Today I am going to write about resistance. Resistance is something that I see I have allowed to exist as a part of me. My experience in relation to having allowed resistance to be a part of me is that it makes me cringe on the inside, but I see that in order to allow this resistance to exist as a part of me, I have had to become good at supressing this ‘cringing experience’ that is quite uncomfortable.
What I noticed this evening is that as the later hours approach, a tension starts to build inside me and the thoughts inside my head start running.
‘Will I get everything done that I would like to’
‘Will tonight be a success’
‘I should really push myself tonight to get to everything I want to do’
‘but you never get to it, so it will likely end up going this way’
‘but why?, why do I allow myself to procrastinate instead of pushing myself’
‘when will I start to push myself’
‘is tonight the night’
‘its ok if I don’t’
‘its no big deal’
‘maybe I should continue watching that series I started’
‘no you should really do something more productive’
‘its to late now to get to my things I wanted to do’
And basically I end up going through this whole inner debate and dialog within myself in relation to supporting myself within my daily and nightly tasks.
Tonight I noticed that I started watching the clock where I just wanted it to be ‘too late already’ so that I could just retire for the evening and let all this stuff go. What’s interesting through is that it wasn’t yet at that hour of the evening where I normally retire to my bed. And so I could have actually chosen a task and supported myself through by directing it and directing myself. (Which I did by doing this blog!)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my nightly routine in where I allow myself to still be productive in the later evening hours instead of accepting and allowing myself to participate with the idea that I have created and hold within myself that after a certain hour, ‘It is to late to be productive’ and so here I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to impose such a limitation onto myself. The limitation and also the excuse of “It’s too late to work now”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself through and within the idea that I cannot be productive late into the evening. And here I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within this limitation because then I do not have to direct myself, but can after a certain hour, just relax, even though there is still allot of time left in the evening for me to direct points and ultimately to SUPPORT MYSELF through by doing different assignments, writings, readings, ect anything where I am assisting and supporting myself within self introspection, self investigation, self development and self expansion ect.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing resistance to direct me and for me to really ‘play down’ this process, where I try and hide from myself what it is I am actually doing which is ultimately “not pushing myself” within my self development but night after night allowing myself to just go into the pattern of ‘relaxing’ which is actually not really relaxing but more a point of ‘resisting self movement’ where this self movement would in fact be best for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to play out the routine of going into resistance, and to not ever question it because if I even so much as catch a glimpse of what I am doing to myself, I cringe because I know that I am not supporting myself to the best of my ability and so therefore getting the best out of myself within my expression within and as my life.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to bring this point of how I have allowed resistance to be such a big part of me, especially in the evenings, into my awareness so that I can address it and start assisting and supporting myself to get more out of myself and no more accepting and allow myself to justify and excuse the limited version of myself which I insist is valid, even though within myself, I know I am capable of more, even if it is just a little more each day, something I see that I have put off adding into my life for some time now.
I commit myself to see, realize, and understand that when I start going into the inner debate within my mind about ‘getting things done’ in the evening, that this is indicating that I am already going into the pattern of allowing resistance and I am actually trying to avoid moving myself and I am trying to talk myself into seeing my self accepted limitation as Okay and I don’t have to stress about it, because the decision is already made within myself that “I don’t want to direct myself” and so now, I am just trying to sooth myself and to supress that cringing experience within myself for making such a decision, and so here I commit myself to assist and support myself to rather than engage in this inner debate, to rather align myself to and as the Decision of ‘walking through’ and ‘pushing through’ resistance so to Direct and Move myself in physical self movement in the practical tasks at hand.
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