Making My Blog My Burden – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 639

Its Time To Stop Carrying The Past, Investigate Self With Desteni I Process

An experience that has been coming up within me over the last few months in relation to writing my daily blog is where I experience this point of heaviness or weightiness and strain within myself in relation to ‘making another post’.

And now I say ‘another post’ because its like this whole blogging process has now become one of where one more post is akin to “the straw that broke the camels back” or for instance where you have filled your cup to the max and all it takes is that one more tiny drop to create that overflow or dam bursting kind of thing.

So I have had this experience come up within my blogging recently where its like with each new blog it’s like I am digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole, or I am piling on more and more and more and now I am carrying on my back all of the blogs that I have done since the beginning.

And so its become this point of “I can’t do another one”

So a point I have been working with, is assisting and supporting myself to unconditionally let go of that which I had previously written, so for instance where I allow myself to ‘let go of’ all of the blogs that I have previously written instead of what I was doing which was worrying about them. Thinking about all the points that I had opened up but never brought through to a close, or all the commitments I made and did not walk, where it was like I was experiencing this weight and heaviness in relation to ‘posting another blog’ where I experienced this as just adding another layer on top of all the other points that were still not yet effectively directed and so just adding more weight to the already unbearable load I was carrying on my shoulders as this blog that I have been posting in over the last 2 years.

I noticed however that this experience was not the same when I was writing in my notebook.

In my notebook, I find I am much more able to just write unconditionally and when the writing is done, I let the points go, where with my blog I have found this a little more difficult to do.

I would even find this ‘straining’ experience coming up in individual blogs, where instead of my writings being a point of ‘writing out’ I was more ‘writing on’ like piling on the points, adding more, putting more rocks in the wagon and so creating this point of Heaviness within and through writing in my blog instead of writing being a point of releasing myself from all the thoughts, back-chats, concerns, ect that is going on inside my head.

So I see this has to do with Self Judgement. Where I start to go into judging my writing and thinking

That is not good enough

That is not clear enough

I missed the point

I could have articulated that better

And so then within these judgements creating this tension inside myself while writing to the point where I just wanted this blog that I have been busy posting in over the last 2 years to just ‘go away’, because I have been perceiving it as a burden in a way and I was having trouble ‘facing this point’ if you will.

So I brought this point up recently in a chat with someone and this point of being more unconditional in my approach was a point that came through during the discussion.

And so this is a point I have been working with in my writings in all the formats I write within.

So this does not mean to ignore and forget about everything. For me I see it just means to be ok with letting points go and ‘moving on’ instead of being hard on myself because I never finished writing about some point 300 blogs ago that is like festering inside me.

So Here I must ‘let go’ and release myself from this worrying, and judging myself for how I perceive my blogs to be going.

Because as I mentioned, this point does not come up so much in my notebook where I find it is allot ‘lighter’ in terms of my experience when writing where I am much more easily able to ‘let points go’ if I don’t get the wording right, or feel I didn’t articulate the point the way I wanted to.

So, yes, this is a point I am here going to assist and support myself with in my blogs also.

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