I am going to pause with my writing about/on my “losing faith in myself” Character in relation to when I am doing art, and look at a point that came up yesterday and has been quite a dominant point within my world at the moment.
A couple days ago one of the people I am living with got sick with a fever. It was a really bad fever and they were in bed for 24 hours hardly being able to even get out of bed. Then today which is now around 48 hours in bed the person started vomiting and is not able to eat or even drink water without vomiting.
So in short is quite Ill.
So I am going to write here what has been going on within myself during this time. I have noticed allot of reactions and fears coming up within me so writing here to support myself in stabilizing myself within this and to get some perspective/clarity on my experience in relation to this person being sick.
One of the points that has been coming up within me is the question of whether I am getting sick or not. So interestingly, this being becoming ill has in a way made me more aware of my body as I have been keeping a close eye so to speak on my physical experience of myself, like constantly monitoring my ‘health’ such as body temperature and checking if I feel nauseous or have any other symptoms that might indicate I am sick.
So I am going to explore this point / my experience in relation to this point with Self Forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting sick.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be taken over/possessed by my pre-conceived ideas about how one gets sick/contracts a sickness.
I forgive myself for not realizing that my constant monitoring of my human physical body is actually being done from the starting point of fear of getting sick and also shed some light on the actual relationship/awareness I have of my human physical body, where “I don’t know” if I will get sick, or for that matter know or understand at all what happens to me when my body gets a fever or starts vomiting and that also I really do not fully understand what is going on with the being that is sick at my house indicating how little I actually know about the human physical body and the process’s involved in getting sick.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that “hoping I don’t get sick” is also implying a lack of awareness towards my human physical body, indicating that I am not understanding ‘HOW’ one or ‘WHY’ one get sick, where to me I am still really really really in the Dark about my own physical body and the state that it is actually in where I could get sick or I may not get sick but that I have not established any kind of reliable in depth communication with my human physical body, so that I can tell if I will get sick or not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become heavy within myself due to fearing that I might get sick.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of getting sick, of being in pain, of vomiting, of laying in bed and being uncomfortable where I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by this fear from the perspective of creating a heaviness experience within myself through constantly thinking and worrying about this, instead of simply sticking to breath and walking/living here in and as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my behaviour when/as someone around me is sick from the perspective of me starting to become heavy and then also becoming more reluctant to go outside in the cold or exert myself where I am picking up and subtly living the behaviours/characteristics of someone who is sick. Instead of remaining here and stable within my expression and not residually picking up the characteristics of the sick person where I will start to live out the “tried tested and true” knowledge and information” that I was programmed with about “what it means to be sick, and what one should or should not do when one is sick” and then to start to form and live out behaviours based on this knowledge and information around sickness. And thus ultimately living out programmed knowledge and information around the point of sickness’s and how sickness’s work regardless if this knowledge and information is actually true in fact, and thus here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into a Character based on the knowledge and information I have gathered, accumulated around what it means to be sick, without questioning, challenging or testing that knowledge and information in relation to this point. Knowledge and Information that is Suspect and Must be questioned and challenged due to the fact that this Knowledge and Information that I have based my “Sickness Character” on is based around, or has riddled throughout it points of FEAR about sickness and also which if I really look at what I know and what has been taught to me about sickness and health is extensively based on ambiguity and really “Not Knowing Anything”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with others who claim they know how sickness work, where I become frustrated because this actually is reflecting my own ignorance towards my human physical body, because as frustrated as I might seem towards these beings who claim they understand how the body work and how sickness’s work, I am really unable to explain in detail and clarity any alternative to their view that is in any way supportive and would effectively support one when/as they were sick ill.
I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application, deconstruct my ideas and fears and reactions as knowledge and information I have about being sick, so that I can properly align myself to stand equal and one to and as my human physical body, no more accepting and allowing myself to immediately go into an energetic reaction, primarily a negative one in relation to the point about getting sick, where I have within myself accepted and allowed myself to still carry a negative judgement towards being sick, and still seeing it as “something to avoid” instead of really understanding the process’s of the human physical body and what is actually taking place when the human physical body for instance gets a fever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accidentally making myself sick, by accidentally speaking certain words within myself in relation to sickness/health, again here showing myself the degree of which I have separated myself from how I am actually creating/directing myself and my reality, and thus also implying here, that I have not yet taken full responsibility for the words I speak and that how can I if I can/would say something that create something that I did not attend which imply I am still using words without absolute full awareness understanding and context of the word I am using placing/speaking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect/attach the word “wrong” to the word sickness or/and the point of being sick, as if being sick implies one has done something wrong or bad, and thus within this also connected a negative value/judgement/energy to the entire point of “getting sick” and the specifically the work ‘Sick” in itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I use/speak/hear the word ‘sick’ immediately go to a “negative” reaction/energy point within myself.
I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application Align myself equal and one to my human physical body and thus understanding the processes of the human physical body, and also within this what is actually going on when someone get sick, to within my process of self realization, stop living out knowledge and information I have about “being sick” which is based on a definition filled with positive and negative judgements/energies/reactions within myself that I have not fully investigated the origins of, thus so to stop activating and existing as a Character /Personality in relation to sickness and health that is actually based on distorted knowledge and information that has come from a world that try and treat everything wilh a pill, and so obviously what I understand in relation to sickness and health, even if it came from good intentions of my parents trying to educate about my health, that this was based formed in relation to the greater body of knowledge that is here in regards to sickness and health that has replaced the goal of health education from doing what is best for the body to doing what will bring the most profit, and so I commit myself to within my process of self investigation and self realization assist and support myself to stop existing as my pre-programmed “Sickness and Health” Character that always look /see through the eyes of energy/positive/negative/fear and stat Living HERE in and as breath and utilizing writing to really investigate all my pre-conceived ideas, experiences, notions, judgements, charges, memories, thoughts, reactions I have towards sickness and health and where these all stem form and in this assisting and supporting myself to actually become aware of my body for real instead of just trying to impose my ideas of what I think is happening onto it.
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