Ok so last week I made a word map/web where I place ‘me’ in the center and then listed all of the words that I would like to live in my life in terms of who I would like to be and how I would like to live my life.
I continued to list words until I had over 100 words, so now I realize within this that I must actually take each word and ‘define’ it for myself in writing because at this stage each word is still just ‘empty’ words from the perspective that I haven’t yet gone through each word and specifically defined it for myself to assist and support myself to really clarify for myself how I will in fact live each of these words in my life.
So what I am going to do now is pick one of those words randomly and begin the process of investigating that word and laying out how exactly I will LIVE such a word.
Smart is something that I don’t really consider myself to be. I do not consider myself to be dumb either but I am not someone who people would think of and think ‘smart’. I look up to people who are ‘smart’. I see that I particularly link the word ‘smart’ to words and language. I also relate it to ‘brain power’. For me, when someone is ‘smart’ its like they have a certain kind of brain power or have developed their mind or passageways of the brain that are necessary for being ‘smart’ like having a high capacity to remember something, or have a large vocabulary, or have a large capacity to direct multiple points at the same time, but also doing this in a way that is effective. I see that I also link smart to MONEY. Where someone who is ‘smart’ is someone who makes money. So from this perspective you do not have to go to school to be smart, but if you are successful in the system and make money, then you are smart!
I was not the smart kid in school. I was never classified in that way. In fact I struggled with things that the ‘smart’ kids didn’t. Like language and geography. So in a way my definition of smart is also linked to grades, where the A students were smart and the c and b/c students were more just average.
At this point in my life I find I will go through periods where I don’t see myself as being smart. I will see certain people in my world who are really good with language and information processing where I see myself actually more lagging on this point and more recently in the past year have had periods where I have slacked off in assisting and supporting myself to strengthen my ‘language abilities’ including writing, spelling, speaking, information processing. I struggled with these same points in college where doing research was disheartening from the perspective of me finding this to be such a struggle because of my reading ability and it was like such a labor to do research for a point because I did not have a strong reading ability or a reading ability that someone who I would term as ‘smart’ would have.
So in terms of my life at the moment, this is where I see I can actually assist and support myself to Live this word ‘smart’. At least this is one dimension of it. The dimensions of words, language, reading, speaking, information processing.
I also see the necessity to investigate my accepted and allowed position of being ‘not smart’ in relation to making money in the system where I can investigate how I have accepted myself as a certain way and thus will never be or achieve anything contrary to that self definition, and so can investigate how my accepted and allowed definition of myself is a point where I am holding myself back and limiting myself within my world due to seeing me as certain way and in this experiencing myself as powerless to change this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be smart, and to also see this as something that I cannot be or will ever be because reading, writing, and language is still something I struggle with and is not a point that is ‘natural’ for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just give up on ‘being smart’ from the perspective of making time to support me in remediating and expanding and enhancing my ability and capacity in language skills such as reading, writing, speaking, information processing, spelling, vocabulary, information structuring etc. Where I would look at this point and just see it as ‘such a task’ to go from where I am now to where I want to be within this point and so in looking at this/seeing this, end up just giving up right away and ‘putting it out of my mind’ like suppressing the point, and dismissing it and thus not ever taking action to practically assisting and supporting myself to correct/develop myself within this arena of my life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use age as an excuse for why I do not assist and support myself to strengthen and develop my language abilities but that rather I have accepted and allowed myself to take the position of fearing that I will never effectively align this point within myself within my life where I will accept and allow myself to give this fear ‘authority’ over me to the degree where I will not set aside time for me to simply work on this point with the TOOLS that I have available for me to use to assist and support myself in this practical life skill that I have ended up becoming frustrated with for not being more effective with this point, but yet, at the same time having it as a low priority on my list of things where I place my attention/time.
To Be Continued.
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