Snowballing in Anxiety Momentum – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 448

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anxiety to direct me within my decision making process where I have accepted and allowed myself to use anxiety as an excuse to make ineffective decisions or to indulge in different things where I tell myself that “I cannot help it because I have too much anxiety and thus I am not able to make effective decisions that are best for me and actually support me”

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop utilizing ‘anxiety’ as an excuse to make decisions that are not best for me or/and that do not support me.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself going into that point of ‘using anxiety as an excuse to ‘indulge’ or make a decision that I know is not best or supportive for me but that I ‘do it anyways’ to stop and slow myself down and bring myself Here. Here I assist and support myself to stop and still myself, taking a breath and bring myself here so that I can instead make a Self-Directed Decision done in Self Stability and Stillness instead of just accepting and allowing myself to be swept along in a series of decisions made within and as anxiety where I am actually not in fact looking at and or assessing each point/moment that is here clearly and then directing myself within it from a point of stability and hereness, but rather, I am just making quick decisions where I am not really in fact exploring or even looking at the point(s) that is here in the moment and then making a practical decision for myself in a way that would be supportive but rather am just kind of ‘taking the first thing that comes up’ and not really at all assessing or caring if that thing/point is indeed practical and or self supportive. I also see that I am not slowing myself down and actually stopping myself in each breath/decision as I am walking step by step in my day but am more existing in a kind of snowballing state where its like there is this mind momentum built up in relation to and as this anxiety and I am just kind of caught up in it and so am just moving and snowballing along within and as anxiety. And so…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize anxiety as an excuse to not direct myslef from the perspective of defining it as “more than me” and thus defining myself as unable to do anything about it and thus justifying why such an anxiety then influence who I am and my decisions/direction,  and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this anxiety experience that I have been having lately as “more than me” and to have been “just going with it” instead of stopping myself and stabilizing myself within a point of willing myself to in moments where I see this anxiety driving and fueling my direction and movement to in such moments actually stop myself,  bring myself back here to/within a point of breath and thus simply stop participating with  ‘just continuing to roll along in the momentum of my anxiety experience’. And so…

I commit myself to when and as I see myself existing within this ‘momentum anxiety experience’ to in such moments assist and support myself to actually just take that moment to Stop and bring myself Here, and in this assisting and supporting myself to step out of that movement of momentum that I have been experiencing and seeing myself within lately related to the point of ‘being anxious’. And so here in such moments when I see/realize that the movement/direction I am about to take is in fact based in that anxiety momentum to in such a moment simply stop, and bring myself back here and thus then ‘re-assess’ the moment/decision/direction and in that re-assessment, explore and investigate what in fact would be supportive for me and so to here within this, ‘stopping’ and not accepting and allowing myself to ‘continue within’ or ‘just go with’ my anxiety momentum experience/movement, and so am assisting and supporting myself to step out of it and assist and support myself to regain and re-establish Self Stability in every moment where I am in fact moving and directing myself, not based on an energetic experience but rather from starting point of simply being here and assessing in and as Self Stability how to practically direct myself in a way that is in fact Self Supportive.

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Waiting For A Magical E-mail – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 401

Today I was a bit ‘lighter’ (in my experience) than yesterday which is interesting because the day in itself in terms of the routine was not any different yet my experience of myself was.

I have been a bit impatient with myself lately at work. On my breaks I go to my car and often I will turn on my phone and scroll through my facebook stream and check my e-mail.

I noticed a particular point within doing this, which is ‘looking for a savoir’

I can see this has to do with the point of accepting and allowing myself to see ‘my life’ as being ‘out of my control’ and me having really very little directive principle within the movement/direction and or success and failure of my life.

So I scroll through my facebook stream and check my e-mail to see if that one ‘magical e-mail’ has come to me yet. The magical e-mail where it will ‘fix everything’ and ‘solve all my problems’.

So I see that this then is implying that I am feeling powerless within my life, and really, I often do feel this way.

