Using Self Forgiveness to See and Understand Me – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 820

1483131536419071

Today when I woke up I experienced a resistance to getting out of bed mixed with a depression energy. I decided that I would speak some Self Forgiveness on my drive to work and see if I could open up within me what this experience was all about as it has become something of a familiar experience recently in the mornings, particularly when I work.

Initially when I started speaking Self Forgiveness I wasn’t really seeing anything specific and the Self Forgiveness seemed routine and the same ol’ points. However I decided to continue speaking the self forgiveness and after a few minutes I started hitting on points that were more specific and I began seeing and understanding my experience, or at least understanding the point that I was seeing in that moment about my relationship to my own inner experiences and my relationship to my work.

One of the main dimensions that I was seeing within me in relation to my work was that I was stuck in a kind of perpetual blame cycle towards my job where I had at some point decided that “it was my jobs fault” that “its my job that is causing and creating my experience”, “it was my jobs fault that my life is the way it is”

So within the Self Forgiveness I came to understand that I was making my job “more than” me, blaming my job for my current experience and so me not Standing as THEE point within myself as the Source of who I am and my experiences, rather I was in a point of allowing myself to say that it was my job that was the main thing, that “I” was doing everything right and nothing wrong and  that it was my job that was causing and creating my experience, and if my job would just change or be different, then I could go back to an experience that I would prefer, in other words, I was effectively disempowering myself.

So yes, totally giving my power and my responsibility away to this external point within my reality. So the speaking of Self Forgiveness really supported me to see what I have been accepting and allowing of myself in relation to this aspect of my job and I also saw that, how could I reap the fruits that I desire or want from my job if I am constantly blaming and judging and angry towards my job?

That is like having a child and wanting to have a deep, fun, and enjoyable relationship with the child but then raising that child through blaming it, judging it, criticizing it, being angry at it, ect… eventually you are going to create a resentment within the child towards you so in essence,

How can I create the success I am wanting with my job if I am in direct conflict with the very thing I am wanting to support this end. It’s a contradiction. So this was an interesting dynamic to see in the my relationship with my job and realizing here that It’s up to ME to establish a more effective supportive relationship with this particular part of my job that I was in conflict with, beginning with stopping that relationship where I was giving all my power away through blame, by saying “its your fault” so rather, now accepting, and realizing, I am the ONE, I am the SOURCE of my experience and I am the SOURCE of the relationship I create towards, with, as my job and so I must start working with my experience, like that experience I have of resistance and depression in the mornings that I seem to wake up with where for instance if I see this experience coming up again, I know that its connected to and based on the points of blame and abdication of my Self Responsibility in relation to my job and so can support myself to change this through for example, speaking some self forgiveness  and correct myself in those moments and Direct Myself to Stand as the  SOLE Creator of experience and so 100% responsible for them and my relationships that exist as me within my life.

So now going forwards after seeing this today, I am now going to practice identifying that ‘blame signature’ of this particular experience that has been coming through lately so that I can make sure to ALIGN myself according to Supporting myself and Standing as SELF RESPONSIBLE for Myself and my Experience and my Relationship to my Job so that  I can stop and change this experience and see how I can support myself to change my relationship to/within my job so that it is Supportive!

 

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential

Advertisements

Starting Small – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 797

Step4-Start-Small.jpg

Okay so seeing as how this is the last day of the month, I am going to do a bit of a review of how things have been going with me in my process of Self Change From Awareness to Actual Change this past month. Well a couple things I have started doing is I began a 30 day Yoga challenge as well as also doing a 30 Days “Nail Care” Challenge which for me is a ‘biggie’ because I have been chewing my nails extensively since as far back as I can remember, so basically this means ‘no chewing my nails’.

I decided to walk these challenges as a point of supporting myself to change my daily routine and daily habits into something where I am getting more out of myself and my life. My approach here is to work with some ‘smaller points’ and build some consistency, trust, and confidence with these points to support me in taking on the larger points.

What has happened with me is that I have been working with larger issues throughout my process that I see as “failures”  or where there is a lot more emotional and reactive points involved in these ‘larger issues’ and so from a certain perspective I have kind of destroyed my confidence by attempting to take on these larger points within myself with little to no change and so walking these 2 challenges is a way to ‘start small’ and work with some points that I am more confident with, that don’t have as many emotional or reactive layers so that I can develop some Trust and have some Success with walking and following through on points of Self Change.

The process of stopping chewing my nails is an interesting one because it is very much an energetic pattern that I have developed through the years where the chewing of the nails is a form of anxiety ‘release’ where I just kind of channel my experience into chewing my nails. So Recently I have been disrupting and changing this daily habit by no more accepting and allowing myself to chew my nails. I find I go to chew my nails between 10 to 15 times a day, so with this 30 day nail care challenge that gives me 10 to 15 moments throughout each day where I with awareness make a decision to change a particular bad habit and transform it into a moment where I simply allow my nails to GROW and here also Allow Myself to Simply BE HERE without going into the anxiety experience within chewing my nails. So here I am practicing stopping myself from habitually going into an energetic experience which I am used to doing multiple times every day.

