Where Did This Feeling Come From? – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 607

 

Fog

Today I was driving over to drop a few things off at where I work and I noticed that I kept wanting to go into a specific experience of myself.

And so a question came up.

‘Is this experience that I am now having, existing because this is how I have conditioned and automated myself to respond to this particular situation?’ ‘Did I decide to have this experience?’ ‘Did I consciously say, ‘ok lets have this experience now?’ I see that this is not the case – what is the case is that often I will just ‘find’ myself in an experience. That is how it normally happens.

So what I was looking at within myself is how much of my experience is in fact automatic where for instance certain specific experiences will activate within me when I am for instance, driving. Or when I send e-mails. Or when I am dealing with money. Or when I am drinking a coffee.

So I am going to investigate this point for myself and observe my experience and see how much of my experience is being automated.

So that’s really it.

Just a point I was noticing today because as I was driving I was considering that there was really no reason for me to be experiencing myself the way I was in relation to what I was doing. It was like the math did not add up. I was heading over to work, yet my experience within me was quite negative, only, it made no sense for it to be that way and so then what I see is that if I don’t question the experience and just go with it, I am ultimately allowing it and then I become that experience in relation to what I am doing even if that experience is uncomfortable or is not supportive.

So I mean I can look at myself and see that Its like I only have a certain amount of experiences that I exist within during my life. There are some primary ones that are pretty much the standard with a few variations here and there and so it’s like I, Andrew Gable have become this group of experiences that I cycle within instead of me actually deciding if these experiences are valid or not.

A few days ago, I was like “Ok, I’ve gotta change things up” like changing my routine. And so I started doing this but what is interesting about the experience I had today in the car is that this experience was more aligned to the actions, behaviors, thoughts, worries, fears, that was linked to my previous living patterns that I was living out before I was looking at this point of “Ok I’ve gotta change things up” So if I have changed things up, then why is the experience the same, and so this is where I started to question the automation of my experiences, and also seeing the necessity to also deliberately support myself to not only change myself in my living behavior but to also support myself to ‘change my experience’ of myself, meaning where I don’t just simply allow myself to become submersed within an experience just because it comes up and just because that is what I am normally used to. And so here I can also consider in my application of supporting myself to “change things up” to pay attention to my experiences and make sure that I am not simply accepting pre-programmed experiences to come over me and influence me throughout my day.

So in the car today, I applied some Self Forgiveness out loud and pushed myself to stop my ‘negative experience’ that seemed to just come up out of nowhere ever so sneakily, like a thief in the night. So I will continue with investigating this point and supporting myself to assist and support myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to participate with pre-programmed experiences where these just seem to come up and then I just for some reason accept them as valid without questioning them.

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