Today I went to work. I am getting close to finishing a sculpture that is closing in on 100 hours of sculpting. I was for the most part stable when I got up this morning. I find it easier to get out of bed when I am working on my own pieces versus doing projects for others. But I also see that my relationship with getting out of bed is also connected to how I apply myself throughout my day in terms of walking my personal process of self change. So if I am clear within that, and not allowing myself to participate extensively in the mind, than I am more clear in the mornings.
Now, as I am writing this, I notice a Fear come up within me in relation to this last statement. When I wrote this, I actually imagined myself back in my past, and what it would actually be like for me now getting out of bed, if I were again in that point of where I was in my past, where I was not in the job I am in now which I like, but in a job which I was in then which I did not like – I see that my job did/does actually have an affect on my experience of getting myself out of bed in the mornings, and not only that, but on the overall experience of myself within my life.
I am currently working as an Artist/Stone Carver. Now from my perspective this is a pretty cool job, and especially when I am working on my own personal projects. So the ‘Fear’ that comes/came up is in relation to ‘losing this job’ and is in relation to something changing, and then my Job no longer being possible or available.
I often experience myself in relation to my life and in relation to my job walking on a very thin line where its like one step out of place and I could fall, and everything could change.
This is actually quite a constant experience within myself id say. This experience that what I am doing now as my job and even my life in general could change quite quickly, and in that take a turn for the worse.
I fear losing what I am doing now as my job.
I fear ‘going back’ to how things used to be, and I see that I actually exist and live with this fear daily.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a state of fear of losing my job, or things changing in my reality where I no more have the job I have now which I enjoy, and here I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk daily with this fear inside me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my current position/job because it’s the first job that I have had in my life that I actually like and enjoy doing, where all the other jobs I had I simply had to tolerate and endure them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my current job as “the only job that I have ever liked” when I see that that is not in fact completely accurate but a bit of an exaggeration which I see ends up fueling the fear I have of losing my job.
And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exaggerate parts of my reality within my mind which supports my mind and the reactions I have, instead of supporting myself to see directly what is actually Here as my reality and so thus to no exaggerate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even want to look at this point, or write about it, because I fear stirring up something that might trigger events that would cause me to lose my current position/job, and so when ever this ‘fear of losing my job’ would come up within me, Id quickly push it away and not look at it, due to the absolute fear inside myself of this actually happening.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experiencing myself “walking on egg shells” within myself and my life where I am on constant alert not to trigger anything that would cause what I have defined and believed to be “such a fragile position” to crumble beneath my feet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my fear is real and so to when ever I notice this fear inside me, I would not look at it, in this, hoping and attempting to preserve my reality within its current state and so thus preserve my Job
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience my job and my position in life to be fragile, unstable, and precarious, with there being no real stability or certainty within it, and so within myself am constantly in an experience of “fear of loss” where I fear that this reality that I am currently walking and participating in will suddenly shift and change and I will no more be able to continue doing what I am doing where all of it just feels completely out of my hands.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with a feeling of my reality being “completely out of my hands” when I see, realize, and understand that it is not, that there is some parts of my reality that is within my grasp and capacity to direct, so the point that my reality is “completely out of my hands” is actually another exaggeration point that is only acting as a support for my mind reactions and fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have given so much value to what I do for a job, defining It as the reason that I enjoy myself within my life where without the current job that I have, I will be bitter and unhappy, basically, kind of like how I was previous to the job I had, where there was not allot of joy within me and my life, although, I do see that things have changed in terms of who I am now versus who I was before in my life and so I see that I cannot simply just accept that “things will be exactly like they were before” because even if I place me as ‘Who I Am Today’ back into the environment I was in previously, things would perhaps be different in terms of how I direct myself, and what I am aware of, and what I create. So I see that I cannot just simply “fear things will be like how they were before” because that is a form of hanging onto the past, and not considering that things have changed and so I will simply walk Here day by day, taking it moment by moment, directing what is here, and stopping myself from existing in pre-occupations related to thinking about the past and bringing up the past and fearing it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with a fear that “things will be like they were before”. I see that this fear is not valid because the past is the past and so I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the past is the past, and that by accepting and allowing myself to participate with this fear that “things will be like they were in the past” that I am holding onto an irrational concept because things will never be like they are in the past because I have learned allot since that time. Though I do see this point is in a way still ‘haunting me’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that It’s a good thing that this fear of the past is still with me. Because I believe that I must remind myself of how bad things were all the time to make sure that if I ever end up in a situation like that again, that I will be able to handle it, or in other words, Its kind of like I expect that that is actually what is going to happen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that sooner or later, things will end up going into a “shit state” kind of like how things were in the past. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to haunt myself with this expectation, this idea that “things will suddenly take a turn for the worse” that it just must happen. Things can’t possibly get better than how things are now, they must get worse, that seems more realistic and probable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to expect things will more likely get worse that get better.
To be continued.
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