I am here going to investigate my past in relation to how I had made the decision to pursue the point of being an artist.
I was looking at this point recently and a point I noticed within this is how there is this point within me where It’s almost unnatural if you will for me to think about or consider doing anything else but art.
Its quite an interesting experience really because what I have been finding is that it is in fact quite difficult for me to consider other options in terms of what I could potentially do with my life.
And so the question comes up of “did I really chose art” or “am I able to choose to not do art” because what I find in my life now is that it is very difficult for me to actually start to consider doing something else, despite the fact of if I want to do something else or not. So this is the point I want to take a closer look at. Because why is it like this?
So one question or point I want to look at here is ‘do I see myself capable of doing something else other than art?’
In looking back at my past, I started doing art from a very young age and I never in my life considered doing anything else with my life other than to either become an artist or a professional athlete.
Quite fascinating really that I only ever considered doing these 2 things.
The point of becoming a doctor or a biologist, or doing business or engineering, or getting a trade or becoming a carpenter – none of this I ever considered. Not even once. I had no interest at all about these other walks of life. To me I wanted to be a professional athlete and then also I had this point of being an artist.
These considerations started when I was in high school really and when I was 18 I realized that to become a professional athlete was not going to be an option, and so that is when I decided to go to art school.
I don’t remember thinking about or considering doing anything else. There was never any choice in my mind of different options that I would like to do. After the professional athlete point was removed from the equation I turned my attention to ‘being an artist’ and this was It – I never considered anything else there is “being an Artist” and then there was blackness. Nothing else existed – no other option – no other interest. My total attention and direction was in relation to being an artist.
It wasn’t until I was in my mid to late 20’s that other options in terms of career entered into my awareness or consideration.
So the question came up – “do I see myself as capable or able to do anything else” and why is it so difficult to ‘change course’?
I mean in a way it would make sense that this ‘changing course’ would be difficult due to how I had oriented myself in such a way where I had only ever considered and focused on one point only with giving Zero attention to anything else so that now when ever I go to consider something else its in a way seems abstract or intangible or unrealistic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as incapable of doing anything else other than art, and that if I do anything else, I will not be successful or good at it because I had only ever considered myself good at art and had never considered myself able to do other things effectively as well, and so in this, I just have never given doing anything else any real consideration or attention because within my mind “its not realistic” or “I am incapable of doing it” not realizing that this idea that I have of me being “incapable” of doing something else is more linked to a limited idea that I have formed about myself and my abilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘find it difficult’ to consider and thus move into another career or line of work where I end up just thinking “this is too hard” and kind of give up on such considerations and movement into because it just seems ‘too much’ or ‘too difficult’ to do because its like as soon as I am not deliberately giving such points consideration these other potentials just disappear into blackness and what I have always done and how I have always lived becomes again that which occupies my attention without me seemingly being able to do anything about it or direct what I give my attention to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be no good at doing anything else and that if I were to do something else with my life in terms of career, that it will be difficult and I will likely have no success in this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have formed a very concrete yet, limited idea about ‘how the world works’ and in this have made it difficult for me to consider ‘doing something else with my life’ in terms of career because to do something else would in fact require my life to change and how I live my life daily to change and to move into other ways and forms of moving and living in my life that I have never done before and that I had not included or considered in my hardened idea of ‘how life works’
I see, realize, and understand that it has been difficult for me to consider moving into a different career other than art because in doing this, I’d have to in fact move and direct myself in and as my physical living behavior differently and in a way that is different than how I have been living my daily routine throughout my life and so then this becomes very ‘alien’ not because it is unordinary but because it is unordinary for me in terms of how I have lived, but for others is more ordinary.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not have fun in doing anything else but art. That I will not enjoy myself at all. That I will hate it. And so have built up an extensive resistance to ‘doing something else’ in terms of potential career options, and that within this I forgive myself that I haven’t paused to actually consider if this resistance is valid but that I have simply insisted on not ever going to far into depth in considering doing anything else but doing art and thus have allowed this ‘beLIEf’ that I will not enjoy anything else but art rule me and influence me to the degree where I have in a way cut myself off from exploring other potential careers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ‘a fear of missing out’ drive me to think that what I am doing currently is not valid or not good enough and that ‘I should be doing other things’ because what I am doing now can’t possibly be as good as other things out there that I am not doing or considering – instead of having my considerations about exploring other potentials be a Self Directed consideration and direction, done within a point of stability instead of fear and anxiety
I commit myself to assist and support myself to take into consideration the relationship that I have formed with art throughout my life, particularly how I had never considered doing anything else, when I am now here investigating other career opportunities and to within this, not simply rule these opportunities out just because I find it difficult to actually give any attention to them but to thus taking into consideration that how I have conditioned and programmed myself may be influencing me and so I must make sure that I am not giving up to quickly just because I am now in a point of requiring to direct myself into expanding myself instead of just relying on my programming and conditioning to stimulate me and move me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child rule out me doing anything else in this world other than being a professional athlete or being an artist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to be and thus believe myself to be too old from the perspective that “it is too late now” for me to branch out and do something else with my life like starting a new career and that if I were to do this that I would not be good at it, that I would be limited in this new career, and as a result of these ideas I have accepted and allowed to exist within me, I end up giving up before I begin or becoming discouraged to really dedicate myself to expanding myself into other career opportunities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now later in life define myself as incapable of doing anything else well, that anything else that I might chose to do, I would be ‘less effective’ at it than I would with art, and that I have accepted this about myself and thus therein not allowed myself to explore or really move myself into doing other things like for instance developing another line of work or career for myself because I believe that I will in fact be limited within this and this is a discouraging idea/point to face and to place oneself in, and so I hold back – yet not considering that this point about me being limited is a compromising idea about myself that could potentially be holding back from really expanding myself and in fact becoming more effective and fulfilled within my living expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being good at art only and everything else I am not good and so when I am doing something else or approaching something else, I have limited myself within my ability or expression within that point due to having the starting point of “I am limited within this” or that “I am not able to be really effective at this because I am only able to do this with art”.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to when and as I am faced with ‘doing other things in my life’ that I make sure that this idea that ‘I am only good at art’ and thus ‘will inevitably be less effective at this point I am now faced with’ , that I make sure that this idea is not influencing me as I realize that this is in fact more just an idea and belief that I have accepted about me and so thus I commit myself to assist and support myself to approach doing new things such as considering and approaching new career opportunities as points which to expand myself and become more effective within my living expression and application and thus allow myself to expand my abilities instead of in a way holding myself as my abilities hostage within the idea that I am only effective at doing one thing, and thus in this not allowing myself to fully dedicate myself to developing myself and my abilities within other points.
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