This blog is the second part of the blog – Creating Inner Storms – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 629
Ok so I am continuing here with re-visting an emotional experience that came up the other day while working on a project. An emotional experience that I see is a point that I will often access within myself where this emotional experience has ended up being a particular way that I deal with certain situations in my life and so here in these writings I am assisting and supporting myself to correct myself here so that I no more accept and allow myself to go into this specific emotional experience that came up the other day/that often comes up where I will then base my decisions/actions on this experience.
So this specific emotional experience emerges as a kind of frustration within me which I become distracted by and that thus within being distracted, I become ineffective in my actual Self Application in the moment.
what I see is a common end result within and as this specific emotional reaction of frustration is ‘giving up’.
Lol – now as I am writing this blog, wouldn’t ya know it – guess what experience is coming up. Yes, this exact experience that I am writing about, and an interesting point that I see here in terms of a point that is supporting the generation of this emotional experience is kind of like a point of schizophrenia where I am stuck in 2 points at the same time where I am doubting which direction to go or where I am not completely set on the direction I have in fact decided to take but that within me there still exists questions coming up with regards to ‘is this the way I should go?’
See, I wasn’t completely sure if I should write out this blog tonight on this point, I was debating whether or not I should do this point or a different one, and if I look back to my experience a few days ago, that ‘split’ within my decision to actually walk that point I was working on was also there where though I had made a decision, I still was not 100 percent certain within myself of my direction.
So this ‘split’ exist in the form of questions like
Is this the right point or is this the wrong point
Is this worth my time or is this a waste of time
And so what I see happens is that I actually exist as that question in relation to points I am walking instead of in fact making a decision one way or another. And then this creates a kind of distance from the actual task at hand where id for instance be more willing to ‘let mistakes slide’ because in the back of my mind there is that point of ‘this is a waste of time anyway’ or something like that.
The other day when I was working on my project, I was really not sure if I should be spending that time doing that or not. And so when I for instance started to make mistakes on the project, I didn’t bother to stop myself and correct them immediately because within myself I hadn’t really yet made up my mind of whether this point was worth my time or not and I see that if I had made that decision that it was in fact worth my time, I would not have allowed such careless errors to happen and then accumulate into a point where it was ‘out of hand’
Because that is like the final stages of the ‘emotional experience’ I am speaking about here where then I just ‘give up’ The experience of where things get too far out of hand and its just like chaos and so I then decide to just ‘give up’ And so what I see is that in by not having a clear directive decision as my starting point, I am in a way setting the scene for this ‘frustration experience’ to emerge and what routinely happens is that it takes over and ends up directing me and overwhelming me.
Ok so I have uncovered A bit more insight into this experience that came up the other day and that I see emerges often within my life. Where here what I have identified as a key component of this emotional experience of frustration that often leads to giving up is the point of where I am divided within myself actually from the outset in relation to the point I am working on where this this question I have towards the point I am involved with of ‘is this worth my time or is this a waste of time’ becomes like a splinter that wedges itself into what I am doing and creates a split that ends up causing me to not be fully engaged within the task at hand and thus opening the door for errors to occur that ‘I don’t bother correcting’ and thus then at times leading to a point of where things just become confusing and ‘out of hand’ to the point where I then just give up.
Ok so the point now is to take a closer look at this dividedness that I exist within in relation to the direction I am taking so to look at how I can assist and support myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to exist in this way so that this no more end up manifesting reactive experiences that affect my actual application within that which I am working on.