What does ‘CALM’ mean to me – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 772

morning-lake-wallpaper

In this blog I am going to be mapping out the Word ‘CALM’. This means I will be exploring my relationship to this word and what energies, experiences, ideas, words, thoughts, statements, behaviors, pictures and any other dimensions of myself I have attached to it.

One of the first images that came up when I spoke the word ‘Calm’ to myself as I looked at what other words I could see within the original word ‘Calm’ is I saw the image of a quiet cut-block with the sound of distant crows cawing (cawlm)echoing throughout the silence. This image comes from my past memories. I grew up out in the country and this image of calmness is one I would encounter throughout my childhood and even later in my life growing up in that environment.

An aspect of this word ‘Calm’ that I see within my relationship to and as it is that it exists within a point of separation from me where ‘Calm’ is more a picture that I see and the experience I have connected to that picture/memory within me instead of it being something more tangible and present. There is not a lot of areas in my life right now where I actually experience myself as ‘Calm’ for me it more has become something to attain rather than something that I ever really experience except for seemingly fleeting moments.

In a way this word is abstract to me. I know what it means, I know what it is, but I feel like I have never been able to make it part of my life.

I find myself more stressed and anxious and stumbling and bumbling to try and get myself stable in the core areas of life, and things in my life seem more hectic than calm. I can understand what ‘calm’ means, but it is something foreign to my life and I feel like its been a struggle for me to actually achieve ‘Calm’ within myself and within my life, and it has been years of pushing, to try and create it in myself and my life and so there is a form of hopelessness in relation to ‘Calm’ as well where when I see this word, I just see the struggles I have had the last some years and how it feels like there is so little Calm in my life despite my efforts to create it, where In reality I  more just have to GO GO GO GO GO and so there is a Dimension of exhaustion I have connected to this word where calm is like something I try and achieve but struggle to do for myself. Calm is more like something I try and do in my down time when I take moments to Rest and that it is NOT a part of my actual daily routine which is more grueling. This is interesting, that right now ‘Calm’ is something I try and access by taking a break.

I can also see hopelessness as well as bitterness where having this word ‘Calm’ exist as part of my life seems impossible, almost laughably so.

Overall, I do see that word of hopelessness connected to the word Calm, where it doesn’t seem like I will be able to have that calm and peace as part of my life in the near future, so from that perspective I kind of just give up on it and accept that its not here now and that it will only ever be here in the future sometime if ever. So it always seems like its just “out there” and just “out of reach”

I mostly try and achieve calm by taking a break from my life but that these moments are more like momentary collapses rather than where I really experience a sense of calm and peace.

 

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