Using Self Forgiveness to See and Understand Me – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 820

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Today when I woke up I experienced a resistance to getting out of bed mixed with a depression energy. I decided that I would speak some Self Forgiveness on my drive to work and see if I could open up within me what this experience was all about as it has become something of a familiar experience recently in the mornings, particularly when I work.

Initially when I started speaking Self Forgiveness I wasn’t really seeing anything specific and the Self Forgiveness seemed routine and the same ol’ points. However I decided to continue speaking the self forgiveness and after a few minutes I started hitting on points that were more specific and I began seeing and understanding my experience, or at least understanding the point that I was seeing in that moment about my relationship to my own inner experiences and my relationship to my work.

One of the main dimensions that I was seeing within me in relation to my work was that I was stuck in a kind of perpetual blame cycle towards my job where I had at some point decided that “it was my jobs fault” that “its my job that is causing and creating my experience”, “it was my jobs fault that my life is the way it is”

So within the Self Forgiveness I came to understand that I was making my job “more than” me, blaming my job for my current experience and so me not Standing as THEE point within myself as the Source of who I am and my experiences, rather I was in a point of allowing myself to say that it was my job that was the main thing, that “I” was doing everything right and nothing wrong and  that it was my job that was causing and creating my experience, and if my job would just change or be different, then I could go back to an experience that I would prefer, in other words, I was effectively disempowering myself.

So yes, totally giving my power and my responsibility away to this external point within my reality. So the speaking of Self Forgiveness really supported me to see what I have been accepting and allowing of myself in relation to this aspect of my job and I also saw that, how could I reap the fruits that I desire or want from my job if I am constantly blaming and judging and angry towards my job?

That is like having a child and wanting to have a deep, fun, and enjoyable relationship with the child but then raising that child through blaming it, judging it, criticizing it, being angry at it, ect… eventually you are going to create a resentment within the child towards you so in essence,

How can I create the success I am wanting with my job if I am in direct conflict with the very thing I am wanting to support this end. It’s a contradiction. So this was an interesting dynamic to see in the my relationship with my job and realizing here that It’s up to ME to establish a more effective supportive relationship with this particular part of my job that I was in conflict with, beginning with stopping that relationship where I was giving all my power away through blame, by saying “its your fault” so rather, now accepting, and realizing, I am the ONE, I am the SOURCE of my experience and I am the SOURCE of the relationship I create towards, with, as my job and so I must start working with my experience, like that experience I have of resistance and depression in the mornings that I seem to wake up with where for instance if I see this experience coming up again, I know that its connected to and based on the points of blame and abdication of my Self Responsibility in relation to my job and so can support myself to change this through for example, speaking some self forgiveness  and correct myself in those moments and Direct Myself to Stand as the  SOLE Creator of experience and so 100% responsible for them and my relationships that exist as me within my life.

So now going forwards after seeing this today, I am now going to practice identifying that ‘blame signature’ of this particular experience that has been coming through lately so that I can make sure to ALIGN myself according to Supporting myself and Standing as SELF RESPONSIBLE for Myself and my Experience and my Relationship to my Job so that  I can stop and change this experience and see how I can support myself to change my relationship to/within my job so that it is Supportive!

 

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An Artists Demons – OBSESSION – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 381

 

