A Resident of FEAR – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 292

This blog is a continuation of the following blogs

Sabotaging My World Through Emotions – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 291
Fear of Phone Calling – Reaction Dimension – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 290
Uncovering My Fear of Phone Calling – An Artists Journey To Life – Day 289
“I just really really really don’t want to” – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 288
Discomfort in Communicating With People – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 287
Maybe I Will Make Mistakes But That’s Ok – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 286
Fear of Phones – What if I ‘F’ Up – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 285
Fear of Speaking on the Phone – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 284

Here I am continuing with the Self Corrective Statements from the Self Forgiveness Walked in Day 290 –  Fear of Phone Calling – Reaction Dimension – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 290

When and as I see myself starting to go into the experience of panic and anxiety in relation to phoning people I stop and breathe. I realize that this panic and anxiety experience if followed will only perpetuate more of what I have already created and manifested as the consequence that is my life as a life that has become one of just trying to survive and get by day to day with no impact or for that matter any kind of stability within the system. I commit myself to in each moment assess the component of my reality such as phone calling and using common sense assess how to practically align the functionality of that component as the expression of me within the point to become operational in a way that is best for all. Within this I commit myself to stop trusting my emotional reactions that are sometimes quite intense such as resistance, fear, anxiety, panic etc as the guidelines for how I wield the components of my reality but rather to use practical common sense to bring/produce the best result within the context of what is best for all, and thus to walk this common sense assessment in every breath as the reprogramming of myself within each part of my life so that all parts, aspects, components of my life are supporting that which is best for all, which implies an effective functionality within the System at large.

I see, realize, understand that the potential for someone to respond negatively or not is the name of the game that I am walking/playing as the point of assisting and supporting myself to do what is necessary to walk/live/create what is best for all. I realize that MY reaction has nothing to do with the potential reaction of the person on the other end of the phone from the perspective of that I must be self honest with me in realizing that my in allowing my fears, emotions, anxieties, panic, reactions ect to control me and direct me is me accepting and allowing myself to remain within my pre-programmed nature and life and thus who I will be in this life which is essentially nothing and surely not LIFE within the context of what is best for all, and so thus I commit myself to assist and support myself to breath and walk through my emotions, resistances, fears, anxieties, panic etc from the perspective of Directing myself to Re-Program myself to LIVE What is best for all as Common Sense Dictate and so thus to utilize this Common Sense to determine my practical course of action and direction within for instance how to effectively utilize the phone as a tool within my process of standing/walking/living what is best for all and then thus doing that.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to realize that the point of wanting to give up and give into my fears related to using the phone is that which I must walk through in every moment in every breath and simply stand as I realize that when I go against my pre-programmed systematic nature that I will experience that fear, that panic, that reaction, that resistance, that wanting to give up. And if I am to determine who I will be in this life, and actually Direct me within a point of “Free Choice” so to speak, that I will experience the resistance of my programming as my programming is designed to act only in one way, and that place me as per my programming in a very particular place within the system.

I realize that in by accepting and allowing myself to give into my fears, and my resistances and reactions in relation to this point of for instance utilizing the phone within points of communication that I am inhibiting myself from developing and acquiring the necessary skills to Direct myself in a way that is best for all and thus empowering myself to ever stand up and walk out of the consequence that is my life resulting from living as a resident of fear.

I commit myself to become a Resident of Common Sense and Deciding in Common Sense who I will be and how I will become that and how I require to Direct myself in every moment to become That which is best for all and thus giving up my occupation of fear where I have used fear to control what I did and how I did it, and thus rather Moving in Common Sense in every moment pushing through the fear no more allowing it to determine how I move, direct me in every moment in the points that I face.

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“I am So Stressed Out” – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 227

Inner Explosion

This is a continuation from the following blogs

Hiding Behind “This is Such a Waste of Time” – An Artists Journey To Life – Day 226
Prioritizing Practicality – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 225
“Its Not Fair” – Victimization Personality : An Artists Journey To Life – 224

I am continuing here with exploring/investigating the “back-chat” dimension of the point of Self Victimization or “Victimization Character”. I am here again placing the initial back-chat layout that I did in the beginning where I looked at all the various back-chat statements as sentences/phrases/words that I was able to see/identify coming up within me in relation to the point of self victimization.

