Today at the carving site one of the other artists was asking about an application that was executed on one of the pieces in the studio and when he asked about it I saw a point of fear come up within me because from my perspective I interpreted him asking about it to mean that he did not like how it turned out/looked.
Now when I saw this, a burst of anxiety quickly came up within my solar plexus and I immediately answered “we all did it”.
This was to protect myself from admitting that “I was the one that did it” and then basically ‘being the one to blame’ for how it turned out.
My exclamation was a partially true statement as there was a number of us individuals who worked on the particular point in question but overall I saw myself as responsible because I remember insisting that this particular way ‘looked good’ and I was satisfied with it.
Though in the moment when the point was brought into question and I went into an immediate experience of anxiety.
One interesting thing that I notice in this moment of anxiety is that how quickly I went into defense and in a way placing the blame onto the other workers or more accurately deflecting the blame off of myself onto anything and anyone that I could and so it was less about the other individuals that were involved in the process, meaning, I had/have nothing personally against them. What was more central here is doing what ever I could to quickly deflect what I experienced as an accusation off of myself onto anything and anyone but me.
So within this point, I can see that I was accepting and allowing myself to in a way disregard my peers through by being so quick to ‘throw them under the bus’ so to speak as long as I came out of that particular moment unscathed and appearing still worthy in the eyes of the individual bringing up the point.
So what I must investigate here is why am I not standing equal to my peers or other aspects of my environment but that I would see them as points simply to be used at my disposal when needed to maintain and support my self interest as my self image which is ultimately what I did by in that moment not pausing before I implicated that “it was more their doing than my own”
Within this also I can see a dimension of where I am also trusting another’s opinion and judgement over my own and ultimately holding them, their opinions/judgments in ‘higher value’ than my own. Because I see that at the time when the piece was executed that I was in fact satisfied with that section of the piece that was now in question and in fact even the day before I was defending that very section to another individual so its interesting to see how I was willing to stand my ground in terms of expressing my position with the point with one individual though would in a split second completely abandon myself in a way and submit absolutely without question to the opinion/value judgement of another in the next moment.
So this is also another point I can investigate for myself to assist and support myself to correct this particular aspect within myself were here I can look at the point of Self Trust where I am willing to express my views on a point and also to not react to other peoples views if they differ from mine and to not take others opinions personally as if “I am wrong” or “I am inferior” or “I am incapable” and so here I can examine how to assist and support myself to Establish Self Value from the perspective of being able to simply express myself and share what I see and to be Stable within that, not needing others to Validate my views or perspectives no matter who I perceive them to be. And so I see that an aspect of this is to do with how I see/view others in relation to myself within the context of Superiority/Inferiority where here I see that I am still existing within this polarity interplay instead of standing within and as a point of equality and oneness with All beings in my world.
Ok so cool point here that opened up here as I wrote. When I opened my word document tonight I actually thought “I have nothing to write about” and so when I looked at my day, this point came up within me of this moment where I experienced that slight reaction of anxiety within me in that moment when I was discussing one of the art pieces with one of my co-workers and so interesting to within ‘starting to dig’ at that point of anxiety, unearth and reveal these inter-plays of dimensions within myself and so here moving and supporting myself to in uncovering this stuff, expand my awareness of myself.
I initially didn’t even want to write about this seemingly small reaction – I thought “ah that’s nothing” but yes, I see that it is not ‘nothing’ so cool to find all this stuff in just this small moment/point that I could have easily just brushed off as nothing.
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
desteni.org – Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs
Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs.