Trying To Get Around Doing The Actual Work – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 422

Information Roots, Pencil, Acrylic on Paper, 16x20in, 2009

I have been so tied in knots lately. When I come here to write my daily blog, it is like I am just stuck. Like there is nothing to write about. I look inside myself and its like its just stuck. When I was younger I developed this idea about myself that I was better than others. That I was superior, that I was more determined. Particularly this ‘more determined’ point.

In this I saw myself as more than others, as ‘more capable’ in many respects. This particularly in relation to sports, or even with my Art, but also with sports. And I mean anything I did, I pushed myself to an extreme to be the winner.

I made it a point that I try the hardest, that I never give up, that I outlast anyone. Even when I was alone I would take this approach. When I would practice sports alone, I would push myself to extremes and then go further.

When I was in Art School, I pushed myself to extremes in regards to how long I would work for, how late I would stay at school, how much art I would do. I wanted to leave everyone in my wake.

I would compare myself to everyone and try and be better than everyone.

I would often experience myself as accomplishing this goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of constant comparison where I am comparing myself to others who are walking this process that I am walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in relation to comparing myself to others who are also walking this process/Journey To Life where I have ended up validating or invalidating myself in relation to others instead of walking this process for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others who are not aware of process, where I have basically defined myself as ‘more than’ them because I am walking process and they are not aware of it, and so using this as a point to exalt myself instead of assisting and supporting myself to equalize myself with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel absolutely powerless within myself, like having no will to actually move myself in this process in an effective way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am locked out of my mind, meaning “I can’t seem to get into myself and really explore and understand what is going on within me, but that I have just remained on the surface for so many years, seemingly getting further and further away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel/experience myself as useless and in this just want to give up, give up on even writing this blog, because “what’s the point” I as who I am is set up to fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an experience of uselessness to direct me within my life, where I will give up on supporting myself as this experience of uselessness wash over me where I will really feel like I am unable to do anything, and then go into this point of uselessness and depression as the experience that has accumulated from all my failures, where its like each failure I have had has left an impression within me where now they all come up as this experience of uselessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not deserve to actually get to know myself and really become an effective human being, because I am really evil in terms of my ego and seeing myself as better than others where in this I believe that I do not deserve to actually become Self Honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain within a point of EGO and Superiority towards life, and towards others where I will continually place myself first before others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing how egotistical I actually am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into spite instead of humbleness where for instance I will go into spite when I see others actually Living Effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and find a way where I can make myself out to be a Victim instead taking Self Responsibility for myself, instead of investigating my reactions and realizing that I have created this reactions and thus it is my Responsibility to utilize the tools of Self Support and actually correct myself instead of just allowing myself to go automatically into blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my reactions to run rampant where when ever I have a reaction, I just go into blame, instead of stopping, and breathing and realizing I have created these reactions within me point by point without the help of anybody.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist ‘doing the work’ to actually open up and apply Self Forgiveness on all the points within me that is not Standing within a point of Integrity with Life. Where I will instead of moving myself to actually “do the work” I will instead activate and go into a “Victimization Character” where somehow ‘I am the Victim’ and thus am not responsible for who I am and also because I am the Victim, I don’t have to do the work to actually sort myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and avoid “doing the work” in terms of actually investigating and opening up and correcting “who I am” where I will and have looked for every way to get around this point of actually just “doing the work” the ‘work’ that is the task of actually writing out and applying Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective application on the points within me that I see, realize, and understand are not yet aligned within and as Life within the principle of what is best for all, and so in this I have avoided the work and thus have really gotten nowhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want this process of Self Change to be easy. And in this not really do the hard work and really moving myself into the depths of me because that takes time. That requires actual TIME and SPACE which imply that I will have to give up some of the luxuries and entertainments that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to give up in my life and that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather participate with, than actually walking for REAL the process of ‘Know Thyself’.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop going into ‘victim mode’ when ever I see there is hard work ahead. Where this ‘victim mode’ become a way for me to try and get around doing the actual hard and difficult road of real Self Investigation into Self Understanding and Self Awareness.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself facing a point of actually having to do the real hard work to realize that this is necessary to get to understand myself and move myself into and as a point of Self Awareness where I am in fact developing and establishing an understanding of myself. And so here I when facing such moments of seeing that there is some work to be done, commit myself to assist and support myself to stop sabotaging my Self Awareness Development by going into and participating with Self Victimization where one of the symptoms/tells of this is that I will start to see and define myself as ‘fucked up’ or that “there must be something wrong with me” where in fact there is not, and that really I just don’t want to do the work, and have accepted and allowed myself to now for some time, find ways around actually having to in fact ‘do the work’ with one such ‘way out’ of doing this is to go into Self Victimization. Therefore,

I commit myself to assist and support myself to move/direct myself into doing “the work” as I realize that who I have become is quite a mess, and that this mess will never just sort itself out, and will not just ‘suddenly align and be fixed’ without me actually aligning it,  walking into the mess, into the chaotic mess that I have created within myself and piece by piece, thread by thread, web by web, point by point, item by item, untangle, investigate and essentially clean up myself so that I am indeed facing myself and doing the work that is necessary to be done of cleaning the massive mess that I Have created of myself.

 

Basic Income Guaranteed – An Economic Solution Presented by the Equal Life Foundation
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
desteni.org – Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
equalmoney.org – Learn What Equal Money is all about and Vote on Goals and Principles
Equal Life Foundation – Facebook Stream for Unfolding Events and Soluitons.
Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs
Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs

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