Self Will and Self Won’t (the manipulation of Self) – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 655

inner CONsiousness, pencil on paper, 8x10in, 2008

Is it too difficult?

Is it impossible?

Is it that you can’t you do it?

Or is it

That you actually just don’t want to do it?

This can be a very subtle difference actually as I discovered today.

I had 2 options before me.

Option 1: I spend some time working on project B  before I start work on project C. I do this to make sure I reach my goal of how many hours I wanted to work today at work. I finished project ‘A’ much earlier than I anticipated which left me a few hours short of my initial goal though I did have the option if I wanted to, to work on project B to make up for the lost hours. It was entirely up to me.

Option 2: I jump right into project C which would not count towards my hours, thus I would not make my goal,  but it is what I preferred doing, though, I would have compromised on my goal which I had specifically set in relation to a point of Responsibility for myself to ensure I am getting enough hours at work

Now standing before this decision the “Back-Chat” in my mind really started to chatter. It sounded something like this…”Ok I should do what is most responsible…but you have worked allot of hours this week….and you really need to get moving on project c….but actually I am fine to not work on project c….but maybe I should….I am compromising myself if I don’t work on project C….actually no I am compromising myself if I don’t work on project B….which one should I do….

And so you can see in this inner dialog that I am really jumping back and forth in my mind trying to decide which project to take on.

Now an interesting thing happened.

I decided to first just go over to project B and assess it, because ultimately there was a point within me of seeing that working on project B and reaching my hourly goal was most practical, but man I was resisting that and I just wanted to skip it and work on project C which would not count towards my hourly goal but which would have been ‘funner’.

So I walked over to ‘Project B’ to assess the point. It was a big stone sculpture that I was doing some work on.

It was really heavy and as I stood there looking at it. I realized ‘I was going to have to flip this thing over’. I was alone in the studio today and I wondered if I was going to be able to handle flipping this myself.

And then here comes the inner dialog starting up again….”you should wait for someone….its not your piece, you don’t want to damage it….if it was your piece you could do it, but it’s not your piece so you must take extra precaution, so its best if you leave it and work on project C”…

So I decided to just see if I could in fact turn this heavy stone piece over by myself. I have lifted many stone sculptures over this past year so have gotten quite good at it and have figured out what I can handle on my own and what not, and so as I tested to see how heavy this piece was, I started lifting and immediately I was like “on no, its to heavy”, “there is no way I can lift this”.

It was just to precarious and tricky to lift on my own.

So I waked away and decided to work on project C.

As I stood outside taking a breather before I started working again. Within myself I took one last look at if I should maybe try again to lift the piece and flip it over, I could see that ultimately within myself I didn’t really want to work on that project even though I saw that it was in fact the best thing to do and the most supportive for me to do, but I just didn’t want to, I wanted to work on project C. And within myself there was this point where I knew that I really didn’t try my hardest to flip over the sculpture. I knew that I did not apply “where there is a will there is a way” I saw that if I in fact really wanted to work on project B then I simply would find a way, I would find a solution. And so I could see that I was being influenced by my mind here where I was making myself believe that the piece was to heavy to lift when in reality I just didn’t want to lift it. So I decided to give it one more shot but to ACTUALLY TRY this time.

I walked over the stone sculpture, wrapped my arms around it, flipped it up on its edge, and then laid it down on the opposite side. It was actually quite easy to do.

Its amazing how much our minds influence us in this way.

Its like we will give up on something not because we are unable to do it but because we just don’t want to do it, though what I noticed about this process today is that we make ourselves think that we are unable to do it when it is in fact that we just don’t want to. The mind is sneaky this way. We as human beings are sneaky this way – We manipulate ourselves. We talk ourselves out of doing that which we know is best and we make it seem like we had no other option.

I nearly did this today. The sculpture initially was too tricky to lift, it was too heavy. Especially because I really didn’t want to lift it, so my attempt at doing so was rather meager. But eventually I stopped this self manipulation, took a breath, I decided I am actually going to give this my best shot and man it was soooo much easier to lift after that. It was actually not heavy at all, it was never heavy, though beforehand I made it out to be in my mind.

So a cool Self Realization today with this point of how easy it is to manipulate self and so here I have a reference point of actually stepping out of this self manipulation, this Self Won’t, Into a point of Self Will, and actually really giving it my best shot to find a Solution. I see that I cannot say it is not possible and there is no Solution if I really do not try or look for Solutions to the best of my ability.

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
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