Using Self Forgiveness to See and Understand Me – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 820

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Today when I woke up I experienced a resistance to getting out of bed mixed with a depression energy. I decided that I would speak some Self Forgiveness on my drive to work and see if I could open up within me what this experience was all about as it has become something of a familiar experience recently in the mornings, particularly when I work.

Initially when I started speaking Self Forgiveness I wasn’t really seeing anything specific and the Self Forgiveness seemed routine and the same ol’ points. However I decided to continue speaking the self forgiveness and after a few minutes I started hitting on points that were more specific and I began seeing and understanding my experience, or at least understanding the point that I was seeing in that moment about my relationship to my own inner experiences and my relationship to my work.

One of the main dimensions that I was seeing within me in relation to my work was that I was stuck in a kind of perpetual blame cycle towards my job where I had at some point decided that “it was my jobs fault” that “its my job that is causing and creating my experience”, “it was my jobs fault that my life is the way it is”

So within the Self Forgiveness I came to understand that I was making my job “more than” me, blaming my job for my current experience and so me not Standing as THEE point within myself as the Source of who I am and my experiences, rather I was in a point of allowing myself to say that it was my job that was the main thing, that “I” was doing everything right and nothing wrong and  that it was my job that was causing and creating my experience, and if my job would just change or be different, then I could go back to an experience that I would prefer, in other words, I was effectively disempowering myself.

So yes, totally giving my power and my responsibility away to this external point within my reality. So the speaking of Self Forgiveness really supported me to see what I have been accepting and allowing of myself in relation to this aspect of my job and I also saw that, how could I reap the fruits that I desire or want from my job if I am constantly blaming and judging and angry towards my job?

That is like having a child and wanting to have a deep, fun, and enjoyable relationship with the child but then raising that child through blaming it, judging it, criticizing it, being angry at it, ect… eventually you are going to create a resentment within the child towards you so in essence,

How can I create the success I am wanting with my job if I am in direct conflict with the very thing I am wanting to support this end. It’s a contradiction. So this was an interesting dynamic to see in the my relationship with my job and realizing here that It’s up to ME to establish a more effective supportive relationship with this particular part of my job that I was in conflict with, beginning with stopping that relationship where I was giving all my power away through blame, by saying “its your fault” so rather, now accepting, and realizing, I am the ONE, I am the SOURCE of my experience and I am the SOURCE of the relationship I create towards, with, as my job and so I must start working with my experience, like that experience I have of resistance and depression in the mornings that I seem to wake up with where for instance if I see this experience coming up again, I know that its connected to and based on the points of blame and abdication of my Self Responsibility in relation to my job and so can support myself to change this through for example, speaking some self forgiveness  and correct myself in those moments and Direct Myself to Stand as the  SOLE Creator of experience and so 100% responsible for them and my relationships that exist as me within my life.

So now going forwards after seeing this today, I am now going to practice identifying that ‘blame signature’ of this particular experience that has been coming through lately so that I can make sure to ALIGN myself according to Supporting myself and Standing as SELF RESPONSIBLE for Myself and my Experience and my Relationship to my Job so that  I can stop and change this experience and see how I can support myself to change my relationship to/within my job so that it is Supportive!

 

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The Weekend Crash – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 811

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So today is one of the more difficult days in my week because it’s ‘the weekend’. In recent blogs I have been writing about the point of motivation and some of the principles I have utilized over the years to support myself within my application with my Job and the process of developing an art business. Now one aspect of this whole process has been realizing that my ‘success’ within my work should not be at the expense of my success in other things.

So for example I have found often that I can become quite effective at my application at work, but then when I am at home, its like “I don’t know what to do with myself” and actually one of my struggles is getting through my days off without completely sinking into laziness, depression, idleness, where at times I end up in this experience of putting ALL my effort into my work week and then when I get to the weekend, I collapse. And am pretty much useless.

So a process I am still working on for myself is to develop more of a consistency within my LIFE EXPRESSION where there isn’t a polarity or division between who I am at work and who I am at home or who I am during the work week versus on the weekends.

