The Force of Fear – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 814


Last week I ended up leaving work early after noticing some pain and discomfort in my shoulder. I decided I would take the rest of the week off, and the weekend as I usually do and be ready for work again on Monday. By Sunday it was clear that the injury I sustained would require more time for healing. I set a new goal to be back to work mid-week and now today marks the mid-week and once again I am met with the reality of the situation, that more time is required.

So this has been an interesting experience/process because suddenly and unexpectedly I am unable to do the job and purpose I have given myself and have been focusing on for the past 4 years.

The first couple days I resisted facing myself, meaning I resisted facing myself in those moments where I would have to direct myself where normally I would be at work giving all my attention and energy to that where suddenly I have been forced into a different reality where what I have been focusing on day in and day out for the past few years is not an option, and so I now I have to figure out something else to do with myself and my time.

In a way this is actually quite cool because I haven’t really had a moment to do this in quite some time because I kind of created a routine that I have been living out and so not really needing to create my day in any other way than the usual routine.

I had been trying to work through the pain for a while until finally I pushed it too far and ended up hurting myself.

This brought up some considerations for me regarding how I wasn’t really directing myself supportively and so I have been looking at what experiences lead up to the injury and how I can adjust and realign my approach to my job so that I am doing it in a more supportive and sustainable way instead of just soldiering through with my head down, insisting that, I have no other choice, then suddenly my body physically gives out.

One driving force in this reality that I see I have definitely allowed to influence me in my life which contributed to this injury is the force of FEAR. And specifically Fear in relation to survival which is connected with Money and so one drives oneself to make money getting so caught up in that FEAR of Survival that in my case I pushed my physical body in such a way where it gave out.

So definitely some introspection necessary here to sort this accepted Fear of Survival taking such a hold on my expression and drive and direction in life to the point where I needed a physical reminder as a body injury to SNAP ME OUT OF IT or at least put in a position where I stop for a moment and look at how I have been living.

Actually in all honesty, I am also relieved. Relieved to be able to have a moment to not think about that  which I have been thinking about soooooo much for the past 4 years, and so I have an opportunity to kind of just step back for a moment and assess everything and step out of those thought patterns that I have been engaged in for so long. So yes, some relief to now just have a moment to step out of that routine.

So in assessing my physical body day to day, I would say I am at LEAST a week away from returning to work. And during this time I can began practicing LISTENING to my Body and actually Honoring the feedback its giving me and stop accepting and allowing myself to come up with reasons to continue pushing myself until I get hurt. I told myself  “I had no choice” where now that things have slowed down a bit, I do see that I actually during that time I was busy pushing to complete the projects I wanted too, that I did have a choice during that time and I could have slowed down, and been more patient. So its been an interesting few days and I will continue to walk both the inner and outer of supporting myself through this injury process.


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Infinite Moments of Patience – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 801


In my recent blogs I have been opening up the mysteries of “Patience” and looking at what stories I have missed and how I can create myself to be more patient within myself and my life. I ended off my last blog looking at the dimension of “Personal Patience” which I see as where patience is lived within self on a fundamental level of self and isn’t so much related to external points, such as for example being patient when starting new projects or when walking towards ones external life goals.

For myself I have noticed a tendency for me to always be looking at or thinking about “how my life could be better” and also how I could make more money or achieve more external successes where this kind of preoccupation has become a kind of obsession in a way.


Why am I so driven to achieve these external successes to the degree where I experience a desperation, essentially feeling like I am missing something without them?

So this is why I have here been looking at this word Patience on a more personal level or would like to explore this a bit more. Like how do I walk/live patience each day?

When I am at home, when I am communicating with my partner, or someone else, when I am doing the dishes, reading a book, walking to my car, driving, listening to music. Am I impatient within these tasks as well? How about when I am writing a blog? Am I patient with myself.

Last night I did get a bit flustered at the end of my blog where I felt a bit hasty at the end.

