I leave again tomorrow to go home. I tried leaving a couple days ago but then ran into car trouble so had to get that fixed before I return home. When I arrive home I will be heading into the winter season, both seasonally as well as business wise. My experience is that when I get home that it will be a form of a ‘beginning’ of sorts. So at the moment, I am kind of just preparing for that. What I am observing about myself is that I have connected a lot ‘negativity’ to ‘New Beginnings’ because of the past I have had with ‘new beginnings’ where ‘nothing ever changes’ and so in thinking about this ‘beginning’ now taking place where I am starting a new phase of things, a part of me is excited but there is a part of me that is also heavy, and down, and telling myself, “who cares, it’s the same ol’ thing because things aren’t going to change this time around” So my question is, How do I actually change this heaviness, and how do I actually make a difference in my life instead of living out the usual patterns that end up creating the negative relationship I have with ‘new beginnings’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself “things never change” and to connect an energy experience of anger and frustration to this statement. And so within this allowing myself to be influenced by anger and frustration energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize even that these subtle energetic dimensions that I have connected to “new beginnings” is actually influencing me where I will just dismiss the heavy experience I have within me instead of investigating where it is coming from so that I can change it and change myself through understanding it and also being more aware of it so that I don’t allow it to subtly influence me in the background of myself.
I commit myself to realize that writing supports me to see more of myself and open myself up and so become more aware of myself and so thus overall supports me to Direct different parts of me that go undirected because they are unnoticed when I am writing a lot less or not as engaged in a process of Self Introspection that is very much strengthened through self writing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to already go into Self Defeat, before I even begin something because of how it went in the past, where I have accumulated so many reactions where I have reached a point of thinking “whats the point”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is impossible to step out of my experience that is here in relation to starting this new phase of my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear that things will just be the same as always.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up this new phase, where I want and desire things to be different this time, instead of just sticking to walking day by day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my creative and directive power through allowing myself to project in mind and fantasize in my mind what the future will be like, instead of sticking to HERE, and Creating it HERE in the very moment and breath I stand and breathe as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project excitement, fun, and creativity into the future, projecting this idea of how “things will be” moving forward, but in that separating myself from me Living HERE day to day which is where I can practically and physically be and become the change I want to see, through Living it here in and now, in this moment, seeing, realizing, and understanding that all and any change comes from the decisions I make in real time, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the HERE Moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate the moment within which I Stand, where even though it might seem ordinary and even mundane or something that does not have a lot of potential, I see, realize, and understand that it is in this moment, and the decisions I live HERE in this moment in the present that shape myself and my life into the future.
I commit myself to see, realize, and understand that the moment I find myself in now is my creative moment, and where my creative, directive principle exists, and so I commit myself to remind myself to not underestimate the moments of my life that is HERE, that I often define as ordinary or mundane.
I commit myself to practice focusing myself into and as Real-Time Living, and I commit myself to practice Challenging what I have accepted and allowed myself to define as boring, and uninspiring moments. Challenging them, from the perspective of Challenging myself to acknowledge that Who I am is determined through my thoughts, words, and deeds, in each and every moment, and that if a moment is one I see and define as boring, this does not change the fact that I am still creating myself in that very moment and that my decisions, my thoughts, my words, and my deeds, are Equally as Potent in Transformational and Creative force as any other moment, and so I commit myself remind myself this and realize that there is a lot of support I can give myself even if at first I allow myself to engage with a moment through my mind and preprogrammed ways of being and engaging.
I commit myself to embrace the moment I am in, no matter what it might seem like, as I see, realize, and understand that each moment that is here is Equal in its Creative Potency. I will either creating something boring for myself or I will create something interesting, or I will create some other outcome, either way, it is my will and self movement and direction that determines the outcome where I am 100 percent responsible for who I am and what I create.
So here I am reminding myself that my actions do matter in a moment, they NEVER don’t matter. And also in relation to this, that I can stop existing in future projections of this new phase of my life, because in a way, I am already In it so I don’t have to imagine it, rather I can just Focus on Right Here and Right Now, and Focus on Who and How I am Living Day to Day and Moment to Moment, as this will determine the shape and form of this next phase of my life.
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