Sinking Decisions – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 625

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So again today I was faced with a decision point that in a way has been Here all this time for the past year and has been resurfacing from time to time though the point is here again and so now I am here opening this point up again because each time that this ‘decision point’ comes up in my world, I will investigate it, sometimes more than others, and then ultimately the point will sink away into the background until it remerges again.

This point is related to career change where if you have ever faced this point then you may understand this process and the various thoughts, ideas, emotions, beliefs, experiences, energies, inner talk that come up inside oneself when facing such a point.

I am 32 years old and turning 33. So practically speaking I do see this as quite reasonable for one to actually be able to change ones career though I do see some points coming up within me which is a form of resistance or points which ‘deter’ me from actually making this such change/decision to change.

One of those points is that as I stand here in this moment the point exists within me of “Ok what do I do?”

Its like I have no practical guideline of how to do this for myself. Its like “there is a blank”. Now the reason I see that there is this blank is because essentially I have never walked such a path before, but have spent most of my adult life living out the path that I had initially set out to walk in terms of career and so only ever learned how to walk that one path or do that one point.

So this is a new point and so I am ‘drawing a blank’.

I see this as a cool point to walk some Self Forgiveness on though simplistically I do see that what I require to do is ‘take that first step’ So it’s not about getting it all figured out in terms of exactly how its all going to play out but rather to ‘take that first step’ and then take it from there.

So here I see this ‘drawing a blank’ is more of a ‘potential obstacle’ than a ‘real obstacle’ depending on if I allow it as an obstacle or not and fundamentally this really comes back to what I accept and allow of myself because I could easily give up when faced with this ‘drawing a blank’ point. I could easily just not do it because ‘its not clear’ and simply just continue to do what I have programmed myself to do which is the more ‘automatic’ stuff that I do and so never actually expand myself within my life.

And this is really the point that I have found has been happening over this past year specifically is that when ever this specific Decision Point has come up in relation to career over the past year, I will look at it and sometimes will take some slight movements on it but then just allow the point to sink away into the background, instead of staying active with the point and bringing it up to the surface and then from there establishing the point as something that eventually then become a part of my life in a permanent way. Because what I have found is that if I do not give the point direction it simply just sinks away back into darkness and the decision point is like gone again. Though now as I am writing this, I am wondering if this is in fact the real story. Because I do see this point of where at the end of the day I am the one that does allow the point to sink away, meaning it would not just sink away if I did not want it to or allow it to.

So this in itself is actually an interesting point that I see is quite relevant within my life. This point of “Sinking Decisions”. And so the question for myself is why do I allow this to take place in my life where I will make a decision to do something or a decision will come up for me to direct and either eventually I will allow myself to ‘go back on my decision’ where I will just revert back to ‘my old self’ or I will not even end up moving on the decision at all where it only ever makes it into the ‘realm of consideration’ instead of moving from that ‘realm’ into a point of actualization as action and practical implementation.

Now with this specific decision point of the “Career Change” this has actually happened on a few different occasions where this point has come up and then I just allowed it to sink away again.

I mean I see that it is not just a simple thing from the perspective that I see that what I am facing with this point is a point of Self Change. And with Self Change comes the point of where one must actually let go of deeply embedded ideas, perceptions, moods, personalities, thought patterns, behavior patterns that one has come so used to existing as but that is not aligned with the “New Decisions” or Direction one is endeavoring to take.

So I see that I have allowed this decision of the career change to sink away because there is allot of stuff going on inside me and likely underneath the surface that I might not yet be really seeing that is influencing me to make that decision inside myself to just ‘let the point sink away’.

Another thing about this point is that it has continuously been coming up over this past year. So the fact that it has kept coming up now makes me consider that maybe there is something within myself that I am not seeing here or have not considered in relation to this point, in terms of why I haven’t been able to just let the point go and move on but that rather when I think I have done that that it keeps continuing to come up.

To be continued.

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