I experience myself in my life like I am walking such a thin line where its like I am just waiting for things to fall apart. And within this I experience myself as absolutely powerless and  helpless to be able to do anything about my situation. And so in such an automated way I am anxiously checking my e-mail to see if that ‘savior e-mail’ has come yet, that will change everything and change my life. My email will save me, I am powerless to do anything about my life so I will check my e-mail as if this is the only thing I can do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to everyday check my e-mail and to every-time I open my e-mail, look and hope for an e-mail that will be like an answer. An answer to my life, to my situation, where contained in this e-mail is an opportunity where now my life will change, normally this in some way being linked to money/ making money. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do this everyday instead of directing myself in such a way in my life where I no more EVER go into ‘hope’ or ‘hoping for solutions to just magically appear’ because I don’t require to, because I am here directing my life in every moment where I am the directive principle of me/my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for that magic e-mail instead of me writing that magic e-mail myself meaning where instead of waiting for a Solution to land on my doorstep or in my inbox, why not I actually direct myself to explore what I can do to establish and practical solution for myself within the context of Solidifying  stability within the various points/aspect of my life such as job/money/relationship etc. I mean often I am sitting there waiting for this opportunity to come to me related to Art. So I see that this has not worked for me and so thus I must Change my approach to where instead of waiting for that magical email to enter my inbox with the recipe of how I can practically become a success, I can instead look at what emails I can send or other practical points I can Physically Practically Do to change all these moments of ‘waiting for a solution’ into me directing myself practically in the physical in ways which I have deduced is an area I can explore/apply myself in as a practical direction/task to move as a way to explore how this can become part of my own Self Created Solution where basically the main point here is, to STOP waiting for a solution. To Stop waiting for solutions from others, to stop waiting for others to make my life work. Because that is what I see too, that I am constantly waiting passively for ‘others’ to give me opportunities, to show me the way, provide for me a Solution instead of stopping this and slowly but surely, step by step do this for myself in REAL PRACTICAL PHYSICAL ACTION.

I was actually discussing this point last night with a friend of mine, and I was discussing how I have allot of ideas running through my mind where its like I am trying to construct a solution in my mind, and the point that I realized is that all the ideas in my mind is not the problem, meaning the points I am looking at as potential solutions may or may not work, the point is that I MUST make it physical. And so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about so many cool ideas of how I can practically assist and support myself in my career but not ever apply these ideas in the physical where there has become a form of disconnection where none of my ideas and considerations in my mind are ‘making it to physical reality’. I see that this point must be sorted out and I must move myself in my physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to holdback and wait for things to happen to me instead of taking an ‘engaging stance’ within my life where I in fact ‘engage my life’ and direct myself to explore, test, apply various possible solutions IN THE PHYSICAL instead of just ‘looking at’ all the things everyone else is doing or looking at the potential points/solutions in my mind, but not ever doing/trying these things myself but more just remaining in the ‘looking at’ stage or ‘holding back’ stage, and thus have never really learned how to practically apply myself in physical reality particularly when it comes to money. But more have just remained in the ‘research only stage’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the thought, that “because I have never been successful with money, that I never will be” and in relation to this thought go into an experience of self doubt, and then just ‘give up’ without even trying because the backchat in my head tells me ‘what’s the use’ where I believe that I will just fail anyways.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to place the ideas I have about how to direct myself within my life/career into practical application as I see that 90 percent of the time “I never get around it” and then end up in a point where I am anxiously scrolling through my facebook and checking my e-mail to see if some magical solution suddenly will show up in my inbox, because I myself have not taken any actions, any practical application of the points I have looked at or considered within my mind/mental reality as possible solutions/avenues to explore and test out in physical reality.

I commit myself to stop existing in and as the ‘WAITING for things to happen Character’ as the Character I live daily, particularly in relation to my career/job/money. Where yes, I will have lots of cool ideas, but that is as far as it gets, and so here I commit myself to assist and support myself bring through into physical reality the ideas/considerations in terms of what I could practically do to support myself within the context of my job/work/career/money.

I commit myself to stop giving Authority to others as being the ones that will make my life work where I have inferiorized myself in a way thinking that “I know nothing” or that I have no authority  or ability on/in ‘such matters’ when it comes to running a business for instance or making money, and so as a result I have given all my power away to others where I have basically stood back and waited for them to ‘make my life work’ and so here I commit myself to assist and support myself to ‘Take Action’ and stop waiting for others to ‘give me’ solutions or points I require, where essentially I stand back and wait for others to take action instead of me actually just doing this myself, because what I am finding is that if I am waiting for others to take action, I could be waiting for a while.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for permission to do/try/test something, where I have abdicated my power to others to “give me permission’ to try some idea I have, like they will know best, and in this not do anything unless someone else thinks it will work or gives me permission to do it, were in essence I have placed the authority of others before my own to the extent where I will never interject myself or speak my mind or contribute in an equal way because “what do I know”

I commit myself to make time in my life to actually practically apply the ideas/considerations that I have looked at in terms of possible points I could apply myself within to support me within my life/career. Time is limited on earth and so I must utilize that time effectively and thus stop putting off putting my considerations into practical application. And so I commit myself to rather do a little each day even if it is just a small bit, because rather do a little than nothing, and through time that will accumulate.