I find I have the tendency to be single minded and because of this I do not expand myself into other expressions and so there is no balance to my life in terms of where I am allocating my efforts. Rather it’s like Work and Art is KING and then there is everything else. And often I want to rush through doing other things like cooking for myself or doing some other activity or spending time socializing because I have compartmentalized my life into “me at work” and “me resting” and then maybe a few other points but then this becomes a kind of polarity where on the weekends I only rest and do nothing else, and then during the week I work and I do nothing else and then they become likes extremes. Or at least this is an assessment of my situation in looking at what could be contributing to my Weekend Crashes or even my lack of enthusiasm towards doing anything other than what I have defined my life to be as Work and Rest.

So this is a point I am still finding a balance with and still in the process of creating for myself where I am more consistent within my experience of myself instead of jumping back and forth between the “work experience” and “rest experience”

I can see here that I could actually benefit from Redefining the word REST or RELAX because my current definition of this is simply me laying around doing nothing. So here I see I can include activities and expressions that are more supportive both physically and mentally because actually ‘laying around’ is not supportive when its all your doing and then you end up, as I do, sinking into boredom or depression or idleness, So yes, Here seeing a New approach to ‘Resting’ and ‘Relaxing’ where this just doesn’t have to be meaning that I must do as little as possible. Okay cool, so pulled through some Direction with this point. I will continue with this either here in blogs to come or in my own personal writings which I utilize also in opening up and understanding points.

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Creating Stability in Myself and My Own Life First – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 810

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Today an unexpected guest stopped by the carving studio as I was working. It was a fellow artist who used to carve with us a couple years ago. He was driving through the area on his way to do some travelling.

Seeing him caused me to reflect upon my life and my life style and how I have approached my life and situation the past four years where since getting the opportunity to create sculptures for a gallery here where I live and to sell my work, that has been my primary focus for the past four years, with very little deviation in terms of my direction and pursuit of creating and building this point up into something stable and substantial.

For me, this opportunity to create art is significant and I have been really quite single minded in developing it into its full potential which I do not see I have reached by any means as of yet.

For me, early on in my life I was a bit more transient where now my focus is more on getting grounded, stable, and establishing some roots.

I suppose this ‘mentality’ or direction with my life was birthed out of my participation with walking the Desteni Process where I have been introduced to many principles which I have taken to heart and began implementing in my life.

As I have continued to walk this process with Desteni, I have more started viewing my life as an opportunity to take responsibility for myself, my life and others as well.

This approach I can see stems from the principle of “Doing What is Best For ALL” where I have began to align my life to this principle, where to begin Doing What is Best For ALL, I see this point of first being able to Support Myself and to Learn how to create Stability within my own life and so this is what I have been developing and creating and practicing.

So for me, creating myself and my life into a point of Stability is something I see as valuable for myself and others.

This doesn’t mean that I am not able to express and live and explore different aspects and ways of life. But I do see that this approach of Taking Responsibility For Myself and My life and Doing what is best for all,  lead me to focus on creating and establishing the point I am walking now with my art business into something that is stable and can support me to live in this world and be a functioning member of society. Its like, ‘step 1’.

So when my friend showed up today and caused me to reflect on my own life path. These are some of the points that came up in terms of looking at why I decided to stick to this sculpture point where this has been my primary focus for the last four years.

And it really is still a day to day process where I just walk day by day and do what is here and direct what is here and move myself within this Principle of Doing What is Best for ALL, which as I mentioned I see means firstly that I must Direct my own life and create a certain stability within Myself and my own Life.

 

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Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential

Expanding Your Supply of Solutions – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 805

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So lately I have been walking this point of ordering more supplies for my business which allows everything to continue to flow normally. But there is a delay on the supplies arriving which isn’t the first time this has happened with some of the suppliers I work with. So when and as this is happening I have been firstly practicing not allowing myself to go into a reaction towards the particular suppliers and essentially start demanding that my supplies arrive in a reasonable time-frame. There are moments where I see these reactions coming up within me, but I continue to support myself to not act out of these reactions.

So one dimension of this that is coming up now as I write, is the questions of “Where do I do the same thing” Where do I procrastinate with certain projects, tasks, and points that not only affect me but affect others as well, because I can see that I still do allow procrastination in my own life, and so this is a cool Starting Point for me to create a Solution for these outflows that I am walking now where my supplies seems to be arriving late which has been a pattern now for about a year.

For instance, I could actually just order my supplies doubly early. If I have identified a pattern of the movement of certain supplies, then I could make sure that I am keenly on top of it, and essentially doing what is within my power to Ensure that I am always stocked on supplies.