The Artist -  Acrylic, Charcol on Paper, 36x24in,2010

When and as I see myself becoming possessed with a ‘feeling’ like a ‘Drive’ within myself to have my paintings be as good as Claude Monet’s paintings, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that this ‘feeling as a drive’ is a point that I accepted and allowed myself to participate with and construct within my past where when my direction in art and in my life was more primarily ‘ego based’ and where I was not yet aware of the mind and energy and my relationship towards it. I realize that my life is much different now and that although Claude Monet’s paintings or anybody else for that matter who’s paintings that I admired and wanted to be equal to in skill and ability, although I can use this as a reference point to improve myself, I must remain Stable within myself within my application within painting and to make sure that it is practical within the context of what I am now walking within my life within the context of assisting and supporting myself to stop my mind system, and also thus the current accepted and allowed world system and to rather establish myself as the directive principle of myself standing, living and existing as an example of Change within the context of what is best for all, thus assisting and supporting also the bringing forth of a world system that is best for all.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to become the Directing Principle of me within the context of my Art so that I no more accept and allow myself to be directed or influenced or moved by ‘emotions and feelings’ that become like points driving me to move myself within my application of painting, but to rather Stabilize myself within my application of painting so that it becomes PRACTICAL and a Supplemental Support to my Overall Process I am busy walking of Establishing myself as my starting point and the directive principle of me within the context of What is Best for ALL within and as Equality and Oneness.

So when I look at this ‘Drive to Excel’ in painting that comes up within me I see it as a kind of possession and an inability to ‘let go’ This point even came up again today, where its like I just want perfection in the point I am working with. And I can see so much room for improvement and the potential within me to walk those improvement points. However what I also see is a disconnection within the point of Self Patience. And also the point of making this point of more value than it actually is, where its like I become obsessed in a way and want to and MUST have it perfect, MUST have it better where its like this urge kind of possess me within myself and compel me and influence me to move myself within my application of painting instead of just being HERE in and as the physical in absolute stability where there is nothing DRIVING me but that I am simply here directing myself within the practical consideration of how to direct myself within painting as a Supplemental Support for my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created within myself as WANT and URGE where things MUST be Perfect or MUST be better where I become possessed with this “Making things better or perfect” particularly within the context of painting where I have in essences become ‘taken over’ by this want and this urge, instead of me being OK with where I am within the point and for instance am able to walk away in one breath from ‘pursuit’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not get my paintings to look a certain way, in comparison to other artists that this someone define who I am, and thus makes me unworthy, or rather that if I do get my paintings to look a specific way in comparison to other artists that this in fact make me worthy, and here have again accepted and allowed myself to participate in a Value System, that I have constructed within the mind where VALUE is something that is Comparative in relation to others, instead of Value being the Value of LIFE within and as Equality and Oneness where ALL LIFE IS EQUAL.

I commit myself to SLOW myself down within application of painting, from the perspective of assisting and supporting myself to regain directive principle of myself within this endeavour no more accepting and allowing myself to be Driven by the Possessed Artist Syndrome where I must paint, I have to, I just have to get better, I have to change it, I cannot handle how it looks now, where its like I become possessed with this entire network of thoughts, back-chats, feelings, energies that I have accepted and allowed myself to MAKE MY DECISIONS FOR ME, instead of me being my Directive Principle when it comes to my application within painting and also my LIFE.

I commit myself to stop ‘giving myself over’ to this obsessive possessed must have perfect, must be better state that I have accepted and allowed myself to create around the point of art, and thus here no more accepting and allowing myself to just go along with this ‘experience’ that comes over me which I have justified as being ‘right’ where I kind of just ‘let myself go’ and go into this experience, into this state of mind, into this State of the Artists where I am not more practically looking at and investigating my reality and the consequences of my application but rather just relinquishing all directive principle to this possessed state of being, not questioning it, just going with it, and believing that “there is some benefit to this.

 

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Seeing Reality for What it Really Is – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 339

