I have recently moved into the same environment as my partner. This has been a change for me in terms of now living in close quarters with another person where before I was very much alone in my personal living space. There has been one point that has emerged in the last few weeks that has been a result of this close quarters living that I hadn’t really been seeing about myself previously. This point has been the emergence of “The Cynical Self”. Since now having someone in my immediate environment whom I can speak to in a more intimate and deeper manner as well as more frequently than I would/do with casual acquaintances, I have found that a particular personality character has started to come through which is quite cynical in nature.
This part of myself is pretty much cynical of everything, and very quick to jump to conclusions. So in ‘zooming in’ on the experience I have within myself when ever I see this cynical self emerge I see that there is a form of frustration within me towards which ever point I am cynical towards. Although what I find is that this cynic is actually directing itself and reacting towards EVERYTHING. So it is in a way like I am simply frustrated and Cynical towards the world where what I see is that I end up REACTING to things, instead of remaining within a point of Self Stability and Self Direction in relation to assisting and supporting myself to FIND A SOLUTION to what ever point triggers this Cynical Self.
This cynical self is also characterized by a personal frustration towards myself. Like a kind of powerlessness where I feel really powerless towards this world. Really powerless towards my own Life, and my ability to actually become something more than I have accepted of myself so far. So I feel hopeless and helpless within myself to actually make an impact on even my own personal life and be able to transform this into something I am truly satisfied with. So I feel and experience myself as weak. Yet I seem to have allot of opinions towards what other people are doing and how it should be done.
Being a cynic is easy because I can just spout out my opinions on things, and that takes very little effort, and I see that there is a degree to which I have conditioned myself to go into this cynical self just spouting my opinions because its easier than actually really ‘taking on’ the point and understanding how I can empower myself in relation to it and empower my approach to it essentially. Where instead of just reacting and spouting my opinions in a moment, I can rather really look at what the point is in front of me that I am reacting to which also implies that there is some point within me where I can investigate and understand why I am reacting and how to transform that reaction into a stable part of myself so that I no more react but am clear and directive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and participate and speak as this Cynical Self towards points I encounter in my environment and that I haven’t stopped myself and really investigated this part of myself to understand where this is coming from and how I can assist and support myself to transform this cynical self which I see as a reaction, into a point where I can stabilize myself and also empower myself within myself and within my life to stop simply reacting as a cynic but to respond and direct myself in relation to all points I encounter in my life in a way that is supportive and aligned with finding and implementing solutions that supports myself and life to become its utmost potential.
When and as I see this cynic character coming up within in a moment in relation to some point that I am reacting to in my environment, I stop and I take a breath, and in that breath I quiet myself within myself and realize that in by reacting to my environment and I am not able to respond to it in a practical insightful, directive and empowering way because I end up getting blinded and overwhelmed and caught up in my inner reaction which clouds my ability to assess practically the point before me and also to assess practically where my own reaction is coming from so that I can then in seeing and understanding where my own reaction is coming from, assist and support myself to address this point within me to assist and support myself to become more stable within myself when it comes to moving and navigating within my life instead of just reacting to it in a cynical way.
And so therefore I commit myself to assist and support myself to work with myself with the tools of writing as self investigation, self forgiveness in supporting myself to release myself from my reactive behavior, and self corrective application, as the defining and LIVING OF in Physical Reality the New Way I would like to Live and Be and Become, to with these tools, stop existing as the cynic which never actually looks inwards and changes those points of oneself that is actually the root cause and source of the cynicism and so to correct myself through by utilizing these tools of support to stabilize myself in these moments where this cynical self has asserted itself and so I commit myself to assert myself as Self Understanding, Self Insight where I actually stop and really look at the moment before me to see what it is specifically that is activating this particular cynical reaction so that I can in moments really get to the root of my reaction so to change it and myself to stop reacting to my reality and thus be able to become Self Directive in a way where I can develop ways to express myself in the Best Interest of ALL and to support myself and others and life itself live to and express to its utmost potential.
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