Tomorrow I will be starting doing art sales in the gallery. The plan is to have all the artists in the gallery do this one day a week. This is actually quite cool because this is something that I have been wanting to learn – Learning how to sell my art – so the experience in the gallery actually selling art should be a cool process of learning what kind of art people are interested in and how to in fact become an effective sales person.
I can see initially I have doubts about it because now I am ‘on commission’ and so my wage is dependant on my sales. The doubts is like this point that comes up as an experience of hopelessness and emptiness with the thought “I will never make a sale”
I can see that I have not in fact walked the point for myself in real time before I have made this assessment, but am more going off a perception I have about it as well as going off other peoples opinions instead of working with the real time physical feedback I get from the steps that I actually walk and live.
Also recently over the past couple weeks I have stopped applying myself on my art website. This is one of the points that I decided that I would work on consistently as a way to grow and expand my network as a point of generating interest in my work and ultimately sales.
But man I have really ‘lost hope’ in relation to this point. Its like suddenly I have no ‘faith’ in the point anymore.
My first ‘reaction’ to this is to trust this ‘experience’ of myself in relation to this point. And to go ahead and give up on it within the belief – ‘it didn’t work’ or ‘its not going to work’ or ‘I have failed’.
When I started this process about 3 months ago I did have this idea about it all that “it will never work”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a certain specific feeling within myself in relation to doing art and selling my work, and that if I don’t have this specific feeling than this is an indication that “its not going to work” and so have based my movement and direction within the point of developing my Art on a ‘feeling’ where now that the feeling is gone, I have interpreted this as “the point is not going to work”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe now that I do not have this feeling that this is an indication of things will just fall apart ‘like they always do’ and amount to nothing and so here within this also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this experience and belief of how things will go, just go through the motions, expecting this to happen and basically moving myself into a passive observer within the unfolding of events believing “there is nothing that I can do” to change this or direct this point in a way that will in fact make it work. And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step into the “passive observer character” where I feel like there is nothing that I can do and so just kind of go along with things believing that I do not have the capacity to contribute in a way that actually Support this point to work because within myself I feel as though the failure is inevitable and so I justify not doing anything through the statement “whats the point in even trying if failure is inevitable” and so I become like someone on deathrow just sitting around waiting for the carrying out of the sentence to take place and my head to be chopped and things to be over where its like “there is nothing I can do, its just a matter of time now” and so I become a deadman walking, waiting for my inevitable fail.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fooling myself in relation to my endeavors in art where I am in constant fear that I am fooling myself about ever being able to make money/become effective with Art in a way where it actually contribute to my life in a financially effective and supportive way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger in relation my art endeavors, where the anger is in relation to this projection I have of everyone including myself saying “I told you so” when I have failed, and so the anger is a frustration towards this world / world system for how everything is set up which makes the success rate for artists extremely slim, and so my anger is in relation to the inner battle I have within myself for even bothering to walk such a point. Where here I am angry because I see this point as impractical and believe that I should in fact Not be doing this and so the anger comes up within me because I am walking/pursuing this point which is kind of like a contradiction within myself where within myself there is a part of me that sees this as a waste of time and a mistake.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to utilize Self Writing to open this point up for myself so that I can actually understanding the experience I am having in relation to this point because at this stage I see that I have accepted and allowed this point to still be an ‘enigma’ within me as I have not in fact moved myself into this twisted confusion within myself in relation to art but rather just left this mess within me and continue to go into despair, anger, frustration, resentment, self defeat in relation to art, not yet within myself reaching a point of Stability within myself so that I am not constantly going into a state of emotional/feeling turmoil in relation to doing art/pursing art.
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