As I move through this process of integrating and living new words into my self and life, one particular point came up today that I realized I have been living now for quite some time and can see clearly in looking back over the past 3 years.
The point, or word I have been living is ‘Survival’
So what does this entail?
For myself it comes up and out a lot in the work I do where I experience myself frequently in a point of high stress, tension, anxiety, worry, fear, depression, sadness, basically to mean here that, when I am living in survival, it brings up a lot of emotional experiences because I am constantly worrying and stressing in my mind about making enough money to survive, so within this there is a lot of emotional experiences cycling and churning and conglomerating within me.
For the past 3 years I have been working full-time as an Artist, Woo-Hooooo! Yes, I do enjoy it, however… when did I decide that to work full time as an Artist, that I must constantly exist in a state of survival mode? I am nearly constantly in stress, and worry and anxiety and I notice clearly that my day to day movements become very rushed where I then dread getting up to live my day because this ‘rush-state’ is actually not a very comfortable one to be in.
Often during the past 3 years, I would start to incorporate creating more paintings into my schedule where my main art practice and job right now is creating sculptures. What I noticed in looking back over these past 3 years, is that more often than not, accompanying these new paintings was an experience of haste, of anxiety, or rushing, and basically just an overall experience of stress. And so also in looking at creating the sculptural work, I can see so many times how I justified ‘working faster’ or justified why I experience myself so stressed out, or why I must push myself to carve faster, all out of fear, all based within existing day to day in survival mode where I was essentially encapsulated in fear, anxiety, and stress, ultimately believing that to do the job I was, that “it just comes with the territory” not really ever believing that I could actually walk this point that I am walking now, but do it differently, where I was more calm, relaxed, stable, and not ever needing to go into ‘survival mode’ as stress, haste, and tension for any reason.
So what I am going to do now, is endeavor or enDAREvor to transform this ‘survival-mode’ experience of stress, fear, anxiety, frustration, haste, exhaustion, and tension, into an experience and Living of the Words Stability, Hereness, Stillness, calm, Direction, Clarity, Natural Expression, Breath, Thoroughness, Articulation, Deliberateness, Ease, and here comes the big one Patience.
Interesting, I always defined Patience as waiting. But I see that Patience is not waiting, and it can actually be an action, an expression where I move myself with Patience, allowing myself and directing myself to sloooowwww myself down, bringing my awareness here, and walking and moving in breath, through which ever task I am doing. This is something that I have always tried to do with my art but just couldn’t seem to hold it down, I would always end up back in the experience of anxiety and stress linked to survival mode and ultimately fearing for my life, fearing about running out of money. So, This is the word I am going to incorporate into my Living for tomorrow, Patience. And also to commit myself to continue exploring and expanding and refining on ways I can Live this word as a point of no more accepting and allowing myself to continue in what I have been living the past three years which has been fear, stress, survival, tension, rushing and haste.
So here I commit myself to change and transform this accepted and allowed word(s) I have been living as stress, tension, survival, fear, rushing, and transform these words into words, qualities, expressions that I have always wanted to live and be and have as part of myself and my life and as part of my art expression; Patience, Quiet, Stillness, Deliberateness, Insight, Calm, Stability, Rooted, Grounded, Natural, Slow, Concise, Directive.
Okay so I have a few words here I can work with as I move forward and assist and support myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to live and exist in stress, anxiety and survival mode, just because I had a belief that “I had to” That “I have to live this way in order to make a living and survive, and that “I can’t stop” “I must keep going”. Okay So will assist and support myself here within my Process of Self Creation.
Starting tomorrow with the word “Patience” (or starting right now actually)
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