Using Self Forgiveness to See and Understand Me – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 820

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Today when I woke up I experienced a resistance to getting out of bed mixed with a depression energy. I decided that I would speak some Self Forgiveness on my drive to work and see if I could open up within me what this experience was all about as it has become something of a familiar experience recently in the mornings, particularly when I work.

Initially when I started speaking Self Forgiveness I wasn’t really seeing anything specific and the Self Forgiveness seemed routine and the same ol’ points. However I decided to continue speaking the self forgiveness and after a few minutes I started hitting on points that were more specific and I began seeing and understanding my experience, or at least understanding the point that I was seeing in that moment about my relationship to my own inner experiences and my relationship to my work.

One of the main dimensions that I was seeing within me in relation to my work was that I was stuck in a kind of perpetual blame cycle towards my job where I had at some point decided that “it was my jobs fault” that “its my job that is causing and creating my experience”, “it was my jobs fault that my life is the way it is”

So within the Self Forgiveness I came to understand that I was making my job “more than” me, blaming my job for my current experience and so me not Standing as THEE point within myself as the Source of who I am and my experiences, rather I was in a point of allowing myself to say that it was my job that was the main thing, that “I” was doing everything right and nothing wrong and  that it was my job that was causing and creating my experience, and if my job would just change or be different, then I could go back to an experience that I would prefer, in other words, I was effectively disempowering myself.

So yes, totally giving my power and my responsibility away to this external point within my reality. So the speaking of Self Forgiveness really supported me to see what I have been accepting and allowing of myself in relation to this aspect of my job and I also saw that, how could I reap the fruits that I desire or want from my job if I am constantly blaming and judging and angry towards my job?

That is like having a child and wanting to have a deep, fun, and enjoyable relationship with the child but then raising that child through blaming it, judging it, criticizing it, being angry at it, ect… eventually you are going to create a resentment within the child towards you so in essence,

How can I create the success I am wanting with my job if I am in direct conflict with the very thing I am wanting to support this end. It’s a contradiction. So this was an interesting dynamic to see in the my relationship with my job and realizing here that It’s up to ME to establish a more effective supportive relationship with this particular part of my job that I was in conflict with, beginning with stopping that relationship where I was giving all my power away through blame, by saying “its your fault” so rather, now accepting, and realizing, I am the ONE, I am the SOURCE of my experience and I am the SOURCE of the relationship I create towards, with, as my job and so I must start working with my experience, like that experience I have of resistance and depression in the mornings that I seem to wake up with where for instance if I see this experience coming up again, I know that its connected to and based on the points of blame and abdication of my Self Responsibility in relation to my job and so can support myself to change this through for example, speaking some self forgiveness  and correct myself in those moments and Direct Myself to Stand as the  SOLE Creator of experience and so 100% responsible for them and my relationships that exist as me within my life.

So now going forwards after seeing this today, I am now going to practice identifying that ‘blame signature’ of this particular experience that has been coming through lately so that I can make sure to ALIGN myself according to Supporting myself and Standing as SELF RESPONSIBLE for Myself and my Experience and my Relationship to my Job so that  I can stop and change this experience and see how I can support myself to change my relationship to/within my job so that it is Supportive!

 

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Developing a Platform of Support – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 223

Tearing the Programming, Pencil Crayon on Paper, 8x10in, 2010

This is the final installment of the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application I have applied on the back-chat statement “I am slave” in relation to the point of Self Victimization. This is the final installment of the following blog posts:

The Relationship of My Inner Words to my Outer World – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 222
Finding A Point of Stability within the Storm – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 221
BackChat – I am Slave – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 220
Inner Voice of Inequality – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 219
Manipulating Myself with The Voice in My Head – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 218
#%$# Why Can’t I just Do What I Want – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 217
Victimization Character – BackChat Dimension – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 216

