Forgetting To SEE MYSELF in my Passions – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 819

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I thought I would take a moment and sit down here to do some writing and share what I have been up to lately. I have recently started putting more time towards developing some acrylic paintings. Most or much of my focus these days goes towards developing my art business. So a big point for me that I have been walking for some time is the relationship between Art and Money. But this could also be understood as the relationship between ones passions and making money with ones passions. I am not sure how rare my situation is but I decided that I would pursue creating and selling art, essentially my passion, as how I would make my primary income and it has been an interesting journey. For the first 10 years after I graduated art school and begun pursuing my passion of creating art and turning that into my career, I never really sold much art and just found other ways to make money. My approach back then was simply to create art and frankly I never made art to sell. In fact I believed that if I was making art to sell then I would be a Sell Out and so I steered clear of that and went for a kind of purity (or so I believed) of just expressing myself and not bothering to worry about if it sold or not, though, I actually did want it to sell and I did want to make money off of it. Although during that time, even though I wasn’t really creating art with the mindset of making it to sell, I did still have external influences from the perspective of I did want other people to like what I was doing, they didn’t have to buy it, they just had to like it. But that is whole other point for a different blog.

After a time away from doing art as my primary focus I got back into it about 4 or 5 years ago and this time I ended up in a situation where I was making it and selling it and surviving off of it. Though the art I was making you could say was more geared towards a particular market or aesthetic preference that wasn’t necessarily my personal preference. And this has been quite a challenge for me to essentially take a subject or style that is not necessarily ‘my preference’ and then to find myself in it, to, Make it My Own so to speak.

I will also add here that “My Preference” is definitely something I am still getting to know and so am willing to do things that I believe are not my preference to actually investigate them deeply and see if I can connect to it on some level because honestly “my preference” I realize has been greatly influenced, directed, impulsed by my culture, parents, peers, society, ect, so I have am definitely willing to challenge “my preference” and to make actually walk that process of really understanding what it means to get to know Myself on a deep level and understand what I do really personally like and enjoy and make sure this  is not just something that someone told me I like or I thought I was supposed to like it because everyone else did. Okay back to my point…

Over time and more so lately I have begun putting more time into painting and developing this more marketable line of work. And the question I have been walking and attempting to find the balance within is, that line between creating art to sell, that is marketable, and creating art for me where I can add my personal touch and take the art in directions that is more about my personal self expression and making sure that in the end the artwork contains depth and substance, than just making something to sell.

Okay going to add some Self Forgiveness Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what other people will think about me if I create art that is marketable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider that one can make marketable art that still has depth, substance, and quality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted or dissuaded by my fears in a way where I don’t give myself the opportunity to test the theory of creating art that is marketable but also still has ME and My personal touch on it where I can create the depth, quality, and substance that I would like to.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to develop a style that is both marketable as well as having substance, quality, and depth to it so I can be proud and happy with the work I create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a sell-out if I create art that is marketable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my fears to get the best of me where I will stop before even giving myself the chance to explore various ways of creating the Depth that I would like into my art while at the same time having it be something marketable and sellable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into EGO within thinking “I am too good” to make art that sells, meaning where I essentially believe and have also judged others as “Just making art to sell” and believing that this compromises the artistic integrity within the art.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my art to be good and fear diluting it through its relationship with money, but then not take this point BACK TO SELF and consider how HOW I LIVE and WHO I AM in my daily life within and without is for instance compromised by money or ultimately where I am actually compromising Myself and my own Quality and Substance by allowing myself to live in ways that is not best for me, but then divert my attention off of myself and just obsess about my art when the Real point here Should be about WHO I AM for real in real life because Who I am is what really matters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other people knowing that I am making art that is marketable because I fear they will lose respect for me and they will stop respecting the art I make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people think I am selling out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what other people think about me when what other people think about me is Not who I actually am, and who I actually am is what really matters and that is something that I Live and Walk and Express day by day and I am essentially the Gatekeeper of Who I am and am Responsible for who I am and must answer to myself with regards to what I accept and allow of and as myself and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that Who I am and How I live moment to moment is really What Matters in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in the surface dimension of worrying what other people think about my art and if they think I am selling out when this is like an irrational fear that is actually removed from who I am and what I live in real physical substance day to day and moment to moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to influenced and directed by fear energy and anxiety energy in relation to what I thought or think people think about my art.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus too much on what my art looks like where it becomes a form of obsession where in I forget about ME and Taking Care of Myself and Working on points within myself to assist and support me to become and live to my utmost potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess over my art and if other people will like it, and end up neglecting Myself and Working with myself in a process of Self Creation to become a Self that I am Satisfied and Happy with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore working on my inner reality through regular Self Writing and Self Forgiveness as a point of actually supporting myself to Correct, Change, and Transform those parts of myself that I see are not what they could be or are supporting me within my utmost potential. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to work on these aspects of self, and just focus all of my attention outside of myself into my art, and art business.

