within my Process of Personal Self Creation and Transformation and basically just working on WHO I AM in each and every breath.

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Are You Satisfied With YourSelf? – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 783

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Today I was looking at the word “Sedation” and how this word is currently existing within my own life in terms of how and when I see myself actually Living-out this word as going into, or participating with/within my reality in a way where I manifest this outcome of “Sedation”. Writing a blog, is Not an activity perpetuating this word “Sedation” within myself/my behavior/my life. Writing a blog is Self Directive and requires attention and self movement. In a way “Sedation” begins first as Distraction, and then you follow the distraction and become pre-occupied, and then snap yourself back to HERE, but then notice another distraction and then follow that, and I have noticed that if I do this enough times, I start to become comfortable in that distraction state, and then from there in going deeper into the distraction ends up as a kind of Sedation.

So Why does one have this tendency to not only want to distract oneself but actually move into this Deeper Sedation Experience.

Okay, now here I am noticing the MIND coming in.

The Judgements, the backchats in relation to how I have existed in this word Sedation in my own life.

One of the Judgements/Reactions is Fear. Fear that I will never get out. And that I will allow behaviors that are not bringing the best out of me and essentially Living a Fulfilling Life.

Because the ultimate question is simply – Am I Satisfied with myself?

And here I am not talking about where you are only satisfied with yourself if you are like the CEO of some multimillionaire company or president or like some super human achiever in this world. I am talking about a more Simple Satisfaction. Like Satisfied with your Day, that you worked on the things you wanted to, that you made your mistakes and forgave them…because I do see that “being satisfied” could still exist within a point of also having made mistakes, or making mistakes. Its a possibility.

So If I ask myself this question and the answer is No, I can look at my reality and look at the parts of my reality that contributed to this answer, because I do see here that this will encompass those parts of yourself that you are kind of on the fence about. Those parts of yourself that you Tell yourself you are okay with or that you can ‘manage’ but ultimately when you ask yourself “Am I Satisfied With Myself” those ‘on the fence’ parts of you or those parts of yourself that you have been tolerating and thinking “you can live with” will come up. At least that is something that I am noticing right now. So this can be a cool marker of what to cut out and what to keep.

So perhaps this would be a cool benchmark question to ask yourself a few times a day. Or once in the middle and then once in the evening to sort of give you some feedback within yourself of what of you really Do want to change about yourself  and no more just want to continue tolerating and allowing and just not finding that deeper reason to see that change through. Because that is something I have struggled with definitely. I will decide to change something about myself, but then after a while I forget my reason of why I wanted to change that point and then I will stop the whole change process – Though I do see this point of Being Satisfied with Self as a Cool Marker for what to leave and what to change where this point of Being Satisfied With Self can be that Deeper Reason, because I do see this as something that would be cool. To be really Truly Deeply Satisfied with Yourself through and through.

Driven by a Fear of Failure – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 778

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Recently I have started to investigate within myself who I have been throughout my life and what has been driving me all these years to have lived my life the way I have and become who I have become.

In my investigations I was looking at this aspect of myself where I always wanted to become the best that I could be, and really tap into the potential that exists within me as a Life Expression.

I am still very much driven to do this however one thing that I am seeing is that this ‘Drive’ to be and become my utmost potential is actually connected with FEAR.

If I look at who I am now in my life, I see that I often feel like I am not living to my full potential, and so within me there exists both a DESIRE to be this Ultimate Self, while at the same time Absolute FEAR that I will NOT do it, and that something, or more specifically I will get in my own way and prevent myself from realizing my Full Potential in this Life-Time.

When I was younger I also noticed this inner drive within me to realize my utmost potential. But even then there was a dimension of this that was connected with competition and being the best in relation to others, instead of being MY BEST, meaning where I Live in such a way that is Unique to me where I support my individual strengths and abilities specific to ME and who I am and where I am in my life where this could in no way be the exact same as someone else and so there is really no way to compare one selves ultimate potential with another’s but rather where Each ones Ultimate Potential is Specific to them.

So what does it mean to Live MY Ultimate Potential?

So in seeing this connection I have had to FEAR in terms of Driving Myself to be the Best I can be in my life, I am now seeing that I will have to revisit this question of what it means to really live and fulfil myself into my fullest Potential and to revisit this question from a point of Stability and Stillness. I am going to now place here a definition of the word “Freedom” that I see as a cool starting point for re-looking at this question for myself

“Freedom – moments that you have with yourself by taking a breath, slowing down and becoming still. In so doing you give yourself the gift of being able to look, reflect, direct and move with self awareness; ensuring that you have the freedom to make a decision without fear and accept the consequences of your thoughts, words and deeds. Trusting that whatever comes, whatever will be: I am here.” – School of Ultimate Living

So moving forward I am going to assist and support myself to remove FEAR out of the equation of what is motivating and driving me in attempting to become my utmost potential as I see that it doesn’t support in me being able to See Clearly and Direct myself in Awareness of Myself within this endeavor which is probably why after all these years, this Fear and Desire in relation to this point is still existing within me.

Till next time.

