Fear in Relation to Sickness and Health – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 204

Information Roots, Pencil, Acrylic on Paper, 16x20in, 2009

I am going to pause with my writing about/on my “losing faith in myself” Character in relation to when I am doing art, and look at a point that came up yesterday and has been quite a dominant point within my world at the moment.
A couple days ago one of the people I am living with got sick with a fever. It was a really bad fever and they were in bed for 24 hours hardly being able to even get out of bed. Then today which is now around 48 hours in bed the person started vomiting and is not able to eat or even drink water without vomiting.
So in short is quite Ill.
So I am going to write here what has been going on within myself during this time. I have noticed allot of reactions and fears coming up within me so writing here to support myself in stabilizing myself within this and to get some perspective/clarity on my experience in relation to this person being sick.
One of the points that has been coming up within me is the question of whether I am getting sick or not. So interestingly, this being becoming ill has in a way made me more aware of my body as I have been keeping a close eye so to speak on my physical experience of myself, like constantly monitoring my ‘health’ such as body temperature and checking if I feel nauseous or have any other symptoms that might indicate I am sick.
So I am going to explore this point / my experience in relation to this point with Self Forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be taken over/possessed by my pre-conceived ideas about how one gets sick/contracts a sickness.
I forgive myself for not realizing that my constant monitoring of my human physical body is actually being done from the starting point of fear of getting sick and also shed some light on the actual relationship/awareness I have of my human physical body, where “I don’t know” if I will get sick, or for that matter know or understand at all what happens to me when my body gets a fever or starts vomiting and that also I really do not fully understand what is going on with the being that is sick at my house indicating how little I actually know about the human physical body and the process’s involved in getting sick.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that “hoping I don’t get sick” is also implying a lack of awareness towards my human physical body, indicating that I am not understanding ‘HOW’ one or ‘WHY’ one get sick, where to me I am still really really really in the Dark about my own physical body and the state that it is actually in where I could get sick or I may not get sick but that I have not established any kind of reliable in depth communication with my human physical body, so that I can tell if I will get sick or not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become heavy within myself due to fearing that I might get sick.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of getting sick, of being in pain, of vomiting, of laying in bed and being uncomfortable where I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by this fear from the perspective of creating a heaviness experience within myself through constantly thinking and worrying about this, instead of simply sticking to breath and walking/living here in and as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my behaviour when/as someone around me is sick from the perspective of me starting to become heavy and then also becoming more reluctant to go outside in the cold or exert myself where I am picking up and subtly living the behaviours/characteristics of someone who is sick. Instead of remaining here and stable within my expression and not residually picking up the characteristics of the sick person where I will start to live out the “tried tested and true” knowledge and information” that I was programmed with about “what it means to be sick, and what one should or should not do when one is sick” and then to start to form and live out behaviours based on this knowledge and information around sickness. And thus ultimately living out programmed knowledge and information around the point of sickness’s and how sickness’s work regardless if this knowledge and information is actually true in fact, and thus here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into a Character based on the knowledge and information I have gathered, accumulated around what it means to be sick, without questioning, challenging or testing that knowledge and information in relation to this point. Knowledge and Information that is Suspect and Must be questioned and challenged due to the fact that this Knowledge and Information that I have based my “Sickness Character” on is based around, or has riddled throughout it points of FEAR about sickness and also which if I really look at what I know and what has been taught to me about sickness and health is extensively based on ambiguity and really “Not Knowing Anything”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with others who claim they know how sickness work, where I become frustrated because this actually is reflecting my own ignorance towards my human physical body, because as frustrated as I might seem towards these beings who claim they understand how the body work and how sickness’s work, I am really unable to explain in detail and clarity any alternative to their view that is in any way supportive and would effectively support one when/as they were sick ill.
I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application, deconstruct my ideas and fears and reactions as knowledge and information I have about being sick, so that I can properly align myself to stand equal and one to and as my human physical body, no more accepting and allowing myself to immediately go into an energetic reaction, primarily a negative one in relation to the point about getting sick, where I have within myself accepted and allowed myself to still carry a negative judgement towards being sick, and still seeing it as “something to avoid” instead of really understanding the process’s of the human physical body and what is actually taking place when the human physical body for instance gets a fever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accidentally making myself sick, by accidentally speaking certain words within myself in relation to sickness/health, again here showing myself the degree of which I have separated myself from how I am actually creating/directing myself and my reality, and thus also implying here, that I have not yet taken full responsibility for the words I speak and that how can I if I can/would say something that create something that I did not attend which imply I am still using words without absolute full awareness understanding and context of the word I am using placing/speaking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect/attach the word “wrong” to the word sickness or/and the point of being sick, as if being sick implies one has done something wrong or bad, and thus within this also connected a negative value/judgement/energy to the entire point of “getting sick” and the specifically the work ‘Sick” in itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I use/speak/hear the word ‘sick’ immediately go to a “negative” reaction/energy point within myself.
I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application Align myself equal and one to my human physical body and thus understanding the processes of the human physical body, and also within this what is actually going on when someone get sick, to within my process of self realization, stop living out knowledge and information I have about “being sick” which is based on a definition filled with positive and negative judgements/energies/reactions within myself that I have not fully investigated the origins of, thus so to stop activating and existing as a Character /Personality in relation to sickness and health that is actually based on distorted knowledge and information that has come from a world that try and treat everything wilh a pill, and so obviously what I understand in relation to sickness and health, even if it came from good intentions of my parents trying to educate about my health, that this was based formed in relation to the greater body of knowledge that is here in regards to sickness and health that has replaced the goal of health education from doing what is best for the body to doing what will bring the most profit, and so I commit myself to within my process of self investigation and self realization assist and support myself to stop existing as my pre-programmed “Sickness and Health” Character that always look /see through the eyes of energy/positive/negative/fear and stat Living HERE in and as breath and utilizing writing to really investigate all my pre-conceived ideas, experiences, notions, judgements, charges, memories, thoughts, reactions I have towards sickness and health and where these all stem form and in this assisting and supporting myself to actually become aware of my body for real instead of just trying to impose my ideas of what I think is happening onto it.