I commit myself to LIVE HERE, and to when and as I see myself going into that dimension of obsessing about what others might think about my art, to stop and take and in breath, and within the exhale, I slow myself down and bring myself back to the moment and back to here and realize that what Really Matters is WHO I AM and that when I start worrying about what other people think about my art and how that reflects on me, I realize that here I am actually OFF POINT and so I bring myself back to THEE POINT which is ME and Self and Who I am within myself and How I am LIVING moment to moment and I commit myself to assist and support myself to place my attention HERE onto me and to assist and support myself to work on Myself and What Really Matters which is Who I am in each and every moment, So that I can stand and face myself and look myself in the Eye, and know that I am Living my Best Self and be actually truly Satisfied and Content with myself, and Love Myself.

Okay so the point that is actually coming through here, which I was thinking that this blog would be about anyways, is not so much about the relationship between ones passions and making money with ones passions, but rather when ones Passions become more important than SELF. Because I have been noticing this with myself lately where although I have been investing more time into my art which is cool, though, I have in a slight way have been neglecting the most important point which is ME and just working with myself on that Inner Deep level in a way where I am supporting ME within my Process of Personal Self Creation and Transformation and basically just working on WHO I AM in each and every breath.

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Do I Have an Impact in the Lives of Others? – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 815

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I have recently been listening to the New Eqafe series on the statement “I Matter” and will share here what I gained from the interviews as well as how I am applying in my own living what I have been listening too.

One of the questions posed in the series that stood out the most to me was the question of Who you are in relation to other people in your life and DO YOU MATTER in their lives at all or the questions I was reflecting while listening to the interviews was “Do I matter to these people or am I just kind of there in their lives and having no impact on them or their lives what so ever?” Is that who I want to be for others and myself?”

Now this question of “Do I matter” has nothing to do with wanting or needing others to recognize me. It more has to do with Looking at Myself and how I live and considering how I want to live and who I could potentially be in this world and the kind of impact I could have on peoples lives and the people around me instead of just kind of existing as a fly on the wall where its like I am actually having very little impact on peoples lives.

This question raised in this series I thought was a really cool point for me because I have noticed that I do have quite a small circle of individuals in my life and my relationship with them can at times be very inconsequential.

I can see for myself that actually I would rather contribute some real value to peoples lives instead of just kind of ‘being there’.

A couple days before this interview I had received an e-mail from a colleague of mine asking me for some information. My immediate reaction was going into resistance towards providing the info, in particular providing the info in a level of detail that would actually be supportive for him. I had thoughts like “its not my responsibility to provide you this stuff” and “your getting me to do your legwork” and other thoughts in this nature where I didn’t want to at all put in ANY Effort whatsoever to give this info to this individual aside from the bare minimum. I could see that I was in fact having a little emotional tantrum and so I decided to just let the point go for now and re-visit it later after I’d sorted out my reaction.

So as I was listening to the I Matter Series on Eqafe and I started seeing this consideration to actually move myself to actually start Mattering in the relationships I have in my life, I saw how, if I were to actually put in the time to really give my colleague a thorough detailed response to his inquiry that I really could be an actual support to his project and his life.

So this is exactly what I did.

Obviously this is something that I have to push more with myself where I stop just doing the bare minimum when it comes to who I am in relation to others and the kinds of contributions I give to others unconditionally. You know, I see that I can also do with any kind of project I am doing also, where I really give it my all. So it just doesn’t go for peer to peer relationships, but ALL relationships that one is existing in within ones life.

