I was having a conversation with someone and then as I was having the conversation I had this reaction come up where I went into this point of Self Defeat / Self Pity / Sadness within myself. This is a problem because I see that it is a point where I am accepting and allowing myself to be directed by, and overcome by an emotional energy.
Insights and Understanding
I have recently been listening to the Eqafe interviews that were done on Self Pity where that point was opened up, and so today when this reaction came up within me, I could more see the different dimensions of this reaction/energy and so that is what I am going to further open up for myself here.
Some points that I noticed about my reaction is the following.
- It was a clear shift inside myself where I could experience this energy washing over me where within a matter of seconds my entire demeanor and experience of myself changed into this self pity / sadness point.
- I noticed the specific Judgement come up towards/within myself that preceded the emotional energy experience. The judgement was in the form of the statement – “I am such a fuck up”
- I noticed that the energy experience was actually a comforting point, like a womb of sorts, where I sunk into myself and into this emotional energy experience as a way to just block out everything that was going on, and the reactions and points that were here. So I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize this particular energy experience of self pity and sadness as a valid excuse to ‘not face my problems’ or ‘not have to deal with anything’ but instead just sink into this energy and be comforted by this energy.
- I noticed that because I did this, I didn’t actually look at or investigate the Judgements and reactions that came up before hand that preceded the emotional reaction of self pity
In the interviews I listened to today, one of the interesting points discussed was in relation to how “Self Pity” was often used by for instance ones parents during childhood to console the child, normally in relation to some initial point of trauma or reaction. And so it was suggested to see if one is able to when noticing the point of Self Pity coming up within oneself to identify the initial points that triggered it which would come in the form of a Self Judgement that is done in a very attacking nature. And so when I looked within my own example here, I could see in this instance that ‘attacking judgement’ of “I am such a fuck up”
And so I see that this particular judgement is a primary source point here that I require to clear up within myself and to apply Self Forgiveness on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, or understand the consequences of participating with Self Pity / the energy of Self Pity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within Self Pity and not actually assist and support myself to Change this point within and as myself from the perspective of seeing, realizing, and understanding that when I am participating within and as Self Pity, that I am accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my mind and directed by an emotional energy experience, and so thus, I am not being Self Directive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify participating within and as the emotional experience of Self Pity within and through speaking the statement within myself “ah, its not that bad, its not doing any harm” and thus within this, missing the crucial fact that the nature of me participating within the point of Self Pity is an accepted and allowed relationship within myself where I am placing myself as subject to my mind as thoughts, and energy experiences, and thus abdicating my directive principle to my mind where then, this is just another place and space within myself where I am not standing as the directive principle of me and so thus not standing and living to my fullest potential which implies I am Self Directive in each and every breath/moment. Something that cannot be done while participating within and as Self Pity.
To be Continued…
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