So perhaps this is where I could focus my application of Living and Integrating this word Patience into myself and life more. I can focus my application on my day to day, moment to moment of who I am as this word Patience. And here I can practice walking Patience in ALL moments in my life, not just in the big projects or opportunities that open up. But here I can investigate how to Live Patience from moment to moment, breath by breath, because I can see there is multitudes upon multitudes of moments where ‘Patience’ can be lived. Ultimately the moments seem infinite.



To Live and Express this word as myself is to ‘take a moment’ and settle down, and breathe, when I see myself becoming anxious. And this is definitely a key indicator of Impatience, when I notice that flare of anxiety flowering up within me. Here I can take a breath and settle Myself back into my Physical Body so that I am settled and calm and GROUNDED in relation to what ever point is causing/creating the anxiousness. And What ever point I am facing/walking in the moment.

So here I do see these 2 experiences, where when Patience is where I am STILL, and Settled and GROUNDED within myself, and centered. And Impatience is where I go into anxiousness or restlessness.

So here I can practice creating and directing myself into and as this Grounded, Settled, Centered, and STILL experience/stance within myself as I walk/live moment to moment.

So I have some DIRECTION with this point and with this experience that initially started off these investigations into patience where I found myself Rushing at work a few days ago wanting to just get everything done already where this rushing and FORCING things actually caused a strain on my Physical body, and so here I am after walking through some dimensions of this point to here where I am moving forwards and remembering in a way to implement and practice Living the word Patience more in my moment to moment life.

Now another WORD that is coming through here that I can explore in blogs to come is related to this word patience and I can see more specifically in relation to just wanting to have all my projects complete and done already and just wanting to know if everything is going to work out or not is the word COMPLETION. Or even the word CONTENT because yes, I am often busy pursing my external and even my internal life goals and within that I can practice living this word PATIENCE, but also to consider how at times I am driven by an experience of lack, of feeling like I need to arrive somewhere or that when I have gained this or that, then I will be satisfied and complete and then I can rest and take my time. So here the points I see is Living Completion and being CONTENT in each moment. So this is something I will explore in blogs to come or perhaps within my own writings I do in my notebook.

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Living PATIENCE on a Personal Level – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 800


In my previous two blogs I have noticed the word/point of ‘Patience’ being an underlying theme, and so I am going to take a moment here to redefine and specify this word for myself so as to support myself to become more effective, stable, and consistent within Living this word until it becomes a natural expression and part of myself that is naturally who I am because at the moment I am still more existing in impatience when facing certain points/situations in my life.

I spoke in my previous blog about a new opportunity that opened up and how I was just at the beginning stages of this point and still have a long road ahead to cultivate and shape this point into the potentials possible within it. And I have noticed that I experience this drive to just get things moving and I feel like I am ‘trying to make up for lost time’ or ‘am behind’ or ‘Cannot Move Fast Enough’. That is a key point there of feeling like “I can’t move fast enough” and that things just move so slow, yet, I do have the awareness within me that there is no way around it and I see this point of “what would it be like if I was just more Patient?” like, is it possible to be Content with myself, and my life during this ‘building up’ process.

With anything you build or create, it takes TIME.

Now as I am writing about this, I am seeing this point that actually came up a few days ago as well when I was opening this stuff up. It is a Fear of things not working out, where I have this program of expecting the worst or expecting things to not work out and so I just want to have everything finished already so ‘I know what happens’. Its like I can’t stand Not Knowing. And I see that this not being able to stand not knowing is connected with an expectation of things not working out and an expectation or idea of things just turning out as they normally do where there is really nothing new and surely nothing BIG will happen. And so here within fearing or expecting things to not work out, I become anxious, and I become impatient because I just want to get everything done and in place and then have things work out so I can show myself that things DO work out. But overall, this idea/expectation of ‘things never working out’ I can see is influencing me where I become anxious and impatient and just desperate to know how things will work out.