I remember 10 years ago, an individual literally changed the course of my life by actually putting in the effort to answer some questions I had where this individual provided me with support that could have easily just not been given. From my perspective, I was a complete stranger and I was not really giving anything in return, and yet the answers I received for my questions went above and beyond the scope of common human curtesy. To me it revealed a genuine and real interest in MAKING A DIFFERENCE in this world and in the lives of others.

So this is definitely something I would like to contribute and continue to develop and become within myself where I push myself to have a real impact on the lives of others, where I do this not only for them but for me and for the world as a whole.

Id highly recommend this series which began with the following interview. – https://eqafe.com/p/purpose-has-left-the-building-reptilians-part-560

 

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Physical Behaviours of Postponement Self Correction – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 169

This blog is a continuation of the following blogs

The Physical Behaviours of Postponement – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 16

Experience of Heaviness in Postponement (Self Corrections) – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 167

Postponement Character – Reaction Dimension SF – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 166

Postponement – Back-Chat Self Corrections – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 165

BackChatAttack – Self Forgiveness – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 164

The Resistance Before I Write – Postponement Character – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 163

Postponement Character – Imagination Dimension – Self Corrections – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 162

Imagination Dimension – Postponement Character – Imagining Myself as Changed – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 161

Postponement Character – Thought Dimension – Sabotaging My Effectiveness : An Artists Journey To Life: Day 160

Postponement Character – Fear Dimension – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 159

Physical Behavior : Laying back in my bed where I am usually reclining and or slouching.

I see/realize/understand that this physical behavior of laying back/slouching in my bed is a physical behavior of and as my Postponement Character and not a Physical Behaviour/Positioning of one who is Directing Self Effectively within the task at hand, especially/particularly here in relation to writing/reading which is often what I am doing while at the computer while sitting on my bed. I commit myself to when and as I get home and am taking my position on the bed to start my writing/reading projects etc on the computer to physically sit myself up straight to support myself effectively within the task (s) I am busy with so that I can support me to work effectively within these tasks where I am Specific and Directive and to the point. Something that I see is allot less probable within accepting and allowing myself to sink down into a slouching/laying back position in my bed, which also make it more probable for me to “start getting tired” due to me not being Self Aware and HERE in those moments and thus leaving the door open for me to just drift around in my mind, instead of Directing myself in HEREness within the tasks I have before me. I also see that ultimately it does not matter if I sit in my bed or at a desk, either way I am able to be Here and Aware of Myself and in this Self Directive, where in this case while I do not have a desk I am able to Direct myself to Sit up Straight in my bed and ensure that I am not allowing myself to sink/slouch down. I see/realize/understand that I resist sitting up straight and being here within my task of “working on the computer” as I am resisting that point of actually Directing Myself in Self Awareness, because then I must support myself instead of accepting and allowing my mind to direct me or have a say in what I am doing/how I am directing me which is possible when I am not Self Aware and Here while sitting on my bed after work and working on my writing and reading projects.

When and as I see myself existing in the experience of “not wanting to move myself out of my lying/slouching down position when it is time to get to work” I stop participating in this/giving my attention to this, and bring myself as my attention back to here and I take a breath, I realize that it is most effective to actually ensure that I have an effective posture to assist and support myself to actually move/direct myself to my utmost potential in the tasks that I am working on, and that if I am “half assed” in supporting me within my physical body posture in relation to working that it is likely that I will/may also be “half-assed” in my actual writing/reading application and thus I physically sit myself up straight so that I am HERE and ready to Direct Myself Specifically and Effectively and to the point, and in this giving myself the opportunity to actually work with myself effectively, and getting the most out of my assignments and readings because I am actually HERE and Self Present while working on them, and not accepting and allowing myself to wonder off somewhere into my mind.

I see/realize/understand that I am Responsible for my Physical Behavior and Posture where ever I am, and it does not matter if I am on a bed or at a desk. I also see that I do have resistance to the entire desk point because it is much less likely that I would allow myself to sink/slouch down due the nature of sitting in a chair simply being more aligned with sitting up straight and thus a dimension of the resistance here that I see is related to the resistance to actually “Getting Down To Business” where instead “I’d rather” allow myself to procrastinate and thus I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to develop the physical behavior of “sitting up straight” in where I actually do this as a point/part of Taking Responsibility for myself and Directing myself to get my assignments done within and as effective self direction, and not allowing myself to “do this half assed” which I see/realize/understand does not in fact support me at all as I never get anywhere within accepting and allowing myself to do my assignments/working with myself in a ‘half-asses’ way.