I did notice that there was 3 “kinds” of back-chat coming up within me in relation to this point which you can see below that I have separated into 3 different sections.

Back-chat Dimension (of victimization character)

(Building Up My Justification/ Pre Victimization Character)

Fuck why can’t I just do what I want
Man I have so much to do
I will never have any time for myself
I am a slave
These responsibilities are taking time away from what is really important
Why the fuck do I have to do this it is such a waste of time
All this stuff is stressing me out
When can I just relax
I hate this

(Entering Victim Mode/Character)

I can’t do it
I can’t handle all this stuff
I am too tired
It is just so hard/difficult
I am to anxious
I am useless
I am such a failure
I am too weak

(Bullying SubCharacter)

Your pathetic
You are a waste
You will never amount to anything
Your life will be a failure

1 – Pre-Victimization Character: With this back-chat I noticed that it was more related to frustration and anger and my initial reactions I would have in relation to facing points of responsibility or facing something that I did not want to do and so would fight with the point instead of simply doing what was/is required to be done from the perspective of aligning myself/my life with Responsible Living.

2 – Victimization Character: This back-chat stood out to me as being more specifically related to me existing within a point of victimization where I had entered into the point of self victimization and was now living the point of self victimization. This is the back-chat that I see is more related to “keeping me locked into” my Victimization Character here the “pre-victimization character back-chat” was more leading up to the moment where I would enter into a specific state or way of being which I see as being the Actual “Living Out” of my Victimization Character.

3. – Bullying Character (sub character) – So I also noticed back-chat was had the nature of bullying that would also come up within me in relation to this point of Self Victimization. I see that this back-chat also “keep me locked into” my victimization character but the particular back-chat identified here had a more “pronounced” frequency from the perspective of in a way “standing out” as well as together as a specific “type” of back-chat in relation to this point that “stood alone” or could be seen as having unique characteristics that I related to the point of bullying.

I have found so far as I have been walking through this first section of back-chat that the point of “Victimization” is not always evident or prominent and I am more having to “look for it” and see if/how this relates to the point of victimization, though I have decided to walk all the back-chat I found even though I am finding some of the back-chat statements do not always relate to the point of victimization as clearly and definitively as others.

I am continuing here with the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrections on the back-chat dimension.

Back-chat – “All This Stuff Is Stressing Me Out”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the back-chat within me “all this stuff is stressing me out” which I see is a statement that supports my disempowerment, not my self empowerment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the inner back-chat statement within myself “All this stuff is stressing me out” where in doing this I am only perpetuating my experience of stress instead of stopping myself and directing myself to sort out that which is stressing me out, where in for instance taking the first steps necessary in moving myself from accepting and allowing myself to exist within a state of “everything stressing me out” to “me practically supporting myself to stabilize myself and take responsibility for my experience and my world within and as a point of Self Responsibility and “Action” where I utilize and apply the tools I have like for instance writing to stabilize myself to the best of my ability, instead of simply participating with the back-chat statement “all this stuff is stressing me out” and so to within myself start to identify specifically in words each point that is fuelling and “causing” my experience and to write out in detail the nature of each point and to within this assist and support myself to understand how I am existing within this point of “all this stuff is stressing me out” so that I can take responsibility for myself within this point and stop such an experience and statement of myself as “all this stuff is stressing me out” and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within the back-chat statement “ all this stuff is stressing me out” where in I am only perpetuating my accepted and allowed experience of stress, instead of directing myself to take responsibility for myself and my experience by directing me to utilizing the tools I have available to me to Stop myself from continuing in my experience of “feeing stressed out” and moving myself into a point of Self Support, where I direct me to “taking that first step” that is required in facing the what sometimes seems like a mountain of chaos, and so I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to participate in the statement “all this stuff is stressing me out” but rather to when and as I see this statement coming up within me to stop and breathe and assist and support myself to sit down and write out in detail my experience and each/all parts components of my life / my self that is “stressing me out” starting with one singular point and then moving on from there where I utilize writing as a tool to support me to stabilize myself within and as myself and no more just accepting and allowing my experience to overwhelm me which I do within speaking the back-chat statement “all this stuff is stressing me out”