I commit myself to actually LIST down on paper the ideas that I have looked instead of leaving this stuff  up in my head and so to within listing these ideas, I am writing down a list to apply/test in the physical and so then from the list to proceed to actually moving the points in the physical reality, and thus stop waiting for my life to happen to me and just hope by some miracle that the perfect solution appear, rather I can give this point some Direction by actually practically applying the points that I see/consider as possible solutions within the context of what I am looking at doing with my life, and so thus here actually testing the stuff in the physical instead of not testing it all and just saying or thinking ‘that will never work’

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Fear of Talking to People – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 275

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself if I make a mistake when I speak to someone and I mess up with what I say, where this judgement developed into a kind of fear that eventually possessed me and possesses me where in moments of interaction with others, I will not speak up, or share my view on something because this way I remain “safe” where I do not have to risk messing up or face the point of other people judging me which is actually more related to me judging myself and worrying what other people think of me.
I commit myself to when I am with people or around people to walk through that “force” that is like a presence within me that in fact my fear standing as like a barrier that I will accept and allow to direct/control/influence me in what I do and what I say where I will “decide” to just rather not speak or communicate or interact with someone where this decision happen in a moment and seem like I am just making a normal decision but really behind it is FEAR, and so when and as I see this fear existing within me which I experience as a kind of resistance and aversion to speaking with people or approaching someone and communicating with them, I stop and I breathe, I realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself extensively within my life within where I have not pushed myself to really communicate with people and get comfortable with interacting and communicating with people which is something that I would like to do, and so I see that the only way to do this is to practically push through that initial resistance point and simply face my fear and walk through and actually SPEAK and COMMUNICATE with people, allowing myself to maybe make mistakes or have it not be perfect but within this assisting and supporting myself to “learn to walk” from this perspective where sometimes I will stumble or fall but to trust myself that I will get it with practice and so I do continue walking through the fear and pushing myself to speak/interact/communicate with people until I become effective, comfortable within this point, something that I want to do but till now have not bothered to actually change myself by walking through my fear and thus facing my fear of communicating and interacting with people.

 

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Sudden Surges of Anxiety/Fear – An Artists Journey To Life – Day 193

This is a continuation of the following blog posts

Sinking into Heaviness – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 192
Aligning My Expression with the Physical – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 191
Stepping Out of Track – An Artists Journey To Life Day 190
Sorting out my Past Perceptions about Myself – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 189
Finding Excuses to Hold Back – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 188
Disrupting My Attention – Self Corrections – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 187
Subtly Blaming My Genetics – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 186


In my last blog I looked at/explored the reactions of heaviness within myself that I ‘sink into’ as the reaction that comes up in relation to the “fear of failing in my Art Endeavours” I notice that what comes up very quickly before the heaviness is a sudden anxiety within my solar plexus. I would also describe this “sudden anxiety” as the actual initial fear experience. It is like a fluttering of anxiety that comes up really fast within my solar plexus.

So this is where I will start today as I continue exploring/laying out my “Reaction Dimension” that occur in relation to the initial fear that I have of failing at this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the reaction of anxiety which I see as also fear that suddenly comes up within my solar plexus like a sudden fluttering/shuttering energy surge experience that vibrate within my solar plexus when ever I start going into my mind and thinking about and looking at the point of possibly failing at this art point or /and also when I go into my imagination dimension and looking at playing out all the potential / possible various ways that I could fail or will fail, where in doing this this shuttering anxiety experience emerge suddenly and quickly within my solar plexus.

I commit myself to flag point this “sudden anxiety/fear experience in my solar plexus” that comes up in relation to this point of walking this art point so that I am able to more specifically identify exactly how and when this “sudden reaction” comes up within me, so that I can within this assist and support myself to stabilize myself within my application / walking of this point where in I pinpoint and lay out in exact detail in my “writing out of my myself” this point/reaction point so to identify how specifically I am creating it and have created/constructed it within myself, where I am able to look at specifically the different memories/past experiences/beliefs I have attached to this “sudden reaction/anxiety/fear experience” within me.

Also here I commit myself to as I open up and develop understanding and clarity on this point to thus stop my auto-participation in this point where In I automatically accept energetic reactions without in fact understanding them in exact detail in terms of what I am in fact participating with and or accepting and allowing myself to tacitly participate with/agree with/ perpetuate by participating with reactions automatically without understanding the exact context of what that “reaction” is or how it was/is created and all the various relationships I have connected to that particular reaction, and so within this assist and support myself to start develop Real Self Understanding and Awareness that I can TRUST, so to while doing this assist and support me to become more stable and also SELF Directed within myself/ my life / my application no more being guided here and there by energetic impulses that come up/ suddenly come up quickly within my body / my self that often I do not even noticed due to having become so accustom and conditioned to participating with that particular energetic reactions/feeling/emotion/experience within myself.

 

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