I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others in process where basically I see them as doing everything right and me doing everything wrong and in this just want to consume myself in a flame of self destruction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to combust into a fire of self destruction where I consume myself in the flames of my own anger towards myself for who I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as throughout my process where I have become the result of my application, a result that clearly shows I have not applied myself as effectively as I could have and thus as the result of this, my lack of self change is evident, and so here instead of correcting this point and re-aligning myself to a point of effective application, I react and just want to implode and become like a black hole taking everything with me which I see, realize and understand is exactly the route I have accepted and allowed myself to walk up to now where this only lead to self sabotage and self compromise and so thus I see here that this reaction is clearly not supportive and so I commit myself to assist and support myself to in fact stop myself from going into this such reaction in relation to me seeing who I have become but rather to assist and support myself to direct myself to actually move myself into a point of Daily Self Support so that I no more continue to perpetuate my self stagnating application
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my ‘lack of application’ instead of stopping such reactions and instead of reacting, realign myself to actually supporting myself using the tools and support I have available to me to actually change me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration because I cannot take back time, but that who I am now is a result of the time I have lived and that cannot be taken back, and thus there is no shortcuts and no undoing what has been done.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to actually live and apply the tools and support that I have available to me within the desteni network to here assist and support myself to really live in Self Honesty, a point that I see I have not yet really dared to take on and live for myself. A point that has been here the whole time but that I have claimed “I am not able to live that way” “I am not able to do it” and thus never dared to take on this Challenge of Living Self Honestly. A point that I have wanted to Live but simply have not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don’t have the strength to live self honestly and then to try and look for that strength outside of myself instead of realizing that ALL life have the ability to Live Self Honestly as the way Life should be lived by all but that we has Life as humanity have accepted and allowed ourselves to claim that “we are just to fucked up” that “we are too damaged” that “human nature cannot change” and every other excuse in the book, instead of investigating what about our lives we fear giving up and changing if we were to actually Live Self Honestly.
I have noticed that every time I go to write the word ‘Self Honesty’ in my writing that it just feels ‘off’. Its like if feels fake. I have encountered this everytime in my writing and that is why one will find if they go back through all my writings in this blog that you will not come across this word “Self Honesty” allot. Of course I have placed it within my texts and writings in a generic sense in terms of where I know it fits within a particular context. And I have also placed this word allot where I have understood what it meant but in terms of actually Living this word, in terms of actually placing this word as a Representation of my Living Self, I have not done that because I see that I have in fact lacked Self Honesty within my process/life.
And so every time I get to placing this word into my writings I react, I hesitate, it just feels awkward. The reason for this is because I know within myself that I haven’t actually lived this word in a way where I can place it in my writings and actually stand by it and/or trust myself in the placing of this word.
I have seen this as well. I see this every time. Its like my writing flows along for instance but then when I place the word ‘self honesty’ it is like a pothole in the flow, like a hiccup, it just does not flow, like I stumble over my own feet. I just feel like I am lying and it doesn’t feel good. It kind of makes my skin crawl.
I have not bothered to take this point on either. Numerous times when I noticed this I did not ever get to ‘taking this point on’ It was like I was not ready yet to actually Live Self Honestly.
And so from here I will continue with my Investigation into this big scary word, into this word that I have been side stepping for years now. This word that seemed to big for me. To impossible, and so I will here in assist and support myself to actually confront this point and investigate it and assist and support myself to actually integrate it into myself and my life as an actual Living Word instead of having it just be Knowledge and Information. Because what is interesting is that I see that I understand what Self Honesty is. Its like I have the template, the guideline, of what Self Honesty is, its just that I Haven’t Lived it in my life and made it REAL so to speak, in ALL contexts of my life. And so I have actually come to be haunted by this word due to not having yet live this word and made it a part of who I am.
I will stop here and continue in my next blog
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