When and as I see myself getting to the point of speaking the back-chat “I am a slave” I instead of speaking such a statement stop myself and instead assist and support myself to rather remain stable within myself as I see that within speaking the back-chat “I am slave” I am opening myself up to the point of “becoming overwhelmed” by my own experience where this statement of “I am slave” in a way also is existing as a statement of giving up and accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself within my stand and to just allow myself to become overwhelmed by my experience and so I commit myself to assist and support myself to when I reach such moments where I want to speak such back-chat to within realizing that this only facilitate the process of “becoming overwhelmed by my experience” I stop myself and instead assist and support myself to change this aspect/point/part of myself as this particular moment/point I have/reach inside myself where I give my permission to be overwhelmed by an experience and so thus to correct this part/moment/decision/crux inside myself to instead of allowing me to continue walking a point of self abuse and self destruction as the point of allowing me to become overwhelemed by my experience which I give permission to within speaking the back-chat “I am slave” I rather in this moment stop and change so that I instead change this relationship within myself to one that is Aligned with Self Support where now when I reach such moments where I am for instance frustrated and just want to give up on myself and speak such back-chat as I am slave, I in that moment stop me and breath and assist and support myself to utilize breathing as a point to stabilize myself within myself no more accepting and allowing myself to allow me to activate the point of “overwhelment” within and through speaking the back-chat statement “I am slave” within me, and instead develop my ability to when faced with such moments, Stablize myself and support myelf to remain Here and Stable within myself no more accepting and allowing me to go into the point of Self overwhelment

I see that to speak the back-chat statement “I am a slave” is indicating to me that there is aspects of my life and application that I must look at/investigate and give direction to. And so I commit myself to assist and support myself to instead of speaking the back-chat statement “I am slave” or if I see this statement coming up within me to instead of “going into such a statement” to look at myself and my daily living and ask myself where and what am I living during my day today or recently that I am wanting to change/correct but am not, or am wanting to give direction but am not, and so here I commit myself to instead of just speaking the back-chat statement “I am slave” and that is that – To Instead direct this point in a practical way where I empower myself to change me through looking at what about my world is causing this point to come up where I’d reach such a point of speaking the back-chat statement “I am slave” which I see in fact disempower me. And so I commit myself to notice within myself where I start to get irritated with myself or frustrated which within allowing to go unnoticed and given no direction lead to a compounded experience where eventually I would in my frustration have such back-chats come up and so here I commit myself to assist and support myself to direct this back-chat statement “I am slave” before it even comes up through assisting and supporting myself to take an “Active” role within assisting and supporting myself and thus looking at what points in my world I am still frustrated with and not satisfied with and to thus give those points practical direction instead of leaving them unattended.

I commit myself to instead of spending my time and attention constantly thinking about and worrying about “how I am a slave” to myself and my world, to instead place my attention on my practical application within my day and taking a simplistic approach to assisting and supporting myself to in fact Be Self Directive within myself and within my life where I commit myself to develop my ability to look at my world practically and also to look at me within my process practically – assisting and supporting myself to identify and see what points I require to work on and direct within my day.

I see/realize/understand that to speak the back-chat statement “I am slave” within the context of Self Victimization is a point of Self Limitation. I See that what I am doing is disempowering myself within my ability to give direction to myself or to a point, and so thus I stop accepting and allowing myself to “take this route” to constantly accept and allow myself to “Speak this statement” “I am Slave” which then result in a particular experience of myself and also behavior that always lead to the exact same point which is never self empowerment but rather a point of not taking responsibility for myself and so thus, I commit myself to change this particular point and this part / aspect of me that I have accepted and allowed myself to create/participate in, where instead I stop walking that road and develop a new path where I instead of taking this route as the speaking of the back-chat statement “I am slave” I rather look at and investigate how I am able to practically move myself to correct myself and assist and support me to empower me within myself , and within my approach to “Handling Myself” where in I commit myself to assist and support myself to develop an ability to stabilize myself – something that I have never done – and practically physically correct myself in such moments and take Responsibility for myself instead of disempowering myself through speaking the back-chat statement “I am slave” which everyime I speak, it is like the point of opening an old wound that has not quite healed yet and so over and over this eventually create a scar within me and so I commit myself to correct this point to stop opening this wound and when I have reached such moments where I wold normally just “open up the old wound” I stop and in that moment breathe and practive/develop my ability to instead Stablize Myself in such moments and remaining here in and as breath and no more accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself through by speaking the statement “I am slave” and so instead of speaking the back-chat statement “I am slave” I Live the words “I am HERE” by assisting and supporting myself to breathe and to remain here and stable in and as breath/breathing.

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