Again at work today I saw a point of comparison coming up in relation to my peers. I have looked at this point before and essentially it is the same or similar point coming up now again within me in relation to my peers at work.
I noticed that what I do is I start to compare what I am doing in relation to what my peers are doing where in doing this I see that there is a point of anxiety/fear within me within this point of comparison.
I work in an environment where I am creating artwork to sell in a gallery setting. This point is very self directed though also at the same time there is a particular framework that all the employees work within so that in the end the kind of work/art everyone is doing is quite similar.
But each individual is left to their own devises to decide what they think would be the most effective way to produce work to sell in the gallery.
So what I have noticed within this is that I will often get distracted by what my co-workers are doing. There are situations though where I am genuinely curious as to what they’re doing and these instances I see that I am Not in fact ‘distracted’ per se but the point of distraction more comes up in relation to this point of comparison where within me there is a kind of fear and anxiety existent, not simply just a curiosity or interest in what they are doing. The problem is when there is an anxiety and fear coming up.
Today I noticed this point coming up again where I was very interested in what the other workers were doing wherein this I started to lose sight of what I was doing. So it become a kind of preoccupation and thus distraction.
This can be dangerous because one thing that I have noticed is that my life is very different from those around me. There is like completely different parameters with regards to each individuals practical daily lives, finances, bills, personal histories, direction in terms of where they are planning to be in the future ect… and that all this really play a role in the decisions each individual makes in terms of what kind of art/products they decide to create for themselves for the gallery. So for me to go into comparison the way I do and think “I should be doing what they are doing” or “they should be doing what I am doing” is inaccurate.
What I find is that I will lose trust in my own approach quite quickly where I will abandon my style and approach in what seems like the ‘drop of a hat’ and then not only start to question what I am doing/working on, but also will start to change how I am applying myself within the thought that “I should be doing more what they are doing”
So this really comes down to a point of trust.
And so one of the primary points I see existent in this play-out is the experience of Anxiety. I see that the Anxiety Energy is one of the more prominent points that I see influence me within this point because I see that the experience I have within myself of this anxiety is actually quite overwhelming and in a way driving this internal questioning back-chat I have in my mind about the situation.
So what comes up as this Anxiety is like a form of negative excitement if you will. So the frequency of the energy I experience as this Anxiety is quite a high vibrating frequency I experience in my solar plexus.
In this experience I will start to question what I am doing and start going into fear and doubting what I am doing and thinking ‘I should be doing things differently’ and/or that ‘what I am doing is wrong and is not going to work’ and/or that ‘I am making a mistake’ and so just end up creating an overall experience of anxiety and fear and that can also trigger/lead to a depression and/or giving up experience/state as well.
I see that I haven’t really established a Stability in my approach and really ironed out my “Why’s” in terms of why it is exactly I am approaching my art creation the way I am.
I have gone over this with myself on a number of occasions though I still am seeing here that I am quite speedy still to throw this entire practical considerations out the window I have made around this point and why it is exactly that I am taking the approach I am- tossing this out the window as soon as I see someone else trying something new or doing something different than me.
And so I get caught in a ‘wave’ if you will. A wave of emotion. A wave of anxiety. A sweeping trend, where I get caught up in this sweeping trend and will bend and change according to the trend instead of actually remaining stable within my approach that I have decided would be the most practical and most effective for me to take based on considering the context of my life and thus directing me accordingly.
So here I see there is a dimension of me still trusting that which comes up in my mind more than the actual practical considerations I made into/about my life in terms of why it is that I am applying myself the way I am and approaching making the kind of art I am in the way that I am. I mean, its not actually random at all – though I see I am still allowing the point of ‘trusting my mind’ to influence me within this point quite a bit still
I am not apposed to changing direction – Though what I see here also is that there is still allot of anxiety and fear coming up inside me and that often this anxiety and fear is becoming the catalyst for change instead of me making and decision in self stability and clarity to change, adapt, try a different approach and then having this be a Self Directed Movement of me – Not something that is being triggered by fear or anxiety, or back-chat, which I see is still the case.
Ok so here a point for me to correct, and stabilize within myself/ my life atm.
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