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Sudden Surges of Anxiety/Fear – An Artists Journey To Life – Day 193

This is a continuation of the following blog posts

Sinking into Heaviness – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 192
Aligning My Expression with the Physical – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 191
Stepping Out of Track – An Artists Journey To Life Day 190
Sorting out my Past Perceptions about Myself – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 189
Finding Excuses to Hold Back – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 188
Disrupting My Attention – Self Corrections – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 187
Subtly Blaming My Genetics – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 186


In my last blog I looked at/explored the reactions of heaviness within myself that I ‘sink into’ as the reaction that comes up in relation to the “fear of failing in my Art Endeavours” I notice that what comes up very quickly before the heaviness is a sudden anxiety within my solar plexus. I would also describe this “sudden anxiety” as the actual initial fear experience. It is like a fluttering of anxiety that comes up really fast within my solar plexus.

So this is where I will start today as I continue exploring/laying out my “Reaction Dimension” that occur in relation to the initial fear that I have of failing at this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the reaction of anxiety which I see as also fear that suddenly comes up within my solar plexus like a sudden fluttering/shuttering energy surge experience that vibrate within my solar plexus when ever I start going into my mind and thinking about and looking at the point of possibly failing at this art point or /and also when I go into my imagination dimension and looking at playing out all the potential / possible various ways that I could fail or will fail, where in doing this this shuttering anxiety experience emerge suddenly and quickly within my solar plexus.

I commit myself to flag point this “sudden anxiety/fear experience in my solar plexus” that comes up in relation to this point of walking this art point so that I am able to more specifically identify exactly how and when this “sudden reaction” comes up within me, so that I can within this assist and support myself to stabilize myself within my application / walking of this point where in I pinpoint and lay out in exact detail in my “writing out of my myself” this point/reaction point so to identify how specifically I am creating it and have created/constructed it within myself, where I am able to look at specifically the different memories/past experiences/beliefs I have attached to this “sudden reaction/anxiety/fear experience” within me.

