Investigating Self Dis-Eases – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 423

So the point that has been coming up for me lately is the point of ‘Loneliness’. What I see is that “I am not Ok” with just myself being/living Here. I see that I have not yet developed a Stability within myself, within my Living where I am HERE each day living my life and simply focused on Me in terms of just being here with me and directing myself within my living. What I do see is that I am completely pre-occupied by external relationships particularly the most prominent of these being related to partnership with others/another being where this becomes my preoccupation, striving and search, where basically I have not yet established a point of Stability with myself Alone.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stabilize myself HERE within and as myself with and as the primary relationship as the relationship I have with myself but have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of ‘dread of being alone’ which is indicating that I dread being alone with myself showing me that I am not yet OK within myself in the first and foremost relationship that exist as me which is the relationship I have with myself which common sense would dictate that the Standing of this relationship would be the foundation support for all other relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid that ‘dread’ that I see when ever I take a moment and look within myself to see if I am ok and to see who I would be if I was left with nothing, if I were to lose it all, if I were to lose my external relationships. Where here I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand and face this Self Relationship and specially here as indicated face this ‘dread’ that has become a part of my Self Relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone without a relationship/partnership due to how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in my past where I would go into isolation and often end up in depression due to being alone and so have now accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and in this fear actually avoid being alone which is in essence the exact same thing as avoiding myself, as avoiding facing these points within me and here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have avoided the most important relationship of all, the relationship with myself, the first relationship, where here in this first relationship as the relationship I have with me I have allowed this to exist within a state of dis-ease such as the ‘dread’ , the ‘fear’, the ‘depression’ , the ‘resentment’ , the ‘sadness’ and all the other experiences that are part of this ‘me being alone’ where I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to venture and stand in these waters and actually correct and STABILIZE the Relationship I have with me so that I am at ease and I never fear being alone, I never fear being left alone, or dying alone, or not having anyone, because I am Stable and at ease with Myself.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to Stand Alone, to Walk Alone, to stop the experience of “needing someone” and essentially here to face and Correct My Relationship with myself so that I am not, in my/an experience of Dis-ease driven to seek some external relationship to try and mask this internal personal experience I am having within myself of Dis-ease. I realize that what I have been doing is trying to ‘mask’ my dis-ease experience by constantly diverting my attention “out there” instead of Standing and Facing my personal Dis-ease where I actually investigate and correct all the Dis-eases within myself utilizing the tools I have available to me such as breathing, writing, self forgiveness, self corrective statements/living, thus supporting myself to face and correct these internal self dis-eases I have created/accepted within me such as

Boredom

Anger

Depression

Emptiness

Lonliness

Anxiety

Inadequacy

Fidgeting

Sadness

Exhaustion

Lameness

Apathy

Disinterest

Sneakiness

Secretiveness

Dread

Fear

Spite

Rage

Vengefulness

Jealousy

Spite

Punishment

Self Destruction

Weakness

Hesitation

Confusion

And more

Walking alone does not mean that I will never speak to people or form various relationships, it means that I am Supporting myself to work on my relationship with myself so that I am Stable no matter what, so there never comes a point where “I don’t want to be left alone” because I don’t want to face that experience of being alone.

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