This blog is a continuation of a series of blogs where I am investigating a reaction I had come up recently while working on an art piece, I have decided to open this point up through looking at it within 3 different dimensions – The Conscious/Personal, The Subconscious/Interpersonal, and the Unconscious/Universal. For a cool and interesting overview of these 3 dimensions please see this blog – http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/08/day-474-blogging-three-in-one.html
For context, I was busy making a piece of art and things were going fine and I was stable within my experience though at one point I made an error that I perceived as detrimental to the piece and within this I started to react extensively where this caused quite an uncomfortable experience within me for a few days as I continued to work on the piece and try and ‘solve the problem’ that I had created.
Today I am moving into the Subconscious/Interpersonal aspect of this reaction that erupted so to speak, a few days ago.
Now one point that I see as one of the nuclei that is/was fueling this reaction I experienced is a kind of peer pressure and competition. I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my art in relation to other people and so have always used other people as my guideline to see ‘how good I am’ Where within this I have accepted and allowed myself to become occupied with making sure ‘I am always the best’ and if I am not the best then I see that this experience comes up where I become obsessed and possessed with refining my ability so that I do become the best.
I remember when I was in grade 4 or 5, there was this Kid on the bus who was in a grade lower than me and he was showing his drawings to some people. I caught a glimpse of his drawings and my hear dropped. “He is better than me” I thought to myself. And there was this anxiety that came up within me.
I later had this when I was in art school when I met an artist where when I saw his work, my heart sank and I felt inadequate inside myself. And in relation to this, I went into this obsession where Id push and push and push and push myself to make more art and constantly be making more art and doing art all the time though this entire process being fueled by this pursuit of ‘becoming the best’ which in this case was focused on ‘becoming more than’ this one artist that I had met where within myself I experienced myself as “behind” and so I experienced this urgency within myself to ‘catch up’ and so Id paint long hours, though the starting point of this was simply to catch up to this other guy instead of this being a real Self Motivation or oriented to actual Self Expression where I was/am expressing me for me. And I can see this point still here with regards to how I am currently moving myself within my current environment. Although I am ‘not as bad’ as before I do still see this point of competition coming up. Now on the one had its cool to have support in terms of my other co-workers actually working effectively and so thus this becomes a kind of motivation for me to push myself where for instance when you have a group of people performing at a high level then this kind of makes it easier if you will for one within that group to do this also. However I see that I must base my starting point on Practicality and not simply just trying to “do more” or “be the best” but rather to assist and support myself to establish my starting point on a more practical seeing of reality where I look and see what would be the best approach for me based on the criteria of my life and not getting caught up or pre-occupied in simply competing with others where this then start to influence my decision making process and thus my experience of myself within this.
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