How PURPOSE Supports SELF MOVEMENT – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 709

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Today I was talking to one of my co-workers who has seemed to have run out of motivation to continue moving and driving himself within his job. In looking at the point and in trying to support him to get to some clarity about his experience and situation, I mentioned that what might support him is if he created a purpose for himself.

Now as I spoke to him about this, what was interesting is that I could see how this point of ‘creating purpose’ actually exists in different dimensions of my own life and that this has been a tremendous support for me.

My purpose in life is something that I am always refining and creating for myself day to day.

What I noticed about my own purpose is that it exists on many levels and dimensions of myself and my Life, From the more foundational level principles like “Doing What is Best For ALL” to the more surface level things, like, my purpose is to make a nice dinner, or to focus intently on this task I am doing.

So it is like a network of principles and purposes all connected together that supports me within my Self Movement within my day.

So it was quite cool to see how working on developing and creating this purposes in my life have grown into a literal support network for me in my life.

I have been busy with building this purpose for many years and I expect this process to continue changing and burgeoning as I go.

So with my friend today, what I was seeing is that he required to develop some purposes for himself, whether that’s something small, like, waking up early tomorrow, or something more existential like, my purpose is bring equality to earth. This is what I would, and did recommend to him, doing so because I have found this to be a really supportive point in my own life. Its similar or the same as goal setting.

Each goal, and each purpose becomes a strand. And as you create more goals and purposes you create more strands, and these strands connect and link and together, creating a broader and stronger stability within oneself in ones Self Movement and Expression within their lives. This is an outcome that I definitely see as something I will continue to create and endeavor to strengthen for and as myself and my life.

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The Principle of “Best For ALL” – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 631

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In this blog I am continuing with walking through each Principle stated in my “Desteni of Living” manifesto giving examples of how I have lived and incorporated each of the principles into my life throughout the past 6 years since being introduced to these principles. And so here sharing my experience in relation to committing myself to endeavor to walk live each of these principles and the affect that this has had on my life.

Here I am continuing with the second principle.

 “Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all”

When I became aware of this principle for the first time about 6 years it was really a complete ‘shift’ if you will from how I had been living my life up to that point in time, and I realized this within myself when I was introduced to this principle because actually, I had never herd of such a principle before in my entire life up to then, and I remember this thought that came up within me during that time of “how could I have never known about this?”

I had never before in my life ever considered structuring my living around this principle of “doing what is best for all”

Up until then I simply did ‘what was best for me” and never had in fact considered placing all of existence before me, and before my self interest. What was actually interesting to me at the time of being introduced to such a principle was how I had never considered this myself, that I could not recall this ever even being something that I looked it – It was like it simply did not exist in me what so ever – yet when it was shown to me it completely made sense.

And so I realized that the point here was to in fact place this Principle within and as the CORE of me, making this principle my foundation, my starting point, and I could see that within doing this, that this would change everything from the perspective of how our world currently exist. What I saw is that at the moment, every being did not have the principle of

“Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all”

As the very essence of who they were.

Instead each human being including myself was existing within the starting point of SELF INTEREST where this was guiding the decisions, and actions humanity.

There was no question that to incorporate this Principle into myself was a Solution for this mess that we had created here on earth, and so I endeavored to do just that.

I have by no means mastered this point.

Though it has been a guiding light you could say in my life with regards to how I have moved and directed myself since being introduced to this point.

Ultimately it has kept me HERE walking my process. And assisting and supporting myself within doing my Daily Writings as that point of Self Investigation and also assisting and supporting myself to integrate the process of applying Self Forgiveness and Self Correction into my life.

So for me I see this principle of Living what is best for all as a ‘guiding light’ from the perspective that Until I am standing absolutely as this point, this implies that there is more writing to be done, more self investigation, more support, more application necessary and so here I continue to walk my process, and do my writings, because I can see that there is still points within me and within my living that is not Stable in terms of a Constant Stand within and as this Principle of Living what is best for all in all ways, and so I do myself walking a process still, walking a road so to speak where the destination is me standing absolutely as this Principle.

In my next blog I will share some practical examples from my life of where I see this Principle has come through in terms of How I Live now compared to how I had previously lived in my life when Self Interest was that which I based my decision making on.

 

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What does it Mean to Have a Relationship with Oneself? – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 608

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A point started to come through recently in regards to the relationship that I have with myself. This concept of having a relationship with oneself for me has been a bit abstract at times since I was first introduced to this idea though recently I have started noticing/seeing an aspect of this that I had not as clearly seen before. So now it is to test this point out for myself to see if what I am seeing will actually produce a kind of change within myself, within my relationship to myself and my world within and through actually applying and exploring this point within my living.