I also noticed that I can also branch out and reach out to other suppliers who could provide a supplemental support for when I need certain supplies within a specific time-frame. This is something that I haven’t yet done.

Because if a few months down the road I am in the same boat, it is obvious that it has nothing to do with the suppliers but rather my lack of action to find solutions to the point.

So here is a good example of how its so easy to blame others for our experiences and problems where we do this without getting to the point of doing everything in our power to Take Responsibility for Our Own lives to the best of our ability.

So this is has definitely been a Key for me in the Process that I have walked with Desteni over the years where I have been supported to and have since began to bring points back to myself and look at where and how I can support me to find Solutions and Take Responsibility for my life instead of just going into blaming someone else. This has actually had quite a massive impact on my life because here even in this situation with my suppliers, this could have easily in the past ended up with me just going into blame and so not bringing the point back to myself which is a missed opportunity for self expansion because in bringing the points back to myself I am actually EXPANDING myself through looking at WHAT I CAN DO for myself and for others in terms of Living Solutions and trying out new things or changing my own tendencies and patterns to be overall more supportive.

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
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SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential

Life Doesn’t Move in a Perfectly Straight Line – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 802

 

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Today at the end of the day at work today, I decided that I was far enough along in my stone sculpture that I wanted to get a good look at the coloration of the stone and what it would look like when it was finished.

So I retrieved some water and poured it over the stone which for a moment enhances the color of the stone until it drys again. Right away I noticed a marking that ran along the sculpture in a certain way and I started to react.

The reaction was strong.

I was frustrated, angry, and enraged at this marking on the sculpture. This is not the first time I have actually had this experience in relation to a piece that I am working on where I start noticing that the natural markings and colorations of the stone are aligning, from my perspective, in an undesirable way.

I was so frustrated.

So I got home and a couple hours later I was chatting about it with my partner and my starting point within the discussion was still based on this reaction that I was having where I was quite disgruntled and telling my partner how “now my sculpture is ruined” and I was just so angry and frustrated. And basically everything within me and coming out of me as my words where infused with an energy of resentment, blame, frustration, angry, hopelessness, irritation, ect.

Now obviously the sculpture isn’t ruined, I was actually just stuck in this reaction. And so for a moment as I was speaking with my partner, I stopped and asked myself what this reaction was showing me about Who I am and where I am from the perspective of how and why would I be having such a reaction. And so I looked at what it was showing me, and essentially that is what I am here doing with this blog. I am opening up this reaction and looking at why I would accept and allow such a reaction within me and what it is showing me about myself.

One point I notice here straight away is that one reason I would have such a strong reaction in relation to this piece is because its like “I have everything riding on it” where I can see that I have kind of tunnel visioned onto this piece and in this made this one single project into A MAJOR POINT.

So here I can acknowledge for myself that my life isn’t built on ‘one single point’ but is constructed of multiple aspects and points and so things don’t often really ride on ‘one single point’. So this is a cool point to take with me moving forwards as the realization that there is always many elements that go into my life.

As I mentioned, this is not the first time I have had such a reaction towards one of the sculptures I am working on.

However, this is something that I see I can change and would like to change. Meaning I can see that I have ‘placed everything into this sculpture’ and basically made this one piece a “make or break” situation where “if this doesn’t work out I am doomed”

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and experience myself walking such a thin line within myself and my life in relation to success or failure where I feel like things are always so fragile and teetering on the edge in every moment, here not acknowledging the actually Stability of My life which I insist doesn’t exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry when one of my sculptures doesn’t go exactly as planned and work out perfectly, because in my mind, I have equated this to a set-back, where then I go into a reaction within me and think “why does this always happen to me” and essentially go into a point of victimization and disempowerment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like my life is always hanging in the balance, and that If one thing is out of place, then everything will fall down and collapse where this experience was reflected to me in my sculpture where the natural flow of the stone was not what I wanted, and I reacted in thinking “everything is ruined” and that this one apparent misalignment will now be my doom.

