I am continuing from where I left off in my last blog…The PIT of Self PITy – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 642
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply Self Forgiveness immediately in the moment when I see self pity coming up and so thus have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by this experience instead of me making a decision within myself to no more accept and allow myself to participate in such an energy experience and so thus I direct me.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that a part of me actually likes participating within self pity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be seduced by the specific signature of the Self Pity energy, and that I have not, when I see self pity coming over me, taken a stand within myself, breathed, and let the Self Pity energy go as a point of no more accepting and allowing myself to be directed by this mind/energy point, but asserting myself to Stand within and as my own Self Directive Principle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Self Pity to console me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the polarity equation of attacking myself within judgement, and then consoling myself with Self Pity, where I become and exist as both the attacker and the consoler.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop this Polarity play-out from existing within me and as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to attack myself within myself through by speaking/thinking the statement within me “I am such a fuck-up”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use self pity as an escape route from the perspective of it being easier to just go into the self pity than to investigate the source of this self pity experience within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Self Pity as a way to “not have to take responsibility for myself” where within Self Pity, I am existing within a state of “but I can’t do anything now…ooooo poor me.” Where here I see that another reason why Self Pity is so inviting is because I have structured this entire construct in a way where when in it, I don’t move or direct myself but just sit there and steep in my cocoon of comfort of self pity, soaking up the energy experience instead of Directing myself in a clear and stable way.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever see, realize, or understand that Self Pity is an outflow of Self Judgement, where I go into consoling myself as a way to comfort myself from the way I am actually feeling about me which is shitty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ever direct this point of Self Judgement within me so that I stop judging myself and thus then from there, going into self pity as the point of consoling me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within myself “but I will always have judgments within me”
So in this particular example of me going into self pity that I outlined in the previous blog, I highlighted the thought/judgement “I am such a fuck-up”
So in bringing that memory/instance here and looking at it, my judgement of “I am such a fuck-up” was in relation to how I have been walking my process/life. In that moment, I was really being critical of myself and really feeling like “I can do nothing to defend myself” from the perspective of I have really not actually proven to myself yet that “I can change” and I was feeling bad about that, I was feeling hopeless within myself and there was fear within me in relation to “omg what is going to happen to me” or like a fear of ‘losing everything’ and so there was all these thoughts/reactions swirling around inside me, and that is when/where I see the Self Pity point emerged. Ultimately I see there was this point of ‘overreaction’ taking place. Within myself I felt completely powerless and so the Self Pity is like a way to mask the Fear that I was experiencing and mask all the other stuff/reactions going on within me. Almost like a Drug! Where the self pity comes and then I go into it and its like subduing, and then ‘away goes the emotional pain’. And so then I sink into the self pity and then its just me alone in my self pity where all those other reactions, fears, cannot penetrate through the wall of self pity I have placed around me, and so I am ‘safe’, and so I just sink down into myself and go into this subdued drugged up state.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into Self Pity as a way to get away from all the reactions that are going on inside me instead of when I see reactions/judgement/fears coming up within me to assist and support myself to Stabilize myself initially through and within Breathing rather than going into Self Pity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and believe myself to be powerless in relation to my own mind as those reactions, thoughts, inner voices, judgements, fears ect that come up within me and so have used Self Pity and going into the emotional energy of and as Self Pity as a way to cope with all these reactions and thus I haven’t assisted and supported myself to practice Stabilizing Myself in the face of when reactions, thoughts, inner voices, judgements, fears ect become overwhelming or come up, where here I can assist and support myself to practice remaining Here and remaining Stable and Directing such points within and through applying the tools of Breathing, Self Forgiveness, and Self Commitment Statements, instead of just automatically going away into Self Pity.
Self Corrective Application.
To Change in a Moment.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to stand and face myself when I find my thoughts, feelings and emotions become overwhelming and I just want to go into the emotional experience of Self Pity as a way to separate myself from and soothe myself in relation to the reactions that come up within me.
And so here I commit myself to assist and support myself to when and as I see that experience or signature of Self Pity showing itself within me, to in such moments, realize that this is indicating that I am wanting to run from or soothe myself in relation something that is going on within me and so here in this moment, I commit myself to instead of going into Self Pity, to rather Stand Here and face myself / the reactions/points that is causing me to want to go into the Self Pity experience, and so here within assisting and supporting myself to not go into Self Pity, but to actually stand and face what is here within and as me, and I can assist and support myself to actually practice Directing myself/my experiences/reactions through the tools of breathing, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective/Directive Statements and Living.
And so I commit myself to assist and support myself to practice standing in the face of Self Pity, and not going into it but rather investigating within myself what thoughts, or back-chats or reactions were coming up within me that is causing me to want to go into the Self Pity point which has become a form of a defense but that never really addressed the source of the problem.
Now in this particular instance/practical example that I have been outlining in this blog. I see that I really went into this point of “I am such a fuck-up”
I commit myself to when and as this thought comes up within me of “I am such a fuck-up” in relation to ‘how I have walked my process/life so far’ and where also in relation to this thought, I am experiencing myself as so overwhelmed, I see here that one thing I can do is I can simply breathe and to realize that what is done is done, and what is to come is still to come, and so to just breathe, and bring myself Here into and as my physical human body in the moment and to look for one point/thing that I can do that would be supportive for me and is aligned with me taking responsibility for myself and my life. And to within this to focus on my breathing so to ensure that I remain here within the moment, and “NOT GET AHEAD OF MYSELF” because I can see that getting ahead of myself is one way that I really let those reactions and thoughts get out of control inside myself and then where Id go into that self pity to comfort myself from all the reactions that came up within me from “getting ahead of myself” and going into all sorts of projections about ‘what’s going to happen in the future’ ect.
And so I see here this is a point of awareness I can utilize to assist and support myself to Remain HERE, instead of going/escaping into Self Pity when ever my thoughts/reactions/mind starts to become to overwhelming.
The awareness that, one way I fuel this entire overwhelmingness is by going into future projections, and getting ahead of myself and then my mind just gets reeling and so here I can support myself in such instances through by breathing and slowing myself down and stabilizing myself into the moment, into the physical so that I can as a starting point, direct myself within what is immediately HERE in my environment as an initial correction point.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop being so hard on myself where I will accept and allow myself to attack myself through self judgements which will then lead to me trying to console myself with self pity, and so thus, I commit myself to assist and support myself to change my approach to Correcting Myself and My Living where instead of utilizing Self Judgement within this process, I can test actually stopping this mechanism within myself as I see that so far it has actually not supported me to walk my process from consciousness to awareness. Lol – because if judgement was helping me, then based on the amount I see I do still Judge myself, I should be allot more Self-Aware if those judgements were actually translating into Self Change which I see they are not all, and so in fact Not supporting me to Change/Correct me.
Ok I see that I actually require to walk this dimension in and as itself. This dimension of myself where I will almost naturally go into a point of Judging myself as a form of reprimanding me for making mistakes instead of replacing Self Judgement with Self Forgiveness where I actually be kind to myself and Forgiving, a point that I see throughout my life has not been here. Ok so in my next blog I will take a closer look at this particular Dimension of myself of how I have tended to throughout my life, Judge myself for making mistakes, instead of Forgiving myself.
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