The other day I was chatting with a friend and we were speaking about art and artists and the point of how for an artist it’s like they form a relationship with their art that is more important or valuable than the relationship that they actually have with themselves. And this is what I saw for myself and that this does not have to only be in relation to art but what I see is that this kind of relationship where “the thing one is doing” is the point that takes priority can be with all types of things one do in ones life where in this Self essentially becomes lost in relation to what one is doing. Self is forgotten about, ignored, missed, where all ones attention, for example with me in relation to my art – all my attention goes onto the art. Its about the art. And within this, I, myself go unnoticed where I don’t normally look at how I am experiencing myself or expressing Myself physically as I am making my art. I am more focused on the art piece and the results that are taking place there and then forming value according to how the art piece is turning out, not once giving any real value to myself within this. So here I see the necessity for a realignment of my priority here so to place Me as the primary focal point within my expression so to speak.

I want to place an excerpt from a blog I read last night which really supported me to start seeing what it means to have a relationship with oneself.

” Even other simple things can be a Self-Enjoyment, tending to one’s Physical Body – showering/bathing, really developing an equal and one relationship with the body as one wash oneself and really physically be here/present as one touch/caress/move with one’s Physical; when one go for walks/runs – to practise BREATHING, being HERE with the physical body as a self-enjoyment – in this, one transform one’s process of Self-Enjoyment into Physical Body equality and oneness, in being/becoming equal to and one with the Physical instead of participating in Mind Possessions when/as one should in fact be HERE with and as the Physical. – See more at: http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/11/self-enjoy-ment-part-2-day-221.html#sthash.ndk4tpV0.dpuf

 

Ok, so now what I was seeing when I read this is how with my art my total focus and attention gets placed outside of myself onto the art I am making and no attention or awareness is really placed here on myself where I am aware of myself as my human physical body in how I am expressing and moving myself in each moment, and so thus as I am making my art, I have no real relationship to Myself at all where in this I am really in fact neglecting myself. And so I end up living my life focusing my attention and awareness ‘out there’ onto what ever it is I might be doing in a moment and missing the one constant point that is Here within all of this – which is Me, Myself as my Human Physical Body. All this time, and I had never once considered making me the primary relationship as the point of focus and awareness within my living. The art I was making become more important than me, the food I eat became more important me, the people I was speaking to were more important than me, the TV I was watching was more important than more – all this time with my attention, focus and awareness ‘out there’

So the point that came through for me is to rather re-align my attention and my awareness onto myself Here as my Human Physical Body and thus re-align my self to have a more Direct Relationship with Myself in each moment.

How am I expressing myself when/as I am moving and directing my physical body as I am making art? How am I breathing? Am I comfortable in my body? Am I uncomfortable? How do I live and express enjoyment in and as my human physical body as I am making art, as I am driving my car, as I am cooking. How would I like to explore expressing me in this moment?

So here I want to test out this point of making Me as my human physical body the point of awareness and attention as I am move throughout my day no matter what it is, or what task I am doing, and so to within this assist and support myself to explore this point of establishing a DIRECT Relationship with Myself Here in each moment.

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Veiling Myself With Ideas of Who I Am – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 592

Here follows the Self Forgiveness I am applying on the points opened up in  – Artistic Integrity in a World of Consumerism – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 591

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others if my art is not up to a standard that I have created and hold within my mind that I perceive and believe will, when this art, meeting this standard is seen, stimulate in the minds of others an idea about me that I am superior and thus so I see myself as worthy, and here I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this ‘idea of myself’ that I want others to have of me when they see my art, direct and control me and actually result in me compromising myself within my life because I am so desperate to maintain this perceived idea about myself in the minds of others through the art I make, that I have been unwilling and unable  to align my artistic expression to a point of practicality in terms of aligning it more to the current context of our world in where for instance I create what sells not necessarily what is liked only, where I haven’t done this because I have been so possessed by maintaining and upholding a specific image I have of myself through the art I make, where if I change my expression and align it be more practical then I will no longer be able to maintain that idea about myself that I have become obsessed with maintaining through how I will be seen in relation to the specific art I make and through this how I will see myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really be concerned and fear what other people think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the idea that other people have about me, and particularly here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as and according to the idea that other people have of me in relation to the art I make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist making art that is more marketable and sellable because I believe that this will make my art ‘less’ which I resist doing because then also the idea that people form about me in relation to the art I make will also be ‘less’ and I fear that as I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this idea that people form about me in relation to the art I make is actually what defines me and who I am and within this I forgive myself  for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that who I am is existing here in every moment and that I am not in fact the idea that people hold of me within there minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that who I am is not defined by what other people think about me, not matter how nice or nasty there ideas of me are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my attention and thus myself to drift ‘out there’ thinking about and concerning myself with ideas I have within myself about what I believe other people are thinking about me and perceiving me to be where this became more important to me than who I actually am in every breath within and as Equality and Oneness where All life is in fact equal as the life force that exist equally within us all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself through attempting to stimulate opinions and ideas about me in others that are ‘positive’ or ‘good’ in this diverting my attention away from who I really am as that which I consist of and am accepting and allowing myself to exist as in every breath as all the dimensions, thoughts, emotions, feelings, judgements, beliefs, fantasies, memories, behaviors, inner conversations and all the various dimensions that I consist of where this is who I really am and is the point I should be focusing on and working with so to align this Self with and as and into the best version of myself which is the versions that stand within the principle of What is Best for ALL within and as Equality and Oneness.

I will continue in my next blog.

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