I commit myself to stop victimizing myself in relation to my experience where one way I do this is through and as statements that in no way direct and/or support me to Empower me to take Responsibility for myself and my experience but just leave me/align me to remain/exist “stuck” in my accepted and allowed experience, with no directive principle, instead of me taking practical steps to Align myself with Self Direction and Self Responsibility so that I am able to Direct myself in each and every moment no more accepting and allowing “my experience” to direct/influence/overpower/contol me where I have accepted myself to exist as disempowered and/or victimized in relation to certain emotional/feeling reaction experiences, and so here I commit myself to assist and support myself to develop my ability to actually “sort out” my inner turmoil’s/ experiences/stresses/emotions and feeligs that come up within and as me within waking/facing my world/reality / different situations of my world/reality, and thus assisting and supporting me to be able to stand equal to any and all experiences that come up within/as me where I am no more a Victim unable to do anything about it but am able to direct them/myself to stand Here and stable within and as myself assisting and supporting myself to develop effective self-stability and inner silence within me as my process of essentially “getting control of myself so that I am no more being directed by my inner experiences where “I am the victim” as “I have victimized myself” within this and so thus assisting and supporting myself to develop Self Stability and Inner silence where I am supporting me to stop my mind and get myself grounded to here and physical practical self expression.

I will continue exploring the back-chat dimension of the Victimization Character within my next blog

 

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Sudden Surges of Anxiety/Fear – An Artists Journey To Life – Day 193

This is a continuation of the following blog posts

Sinking into Heaviness – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 192
Aligning My Expression with the Physical – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 191
Stepping Out of Track – An Artists Journey To Life Day 190
Sorting out my Past Perceptions about Myself – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 189
Finding Excuses to Hold Back – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 188
Disrupting My Attention – Self Corrections – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 187
Subtly Blaming My Genetics – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 186


In my last blog I looked at/explored the reactions of heaviness within myself that I ‘sink into’ as the reaction that comes up in relation to the “fear of failing in my Art Endeavours” I notice that what comes up very quickly before the heaviness is a sudden anxiety within my solar plexus. I would also describe this “sudden anxiety” as the actual initial fear experience. It is like a fluttering of anxiety that comes up really fast within my solar plexus.

So this is where I will start today as I continue exploring/laying out my “Reaction Dimension” that occur in relation to the initial fear that I have of failing at this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the reaction of anxiety which I see as also fear that suddenly comes up within my solar plexus like a sudden fluttering/shuttering energy surge experience that vibrate within my solar plexus when ever I start going into my mind and thinking about and looking at the point of possibly failing at this art point or /and also when I go into my imagination dimension and looking at playing out all the potential / possible various ways that I could fail or will fail, where in doing this this shuttering anxiety experience emerge suddenly and quickly within my solar plexus.

I commit myself to flag point this “sudden anxiety/fear experience in my solar plexus” that comes up in relation to this point of walking this art point so that I am able to more specifically identify exactly how and when this “sudden reaction” comes up within me, so that I can within this assist and support myself to stabilize myself within my application / walking of this point where in I pinpoint and lay out in exact detail in my “writing out of my myself” this point/reaction point so to identify how specifically I am creating it and have created/constructed it within myself, where I am able to look at specifically the different memories/past experiences/beliefs I have attached to this “sudden reaction/anxiety/fear experience” within me.

Also here I commit myself to as I open up and develop understanding and clarity on this point to thus stop my auto-participation in this point where In I automatically accept energetic reactions without in fact understanding them in exact detail in terms of what I am in fact participating with and or accepting and allowing myself to tacitly participate with/agree with/ perpetuate by participating with reactions automatically without understanding the exact context of what that “reaction” is or how it was/is created and all the various relationships I have connected to that particular reaction, and so within this assist and support myself to start develop Real Self Understanding and Awareness that I can TRUST, so to while doing this assist and support me to become more stable and also SELF Directed within myself/ my life / my application no more being guided here and there by energetic impulses that come up/ suddenly come up quickly within my body / my self that often I do not even noticed due to having become so accustom and conditioned to participating with that particular energetic reactions/feeling/emotion/experience within myself.

 

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