Locking Myself into The Silent Treatment – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 706

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Last night I had a reaction come up in relation to my partner. I have seen this particular kind of reaction come up before and so now see this as a pattern that I’d like to correct.

My partner and I were interacting last night and suddenly she had a reaction in relation to something I did, and then I reacted to her reaction.

In that moment I immediately pulled back into myself and proceeded to give her the silent treatment. So with the behavior of this reaction what I normally do is I become more quiet and less communicative with my partner and I start refusing to do what we normally do in our nightly routine. So for instance we were making coffee when I reacted and so then after the reaction I told her that I don’t want coffee now and so I just went into the bedroom and started watching something on my computer.

I felt hurt by her reaction and I felt like it was ‘unjustified’ and ‘she has no right’.

Though within myself I realize that ‘a reaction is a reaction’ and of course people do not have a right to exert their own emotional surges onto others, yet it does happen and so what I require to do is to go to unconditional forgiveness immediately.

But I have noticed I don’t do this, and instead I will go into a reaction In a way where I start to manipulate my partner, like trying to make her feel bad, or feel like she did something wrong. So I end up doing what I am blaming her for doing in the first place.

What I should be doing is supporting myself to not allow such reactions within myself.

Because then this whole emotional manipulation game starts where there is like this silent argument and game of trying to win playing out. I try and win by making my partner feel responsible for me and how I feel, when I understand I am my own responsibility.

I did feel hurt when she had her outburst/reaction towards me and then I got angry, and my experience of the reaction is like it ‘locks in’ right in my chest area. And then last night I went into my room and just sat in this reaction and just completely inverted into myself and shut down and kind of just sat there fuming and refusing to engage with my partner.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my own reactions in relation to my partners reactions where I think we must be equal in our standing so if she goes into a reaction than this gives me permission to then also go into a reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out the behavior of the reaction of ‘shutting down’ where I will literally physically stop talking and engaging with my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless within myself when a reaction like this ‘locks in’, hopeless in that I feel like there is nothing I can do to snap out of it and that a part of me also, does not want to snap out of it because I want her to pay for what she has done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by energy within me where for instance if I perceive someone exerting themselves out onto me then I will want to also do the same to them to get even, and so become gripped by this experience of wanting to get even, and wanting to exert my experience of anger and of feeling hurt that I initially experienced when they reacted towards me, out onto them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the application of “an eye for an eye” and simply not want to unconditionally forgive someone or myself, but rather experience that the only way for me to release myself from the reaction that I had is to ‘get back at them’ to ‘do the same thing to them as they did to me’ or to ‘make them feel bad for what they did’ and here I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to utilize Self Forgiveness to release myself from the entire emotional manipulation game and emotional balancing act that I have subjected unto myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer revenge as an equalizer instead of forgiveness.

Self Commitments

I commit myself to assist and support myself to utilize Self Forgiveness as an Equalizer and Release instead of Revenge and doing unto another what they did unto me.

I commit myself to realize that SELF Forgiveness is necessary because the reaction taking place is inside SELF, thus SELF Forgiveness to release the reaction/experience/point within me.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to realize that by wanting to get revenge onto another for some harm that I perceived they did unto me, that I am accepting and allowing myself to disempower myself within who I am because I am accepting and allowing myself to give my emotions and feelings and energy experiences power over me and for them to dictate who I am and what I do where for instance I would be compelled to get revenge or take my experience out on another instead of moving to Self Forgiveness which is the living expression of common sense because to forgive is more supportive than to act out in revenge and attack another emotionally and so common sensically that is the best solution.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to take Responsibility for my own reactions as the energy experiences I have moving within me and to stop accepting and allowing myself to blame my partner for these energy reactions and movements taking place within me, which disempowers me to actually take responsibility for them and direct them/myself.

I see, realize, and understand that my experience is my responsibility. I also see that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my relationship as an excuse for not taking responsibility for every single iota of energy experience/reaction within and as me where in my relationship I have accepted and allowed myself to often blame my partner for the experience that is coming up within me, whether that be frustration, irritation, anger, or hurt, and so I commit myself to assist and support myself to start TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for MYSELF within MY Life and no more accept and allow myself to abdicate this responsibility through by blaming my partner for being the reason and cause of my experience when I see that this is not the case, and so here I commit myself to start STABILIZING myself within and as myself and my life and to stop accepting my current state as the ratio of ‘self responsibility to blame and excuse’ and to start moving this ratio into 100 percent Self Responsibility no more accepting and allowing myself to justify reactions with the statement “but you reacted first” or “you’re the reason I reacted” I commit myself to take responsibility for MY OWN EXPERINCE no matter what I perceive my partner doing or what I perceive her experience is

I commit myself to see, realize, and understand that I have actually created some instability in my life through by accepting and allowing ‘exceptions’ to the rule of 100 percent responsibility.

I commit myself to shore up these exceptions and support myself to move myself out of reactions that emerge within me where I move myself out of them and to stop participation within them as a point of taking 100 percent Self Responsibility for myself.

Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
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