The Second Challenge is the Yoga Challenge. I do this once a day for 10 to 15 min. I have a habit of when I get home from work to sit on the couch where I have my computer and will at times end up spending more time there then is actually supportive and so with the Yoga it is a time usually during my evening where I am “GETTING PHYSICAL” because  when I get home and want to relax after work that there is a tendency to allow myself to kind of sink into my mind a bit and so the Yoga practice has been a point of doing something Physical and spending that time with my Physical Body. So the Yoga Challenge is a point of Developing a Relationship to my physical body in a new way.

So far I am grateful I have endeavored to walk both of these challenges and I can see how even these new points in my day, even though they are small, are actually Real Moments where I am disrupting and changing a pattern and so Changing Myself which is quite cool. I am only about half way through each Challenge so will continue with these and monitor the feedback in terms of if these changes are making any difference in my ability to actually deal with more substantial points in my life which from a certain perspective I can see how they would, though I still must walk these processes more completely to really test this point.

 

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential

Change of Plans – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 770

autumn-birch

Today I was heading home and my car started to break down and I had to turn around and change my plans. Initially I was set on going home as I have been away for the week and I had scheduled myself to get back home and get back to my normal routine.

At first there was some denial within me, telling myself that “I will make it” and just wanting to power through and just hope for the best which is somewhat characteristic of how I do things sometimes where I will rather just do it and hope I make it, instead of making sure I make it, and then removing that hope point out of the equation.

Eventually I decided that the best thing is to postpone my departure and get my car fixed. It was really the obvious thing to do, though at first I resisted it and didn’t want to change my plans.

Yesterday I was writing about the point of “Stillness” and how that was a word I wanted to bring back with me when I went home. Interestingly, today that word was no where to be found. I had pretty much just let the word slip out of my awareness completely until this evening.

Although another point that I was writing about yesterday came through a bit stronger today and that was the point of how I can use writing to stabilized myself. Essentially, being ‘Still” is also a kind of stability, and practically speaking, writing is a way I can root myself into the ground to support that stability and stillness of Self.

I was looking at this yesterday because I have noticed that I have become more uprooted recently and this has coincided with overall less Consistent Self-Writing in my life. Particularly here in my blog.

So getting back to earlier today…

After I made the decision to change my plans and stay a few more days, I felt quite relaxed, relieved and actually satisfied. It also does give me a window of time where I can relax some more which is definitely something I am embracing. Its funny, because if I even look at how I structured my vacation, it really was for a small period of time, which wasn’t actually enough to really step out of my routine where with the few added days now, It does give me a window where I can just support myself to regroup and calm down a bit and potentially just slow myself down. I say potentially, because its not a given. I find it is directly related to me and the decisions I make not just in my outside reality, but also particularly in my inside reality, where my inner stability is based on what I accept and allow myself to participate in within myself, what thoughts, emotions, patterns, ect. So I have a small window now here where I am presented with an opportunity to support myself but that I will still in fact have to do this for myself.

In terms of the car. I am getting my clutch replaced….lol…..The problem was I really had to step on the gas and the engine would get really loud but the car would hardly move. Sometimes it feels like that in reality where I feel like I am busy busy all day long but things just seem to move soooo slowly. So what is the Key to Self Change or actually Creating Change in ones World for Real? The word that is jumping out at me as I ask that question is the word CONSISTENCY. That is the second time this word has come up in this blog so perhaps I will dedicate some more writing time to this word specifically in my next blogs.

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

The CORE of my Process – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 765

 

Core Foundation  (498x800)

After walking a process of Self Development, Self Change and now getting into Self Creation with myself, over the last 8 years or so, an interesting aspect came through last night after receiving some good news.

Throughout the past year, there have been times when things were really challenging and I have had to just find a way to keep going and keep pushing, and then there were also times where things were a bit easy and things were more working out.

But one thing that I have found coming through for myself in this process of Self Change, is that the CORE of my process does not actually change according to if things are going easy or if they are more challenging. The Core stays the same, and that Core is the process of “working on self”.

Last night I received some “good news” after quite a while where things were challenging and then finally there was a bit of a breakthrough of sorts in my outside reality for a moment.

I was relieved, and excited, but at the same time there was an awareness and stance within me around the understanding that “nothing really changes” in terms of what is actually important to me.

