This blog is a continuation of a series of blogs where I am investigating a reaction I had come up recently while working on an art piece, I have decided to open this point up through looking at it within 3 different dimensions – The Conscious/Personal, The Subconscious/Interpersonal, and the Unconscious/Universal. For a cool and interesting overview of these 3 dimensions please see this blog – http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/08/day-474-blogging-three-in-one.html
In my last 2 blogs I was looking at the conscious/personal and so I am going to continue today with investigating this point though I will specify as I go what dimension I am looking at.
So I can see straight away that this again is indeed the Conscious/Personal dimension of this reaction that I am looking into here.
The initial reaction occurred about 5 days ago now and its been kind of like an underground volcano where on the surface things look normal but this reactions just seems to keep emerging and emerging and spewing out of me where its like “where is this all coming from”
I have noticed within this reaction ALLOT of anger. Its interesting to see how extensive this reaction is because on the surface as I am creating this artwork its like things are cool. Though there is a condition to this “things are cool”. Things are cool as long as everything goes fine and well and it works out.
If there is a mistake that occur then I react, and I have reacted before to in my past to the pieces I am working on but over the years I have found ways to correct it or get past it.
So this particular point I just can’t seem to let go. I have looked at the point of ‘what if this doesn’t work out’ And would I be Ok with that. Because I see that I must get to that point of Living absolute Forgiveness where I am able to simply let points go where I do not accept and allow reactions to erupt within me and essentially dominate me.
Today I did some sanding on my piece to test and see what the overall stone is going to look like and OMG the stone in itself was absolutely beautiful. And this now almost made the reaction worse because now it was like “I was wasting such a cool opportunity”
There is also the point of money involved with this point and so thus also is my future career in Art. I have found this career to be somewhat fragile, particularly at the growing stage, and so I can see that some of my reaction is tied up in this as well, where I experience this point of Art being so much hinged on each piece that I do with little breathing room for mistakes, and so when a mistake like this comes up I can see there is a part of me that goes into survival mode. I also noticed this reaction within me I believed that “I was doomed to repeat the same cycles over and over” where I will never grow or expand what I am doing within my life and within my career. This was in relation to that this piece was actually in a way ‘getting ahead’ or expanding from my previous position financially speaking and then suddenly after 2 weeks its like ‘it was all for not’ and so this question came up inside me of “Why?” because its like I was taken right back into my regular ‘Position’ that is more what I am used to living where its like “just when you think you can get ahead” BAM some unexpected point happens and you find yourself Exactly where you always are and so this was discouraging.
But the point I want to continue looking a bit more at here is the point of anger. Because I have noticed that there was/is allot of anger coming up and from my perspective this is what the opposite of doing art is supposed to be about. I mean it is fascinating that this seemingly therapeutic activity can bring up so much anger which is thus indicating “Ok there is this anger inside me”. So this is another point that interests me because I did not realize I had this much anger just sitting under the surface like this.
So where is this anger coming from within me?
I want this piece to be good. Yes I want this piece to be good so that I can put it on my facebook page and have another piece for my portfolio as evidence of my skill/ability.
This could also have to do with “wanting to do art” I mean I wanted to do art in my life since I was quite young even around the age of 12 or 13 I started getting more serious about art and then eventually went to artschool and decided that I would dedicate myself to this point and so there has been this point through the years of “wanting this to work” and so this point where my current piece did not work out really seems like a missed opportunity that I cannot get back and I see that I am placing ALLOT of weight on this like this means that “my art career is over” that I missed this opportunity and that is going to cost me dearly. And so I can see that the extensiveness of this reaction in a way related to this. Related to the amount of value I have placed on this particular point.
Now – There is also my peers and so this is now moving into the Second Dimension which is the Subconscious/Interpersonal. So I have been observing my peers making pieces and putting them in the gallery and I have been experiencing myself “falling behind” and so there is also this pressure that I have been placing on myself to ‘get pieces done’ or at least to create a new piece and so with this piece I was well on my way and I was feeling good about things because I would have a piece in the gallery and then suddenly the points started to run into some obstacles and now Its going to take much longer to complete if it gets completed at all and so within this there suddenly was quite a stress upon me because it is kind of like I had just taken 2 weeks off without doing anything when it was very much critical that I do something.
Now I am going to stop here but Id like to begin my next blog with writing out the point of how Id become absolutely obsessed with trying to perfect my work where there is this prominent point that really stands out within my life and particularly with my art of where Id become possessed with trying to make things work out where if I for instance did a painting and it didn’t work, Id go into this extensive reaction and Id have to keep painting until I fixed things where this was literally like a possession because it was like “I just had too” I could not handle not having the piece I was working on not work out” I see that this possession point is also a part of the Second Dimension of the Subconscious/Interpersonal because I can see the point of comparison to my peers within it, so I will go more into this point in my next blog
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