Currently in my life I have been working with a point related to stabilizing myself within my place of work.
What I have found is that I have been going into extensive reactions/emotional experience in relation to where I am currently working to the point of where I will go to extreme doubts and particularly believing that what I am doing is never going to work where this “this is never going to work” experience has been completely taking me over where I experience this ‘dropping’ within me like ‘my heart sinking’ only its not my heart, its more like my entire self where its like I collapse within myself in relation to this point I am currently walking where I think “this is not going to work”.
At the moment my primary job is working at an art gallery where I am employed to create the art as well as working 1 day a week on the sales floor doing sales.
About 2 weeks ago there was some changes to the structure of the job and it was about this time that the emotional/feeling experiences (despair/ distraught) started to intensify and really start influencing my day to day actions.
One dimension of this experience is that “I actually like my job”. I can see how the fact that I actually like my job and would like to have this job be something stable and effective is a point that is fueling my emotional/feeling experiences where there is a “fear of loss” not wanting to lose the job I now have.
The last time I was in a situation similar to this was when I graduated from college and started painting art work where I ended up getting a grant which financed me to be able to “make paintings for a job”. Though the only problem was I did not learn how to sell them so eventually my time doing this ended and I moved into doing other jobs.
So here I am now again working in the art field and I have this experience of “not wanting to lose this job” consequentially, I find the more I fear and worry about this, the less effective I am at work which defeats the purpose because Ideally within enjoying ones job, one would then be HERE, and allow oneself to get the full enjoyment out of it by applying oneself fully within the work. But for me I have really struggled with this due to my emotional experience within and at work. I am in no way stable. I am in constant fear of losing this job, of this job not working out.
So this is one point that is contributing to my emotional/feeling experience that has been coming up at work so this is the point I will open up here within Self Forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job because I actually like my job and want to have the job I do have at the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that I will lose my job, and that it will not work out and so within myself through this expectation create quite an emotional experience within myself around the point of my job ending which in turn has created an experience of emotional instability in relation to my job which has thus made the job actually difficult to really enjoy and apply myself within fully.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job because I believe that I will end up in a same or similar job that I have had before in my life which I in a way fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a fear of this world/ the system and particular the jobs available in this world that I see myself qualified for, to direct me and so thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this world, the system, and in particular the jobs available in this world that I see myself qualified for where here I have defined such jobs as dull, boring, not fun, where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “I will be miserable and depressed” within such jobs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea that it is inevitable that “I will be back” in one of my old jobs eventually in terms of ending up working the same type of job I did in the past, where within me I have in a way attempted to run and hide or escape from this “past reality” which seems like its just a matter of time before this “past reality” become my here reality again, which I dread.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be miserable and limited if I take a job similar to one I worked in the past, where I have accepted and allowed myself to define doing such a point as a “limitation” here not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize I am able to utilize such a point as jobs similar to that which I did in my past as a support point within my life and that it is not just automatically “spelling the end” which is what I have currently accepted and allowed myself to hold within myself as what such jobs represent/symbolize.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined jobs, or taking a job similar to one I had in my past as a ‘set back’ or a ‘limitation’ or a ‘step backwards’ instead of stopping all Judgement towards such a point and rather realizing that defining it as such is the actual point of limitation where it in fact does not have to be defined as a ‘set back’ or ‘ limitation’ or ‘step backwards’ but can simply be a point that is here to assist and support myself within my process to stand up as Life within the principle of what is best for all, and so here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away completely to “my job” where I have accepted and allowed “my job” to completely determine the experience of me to the point where even thinking about being in such jobs as I was in in the my past that I am not even in at the moment create an intense overwhelming emotional/feelings experience where I go into a kind of possessed state of fear within myself towards “returning to such work” where I in essence believe and have thus defined doing this as something that will make me miserable and so thus have defined such a point within a negative energetic charge.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “doing jobs like I had in my past” within a “negative charge” and to have defined my job that I am in currently within a “positive charge” where in this I then strive to ‘hold onto’ and actually ‘fearing losing’ this current job which I have defined and charged within a positive feeling where I fear losing that “positive experience” and then going into the opposite of that as the negative experience by ‘ending up’ in a job similar to ones that I did in my past, and so within this my experience become quite highly charged due to the nature of how I have quite intensely charged each of these 2 points within a polarity framework where I have my current job which I have defined in a high positive energy and my past jobs which I have defined within the context of quite a low negative energy and so its like when one fall from heaven and go straight to hell, and for instance don’t even have the luxury of landing somewhere in the middle like on earth but really fall from the highest of high to the lowest of low which is kind of how I have emotionally set myself up at the moment with working my current job, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by energy and to within myself/my life, define and experience everything within an either positive and/or negative charge in and as a polarity equation.
I will continue in my next blog looking more specifically the “positive charge” I have associated with my current job.
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