What I have come to realize for myself is that my attention, and my focus must always be on that real part of me that is really determining the outflow in my life. Its almost like the external reality fluctuates quite a bit and goes into highs and lows. But what I have found about Self Change, is that that process is very slow moving and it doesn’t really fluctuate. It moves like a snail moves. When I look at a snail moving, it doesn’t really seem to fluctuate. It is more just slow and steady, and that is what I am finding happens with Self Change. For me it hasn’t happened quickly and it doesn’t happen in an instant. Although it does happen in a moment, where you decide to change, where you decide to act and direct yourself in a different and new way when faced with particular moments and people ect. But in order to really change, you have to keep re-enforcing that new behavior over and over over a period of time and I have found that takes a while.

It can sometimes be easy to get swept away by good news or overwhelmed by tough times. But for me what I am realizing about this process and “where I want to be” is that I want to be Here, and want to be here making sure that I am still focusing on changing those reaction patterns of emotions, thoughts, and behaviors no matter what is going on in my life. This core application is where I want to continue to focus on daily to really create myself into who I want to be.

I can take responsibility for myself. Its kind of like I am the steering wheel of life. I have to continue to focus on working on that core part of myself and make sure I am aligned and going in the right way in my life. Its so easy to just get lost in your mind, and swept away by your thoughts, or emotions, and so it is important to continue working on understanding how the mind works, and how one has created and programmed oneself throughout their life and then so how to correct those parts of yourself that do not actually support you to live to your utmost potential.

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

Living Words – ‘CLEAR’ – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 744

Runner-stretching-on-a-dock

So tonight is one of those nights where I have been wanting to write a blog, and I have been thinking about different possibilities to the point where now my going off in different directions and potentials inside myself and can’t seem to settle on something.

So, I will just begin the blog as a point of getting myself grounded and here and see what opens up.

How about something different.

Today I am living the word….mmmmm…….dang, what is it……oh yes, “Planning”. I have recently began testing out the process of Living a New Word Each Day as a point of Self Creation. And today was the word “Planning” and a couple days ago I lived the word “New” So, today I will reach back into the past and snatch this word “New” and Live this word by writing something that isn’t so typical for me to write about.

Well, how about I write about this process of Living Words.

For me this is the first time I have been more active and consistent with taking a word each day and living it.

And so far it has been interesting, sometimes frustrating, and overall, a process that I see is supportive and will continue to explore, expand and develop, because I realize that this process of Living Words is like anything else where its not perfect in the beginning and sometimes there is growing pains but that is just how things go when you are learning something new.
Basically, I pick a new word each evening, and then define for myself how I will live that word the next day. Sometimes I do this in writing, or I will discuss it with my partner,  and what I noticed is that usually there is like one clear application that I can see how to apply a word. Sometimes the application is an ‘inner’ application, like letting go of self judgment in a moment when I see it comes up, or it is an ‘outer’ application, like for instance in Living the word ‘Planning’ today, I phoned ahead and arranged to have my car picked up tomorrow morning at 8am.

What I see is that there is various dimensions and contexts in which to live words.

Tomorrow my word I am going to Live is the word ‘Clear’.

I decided on this word because being Clear is something that I would like to be, and eventually Stand within in an absolute sense. Yesterday I wasn’t clear with myself and ended up in patterns and behaviors and experiences, that I know does not represent the best of me. So the word for tomorrow will be the word  ‘Clear’. Within this I can assist and support myself to not accept and allow thoughts, backchats, internal chatter that I see is not supportive for me so will support myself to practice remaining clear and here, and not clouded up with thoughts, and inner backchat.

Within this I commit myself to support me to push myself to ‘remain with my physical body’ instead of going into rabbit hole thought patterns that only take me into the mind and into preoccupation. So being Clear, is Standing Here with the Physical Body where I am aware of myself and aware of my breath, and aware of the depths and subtleties of my physical body. If I am in my mind participating in my own inner chatter or getting caught up in emotional experiences, I will not be able to see what is going on within and as my body or my awareness. So being Clear, Clears the air so I can see. Like looking across a clear lake, you can see far into the distance, and you can hear a fish jump a mile away because all is calm and all is clear.

I can also see the word ‘Clean’ within the word Clear, and so another dimension of the word Clear is the words ‘Clean’, and ‘Cleanliness’. So to Live the word clear is also to mean, not clogging up my body with unhealthy foods or actions which inhibit or supress the body’s natural expression, but rather to keep it clear and clean. For instance sitting on the couch in couch potato mode I see does not support me to be here and clear.

So I have opened up a few dimensions of this word Clear, which I will practice Living tomorrow and see what else comes up.

Oh, I just saw one more point – Clearing my desk, or making sure my workspace is clear, that is another cool application I can direct tomorrow as well.

Okay that’s all for now.

Changing Ones Experiences in Real Time – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 733

Untitled 1

Today while I was at work I decided to apply a technique that was explained in one of the latest interviews on EQAFE.