Its kind of like that whole point of Job Security where people like having job security so that they know they will have money flowing in and that they can pay their bills and plan their lives within the system because there is a expectation of how things will go.

And to a certain degree I can see how this impatience and anxiousness I experience in relation to not knowing if or how this new opportunity will work out is in fact here also connected to MONEY and so Life in the World/Money System where essentially ones very survival is connected to money.

We live in a system of uncertainty. So how does one create certainty in such an environment?

For me in opening up this point for myself.

I can see what I can work with is that expectation I have that “things never or won’t work out”

And then secondly also looking at the whole relationship to money and how that is actually influencing here where I become more ‘desperate’ so to speak to want and desire things to work out where there is an underlying unbearableness in ‘not knowing’ and additionally thinking that there is a good chance things won’t work out.

Okay so I can see a few more points here to open up for myself and explore in relation to this point of assisting and supporting myself in Living the word ‘Patience’ as opposed to living in Impatience and Anxiousness in relation to the flow of my life.

Because obviously there is a link here to my childhood, teenage, and even in my 20’s where I imprinted many ideas around money based on how my life went.

And then importantly also, Id like to open up more the point of how ‘Money isn’t everything’ and how I have accepted and allowed myself to get side tacked by thinking/believing that if I succeed in a monetary way then ‘everything will be okay’ and in this forgetting about the most important relationship point which is the relationship I have with and as MYSELF and WHO I AM within myself. So here I see that at times I tend to focus to much on the monetary/external successes and failures and actually forget to pay attention, and develop ME on a personal internal level so that my INNER Self is being developed and is growing and strengthening and actually Developing my INNER SELF into someone of Substance. I mean this SELF DEVELOPMENT Point I see as absolutely crucial and actually the Main Point where I always START WITH SELF and so here I wonder… if am developing my SELF Relationship effectively, would I worry so much about these business opportunities working out or not where there is like a kind of fixation on these points where perhaps if I was more HERE and more Substantiated in my Self Relationship, perhaps there wouldn’t be such a  point of desperation and anxiety in relation to my external world points, like business and monetary ventures.

So then what does Patience mean on a very personal self level and living this word on a personal self level?

How does one Live and Exist in such a way that they are Stable within themselves on a personal level to the degree where it actually doesn’t matter if these external goals turn out or not but either way and throughout the process of their endeavors they are simply Calm, and have the utmost personal Stability.

Okay will end here for tonight.

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Trusting Others Before Trusting Yourself – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 777



Do you put more weight on what other people say, or are you stable enough and clear within yourself and your understanding of yourself and the world to Trust your own insights and observations?

I wanted to write about this point today both as a reminder, as well as just opening it up a bit more to clarify, and substantiate for myself.

It has to do with me trusting my own observations and insights as opposed to trusting what other people have to say.

I realize it is important to listen to others and consider their feedback and unique perspective on things, but I also see the importance in making sure that one remains grounded and clear within self where one is using another’s feedback as a cross-reference not as an authority.

I was listening to an interview from EQAFE yesterday and the interview mentioned this point with regards to trusting yourself and knowing yourself enough to not be so influenced and swayed by what other people say and do in this world. Like for instance just following trends just because others do it and say “its cool” instead of CREATING your own style based on your own Unique Self Expression. A fascinating reference point given in the interview with regards to how to support yourself in establishing this clarity and trust within yourself is to make sure that you are doing this with yourself firstly in relation to who you are in and as the mind, meaning, to practice taking DIRECTION with and for yourself in relation to your mind as a starting point for developing ones stability of self instead of just being directed and bossed around by the backchat in your head or emotional reactions that flare up within oneself.

Today I was speaking to a friend of mine and I noticed how much I was moved into emotional/fear/anxiety reactions through the conversation we were having. Some of these reactions were subtle, but escalated throughout the day where by an hour or two after the conversation I could tell what he had said affected me and I was reacting to what he was speaking about because it was contrary to the ideas that I had about certain things.