So this evening I was speaking on the phone to someone about a point that I was looking at taking on in my life. As I was speaking about it, I was communicating about all the points and I could see that I was quite enthusiastic about this particular point. But what I noticed is that the entire time I was communicating about this point, that there was like a more inherent belief within myself where I believe/believed that “It will never work out” so the entire time as I am speaking and communicating about this point and explaining all the stuff involved, in the background within myself there is like this different “Character” running, so to speak, where its like there is this inherent belief that “its not going to work” where its like this “impending glooming failure” actually existing within me towards the point. So it was just interesting to see these “2 different worlds” like as soon as I got off the phone I could see this “behind the scenes” dialog now more prominently.
So the question I have is
Which one is Real?
Or which on is Dominant.
So quite interesting to notice this. That in my direct communication I was quite enthusiastic but once the conversation was over, it was like this gloomy, doomy, doubtful, aspect of my perceptions around this point that I was discussing, emerged.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have many characters within me feeding my overall impression or interpretation on points in my world, where its like I am listening to the different “takes” on the points that exist within my world where I eventually form my perception of particular points based on which characters as voices, opinions, emotions, experiences become dominant within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my inner doubts and doomy and gloomy character to come out and ruin opportunities that come up within my world, where in a way I fear that these doomy gloomy voices are right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to tell if I am ‘seeing direct’ or if I am looking at a point through polarity in either sugar coating it with a ‘positive outlook’ or vilifying it with a ‘negative outlook’ and that I have not established a Stability within myself of SEEING DIRECT how things actually are and in this being able to assess effectively without basing my Seeing or Decisions based on my Seeing, on Opinions or Preferences that I have about something that would interfere with actually SEEING DIRECT How things actually are.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to practice SEEING DIRECT, where in this when ever I am walking within my world to observe where and as I am looking through the eyes of polarity where I am seeing things as either negative or positive, instead of simply seeing things for what/how they are directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed HOPE to influence what I see and how I see and perceive my world and reality.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to Breath and walk/navigate my world using common sense and to identify where and how I use ENERGY as either a positive or negative to interfere with WHAT IS REALLY HERE, in terms of how I see my Life/Environment.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to establish Stability and Trust within myself in relation to WHAT I AM SEEING, so that I can in fact know that when I look at something in my world that it is not clouded with opinions, judgement, hope, fear, love, positive, negative but that it is a direct seeing of what is really here and that I simply taking into account the practical parts of the equation and Direct myself accordingly to produce the most effective results in a way that is Best for ALL.

 

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Thinking About My Life from My Bedroom – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 320

Here I am continuing with looking at the various dimensions of the point/character of “I need to be alone” where I will go into my room where this becomes a point of actually hiding from my reality and my responsibilities.

In this blog I am continuing with the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrections on the Imagination Dimension.

Imagination Dimension
looking at all the things I can do when I finally get to my room. Like watching a movie or going on the internet or writing on my computer. Basically seeing the things I could do to relax, even sleeping.
Sometimes I just think about how nice it would be to just be able to get home and just go to sleep where I would not have to face or think about anything and I could just close my eyes and really just “let go” as that it the ultimate point of letting go of my responsibilities and obligations is just sleeping and not having to think about anything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit in my room and think about my life in my imagination, thinking about how hopeless it all seem, and thus within this just want to stay in my room and never come out. Wishing my world would just sort itself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play-out the different Responsibilities that I have in my life like for instance my Job, playing these out in my imagination and in doing this create resistance inside me and then just want to stay in my room and not go out and face these Responsibilities that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit in my room and creating various energetic experiences around through thinking about them within my imagination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create resistance inside myself towards the “outside world” through by thinking and participating within my imagination where as a result I more and more pull myself back and want to extract myself from reality then having to face and deal with these experiences that I am actually generating through and within playing out various different scenarios in my imagination and so I end up just wanting to stay in my room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit in my room and think about the points in my imagination that I should in fact be out and practically directing in real physical time.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to using my room as an escape room to escape from my reality, and to assist and support myself to get myself out of my room and actually participating within my practical physical reality, something that I actually have accepted and allowed myself to define useless to do, and that “it is a waste of time” and that “I can be more productive in my room”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that “there is nothing” in my reality and world anyways that is worth going out of my room to direct, and so just stay in my room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see everything that I think about doing in my practical reality as useless, pointless and a waste of time, and so just stay in my room where “I can be safe”

 

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Physical Behaviours of Postponement Self Correction – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 169

This blog is a continuation of the following blogs

The Physical Behaviours of Postponement – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 16

Experience of Heaviness in Postponement (Self Corrections) – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 167

