Today during a conversation I realized an interesting point about myself.
A few weeks back I had opened up a point within myself about how I wanted to ‘get out more’. What I had identified within myself and my life is that I have a habit of ‘keeping to myself’ and that this is something that I want to change about myself as a practical point of Self Change.
So today I was able to see my Starting Point more clearly within this point of why it is that I ‘Keep to Myself’ which has to do with my approach to meeting, communicating with and ultimately forming relationships with people. Where my starting point within this is fundamentally – I don’t want to!
I have always found it difficult to form relationships with people. This has been a consistent point throughout my life. I found that I would be very very slow in getting to know people and often times they’d be out of my life before I actually had a chance to get to the know them.
Inconvenience? Or Precision Planing?
People would end up exiting my life before I got to know them because I never bothered to, or wanted to get to know them. So it was actually quite a deliberate application in terms of how I went about interacting with others or not interacting with them.
So in a way its not that I found it difficult to form relationships with people but its more like I Made it difficult or that in fact I never wanted to so in a way how I was forming relationships with others was actually working perfectly as I never intended to in fact do this or rather that I had programmed myself to do this within a very specific framework which only allowed for myself to actually form relationships with a very small number of individuals.
One way I am able to see my starting point that I have within myself in relation to forming relationships with others is through by the back-chat that comes up within me.
“I don’t want to get to know you”
“I am not interested in getting to know you”
“I will speak with you but I am not interested in actually forming a lasting relationship with you”
“Get me outta Here”
“you have no purpose in my life”
“forming relationships takes up to much time”
And other such back-chat statements of this nature depending on the context of the situation, tough all such statements fundamentally are indicating and showing my ‘stand-offish’ approach to navigating the whole interaction and engaging with other people within my reality.
The other day I was introduced to a new group of people.
I could see that I had resistance to going and meeting the new people, but I also knew that it was something that ‘had to be done’ meaning, even though I had resistance to this, I also did have an awareness that this resistance so to speak was not in my best interest and so I ‘bit the bullet’ and went to meet these new people.
I said hello, shook hands, made conversation, though what I noticed is that within myself during my lunch meeting with these individuals, I had no interest in actually really getting to know them or forming any kind of relationship with them and so within this I was absolutely closed off. From my perspective I was fine if this was the only meeting we ever had with each other and so I offered no kind of connection or extension of myself that would tie myself to them or them to me in any way what so ever.
So what I noticed here is that even though I was aware that the resistance I was having towards meeting these people was ‘not the best for me’ and that I, ‘bit the bullet’ and went to meet them anyways, that even though I did this, that my Starting Point within all this was still existent in how I have always allowed it or have accepted it within me for quite a while now which is basically me standing back and ‘having no interest’ in forming relationships. So even though “I bit the bullet” and went to meet the people, it was ‘not enough’ because I was still approaching the situation and meeting new people with a starting point of “I am not interested in getting to know you” which really makes it impossible to form relationships with people and for them to form relationships with me.
So Here I realize that I must in fact Change my actual starting point towards and within meeting people and forming relationships. Because at the moment my starting point is based on not actually forming relationships at all and so I will require a new foundation, a new starting point for changing this aspect of myself. And so no more ‘keeping to myself’ but stepping out of that programmed behavior and expanding myself within this application of getting to know others and forming relationships with others.
I will continue in blogs to come.
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