Here I can also consider how this experience I was having in relation to my life, exists also in the “inner self” so this can be a mental note for myself to see if I can pin-point this “things hanging in the balance, state” existing in my inner reality and how I deal with or direct my inner world, where one wrong move can throw everything off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be grossly impatient with the growth of my business venture/ art business which was indicated by my reaction today where I reacted to my sculpture not looking exactly perfect because to me this represented a ‘SET-BACK’ which I just couldn’t handle and went into a reaction of frustration and anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire things to be different in my life to the degree where I react whenever I perceive I have a set-back that slows me down from reaching my goals and creating my life the way I want it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept the fact that Life isn’t perfect, meaning that the process of creating a business or creating my life the way I want, or creating myself,  isn’t just going to go from point ‘a’ to point ‘b’ seamlessly without anything in between. In fact, life presents many obstacles, and so I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be more patient with myself within creating my business and life where I see, realize, and understand that things don’t always move in a straight line.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I was too focused on where I was going, that I forgot about LIFE HERE, in the moment. And how life actually functions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subtly not want to be in my life, and so desire things to be different to the degree where the desire becomes dominant and then I react when outcomes don’t materialize as fast as possible or along the shortest route, here essentially I am judging where I am at in my life as not good enough and that “things will be better once I achieve this or that”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I was focused too much “in the future” which was shown to me by how I reacted to a perceived set-back where it was like “I couldn’t handle it” I couldn’t handle having to re-walk a point or take longer in my pursuit of a goal, and so I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to find a better way to creating goals and outcomes than to ‘pursue’ them where when I am in pursuit of such points, I forget about my reality right here, and I forget to LIVE HERE walking breath by breath and moment by moment.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to embrace Set-Backs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create set-backs in my life through by approaching things the way that I do where I perceive a mistake or an unexpected turn of direction as a set-back instead of simply a natural process of life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to account for the mistakes, and unexpected turns which are natural within life expression and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into CONTROL in relation to my life and creating my life and business.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write about being more Patient, but then ‘lose it’ when something goes wrong because I am actually not being Patient in the grand scheme of things, meaning where creating self and life takes time and takes a process and isn’t always going to be a straight line.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed about money, and so when I experience a ‘set-back’ in my mind that is an obstacle or “more time” now until I am satisfied with my life and business instead of practicing this point of being Satisfied with my Process of Self Creation in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become invested in a “Future Projection” instead of just taking things day by day and moment by moment, and EMBRACING and LIVING ‘IN’ My Days instead of just using my days to get somewhere else in the future, but within this forgetting to be and live HERE.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to give more attention to my Day, and stop seeing it as ‘just another day’ to be used to get somewhere else, and so ultimately am missing the day where I am just seeing it as resource to get to some future point, but within this kind of judging where I am at, and judging the elements of my life instead of Embracing them, and Embracing all the parts of my life that comprise it.

I commit myself  to STOP, to Breathe, to BE HERE, to Embrace what is here as the moment, and as each day and stop being so hell bent on getting somewhere else, but rather practice Honoring Each Day.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself reacting to one of my sculptures as if there is something about it that is “going to set me back” to stop in such moments, Breathe, and realize that if I am having that experience than this is showing me that I am not Honoring and Truly EMBRACING where I am at in my life/process of Creation,  And so I commit myself practice Embracing MY Day, and VALUING my Day more than I Value a future Projection in my mind that is not even real.

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Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
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Infinite Moments of Patience – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 801

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In my recent blogs I have been opening up the mysteries of “Patience” and looking at what stories I have missed and how I can create myself to be more patient within myself and my life. I ended off my last blog looking at the dimension of “Personal Patience” which I see as where patience is lived within self on a fundamental level of self and isn’t so much related to external points, such as for example being patient when starting new projects or when walking towards ones external life goals.

For myself I have noticed a tendency for me to always be looking at or thinking about “how my life could be better” and also how I could make more money or achieve more external successes where this kind of preoccupation has become a kind of obsession in a way.

Why?

Why am I so driven to achieve these external successes to the degree where I experience a desperation, essentially feeling like I am missing something without them?

So this is why I have here been looking at this word Patience on a more personal level or would like to explore this a bit more. Like how do I walk/live patience each day?

When I am at home, when I am communicating with my partner, or someone else, when I am doing the dishes, reading a book, walking to my car, driving, listening to music. Am I impatient within these tasks as well? How about when I am writing a blog? Am I patient with myself.

Last night I did get a bit flustered at the end of my blog where I felt a bit hasty at the end.