My realization was that yes its always cool to consider feedback from others, but also what I noticed was how I had completely abandon my own ideas and directions I was moving in based on the feedback I have been getting the last few years from my own reality and so I took this persons words as authority and completely devalued the feedback I had been getting from my reality that was directly related to my day to day living. So this kind of just revealed how I still haven’t established that TRUST within myself in relation to the Directions I am taking in my world and how one persons opinion can sway me or throw me off track instead of being something I can use practically to refine my own personal direction in myself and my life.

So this event today emphasized to me that I still have work to do with practicing my own SELF DIRECTION And Establishing that DEEP STABLE TRUST within and as Myself in relation to my own mind as the first place starting point where I Practice using Common Sense and Practical Insight to Direct Myself and Live in a way that is best for me rather than just following and obeying the impulses and inner talk of the mind that I have programmed into and as me throughout my life as well as through the sins of the fathers in absorbing family and cultural programming ect, where this has become me and “I” am not where to be found because “I” have not yet effectively learned to be HERE and Direct and Express ME as a Directive Principle.

So the process I am walking is learning how to DIRECT MYSELF which I see, realize, and understand Starts with Self as How I Direct me starting with Directing Myself in relation to my mind through not giving into the what the mind tells me to do or tells me who I am. Or giving in to the various emotional programmings of the mind such as depression, apathy, fear, submissiveness, that have kept me “on track” and in the TRAP of my life as routine and preference and comfort that I have patterned myself to be that is not a reflection of my best self and utmost potential.

So one word that I can redefine for myself in relation to this point is the word “Authority” So to support myself to practice living my own Authority for myself.

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RUNNING In the Human RACE – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 774

Cycles of Collapse, 9.5x11inch graphite on paper, Andrew Gable

For the last few days I have been directing myself to Breathe, and slow myself down throughout my day. So what I have been doing is paying more attention to the tendency I have to allow myself and my mind to just kind of spiral or get worked into a frenzy through just constantly thinking as well as in my behavior just constantly jumping around from one task to the next, and in this just getting swept away in my mind, in thinking and in the experiences that are generated through thinking and acting impulsively and hastily.

I have come to accept the pace at which I move through life.

Even though I do see that this pace is actually not the pace I would like to Live at.

So during the last few days I have been supporting myself more deliberately to Breathe and Slow myself down, both within and without of myself, and so that experience inside me of feeling the need to rush or to be doing something has been more pronounced because I have been deliberately slowing myself down despite the internal dialogue such as the backchat statements

‘Its going to be too late’

‘Things are going to fall apart’

‘You have to be productive’

‘You are lazy’

‘This is terrible, you really have to get going’

As well as the urges and surges of energy all compelling me to move myself to just do something.

Now this doesn’t mean I have been nothing. It just means that I have been more selective about what I am doing making sure I am not acting impulsively or basing my actions and movements on the anxiety experience that drives me for a good portion of my week and that has been driving me for some time now in my life that I just haven’t been able to release and change about myself.

For me I have noticed that throughout my life that I have only ever managed to “slow down” for short periods of time where before long I am back to my normal pace of things which I see is more connected to and driven by anxiety, fear, restlessness and other experiences like this.

The main approach of this application that I have been walking of “slowing myself down” is consisting of firstly “Breathing”. Breathing is that reference point of where I want to be, which is ‘in the physical’ where part of my approach to slowing down, has been to focus ‘HERE’, on my physical body and to spend less time in my mind which is the location where I see I end up perpetuating and playing out my ‘rushed experience’.

An early memory that comes up where I experienced a rush of anxiety that I can relate to my experience now in my life of feeling anxious and restless and essentially rushed, is when I was around 12 years old. I remember seeing these drawings that this kid who was in a grade lower than me had done. I remember immediately thinking “those are better than mine” and in the same breath experiencing a FEAR and Anxiety pierce through me thinking that “I was a year behind” that I had to now somehow make up a year to catch up with this kid.

