I had a few different points jostling for my attention today. A few different points that affected my experience today. I experienced a bit of guilt today after work because I could have been more effective at work. I was distracted and I had allowed myself to be distracted by my distraction where I could see that yes, I was distracted however I could have simply breathed and remained stable within my activities, instead of stopping and for instance going out for a break when I really did not need one.
Today is Friday and on Friday I work at my first job until 1pm and then I paint for the afternoon at the other project I am working on. So usually Friday I am looking forward to getting going with painting and so just wanting my first job to be over so I can get to painting.
So I can see that today I allowed this anticipation towards painting influence my Self Direction while I was working on my first job where I accepted and allowed myself to be pre-occupied/distracted by this.
So after work I experienced a point of guilt for not being effective at work. I was also now worried that this ‘ineffectiveness’ would spill over into my painting time which and so experienced a form of frustration and regret at myself for not just being specific and directive with my first job. I mean from my perspective it makes no sense for one to want to do something specifically like for instance with my paintings, but to allow myself to be distracted in my work/tasks when ever I am not painting. Its like I see here that I must assist and support myself to become specific and effective in every moment as that is the best way to ensure I am specific and effectively directing myself when I paint.
I am not completely clear on what I should write tonight. I find that Friday I am like busy busy all day and then I get home and sit down I find it difficult to find an effective point to write about to support myself in sorting out the mess that is me as the mind.
It was funny after I finished my painting today, I was leaving and this little girl maybe 6 or 7 comes up to me and asks if I am done my picture now as she noticed me earlier painting. And she asks me ‘how it turned out’ and in that moment I kind of froze because I feared she would not like it. I feared her saying “I don’t like it” I mean, from my perspective I wasn’t satisfied with it but maybe I am just to judgemental when it comes to looking at my art and so in my ‘frozenness’ in relation to her question “how did it turn out” I said “I don’t know – what do you think?” and I turned and showed her the painting. And in that moment I was experiencing this anxiety, waiting to see what she say’s – And she said “Its Nice” and I had a sign of relief. What I found interesting here is that I basically abdicated my power here to this 7 year old girl to determine if my painting was good or not. Where my ‘stance’ within what I think about my art was in a way in this moment invalid.
So this brought up the point of self acceptance and particularly self acceptance in relation to my Art Work.
I see I still have quite allot of judgments towards my art defining it as either good or bad in my eyes, and in relation to this experiencing at times some intense emotional and feeling reactions. This reaction being more influential and extensive when it is negative. So here I must find a Solution when it comes to my art so that I am not always in such extensive judgement towards it as being either good (positive) or bad (negative)
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