Also here I commit myself to as I open up and develop understanding and clarity on this point to thus stop my auto-participation in this point where In I automatically accept energetic reactions without in fact understanding them in exact detail in terms of what I am in fact participating with and or accepting and allowing myself to tacitly participate with/agree with/ perpetuate by participating with reactions automatically without understanding the exact context of what that “reaction” is or how it was/is created and all the various relationships I have connected to that particular reaction, and so within this assist and support myself to start develop Real Self Understanding and Awareness that I can TRUST, so to while doing this assist and support me to become more stable and also SELF Directed within myself/ my life / my application no more being guided here and there by energetic impulses that come up/ suddenly come up quickly within my body / my self that often I do not even noticed due to having become so accustom and conditioned to participating with that particular energetic reactions/feeling/emotion/experience within myself.

 

Desteni Has just launched Desteni I Process Lite. This is a completely free, online course with buddy support. The course material has been designed from the ground up to accommodate complete beginners to the Desteni material. And if you’ve been with Desteni for years, there’s a lot you can learn through revisiting the basics in a format you haven’t experienced yet.

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Investigating Myself In Relation to Pain and Medication – An Artists Journey To Life: day 133

So today when I woke up, my body felt feverish and slightly weak and I had a headache. This was also how I experienced myself yesterday which to experience myself like this 2 days in a row does not often happen, so I concluded that my body must be in a process of releasing something and that this process has been going on for a few days. So I went to town and ran some errands and when I returned home my headache had increased and the entire point had escalated. I had applied some self forgiveness on the headache when I drove home and also was debating if I should take Tylenol as in the past I have found that Tylenol has been effective support when the pain becomes to much. But yet there was still some reluctance within me to taking the Tylenol as there usually is where for instance I am always asking myself the question in these such scenarios, “is the pain to much, or can I handle it” I feel guilty when I take Tylenol, like I am weak, and that I am supposed to be able handle and walk through such pain.

I also find when such moments of headache/fever come up that I start to go into this internal fighting within myself about how I should handle the point and if I should in fact ‘resort’ to taking Tylenol and ending the pain in this immediate way, as I find that for the most part taking Tylenol when the pain has reached a certain intensity usually stops the pain and then it starts to subside and depending on the intensity of the pain I will be able to function again normally. Sometime if I do not have to work or don’t have anything planned, I will be more willing to walk with the pain until it passes but have found in this there is always that inner battle within myself where I am just waiting for that moment I decide to take the Tylenol and end the pain.

In the past I have tried applying self forgiveness when having a headache and using this as an opportunity to explore what the point is in fact that is causing the headache or pain/fever point, where I have more tended to see Tylenol as a suppressant where it really just suppresses the pain and makes it so I can’t feel it anymore but that does not mean the pain is not there and my body is still not in pain. And I wonder about also how taking Tylenol affects the actual bodies process of releasing the necessary energy through the headache and fever process where in if this actually block the body from doing this effectively. So I see that I am not understanding clearly or really at all this process that takes place when for instance I get a headache or fever and also what is the process that is taking place when I take drugs to support me through the pain. So indicating still quite a separation from my actual body where I still have not yet established a relationship with my human physical body for me to be able to in fact see the actual process that are taking place within me/my physical body.

