Recently at work I have been noticing this point within me where I will become jealous of what other people are working on and doing where I will think what they are doing is better where within this I will end up diverting my attention off of what I am doing onto what they are doing where this ‘attention diversion’ is actually stimulated from a reaction that is occurring within me.
What I noticed is that this point is kind of like a “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” type thing.
Ok so I am going to walk through this entire “attention diversion” scenario step by step.
So I am at work and I notice that someone else is working on something also. Within myself my attention immediately start to wander towards what they are doing where this ‘wandering attention” is being substantiated by a point of comparison where I want to see what they are working on so that I can compare it to what I am working on. And also I see this point of actually checking what they are doing to make sure that what I am doing is still valid and worthy.
Within this I see that for one – there is a lack of Self Trust within what I am doing where there is a kind of fear existing within me that “what I am doing is not good enough” or that “what they are doing is better”
Ultimately I see that this is related to me simply ‘wanting to win’ though I guess the question is what is it actually driving me to ‘want to win’ all the time. Because this kind of imply an inherent self belief of unworthiness where I am constantly trying to prove my worthiness where I am driven to do this.
More directly here I am able to see the relationship of this particular ‘wandering attention’ experience and MONEY, and thus the pursuit of Success and Money which similarly contains this point of ‘doubt’ which is a kind of ‘feeling unworthy’ or ‘feeling inadequate’ where Its like there is this fear and doubt within me towards “being capable to succeeding” and so within this integral experience of Self Doubt, I am constantly comparing myself to others in this form of constantly assessing myself in relation to the other ‘players’ in the game of life that are a part of my immediate environment to see where I am at, if what I am doing is “the right thing” to do or not, again implying a form of lack of self trust and looking for validation from others/comparing myself to what others are doing, which I see kind of trap me within a limited framework of “what I am willing and unwilling to do” where this would always be related to what others are doing.
Now the Jealousy that I experienced today I can see is related to this Self Doubt where there is like this engrained fear that I will fail and that this is related to what others are doing where here I see that within this specific point at work, I see that what happened is that I immediately went into doubt towards my project when I noticed this other persons project. This is interesting because previously I was actually quite satisfied with what I was doing when I was simply working alone with no one else around.
Ok so getting more back to the step by step walking of this experience
Ok so here I am, working on my project and being quite satisfied with it and how it was going. Then my attention wanders towards this other person and their project where my attention is like ‘sending out its feelers’ to check what I am doing in comparison to what others are doing.
And so then what comes up in Jealousy. Along with an energetic experience within myself of feeling depressed/deflated/disappointed in myself where I feel like a ‘drop’ in my experience because now “what I am doing is not good enough’ and now I feel like a failure in comparison to this other person and their project, immediately thinking that “what they are doing is better” Where this thinking that what they are doing is better is actually kind of irrational where it is a point that more ‘jumps up’ right away where it is reaction based and really having no logic behind it or substance but that its more of just thinking and believing that “what they are doing is better” where it is like a default reaction where I shift within my experience to this thinking/feeling “what they are doing is better”
I have noticed that I actually have the tendency to do this allot where I am seemingly always thinking that “what others are doing is better than what I am doing”
Its like an automated reaction I have towards in this case the people I work with and the various projects they and myself are working on.
It is like Human Beings are wired to think that what others are doing is better even when it is like a win win where each being actually has a cool point/project to work on and discover that is equally as cool as the next one, yet still for some reason its like everyone is eyeing everyone else’s projects up thinking – “what they are doing is better” and “what I am doing sucks”. Though here I do see the reverse of this as well in terms of where Id be doing this same “Wandering Attention” point but the experience would be a “What I am doing is Awesome and What everyone else is doing is not as cool” and so within this I see this point of polarity as well.
In my Next blog, I will continue to open up this point within and through Applying Self Forgiveness.
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