Postponement Character – Reaction Dimension SF – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 166

Postponement – Back-Chat Self Corrections – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 165

BackChatAttack – Self Forgiveness – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 164

The Resistance Before I Write – Postponement Character – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 163

Postponement Character – Imagination Dimension – Self Corrections – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 162

Imagination Dimension – Postponement Character – Imagining Myself as Changed – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 161

Postponement Character – Thought Dimension – Sabotaging My Effectiveness : An Artists Journey To Life: Day 160

Postponement Character – Fear Dimension – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 159

Physical Behavior : Laying back in my bed where I am usually reclining and or slouching.

I see/realize/understand that this physical behavior of laying back/slouching in my bed is a physical behavior of and as my Postponement Character and not a Physical Behaviour/Positioning of one who is Directing Self Effectively within the task at hand, especially/particularly here in relation to writing/reading which is often what I am doing while at the computer while sitting on my bed. I commit myself to when and as I get home and am taking my position on the bed to start my writing/reading projects etc on the computer to physically sit myself up straight to support myself effectively within the task (s) I am busy with so that I can support me to work effectively within these tasks where I am Specific and Directive and to the point. Something that I see is allot less probable within accepting and allowing myself to sink down into a slouching/laying back position in my bed, which also make it more probable for me to “start getting tired” due to me not being Self Aware and HERE in those moments and thus leaving the door open for me to just drift around in my mind, instead of Directing myself in HEREness within the tasks I have before me. I also see that ultimately it does not matter if I sit in my bed or at a desk, either way I am able to be Here and Aware of Myself and in this Self Directive, where in this case while I do not have a desk I am able to Direct myself to Sit up Straight in my bed and ensure that I am not allowing myself to sink/slouch down. I see/realize/understand that I resist sitting up straight and being here within my task of “working on the computer” as I am resisting that point of actually Directing Myself in Self Awareness, because then I must support myself instead of accepting and allowing my mind to direct me or have a say in what I am doing/how I am directing me which is possible when I am not Self Aware and Here while sitting on my bed after work and working on my writing and reading projects.

When and as I see myself existing in the experience of “not wanting to move myself out of my lying/slouching down position when it is time to get to work” I stop participating in this/giving my attention to this, and bring myself as my attention back to here and I take a breath, I realize that it is most effective to actually ensure that I have an effective posture to assist and support myself to actually move/direct myself to my utmost potential in the tasks that I am working on, and that if I am “half assed” in supporting me within my physical body posture in relation to working that it is likely that I will/may also be “half-assed” in my actual writing/reading application and thus I physically sit myself up straight so that I am HERE and ready to Direct Myself Specifically and Effectively and to the point, and in this giving myself the opportunity to actually work with myself effectively, and getting the most out of my assignments and readings because I am actually HERE and Self Present while working on them, and not accepting and allowing myself to wonder off somewhere into my mind.

I see/realize/understand that I am Responsible for my Physical Behavior and Posture where ever I am, and it does not matter if I am on a bed or at a desk. I also see that I do have resistance to the entire desk point because it is much less likely that I would allow myself to sink/slouch down due the nature of sitting in a chair simply being more aligned with sitting up straight and thus a dimension of the resistance here that I see is related to the resistance to actually “Getting Down To Business” where instead “I’d rather” allow myself to procrastinate and thus I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to develop the physical behavior of “sitting up straight” in where I actually do this as a point/part of Taking Responsibility for myself and Directing myself to get my assignments done within and as effective self direction, and not allowing myself to “do this half assed” which I see/realize/understand does not in fact support me at all as I never get anywhere within accepting and allowing myself to do my assignments/working with myself in a ‘half-asses’ way.

I commit myself to explore “desk potentials” in my environment with the Directive of setting up some Desk placement up in my room, even if this is just a temporary point, as I see that this would make my work space much more effective and organized and support in me in having an environment that effectively support me within my process of Self Realization/ Getting to know and take responsibility for myself.