I commit myself to explore “desk potentials” in my environment with the Directive of setting up some Desk placement up in my room, even if this is just a temporary point, as I see that this would make my work space much more effective and organized and support in me in having an environment that effectively support me within my process of Self Realization/ Getting to know and take responsibility for myself.

Physical Behavior: -Searching on the internet or tv for “something…anything” so not specific direction within this – more
just ‘browsing around’

When and as I see myself browsing around on the tv or internet in a way where I am just postponing the inevitable, I stop and I take a breath and I immediately direct myself to start the point that I know must be done but am wanting to avoid. I see/realize/understand that the point will never go away. That it will just sit there as it is until I actually Direct Myself to Give Direction to the point. Within this I also see that if I go to give direction to the point and I just go and try “to get it over with” that this is not in fact giving Effective Direction to the point but again just trying to “get it out of the way” which I see is also related to this entire point of “postponement” where the point is that I am not actually Bringing Myself HERE and walking a point in Actual Self Awareness. I see/realize/understand that until I walk points/a point in self awareness, I will not have actually effectively directed that point and thus will still require to give it direction where in I stop postponing the point and actually, Stop, Breathe, Bring Myself HERE Move myself within the point within and as My Full Attention. And thus I commit myself to when and as I see myself browsing around on the tv or internet for not reason but to avoid/postpone the inevitable, I stop and I bring myself HERE into and as MY FULL Attention Here as this is Key to be here in and as my FULL ATTENTION, and thus to within my Full Attention then Move/Direct me to complete the tasks which I am required to do.

Physical Behavior: Pacing Around The House

When and as I see myself pacing around the house where it is like I am trapped in “no mans land” I stop and I Direct myself to sit down and look at what specifically I can do to Direct a point of responsibility that I am not doing/or either avoiding doing. I then Breath and Ensure that I am Completely Here in my Full Attention, and then thus Direct myself to actually take on a task/point in specific Action where I Go and do that thing specifically and to the point, and within this assist and support myself to be More Self Directive and also within and as this to be within my Full Attention as I see that this is a key point in my Establishing myself as actually being Effective within my Application of My Process of Self Change/Support.

Physical Behavior: Snacking on food – like going to and looking in the fridge for nothing in particular.

When and as I see myself wanting to go to the fridge for food as a point to ‘escape’ what it is that I am doing, I stop and I breathe. I Check within myself if this point of going to the fridge for food is a practical point, or if it is simply a point of postponing. I commit myself to assist and support myself to remain here within and as Self Stability while working on projects and not accepting and allowing myself to be constantly directed/distracted by the automated thoughts/points that come up within my mind, like for instance the thought of me going to the fridge where then I’d actually Act out that Physical Behavior by following that thought and thus physically going to the fridge, and so thus I commit myself to determine when this thought/point of “going to the fridge for food” is simply the mind and thus I commit myself to stop myself from obeying my mind as the point of going to the fridge for food, and thus assist and support myself to direct Myself within my Physical Behaviors.

I see/realize/understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to “follow my mind” in this case within the physical behavior of and as Postponement by “going to the fridge for food” when/while in the middle of doing something like working on some project/task/assignment etc… I see that this is a pre-programmed / automated thought/mind point that come up within me that I would often follow/ that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically act out to the degree where this behavior has become an accepted and allowed mind distraction and postponement where I am following my mind and living out/as My Postponement Character instead of assisting and supporting me to remain Here, Stable and directing myself within the task before me.
And so thus I commit myself to stop utilizing “food” / “going to the fridge” as an excuse to excuse myself from being HERE in and as my FULL Attention and effectively working with myself in my process of self change/support, and thus to Change My Living Physical Behavior from That of My Postponement Character within and as “going to the fridge for food” to Physically Living Self Discipline within and as Self Support within Sticking to the Task that I am walking and assisting and supporting myself to be more Directive within my process of writing/reading/self support instead of accepting and allowing myself to “go off somewhere else” like to the fridge for food as a point of postponement/escape form being Here and Facing myself in having my Full Attention Here and investigating/working with myself in my process of writing, self forgiveness, self correction etc…

In the next blog I will be having a look at the Consequence Dimension of My Postponement Character.

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