So perhaps this is where I could focus my application of Living and Integrating this word Patience into myself and life more. I can focus my application on my day to day, moment to moment of who I am as this word Patience. And here I can practice walking Patience in ALL moments in my life, not just in the big projects or opportunities that open up. But here I can investigate how to Live Patience from moment to moment, breath by breath, because I can see there is multitudes upon multitudes of moments where ‘Patience’ can be lived. Ultimately the moments seem infinite.

 

Patience:

To Live and Express this word as myself is to ‘take a moment’ and settle down, and breathe, when I see myself becoming anxious. And this is definitely a key indicator of Impatience, when I notice that flare of anxiety flowering up within me. Here I can take a breath and settle Myself back into my Physical Body so that I am settled and calm and GROUNDED in relation to what ever point is causing/creating the anxiousness. And What ever point I am facing/walking in the moment.

So here I do see these 2 experiences, where when Patience is where I am STILL, and Settled and GROUNDED within myself, and centered. And Impatience is where I go into anxiousness or restlessness.

So here I can practice creating and directing myself into and as this Grounded, Settled, Centered, and STILL experience/stance within myself as I walk/live moment to moment.

So I have some DIRECTION with this point and with this experience that initially started off these investigations into patience where I found myself Rushing at work a few days ago wanting to just get everything done already where this rushing and FORCING things actually caused a strain on my Physical body, and so here I am after walking through some dimensions of this point to here where I am moving forwards and remembering in a way to implement and practice Living the word Patience more in my moment to moment life.

Now another WORD that is coming through here that I can explore in blogs to come is related to this word patience and I can see more specifically in relation to just wanting to have all my projects complete and done already and just wanting to know if everything is going to work out or not is the word COMPLETION. Or even the word CONTENT because yes, I am often busy pursing my external and even my internal life goals and within that I can practice living this word PATIENCE, but also to consider how at times I am driven by an experience of lack, of feeling like I need to arrive somewhere or that when I have gained this or that, then I will be satisfied and complete and then I can rest and take my time. So here the points I see is Living Completion and being CONTENT in each moment. So this is something I will explore in blogs to come or perhaps within my own writings I do in my notebook.

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SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential

Moving An Inch into a New Pattern – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 796

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Today I was sitting at my desk writing about a point from my day. As I wrote out the details of this point, I noticed that my experience in relation to the point was actually intensifying. A moment then happened where I thought about stopping the writing and just jumping over to entertainment or checking my facebook as a point to just settle down a bit. Here however I observed that if I were to do that, that I wouldn’t actually be resolving anything but rather just distracting myself from my inner experience which I realize and understand is not a Solution and would rather just keep the point cycling around within myself.

So I thought this was a cool moment to write about because it revealed this aspect of myself how I keep myself actually trapped within my mind, within my emotional reactions by distracting and essentially supressing my experience by diverting my attention into media entertainment.

So in this moment I saw this distraction design and so instead I just remained within what I was doing which was writing, and opening up the point and overall, just remaining HERE with and as my experience instead of wanting to and trying to run from it, hide from it, distract myself from it.

Within  listening to the many interviews on the Eqafe website I have encountered this explanation about how energy functions where when you focus on energy it will actually for a moment intensify as one intensifies ones focus upon which was what I was doing tonight as I decided to sit down and write about this point/event that happened during the day and in this exploring and investigating the emotions and energies that was coming up within me in relation to this event.

And so when that energy started intensifying and I started feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, this awareness came up within me of this point of how “energy intensifies if you focus on it” that I have herd explained in different Eqafe Interviews and so I rather decided to remain HERE and continue writing and rather move myself to direct myself and the energy instead of immediately trying to distract myself from it.

Now, things didn’t come to a nice and tidy resolution but I do see how I can continue to support myself this way within my life and process where I essentially learn and develop the ability to face what is going on within me instead of wanting to distract myself from it. And so instead of distracting myself from it, I can Face it and learn more about it  and how it moves within me. Which is the process of me learning about me.

So I thought I would share this small moment from today where I a simply decided to change my usual pattern of distraction and rather allow an experience to be here within me as a point of learning more about it and learning  to direct it and myself into a point of Resolution…or at least give myself the option to do this which I immediately close off when I channel my attention into entertainment when ever I am overwhelmed with a reaction or inner experience.

So it was a small moment, just an inch forward into a New, more supportive pattern/action, but that is better than nothing.

 

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential