Today I was at the bank standing in line waiting for a bank teller to be open. When I walked into the line-up, I noticed someone with a thick book of cheques standing in front of me in the line and he looked to be filling out one of the cheques.
What I have observed about myself is that I will very quickly judge people where its like automatically the first thing that comes up within my mind in relation to others, particularly towards men – these judgments from the perspective of who I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as within myself in relation to men and that is – existing in competition to and towards them, instead of a point of Equality.
So today when I first saw this man writing in his cheque book, I thought to myself that “he is responsible with money”
I thought this because his cheque book was pretty big and I also noted how a friend of mine records all of the money she spends into a ledger which I have also defined as ‘responsible with money’ and so in seeing this man manually filling out a cheque I went into that idea that ‘he is responsible with money’ and also thinking “he is better than me with money’
It is interesting how fast thoughts actually move in terms of what actually goes on within us in seconds that we often do not even see is moving inside ourselves, or just perceive as ‘normal thinking’
At the same time of assessing this man writing in his cheque book, I looked at his clothing and discerned that he was not particularly well dressed, which I thought then…since he is good with money, means that “he must work hard” – So here I am already creating this entire network of ideas about this man whom I have never met or never spoken to, yet here I am forming an opinion about him based on these judgements about him that I am participating with in my mind.
So eventually he goes to the teller and I hear the teller explaining that they are going to have to hold his money for 1 week and can only release a portion of it. The man begins to explain his situation and how ‘he cannot do that’ that he requires the money now.
In hearing this I started to experience my chest area restrict and tighten up and it was like I could not stop myself from hearing or listening to the conversation they were having.
It was interesting how I was like unable to break my attention away from what they were saying, and yet meanwhile, I was going into a kind of fear and anxiety reaction within myself in relation to the conversation they were having which in my eyes was somewhat of a confrontation.
So I pulled my eyes away from them and took a couple deep breaths and kind of stretched out my neck and just did my best to relax back into my body into a point of Self Comfortability and Stability.
I can see that throughout my life I have established quite a reactive relationship with money and banks. I mean I remember exactly standing in the shoes of that man, as so many times in my life Id go to the bank teller and my heart would be pounding because of fear that they would hold my funds for a week – funds which I needed Today! And I felt so powerless in such situations. And I see how I judged myself about this and experienced a drop within myself when ever this would happen. Like a “I am so inadequate” experience, like ‘everyone is looking at me’ and I am so ‘less than’ in judgments formed in relation to money and the position money holds at the moment within our existence as humanity.
What I see is that I Must forgive myself for my past. I see to stop fighting – to stop fighting the system as I realize that its more of a practical point of Aligning myself effectively with the system in a way where I can function effectively within it.
So this man I saw today was in that position that I was in and has been in so many times of ‘reacting’ and thus ‘going into a fighting with’ instead of breathing in such moments, letting go of the reactions that come up and simply realizing that there is still alignments to be sorted out so that one becomes effectively aligned with the operations of the system. And so thus I see that rather than going into a ‘fighting with’ to instead go into a working WITH, and to find out what steps require to be taken to sort the point out so it does not happen again.
So there a few points Id like to pull out within what I wrote.
- To realize and be aware of HOW MUCH we actually judge other people so quickly, and thus that the nature of these judgements can be quite vicious. And so thus then to within being aware and seeing these judgements , I can see I can support myself to Stop such judgements that come up so ‘automatically’ towards others. So yes here, I see that I have been more letting these first impressions judgements get a bit out of hand of late instead of Directing myself to stop these judgements immediately and so approaching others from a Starting point of Equality and Support instead of Competition which I see is a breeding ground for judgments.
- When I noticed that I was getting caught up in my own reactions and anxiety that was emerging within me as I was listening to this man trying to explain himself to the bank teller, I in that moment Supported myself to bring myself back HERE into and as my human physical body, where I actually applied a point that I herd recently in one of the eqafe interviews of how to initially stabilize oneself in ones physical when one see that they are indeed in a reaction, and so I applied this today while in line where I support myself through breathing and moving myself back into a comfortablness within and as my human physical body to stabilize myself and that it actually worked, I was able to bring myself back HERE and ‘release myself’ from the grip that I noticed the conversation I was witnessing was having on me.
- When things don’t ‘go my way’ with regards to “the system” to instead of going into reaction and into fighting within myself and with the system. Rather Breathe, remain Here in and as my human physical body in a point of Stability and simply realize that PRACTICALLY there is still points to align and so to approach the point from a Working With (Solution) instead of a Fighting with (Reaction)
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