I also usually cave-in and take the Tylenol for the pain instead of walking through the pain, as in walking through the pain I find that I am mostly in inner conflict and struggle within myself constantly fighting this point of “wanting to take Tylenol” to just “get it over with” yet on the other hand, telling myself to simply breath, and walk the point without the drug as this may assist and support more the bodies process of “doing what ever it is doing” within the fever and headache process instead of trying to interrupt this with some drug, which I believe/feel postpone the process that is taking place, though I am not really sure what goes on when I take Tylenol. Id say at this stage I will take it one or two times month.  I have also in the past simply walked through the pain. And rather opted not to take it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative energy to taking Tylenol to assist me with the pain that occurs when I have a headache/fever.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe taking Tylenol to support me through the pain when I get a headache that is more intense in nature is a bad thing even though my understanding of what actually goes in inside/in relation to the body when I take Tylenol is really minimal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to conclusions about taking Tylenol to assist with the pain of headaches where I have in my conclusion of this being “not good for the body” have charged this idea with a negative energy which from my perspective is still indicating that my conclusion is not yet based on actual clear understanding of what is going on but as is indicated by the fact that I have attached a negative energy to the point of taking Tylenol that I am in fact utilizing the mind to come to a conclusion which does not in fact work based on an actual understanding assessment but rather works in relation to interpretations and definitions of the mind that is not based on an equal and one understanding with and as the physical where I would be able to see and understand the relationship that the drug actually has with the body and what is occurring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define taking Tylenol within a negative connotation because I have come to believe that all commercial drugs are “BAD” even though I in fact have not idea what happens in the relationship(s) between specific drugs and the body at all, but just have more generally accepted the use of commercial drugs to be BAD because that is what the conspiracy theorists and activists and those who promote alternative medicines say, which I have utilized to formulate my idea of it being bad to use commercialized drugs, even though I do not know the actual relationship that is taking place between my body and the drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as incapable of handling the pain on my own and that I have not yet developed on understanding of what pain is in my body but just coming to the simple conclusion of “I don’t like pain” and then in relation to this usually end up trying to put a stop to any pain that comes up within me through using such aids a commercialized drugs to subdue the pain, and thus, not assisting and supporting myself to utilize pain more effectively where I can utilize writing and self forgiveness and self correction to in fact come to understand what pain actually is and how it come about and exist within and as my body instead of never getting to this point of exploration because my point becomes to just quickly get rid of pain as quickly as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pain, and fear the pain of a headache and so when ever I start to notice a headache coming on define it as “negative” within and as a “negative energy” and then just want to get it done and over with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as a limitation where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I have a headache I am not able to be effective within my expression / application of me but have defined a headache as being de-habilitating where it takes away my ability to express and function.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear headaches, in relation to where I fear the pain that ensue as the headache and that I have come to the conclusion within myself that “I can’t handle headaches” where in I also go into such statements as “my world is hard enough” and so often when a headache comes up, I will opt to take Tylenol and go to sleep until the pain passes because within this I can take a break from my life where I have utilized the headache and pain as a perfect excuse to just “shut down” literally where I will take the Tylenol and go to sleep and in this am able to escape from my life and my world, within which I see that I virtually always trying to and looking for some escape or some way for me to hide from facing my life and escape from my life where sleep become one of the points where I am able to hide from my life and not have to face my life and so thus to then a headache becomes a potential escape point where I am in fact RELIEVED to be able to just take 2 tylenol and close my eyes and disappear from my reality and that I in fact enjoy the experience of being in allot of pain and having the experience of this pain going away which I am able to produce by taking 2 tylenol, instead of walking this process naturally – because to walk this process naturally means that I will still have to direct myself and though I still may eventually reach that point of relief where the headache breaks, and the pain starts to subside, I will miss out on the point of “shutting down” and going to sleep where I will not have to continue to stand and face my reality.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I actually enjoy the experience of coming down from the pain as the experience that ensue when I take 2 tylenol, and that there is in fact actually an excitement there within me of doing this.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself in relation to the point of “standing and taking responsibility for myself in all moments of my day” where in I within this situation that I have just described above, accepted and allowed myself to ignore the fact that I was also using this point of taking 2 tylenol when I had a headache to escape from MYSELF as the Me that is I have become the responsibility I have to direct myself within the world in a way that is best for all, thus I see here that it is not necessarily me trying to escape from my world per-se but me wanting to and trying to escape from ME within ME facing my World.

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