I have noticed that I have no interest in actually meeting or knowing about, or getting to know people. I have noticed overall that ‘I am not a people person’ and that I mostly make no effort at all to get to know people.
The other day I was speaking with someone and this thought came up within my mind about myself where I saw myself as ‘difficult to get along with’ to the point of seeing myself as someone who ‘people do not or would no like’
I mean, I have had that point in my life before where I would come across certain individuals who I found I had an aversion towards and who I thought ‘man people must not like that person’ and so recently I have been seeing myself as that person that nobody likes. Its like that entire scenario where you live your life vowing never to be a certain way or be like a certain person to only eventually find yourself later in life become exactly that which you have despised or vowed never to become.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist getting to know people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘getting to know people’ as exhausting’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never make any effort to get to know someone, but that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a very closed and ‘cut-off’ way where I very rarely, boarding on never, let anyone into my life or open myself up to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the people I meet, see, know where I mostly think towards others that ‘I would or will never be friends with that person’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed some internal mechanism inside me tell me who I should, and shouldn’t be friends with.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself exist in a very closed way towards people, and never move myself into actually communicating with others in a more intimate way because I have accepted and allowed myself to define this as ‘too much effort’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself like an alien in relation to others where I see and perceive everyone I meet to be strangers and so in a way immediately form a resistance towards them just because I have classified them as strangers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define maintaining relationships with others as exhausting and so have just preferred to form the very minimum amount of connections with individuals as possible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in resistance towards others where when I communicate with others, I keep the communication short and to the point in a way where basically I am often just trying to get the conversation over with in a way where I have no actual interest in “getting to know someone” where it becomes laborious and a pain to actually go through the process of getting to know someone through communication.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘only go so far’ with people in terms of really opening up who I am and expressing who I am with them, where throughout my life I have never developed allot of intimate relationships with people but have only ever had a very small group of acquaintances with even fewer friends.
So one point that I do find interesting within this point is why or how it is in fact that I have come to this point of not wanting to get to know people or take that step in developing more intimate relationships with people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise human beings
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mostly just immediately judge someone that I see where in this judgement I create this barrier between them and myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as someone who people do not like.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define getting to know people as a chore and that in this have accepted and allowed myself to give into this definition of getting to know people as being a chore and so then resist actually doing this to the degree where I mostly isolate myself from others.
To be continued.
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