Physical Behavior: -Searching on the internet or tv for “something…anything” so not specific direction within this – more
just ‘browsing around’

When and as I see myself browsing around on the tv or internet in a way where I am just postponing the inevitable, I stop and I take a breath and I immediately direct myself to start the point that I know must be done but am wanting to avoid. I see/realize/understand that the point will never go away. That it will just sit there as it is until I actually Direct Myself to Give Direction to the point. Within this I also see that if I go to give direction to the point and I just go and try “to get it over with” that this is not in fact giving Effective Direction to the point but again just trying to “get it out of the way” which I see is also related to this entire point of “postponement” where the point is that I am not actually Bringing Myself HERE and walking a point in Actual Self Awareness. I see/realize/understand that until I walk points/a point in self awareness, I will not have actually effectively directed that point and thus will still require to give it direction where in I stop postponing the point and actually, Stop, Breathe, Bring Myself HERE Move myself within the point within and as My Full Attention. And thus I commit myself to when and as I see myself browsing around on the tv or internet for not reason but to avoid/postpone the inevitable, I stop and I bring myself HERE into and as MY FULL Attention Here as this is Key to be here in and as my FULL ATTENTION, and thus to within my Full Attention then Move/Direct me to complete the tasks which I am required to do.

Physical Behavior: Pacing Around The House

When and as I see myself pacing around the house where it is like I am trapped in “no mans land” I stop and I Direct myself to sit down and look at what specifically I can do to Direct a point of responsibility that I am not doing/or either avoiding doing. I then Breath and Ensure that I am Completely Here in my Full Attention, and then thus Direct myself to actually take on a task/point in specific Action where I Go and do that thing specifically and to the point, and within this assist and support myself to be More Self Directive and also within and as this to be within my Full Attention as I see that this is a key point in my Establishing myself as actually being Effective within my Application of My Process of Self Change/Support.

Physical Behavior: Snacking on food – like going to and looking in the fridge for nothing in particular.

When and as I see myself wanting to go to the fridge for food as a point to ‘escape’ what it is that I am doing, I stop and I breathe. I Check within myself if this point of going to the fridge for food is a practical point, or if it is simply a point of postponing. I commit myself to assist and support myself to remain here within and as Self Stability while working on projects and not accepting and allowing myself to be constantly directed/distracted by the automated thoughts/points that come up within my mind, like for instance the thought of me going to the fridge where then I’d actually Act out that Physical Behavior by following that thought and thus physically going to the fridge, and so thus I commit myself to determine when this thought/point of “going to the fridge for food” is simply the mind and thus I commit myself to stop myself from obeying my mind as the point of going to the fridge for food, and thus assist and support myself to direct Myself within my Physical Behaviors.

I see/realize/understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to “follow my mind” in this case within the physical behavior of and as Postponement by “going to the fridge for food” when/while in the middle of doing something like working on some project/task/assignment etc… I see that this is a pre-programmed / automated thought/mind point that come up within me that I would often follow/ that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically act out to the degree where this behavior has become an accepted and allowed mind distraction and postponement where I am following my mind and living out/as My Postponement Character instead of assisting and supporting me to remain Here, Stable and directing myself within the task before me.
And so thus I commit myself to stop utilizing “food” / “going to the fridge” as an excuse to excuse myself from being HERE in and as my FULL Attention and effectively working with myself in my process of self change/support, and thus to Change My Living Physical Behavior from That of My Postponement Character within and as “going to the fridge for food” to Physically Living Self Discipline within and as Self Support within Sticking to the Task that I am walking and assisting and supporting myself to be more Directive within my process of writing/reading/self support instead of accepting and allowing myself to “go off somewhere else” like to the fridge for food as a point of postponement/escape form being Here and Facing myself in having my Full Attention Here and investigating/working with myself in my process of writing, self forgiveness, self correction etc…

In the next blog I will be having a look at the Consequence Dimension of My Postponement Character.

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