Reaching a Boiling Point and Lashing Out – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 804


Today my partner and I had a ‘cleaning  day’ where we spent about 6 hours doing a deep clean of our apartment. It was something that was definitely ready to be done and now after its done I am quite grateful for the clean space, however I  have noticed today  throughout the day that I was easily becoming irritated with my partner, who for the most part seemed her normal self.

I could tell that within myself that there was something going on, meaning where I already felt a bit ‘low’ and kind of already in an experience of frustration that was taking place within me since I got up and so I saw how this presence that I was already in started coming up during the cleaning process with my partner where I began reacting in irritation towards her.

I also noticed this irritation experience coming up yesterday also, and so see this point as entirely Self Created where this experience was already coming out in relation to just the basic tasks and activities I was participating in within my day where I would just get so frustrated and impatient and angry at what ever it was I was doing. So this ‘high-strung’ experience was definitely obvious and prominent within myself.

Despite knowing that I was already experiencing this point within me, I still tended to allow myself to blame my irritation on things my partner would do or say today, even though I had already noticed this experience within me the day before where I was reacting to the smallest of things.

So I see the point for me to practice here is to in fact Stop accepting and allowing myself to take experiences that I have clearly identified and understood as originating within myself and stop allowing myself to blame my partner for this, because this is what I essentially did.

It was like, I saw the experience within me, and already noticed my tendency to react quickly in irritation to whatever it was I was doing, so I knew my partner had nothing to do with it and so also here within me was an awareness to not allow myself to react to my partner and yet, what did I do? I reacted to my partner and  allowed this point of blame to step forth within me and to let out my experience as a reaction unto my partner when what I should have really been allowing to step forth is my point of Self Responsibility, taking Responsibility for myself and supporting myself to release this experience through directive means, instead of allowing those moments where I just went ahead and blamed my partner.

It was  interesting because I felt a bit powerless, and hopeless, and helpless in relation to this experience, like it was so prominent that “I couldn’t help myself” and at times I just allowed the irritation to boil over and come out in my words and tonality instead of finding ways to release it on my own through breathing, and stabilizing myself and NOT allowing myself to VENT my reactions but rather to pause in those moments, Breathe, and release that irritation energy on my own, or even to have addressed it more directly when I noticed it the day before, instead of just allowing it to percolate.

So this is something I can work on moving forwards where I can practice Directing Myself to release my experience without VENTING or Reacting in how I act or speak towards others where the energy experience I experience within me comes out as reactive words or behaviors. So this is something here for me to work on and to Rather than live the word VENTING and Reacting and  essentially giving up on my ability to direct myself, and can practice living such words as Self Direction, Self Responsibility, Stabilizing, and Persistence in where I stand persistent in my application of not allowing myself to vent my experience every time it comes up instead of stopping once or twice and then allowing myself to vent after that, so here I can practice Stepping Up and releasing the experiences that I have created within myself without allowing them to end up in reactions that have consequences not only on my own life but others lives as well. So yes, a Key here I see I can apply for myself is PERSISTENCE as being  Persistent  and Consistent in DIRECTING myself and my experience each and every time it comes up, remembering to in that moment of where I want to react, to stop, and just breath and stabilize myself and not allow a reaction or energy to DIRECT me.

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