What I see now is that I had already defined myself a lot in relation to my art at that age, and so I felt that without having art as being something that “I was the best at” that I had nothing. So in a sense I experienced myself as not good enough because my art was not as good as his and I was struck with Anxiety and Fear which Drove me to be better instead of realizing the Equality of Life and that each Individual has something unique to them to offer and its not about being better than others, because everyone is Equally Worthy of Life. In my eyes, I felt I had nothing. I felt I had to stand out from the crowd, that just being like everyone else was a bad thing, was not good enough. Interesting that all this was already happening within me by age 12 or 13.

Its interesting how our world is set up in a way to enforce competition and everywhere you look there is divisions and categories of humans which starts even in school as every child is given a number according to how good they are doing in school where then each child is defined by this number instead of there being a focus and development on bringing through each individual Childs unique potential, done so from a foundation and understanding of Equality.

So when I look at the sort of anxiety I experience within my life today, that experience I had in that early memory has a similar signature. Of course today I am much older and I can see how along the way I may have attached and connected all sorts of other drives and motivations that fuels that experience within me throughout my day where I am just constantly feeling the need to Go Go Go. I can also understand how this may have developed initially from an experience of feeling like I am nothing, and unworthy, and not recognizing my own equally unique Value as Life.

Another dimension of this ‘Anxiety-Drive’ is Fear of Running Out of Money. So part of this process I see I must walk with Slowing myself down within myself and Living and Becoming the word ‘Calm’ and ‘Relaxed’ and ‘Stable’, is sorting out the delusions within myself with regards to this Fear of Running out of Money. What’s funny about this fear is that the word RUNNING is actually in the fear statement, which is really how I experience myself through the week where its like I feel like I am Running and Running and then I get home and crash or get to the weekend and crash. So I personally would like to change this entire playout because I realize it is not supporting me and I realize that it probably isn’t the best way for me to Direct myself, where a part of me wonders if I would be more effective if I just slowed down, instead of conjuring up all sorts of movements and actions from the starting point of worry, fear, and concern.

The main point here is that I would like to make a change in this regard with myself, and essentially shift myself out of the behaviors and mind patterns that’s all about rushing, and excitement and in a way either feeding or trying to supress this anxiety experience within me. And to rather than just supress that, to actually work with it through this process of Breathing in awareness and focusing my attention onto my physical body and physical presence throughout the day and find ways to support myself to GROUND Myself in my Self Presence instead of accepting and allowing this to be hijacked by Anxiety, restlessness, boredom, Fear, and other experiences like this which I see are contributing to my overall experience of feeling like I am constantly in a rush, jumping from one thing to the next, to the next, to the next without ever stopping and Being Here, and just Breathing and being Stable and Content within myself.


SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
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The Pace of Nature – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 768


Today, I went for a walk into the forest next to where I live. I am visiting my hometown where I grew up and its always interesting to come back here and spend time out where I was raised. Its quite a ways outside the city with lots of tress, and wilderness, and animals. One of the things that I noticed about it, is that its Still. There is a stillness to it.

I have also considered if this stillness is actually coming from inside me and if it is something that is a point I developed within myself in growing up in such an environment where there really isn’t much activity going on like you have in cities.

In a way, its like as you move closer to money, and closer to the channels that money moves and flows, things become busy and more fast paced and what I have noticed for myself is that there is a kind of anxiety that comes through within me.

Now, I am on a bit of a break from my normal routine so basically I am able to take a break from that process of generating money which does require certain actions and movements to be taken and schedules to be kept which also might contribute to that inner anxiety experience.

In any case, It has been nice to step out of that money making process for a moment and just slow down a bit. And I find being out close to nature is a supportive environment to do that because its just the trees and the air and the plants surrounding you and it can be quite peaceful.

Tonight I accompanied my dad out hunting. For me it was more of a nature walk. At one point you could here the coyotes yipping and barking and howling and yapping all around us. We couldn’t see them because of the thick forest but they were close enough that we could here them growling and playing about 30 yards in front of us.

