Today I was out painting. My painting took between 3 and 3.5 hours to complete. This I do straight through. I find when I begin that normally I am more focused and deliberate and more willing to take the time to make sure I get the right color/shape etc. Then I move through the painting ensuring I make each color correct. Sometimes I will reach areas of the painting that I will not be able to ‘see’. When I am out painting I am painting directly from nature. So I look at the subject and then there is a translation that takes place where I translate the point into color/paint/the pictorial. At this stage I find this process to be more translation than interpretation. Some parts however I do not ‘see’ as readily. Its like when I look I cannot see the color. Some colors I am able to see very clearly but others not. So there is a breakdown in my ‘translation’. A breakdown in my ability to See the color I require to translate. Its like there is a block and I do not understand that particular relationship like as the translator not understanding the meaning of a word so thus not having sufficient vocabulary to translate the point. My ‘take’ on it was that the point is actually right in front of me and so I am essentially in a position to ‘learn the meaning of the word’ so to speak as it is in fact standing right there in front of me, but then when I look there at some passages of the landscape its like I cannot see the color i require to place it correctly into the pictorial realm.
Today when I painted the water in the scene it was like “I was not willing to see” I wanted it go faster, (impatient) and so as I was painting the water I was taking leaps of faith. Here I must stop all leaps of faith to ensure that I understand all the colors/relationships I place. So with the water I ‘didn’t want to see the colors anymore’. I mean I wasn’t/couldn’t see the colors as I was perceiving this as a complex translation point,(frustration) however when I got home today and looked back on this, I noticed that it was more of a “I was not wanting to see the colors” It was not that I was unable, it was that I did not want to. So I did not want to take the time to learn the point and move myself from misunderstanding to understanding and clarity, instead I just allow my frustration to direct me and I gave into this frustration and impatience.
The point here is that I must remain stable through the entire painting process. So here when I reached the water which I painted in the last 1/3 of the painting I was ‘tired’ meaning I had reached my ‘focus threshold’ so to speak. I see here that I must walk the paintings that I make at the same pace all the way through and make sure that each brush stroke gets equal attention, care, attention (lol typo – I wrote attention twice, I guess its double important) and specificity where the last brush stroke or even the ones in the middle of the process are as deliberate and specific as the very first one I placed and not to go into ‘tiredness’.
An interesting point within all this is that I utilize my understanding and realizations that I have developed within my process with walking the desteni process and apply this to my painting/art process. So this has been quite cool in terms of a how the desteni process and the understanding I have developed within walking this process is now points that I can apply within my painting process as well to assist and support myself here.
My ‘attention threshold’ has gotten ‘stronger’ now since I starting doing paintings on Fridays and Saturdays, where for instance now today, I was able to remain more consistent within the entire process of making a painting and am not losing focus as early.
However with the water today I see that this was one of those moments where I gave into the mind and gave into that point of ‘wanting to cut corners’ I mean, I see that I became impatient with the painting and thought “its going to take forever” and so then went into the point of wanting to cut corners.
Another interesting point that I was looking at today was the difference between external stimuli and internal self.
Today there was a chat and one of the points being communicated about was the point of how within this process we are walking as our individual ‘journey to life’ we will slowly but surely more and more move our attention and awareness onto the “life force” of ourselves which is an equal point within each one, and away from the superficial points/aspects of our reality/how we have defined ourselves like for instance how we at the moment focus so much on our physical appearance instead of “who we are” within ourselves as that being the actual point of value to develop and explore and expand.
So this is a point I started to look at in relation to painting as well. I mean each painting I do is like a Journey. Today the Journey was 3. 5 hours, and I face different points within this journey. When I started I was stable. There was a bit of anxiety that came up, and initially I was back-chatting in my mind about the spot that I picked. But overall I was quite Still and Focused. And then as I walk this journey breath by breath, brushstroke by brushstoke I face moments where for instance I experience a tiredness coming up and “I just don’t want to do it anymore” or “I just want to give up”. Normally this comes up after about 2 hours where now I have this thought “you have spent a long time on this painting” or “I am getting tired” or something like that. So today I was able to walk through this experience and keep on painting however I did in a way lose the deliberateness and specificity of each brushstroke where now I was really only being deliberate with every 3 out of 5 brushstrokes instead of being responsible and deliberate with 100 percent of them. So here for instance I can assist and support myself to “remain here” throughout the entire process, and so this gets back to the point that was discussed today about the ‘moving our attention to the more substantial points’ like for instance “who we are” and not just focusing on the ‘outer stimuli’ such as physical appearance where here I was looking at how I am very much more focusing on my painting than ME as I paint. I am not really as aware of my internal experience/presence of me as I paint that I could be but more have my attention shifting to the painting where I will still be reactive to what I am doing. I mean here perhaps I should explore the point of having my attention on my ‘inner experience’ from the perspective of assisting and supporting myself to be Here and Breathing and Focused as I am walking the process of painting where at the moment I tend to get ‘caught up in the painting’ more focused on ‘wanting the painting to work or look good’ and in this my attention is not so much on assisting and supporting myself to be here and constant in my attention and focus within my application of making the painting. So this is simply a point that I saw today in terms of something I can explore the next time I am out making a painting.
Because obviously today, I did have moments where “I got lazy” and when into a form of haste or rushing where It would actually be cool if I could Stabilize myself absolutely in my painting application so that this point of haste/rushing does not become a part of the painting as I embed such experiences of hasting and rushing literally as I layer those particular brush strokes into the multitudes of other brush strokes that I placed that make up the entire painting.
“I can’t do it” Here is a back-chat phrase that I noticed I gave power to today, particularly when I faced tricky parts of my painting, where instead of breathing and really slowing myself down and honing in on the area, I went into this experience of “I can’t do it” and/or “I don’t want to do it” where I gave into this experience and allowed it to influence me through by then just mixing a color that was more general and placing it as a filler but that was not specifically and deliberately placed in definitive relationship with the other points to form the ‘illusion’ that I am creating as the representation of the scene I am painting onto canvas. I mean in reality everything has its place, its definitive relationship to everything else. So thus to place ‘filler’ in my paintings is really not an accurate representation of what I am seeing/understanding.
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