Part of my Job at the moment is I spend normally 1 day a week working the sales floor at the Art Gallery where I sell my sculptures. This has been great because it gives me an opportunity to talk with clients, potential clients, and just art admirers about the work I do and about their own collections. This has really supported me in gaining more insight into why and how people buy art which is important for me seeing as how I am working as a professional artist.

Now during this time I have tested out various ways to interact with those who walk into the gallery and have looked at how best to do this.

The context within which I am standing is quite specific where I am essentially standing as a Sales Professional in a setting where I am representing myself, other artists, and the galley, where my primary role is to sell the artwork in the gallery.

This now creates a specific dynamic when people walk into the gallery where when I engage with them, I am doing so in a particular way, within the context that I am a salesman.

I have noticed that sometimes when people walk in and it looks like they are potential buyers, I start to get nervous and find it more difficult to communicate and interact with them. Other times, when they seem like ‘just admirers’, I am more comfortable and its easier to speak with them.

So today I noticed a familiar experience of anxiety coming up within me in relation to clients walking into the gallery, and so I applied the technique that was laid out in the Eqafe Interview I listened to last night.

First I looked at my initial experience that I was having which was a reactive experience triggering and ‘happening to me’ when someone would walk into the gallery. This anxiety that would come up, I found influenced me within moving to talk and interact with the customers.

So firstly, I wrote down the words that was coming up as the reactions

  • Hopeless
  • Helpless
  • Distant
  • Disconnected
  • Desperate
  • Anxiety

And then next I wrote down the words that I would rather like to live and express in those moments when people walk into the gallery

  • Here
  • Open
  • Simplicity
  • Calm
  • Inner Quiet
  • Anchored
  • Grounded
  • Settled

So as customers walked in and the reactive anxiety experience would come up, I would practice focusing on these other words, the words I wanted to be and express, and so then practiced moving out of the reaction words and into these other words.

Overall it was supportive, and throughout the day, I would pull out the piece of paper I had the words written on and re-visit them.

An observation I made was that having the new words written down, and now a part of my awareness in such moments when I faced this anxiety reaction gave me something else to focus on and direct and move myself and my attention into instead of just having the anxiety experience be the only thing in my awareness.

So I will continue to test out this application and I would recommend for anyone interested in hearing about this particular application to invest in the Source where the best description is given which is the interview on Eqafe.

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

Forgetting To Actively Change – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 730

car-push

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want change to happen to me, or for me, where it is something that happens automatically, not seeing, realizing, and understanding that Self Change is something that I have to actually do in full awareness and be the primary directive within this. And that if I am not willing to stand within that point of commitment, then this to me indicates I didn’t’ really want to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want change to be easy, and not realizing that real change must be real change and so which requires a certain process or substance within it for it to stand as actual real change, and that I must be committed to walking and being that, no matter what it is and what is required, and if I am not, then I don’t really want to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just hope that Self Change happens, where I for instance will make a commitment to myself of how I want to be and then kind of just continue on with my life how I usually do, not considering that any Self Change that occurs within and as myself is something that I must do for myself in full awareness and must walk in each breath as the testament of my actually wanting to change and my willingness to walk that change for myself step by step, day by day until it is HERE as Me that can be measured and not questioned or challenged, but is an actual Change that is HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, or understand how actively I must participate with and engage with Self Change to actually create it within and as myself.

I see, realize, and understand that for me to actually Change myself in areas and parts of myself that I am wanting to change, I must actually walk this change for and as myself each step of the way, carrying myself all the way through and as this change as the evidence that I do in fact want to change. If I say that I want to change, but then I do not in fact Walk the Change, then, I can see that my want was not Real, because if it was, I would have walked the Change and it would be HERE.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to Live Change as a daily action as the active engagement in the Self Change of myself in the areas that I have identified and specified and committed to changing about myself.

I commit myself to realize that each increment of change that occurs is an increment that I did for myself where I stood in the awareness of what I was/am doing, and got behind myself and pushed myself through and as that increment of Change where my full weight and awareness was behind and as this process of change and this increment of change that I moved myself within and as.

So this point came up today when I was looking at a particular point of change that I have been working on for a while now, that again was not coming through, and so in re-looking at what about this point I was not walking effectively, I noticed this dimension of where I will still ‘hope for change’ where it’s like there will be a ‘leap of faith’ taking place with my process of change instead of me making sure I walk every step for and as myself with awareness where I do not need a leap of faith, because I am actually walking the change in each breath and each moment and each day.

So I commit myself to realize, that self change is never something that just happens automatically or by itself without my direct awareness, attention, and direction, and I see also how, that willingness to see a change through all its phases and processes, where one is willing to walk that change through time until it is done, is a testament of ones actual Truth of their want within oneself to really change.