It was a cool moment in nature.

I will have to do my best to bring with me the “pace of nature” which I find comes through a lot when ever I visit home and things are just slower and quieter and more still like I mentioned earlier.

I think sometimes I allow that natural slower more stable and calm pace of life to get lost and I end up getting caught in anxieties, and reactions and over thinking and things like that, so yes, a nice reminder of Slooooooowwwwwingggg Doooooowwwwwnnnnnn.

Aphixing My Attention – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 766



So tonight I have been noticing myself going into a thought/reaction pattern in my mind so I am going to do some writing here as a point of grounding myself and stopping myself from just going into the reaction pattern.

At the moment right now in my life there is a bit of transition happening. And so within this transition there is some future points that are at this stage ‘unknowns’. I tendency I have noticed with myself is where I will start going into my mind, and thinking and worrying about these ‘unknowns’ and often going straight to ‘worst case scenarios’. So as I was sitting around this evening I began going into this particular vein of thinking and wondering and worrying and fearing about the future where I ended up getting carried away into the thoughts, into the imagination play-outs of what may or may not happen, and into the energetic experiences attached to these, such as fear, worry, depression, anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness, dread, anxiety ect.

Know as I am writing this, one thing I can see is that what I am doing is I am allowing myself to take the “unknowns” and basically running wild in my mind, playing out all the worst case scenarios, and getting sucked into these black hole unknowns.

So Here I am going to look at a word or some words that I can practice living to assist and support myself from allowing myself and my mind to take these future unknowns and basically using them as points to “run wild” and conjure up all sorts of fears and worries ect.

Firstly, I am aware that doing this does not support me, and I am aware when “the mind kicks in” and I take myself for a ride, instead of remaining grounded and Here.

Also whats interesting is the mind really wants to jump ahead into the future and try and ‘fill in’ or simulate what might happen in those future unknown spaces.

So here I realize myself that one way I can support myself to walk through this phase of my life is through by sticking to the moment. And really living the word Patience.

I do not want to jump ahead.

I want to remain here.

So, no jumping or skipping ahead.

I need a heavy weight to weigh me down so that I cannot jump or skip ahead, but that keep my eyes and myself firmly on the ground right where I stand.

So then this application of doing this, of anchoring myself in the moment and not allowing myself to go into a frenzy of imaginations, emotions, and thoughts in my mind, is related to living the words Patience, Groundedness, And Slowness, and embodying the SNAIL, to move sllloooooowwww like a snail. One moment at a time standing and walking in real space and time.

Space and Time moves Slow and this is where I want to be.

I want to be Equal with the moment as I walk this transition phase of my life.

I am going to look at the word ‘Affixed’ as a new word I can integrate into my life to support me in remaining stable as I walk this transitional period in my life.

In living the word affixed in relation to this point that developed tonight, means to be affixed to the moment. To be affixed and tethered and anchored to this physical reality and the moment before me instead of being disconnected from my moment and my reality and in my mind jumping ahead into the future into some alternate reality that does not exist. So I am going to practice living this word affixed.

Alright cool, this writing has also supported me to ground myself and affix myself back to my Real Physical Reality where I want to be. So perhaps I should change the spelling also to Aphix. The ‘ph’ representing the PHYISICAL Reality which is where I want to be.

Now one other point of awareness I am seeing here with this process of “not jumping ahead in my reality” is that I realize that I am already here. And so from this perspective I do not have to ‘affix’ myself to the physical reality, because I am already Here in and as this reality as my human physical body that is here breathing and blood flowing and heart beating in and as the physical reality. So for me, what I am seeing is that it is my attention that needs affixing. Where I align my attention to HERE and to and as my physical Self. So in terms of Living this word affix/aphix I see it more in relation to ‘my attention’ that I find still has a tendency to wander off, and so this affixing is also an aligning where I practicing aphixing my attention to the physical part of myself that is standing here and connected to already and existing as the physical reality.